That sometimes stiff upper lip is best policy?

[shakingstevensfan]

We are supposed to talk about how we are feeling. Sometimes this can help. But sometimes no one knows what to say and telling others just makes you feel worse.
Sometimes the best way to deal with tough times is just to adopt a stiff upper lip and plough on through as best you can. And sometimes when you pretend to be fine, it can make you feel a bit better.

I think the stiff upper lip approach works when you aren't clinically depressed or when anxiety isn't crippling your life or something. It's good for minor things instead of oversharing, or repeatedly going over the negative (which can reinforce negative feelings and make things worse). But it's a very poor way to deal with more serious problems.

Of course, the choice isn't simply stiff upper lip or spend all your time letting every single person know every detail of your troubles. You can seek help and be circumspect in who you tell and how you frame things.

Yes because lots of people substitute talking about a problem for actually doing something about it. So they spend endless hours talking around and around the same problem.
Eg you are feeling mildly depressed; research suggests that going for a walk in the fresh air and nature will help. Instead they just focus on how shit their lives are which surely doesn’t help?

I don’t think it’s helpful if that’s what you do day in day out as those feelings don’t just go away when you push them down; I think there’s something to be said for doing that to get through a day at work or general chitchat on the school run etc but at some point those feelings need to be talked about and I find that the people I’m close to don’t need a nice neat explainable reason for why I feel low or anxious;

Sometimes yes sometimes no and depends on you/circumstances.
I have been clinically depressed and it never helped me to talk about it in general- i was fine talking to the doctor but would rather have managed it myself rather than other people tiptoeing around me treating me special.
I hate the idea that sharing every emotion is helpful for everyone- i didn't want to talk about my miscarriage for example- it was too private. I also don't want to bring my whole self to work- i don't need my work colleagues to know about my marital/health problems etc- sometimes compartmentaliising is helpful- its almost a safe space

I think there is evidence that even counselling and talk therapies can be counterproductive.

I agree that "keep calm and carry on" is the best policy for me. Not for everyone I'm sure, but it has got me through life pretty well. Acting as if everything is OK, often has the effect of giving me the courage to keep going. If I sat down and started "telling" about my woes it would make things worse.

There needs to be a balance. Repressed emotions can be damaging, but I think in the last 20 years or so, as a nation, we have perhaps gone too far the other way with the 'let it all hang out' culture. We need to be mindful of when sharing emotions crosses the line into drama and attention seeking - the classic 'U OK Hun?' fishing where minor incidents are fanned into tragic proportions.

Being open about feelings, confiding in close friends, seeking help from professionals, not feeling ashamed of mental health issues - all good.

Weeping and wailing about minor issues - not good.

As to keeping calm and carrying on in a genuine crisis - it depends on the individual and the magnitude of the crisis. Sitting brooding is rarely helpful, but sometimes a period of rest is needed to get over a shock, a short time of 'wound licking' can be helpful.

@SnoopsCaliforniaRoll

I agree with this (not in all cases, of course). It's a natural part of being resilient - tapping into your own inner strength.

Yes this. It’s important to talk when feeling heard or some help with processing is what you need (or professional help).

But life is tough and talking won’t change that so sometimes the best thing to do is crack on with it, which in turn helps build resilience.

I can't stand people trying to comfort me when I'm upset, I'd rather just be left alone. I don't want a hug, or advice, or sympathetic murmurings. I want to just have a little cry, give myself a shake, and get on with my day. This also makes me absolutely terrible at comforting others because I can't really get my head around the thought that they might want reassurance or a hug. I just sort of sit there awkwardly, wondering when they would like me to leave them to it 😬

I very much think with my head rather than my heart. I'm logical rather than emotional. When I thought I had pnd I read up about it a lot, told myself every day that it was just hormones and it would pass, talked to DH about it and then it went away over time. Not that I think it's that simple and that my approach would work for most, but it works for me.

People certainly do talk themselves into feeling worse than they might if they just got on with things, absolutely, and there is definitely an element of the self fulfilling prophesy in labelling yourself or someone else as depressed/ anxious/ not coping etc when sometimes in fact the truth is that people are completely miserable, frightened, or down sometimes without being mentally ill. Labelling all normal negative emotions as problems needing help can create a belief something is wrong when it isn't, or more wrong than it really is, and make things worse. Once something or someone is labelled its harder for things to just get better for no discernible reason.

Obviously sometimes people actually need help, therapy, or just to feel heard.

So obviously the stiff upper lip is sometimes dangerous and leads to people feeling completely alone and giving up on themselves.

It depends, is the answer, which is annoying. Obviously talking to colleagues and acquaintances about deep inner feelings or mental illness while in the throws of the worse of it is very much unhelpful - nobody has capacity to deal with everyone's profound problems - but talking to the right person or select couple of people can be essential, sometimes.

Sometimes a bit of fake it till you make it can help, other times, not.
The key is knowing the difference.
The one thing that I know isn't for me is dealing with things in the past, and forgiveness. I would rather lock that shit up in a box in my brain and let it be.

See, threads like this are exactly why, if I was having a severe mental health episode, MN is the last place I would go for support. I don't want a lot of bleating about resilience and the Queen and how things were better in the old days and mentally ill people just got on with it (except the ones who were locked away, or people like my grandad who kept attempting suicide to the point where his local hospital knew him well).

I do not have a stiff upper lip and when I tried that, and pretending depression wasn't real, I took an overdose. Not to mention I was a chronic self-harmer. But while I do cry a lot, and I've relapsed recently, I carry on with my life because I HAVE NO CHOICE. I have to work, I have to look after my cat, neither of which I can do if I'm in bed all day. I'm sick of the idea MN has that all mentally ill people are useless wimps.

@partyatthepalace What makes you assume mentally ill people don't just crack on with it?

I think some pps are equating stiff upper lip / being stoic as sticking your head in the sand. Which, yes, often makes things worse.

But actually, being stoic is about accepting that you feel like you do, and living with the feelings and processing them without telling others so much. It is not at all passive. It gives you time to process your emotions without pressure of others opinions or their need to "fix it". It also helps me understand myself better. Of course, you can talk to those who are in a position to help, and you should (doctors/select friends etc), but it's about the inner processing and understanding that shit stuff happens and sometimes living through it fully means better things in the long run, rather than trying to turn off sadness as quickly as possible.

For me, I think being stoic is a great strength. Opening up makes you vulnerable, and if you aren't certain of the person, can potentially put you in a worse position.

Obviously, this is not about people with chronic depression etc, but when you have negative feelings which are genuinely situational, being stoic is a helpful coping mechanism.

@KevinTheGoat

See, threads like this are exactly why, if I was having a severe mental health episode, MN is the last place I would go for support. I don't want a lot of bleating about resilience and the Queen and how things were better in the old days and mentally ill people just got on with it (except the ones who were locked away, or people like my grandad who kept attempting suicide to the point where his local hospital knew him well).

I do not have a stiff upper lip and when I tried that, and pretending depression wasn't real, I took an overdose. Not to mention I was a chronic self-harmer. But while I do cry a lot, and I've relapsed recently, I carry on with my life because I HAVE NO CHOICE. I have to work, I have to look after my cat, neither of which I can do if I'm in bed all day. I'm sick of the idea MN has that all mentally ill people are useless wimps.

I am sorry you are struggling. But you are making the wrong assumptions that I have never had severe mental health problems. Personally, I think with mild things I find it better to talk. So talking about the hard time I was having at work when being bullied by management and trying to find another job, did help. Talking when I am severely depressed makes me worse.

[quote KevinTheGoat]@partyatthepalace What makes you assume mentally ill people don't just crack on with it?[/quote]
I don't assume that. That's why I didn't say that.

I agree to an extent OP.

I wasn't ever a fan of Theresa May but I remember feeling sorry for her once when she got slated after being asked how she copes with the pressures of the job and she replied "she just got on with it" but to be honest, I am the same. Someone asked me how I coped with the stresses of my job during covid and I didn't really know what to say; I just get my head down, and I think stoicism does come into that but you can't really say that these days.

I do think ploughing on and getting on with stuff can be helpful.
I have anxiety and the ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ type approach has worked really well for me.
I can talk about my fears till the cows come home, but just getting on with it has healed me like nothing else.

Of course, the choice isn't simply stiff upper lip or spend all your time letting every single person know every detail of your troubles. You can seek help and be circumspect in who you tell and how you frame things.

This ^

Or being very self aware and working through issues systematically with a good evidence-based book to actually address your issues and change.

If that’s not possible then medication and professional help may be necessary. Feeling so low that you may end up suicidal is not normal.

I agree. Totally. I think we have gone too far down a path that can lead to helplessness and reliance. Yes, it’s important to talk, really important, but not just for the sake of it - with a view to coming up with a plan of action to help yourself - and part of that might be being stoic. Talking on its own doesn’t always make anyone feel better and sometimes it can make difficult situations worse because the more you ruminate and talk about them the bigger and more worrisome they become. Life will inevitably have challenges and we should expect to have to cope with difficult situations now and again.

@XenoBitch

If you adopt a stiff upper lip, then no one will know how you are feeling.. so you can't really complain when people are not understanding.

Agreed! People can't make good decisions without good information. If you are struggling with something and it is impacting your relationships, making you too tired to work full hours, your colleagues and friends will just think you don't care, or are lazy. If you are happy with that, then that's okay, but most people are happy to be accommodating and need to know that first.

I think that everyone needs someone they can talk to stuff about, but to most other people it's stiff upper lip, carry on as normal (as you can).

My problem is that I cant always differentiate between when I need to plough on and when I need to talk to someone. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I dont.

People should choose who to share confidences with appropriately and also be mindful of what they expect from others.

It's useful to know if a colleague has had a bereavement or has a lot on with their child because we can be mindful of that, check in, know now is probably the wrong time to ask a favour that's additional work. But in my opinion it wouldn't be appropriate for a colleague to be emotionally draining on the team every lunch, expecting everyone to be unpaid therapists (probably later writing a thread on mumsnet like several lately about how people claim to care about mental health but don't really care).

I agree. Sometimes just getting on with getting is the best way forward.

When I'm having problems I don't want sympathy, I want someone to help me to resolve the problem. If they can't, I don't talk to them about it.