To wonder if I'm justified in how I feel?

[44PumpLane]

DH is getting annoyed at me and my constant need to have things that are 'mine' versus 'his'.

I read on here a lot about how when you're married you just share everything so I imagine I will be told I'm being petty but i'm going to explain anyway.

DH loses things, all the time. Even if it's not forever, it's annoying. He moves things, he takes my things and it drives me mad so I am getting increasingly protective over stuff.

Example: currently on a UK break staying with ILs, my toothpaste is living in bathroom or my toiletries bag, tonight I can't find it anywhere even though I've now done a thorough search. MIL gives me some alternate toothpaste so not a big problem. Ask DH when he comes home and he remembers he took my toothpaste, he fishes it out from the bottom of a cupboard, somewhere I would never find it, and it's my bloody toothpaste (I use sensitive)!

Example: DH wants to use my phone charger so I've said it's fine but he MUST give it back straight away once he's finished using it, he grumbles that I'm ridiculous. But I'm only like this as I've now had to buy a second set of 3 charging cables as he keeps taking them and leaving them at work, or in his car, or losing them.

The freezer cool bag thing I bought that I use for kids picnic lunches wasn't available to bring on our UK break as he took it to work at some point some time ago and it's never been seen again.

The dogs fancy food bowl that I bought her was taken by him to work one day for her to use.... Never been seen again.

4 or 5 dustpan and brush sets have been taken by him to work, out of the house, never to be seen again.

I went to get my corded hoover out a month ago and it wasn't there, he'd taken it to work and took weeks to bring it back home even though I asked daily.

He's so unreliable, takes things without asking, loses things, puts things back where they shouldn't be and honestly I'm just sick of it! The above items are the tiniest tip of the iceburg, I could list hundreds of these little things.

So AIBU to be so possessive of my things?

YABU: you're married and this is petty AF, get over it!

YANBU: This would drive me nuts too and I get why you're being precious over your stuff.

Diaclaimer: first world problems I know, but honestly it's really irritating me so I'm venting.

That would drive me nuts. Why’s he taking so much stuff to work?!

He’s properly rude for suggesting this is a you not sharing problem when he’s so selfish and inconsiderate.

Start stealing his stuff and see how he likes it.

Its not even about 'your' stuff and 'his' stuff if he's losing the kid's cool bag and the dog's bowl, it's 'stuff that the family uses and want to know where it is' versus 'family stuff that has been chucked into the eternal abyss by DH'

That’s so annoying,I wouldn’t like it one bit. He is definitely U.

I often find MNers prissy uptight petty ...but minded to vote yanbu on this. He's making it difficult for you to organise your life.

I would kill him. He's worse than a child, ffs. Have you always known this about him? He's showing a complete lack of respect for you.

Does he tell you he's taking stuff to work?

What does he do for work? Some of these items seem really bizarre things to take to work, right?!
YANBU

And... Who the hell takes all that stuff to work? Your Hoover? That's absurd.

Ah the old charging cables... YADNBU, and unfortunately I have a DP who does just the same. Infuriating!

my constant need to have things that are 'mine' versus 'his'.

but that's not what it's about. You want to access to things when you need them, while he's losing everything, that's absolutely normal to be annoyed.

I don't understand how you haven't throttled him yet OP.

It's infuriating and annoying and disrespectful. Especially when it is you that ends up not being able to do something because the £3 item you bought is no longer where it lives.

I lost my shit over this a few years ago over a cheap rubber mallet from wilkos. It was tiny, good for nothing except tapping picture hooks into the wall, which is exactly what I bought it for.

Dh took it to work for some bizarre reason. I sent him out at 3pm on Saturday afternoon to buy a replacement because I warned him (jokingly, he's a builder on commercial sites, absolutely no reason why he would need it) that if he stole it he would replace it. He got stuck in traffic and missed half of the football match he wanted to watch. Oh and the same week he also borrowed and lost my coffee cup and lost 2 tupperware tubs. So was already Losing My Shit.

But he no longer fucks with my stuff. It's so rude and disrespectful.

It shows a lack of respect on his part on how his actions impact others in his life.
He's selfish- none of this is important enough for him to remember.

I read on here a lot about how when you're married you just share everything so I imagine I will be told I'm being petty but i'm going to explain anyway.

In the situation you describe the advice is always not to share!

Tell him he's not allowed to touch your things.

After your first sentence, I was not really on your side as I cannot imagine having mine and his stuff. But I don’t think this is really about whether you share or not, this is him being downright careless (and a bit weird re taking things to work) with various family possessions. YANBU.

Ah sorry.... The list of stuff going to work does sound totally random and therefore probably does require explanation!

He's self employed and renovated properties.... So when he took the hoover it was because he wanted to hoover through the finished property (even though he has a couple of Henry hoovers in the abyss of the garage, he just found it easier to take the family hoover as its not used often as I tend to use the cordless).

Pre pandemic the dog used to go to work with him so she wasn't alone in the house and he was often losing her bowls hut I really resented him taking her fancy one and losing it.

The multitude of dustpan and brushes due to sweeping up rubble and probably get lost in a skip somewhere.

I really appreciate the very hearty YANBU I've received so far, thank you.

You're right, it's not me not wanting to share, it's about me being annoyed that things aren't returned and it feels like a lack of respect. It's an issue that's been getting worse as time goes on.

I also think that he finds it petty as its small value items we are talking about, but to me it's the annoyance factor of needing the cool bag for the kids sarnies on a day out and it's not there, knowing I'll need my phone a lot one day so going to get the portable charger from the labeled box and it's not there as he has left it in his car, needing to sweep all the grit off the drive that he's managed to spill and there being no broom in the garage as its probably gone to work so I have to borrow one from the neighbour.

I've taken to hiding things now.... And it's not a money thing, for which I am eternally grateful, its purely just bloody annoying.

He's definitely getting worse!

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag

I don't understand how you haven't throttled him yet OP.

Thank you, genuinely me neither! And I'm being serious, one day I'm really going to lose my rag!

He doesn't value you or your time or he would understand that it's not petty because you are the one who ends up replacing these things.

He sounds awful.

I was going to tell you you were being ridiculous but losing that much stuff is irresponsible at best.

I think he needs to lose himself until he finds your stuff.

Show him this thread 💐

Feel for you. The lack of respect is astonishing. My DH was a little like this, which combined with leaving stuff on top of the dishwasher etc did my head in. I had a stiff word and basically said that EVERY TIME HE DID SHIT LIKE THAT IT WAS LIKE HE WAS SAYING A BIG “FUCK YOU” TO ME. It hasn’t completely resolved but is much better, sometimes I catch him reaching for my charger cable and stop and walk away! Good luck!

@MrsElijahMikaelson1 he often does the dishwasher thing too.... And when I point it out he always claims he was "just about to" sort it out... Similar with the tea rings on the counters.

I think next time he irritates me I'll show him this thread!

I dont want to leave anyone with the impression that he's totally useless, he does a lot round the house and is very thoughtful with birthday and Christmas gifts, encourages me to go off for weekends away and holidays abroad with the girls while he looks after the kids etc, but he's also a total pain in the arse the rest of the time too!

DH is a bit like this. It drives me nuts when he “borrows” household stuff and then loses it.

He’s just as bad with stuff that’s entirely his though.

Thank you for posting this! Good to know it's not uncommon. The bit I hate is the person it makes me! Getting cross about seemingly insignificant stuff, making me not want to share - when that's TOTALLY not in my nature. I've started to realise, aside from the 'fuck you' feeling that a PP mentioned (spot on), it's actually what it's turning ME into that I despise the most. I don't want to be that nag as it's not who I naturally am!

Make him buy everything he takes.