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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if I'm justified in how I feel?

53 replies

44PumpLane · 01/06/2021 21:40

DH is getting annoyed at me and my constant need to have things that are 'mine' versus 'his'.

I read on here a lot about how when you're married you just share everything so I imagine I will be told I'm being petty but i'm going to explain anyway.

DH loses things, all the time. Even if it's not forever, it's annoying. He moves things, he takes my things and it drives me mad so I am getting increasingly protective over stuff.

Example: currently on a UK break staying with ILs, my toothpaste is living in bathroom or my toiletries bag, tonight I can't find it anywhere even though I've now done a thorough search. MIL gives me some alternate toothpaste so not a big problem. Ask DH when he comes home and he remembers he took my toothpaste, he fishes it out from the bottom of a cupboard, somewhere I would never find it, and it's my bloody toothpaste (I use sensitive)!

Example: DH wants to use my phone charger so I've said it's fine but he MUST give it back straight away once he's finished using it, he grumbles that I'm ridiculous. But I'm only like this as I've now had to buy a second set of 3 charging cables as he keeps taking them and leaving them at work, or in his car, or losing them.

The freezer cool bag thing I bought that I use for kids picnic lunches wasn't available to bring on our UK break as he took it to work at some point some time ago and it's never been seen again.

The dogs fancy food bowl that I bought her was taken by him to work one day for her to use.... Never been seen again.

4 or 5 dustpan and brush sets have been taken by him to work, out of the house, never to be seen again.

I went to get my corded hoover out a month ago and it wasn't there, he'd taken it to work and took weeks to bring it back home even though I asked daily.

He's so unreliable, takes things without asking, loses things, puts things back where they shouldn't be and honestly I'm just sick of it! The above items are the tiniest tip of the iceburg, I could list hundreds of these little things.

So AIBU to be so possessive of my things?

YABU: you're married and this is petty AF, get over it!

YANBU: This would drive me nuts too and I get why you're being precious over your stuff.

Diaclaimer: first world problems I know, but honestly it's really irritating me so I'm venting.

OP posts:

ComeOnPeople · 02/06/2021 01:22

I'd start buying and replacing Everything he loses and forgets with his debit card. Will soon see it all adding up him self . YANBU at all

billy1966 · 02/06/2021 06:47

OP,

How stressful to live your life.
Constant frustration.

Peach01 · 02/06/2021 06:57

Definitely not. Taking a hoover to work and not even thinking to tell you!
Mine is a bit like this at times, not to the same extent but it's frustrating having to monitor things or even if it doesn't go awol you're expecting it to. He's eager to bin things and you wouldn't believe the things that have been binned while I'm using them. He loses things too.
I feel like a nag having to give a reminder about certain things prior to him being around but it's damage control.

InTheDrunkTank · 02/06/2021 07:00

YANBU it's not just a case of the value of whatever he's lost (a phone charger costs almost nothing) it's the irritation. If you left your phone charger by your bed and DH has taken it and forgotten you can't charge your phone that night and it's bloody annoying.

Gingernaut · 02/06/2021 07:03

So does he have a van?

Can it be secured?

Can his stuff be sorted through?

This would drive me nuts.

Where are these items now?

Can't he round them up and bring them home?

All these items collected together are expensive to replace.

StopSayingDueDiligence · 02/06/2021 07:05

I'm the Lose Of Items in my marriage.
We have our own things. I completely respect that!

romdowa · 02/06/2021 07:10

This would drive me batty and I would insist he replaces everything he has taken. There is nothing worse than something being missing when you need it. My father has an awful habit of throwing things away. He has gotten better now because I make him pay to replace it no matter the cost. He now thinks twice about touching my stuff.

OnASwankyMarleyPond · 02/06/2021 07:17

YA totally NBU - what a pain in the arse. I hate carelessness like that, it feels like such a big F you.

Does he come from a wealthy background? I only ask as DH did (and I didn’t) and I think that’s part of it. It’s a sort of subconscious felling of ‘it’s ok, it can be replaced’ that translates into not needing to take care of things in the first place.

Hsjdb7483939 · 02/06/2021 07:21

I am definitely like this about my phone charger cable; i try to avoid letting DH use it as he’ll never know where he left it. He’s the same about nail scissors although I maintain that I never actually lost them but that’s another argument.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/06/2021 07:24

You are not unreasonable!
It's all the frustration trying to locate the stuff he has taken.... Especially when he hadn't explicitly asked you... Its ir OK to take your charger /toothpaste /other essential item....

I had a flatmate like this.... Lovely on many ways... But rubbish with respecting others belongings.... I really lost my shit when I discovered a key book I needed to read for my degree was missing...turned the place upside down. She'd leant it to her friend.... I was doing same course as friend... .. She couldn't understand why I was so miffed..

bigbaggyeyes · 02/06/2021 07:33

This would drive me insane.

What happens afterwards tho? Why didn't he go out to the shops and buy you another toothpaste, go back to work and get the Hoover, he buys a new dog bowl. I'm presuming he loses, you then have the hassle of buying again? Can you make him responsible for going back to work there and then to collect the hoover, or order new dustpan and brush?

caringcarer · 02/06/2021 07:34

@44pumplane, your DH workplace sounds like the black hole things go there and never come back. I would be annoyed too. Your DH sounds very careless with others things. Make him go to the faf of replacing everything he loses.

burritofan · 02/06/2021 07:37

I would hide every single thing of his one day. Book a storage unit and shove it all in there. Right down to his toothbrush, pillows, PJs, pants, beer, telly remote. All “lost” one day when he’s at work.

Lettuceforlunch · 02/06/2021 07:39

I think it’s more sinister than him simply losing things. Why hide the toothpaste where you’d never find it again? There’s a deliberate, gaslighting side to this. He’s not a nice man.

sandgrown · 02/06/2021 07:47

I bought a lovely expensive barbecue which was heavily discounted in a sale. Ex was trying to shred papers and the shredder broke . In his wisdom he decided to burn the paper in the barbecue. It wasn’t burning well so he tipped it onto the flagstones and built up the fire . He didn’t move the barbecue and he melted the wheels . He could not understand why I was cross . He used to take chargers etc but he was basically very selfish .

burritofan · 02/06/2021 07:57

There’s a deliberate, gaslighting side to this. He’s not a nice man.
Oh for heaven’s sake. That might be true but can’t possibly be extrapolated from what the OP has said. He didn’t claim she put it there, or pretend there was no toothpaste. It’s the kind of thing my DP would do – he has ADHD, would wander off with toothpaste in hand, see the cupboard and remember he wanted something from it, put toothpaste down to pick up the something, then get distracted by a bird or a thought or a whim or a woozle, and bam: toothpaste forgotten. Not every man on MN is a secret serial-killing wife-beating cock-lodging demon.

EShellstrop · 02/06/2021 07:58

My ex had zero respect for my things, or for keeping the house organised. "I'll put this here for now" was his mantra. And it would stay there forever.

I used to despair at my inability to keep on top of mess and clutter, but it turns out once the source of the mess and clutter left...life was suddenly simpler.

cauliflowerkorma · 02/06/2021 08:21

This would drive me insane.

For me its that Its adding to your mental load. Wondering where things are and constantly searching and then replacing. Trying to think ahead and preventing-through hiding. It is this that is unforgivable and perhaps needs explaining. It isn't about the item it's about the last bit of energy that working around the inconvenience causes.

So i would always task him with the replacement. Make it inconvenient for him as oppose to you. Make him feel the pain. When he takes something-warn him to set a reminder on his phone or a checklist for before he gets in the van or whatever. And that if he comes home without said item you will insist he will immediately turn back around and go to site for it.

He needs to set a better example to your children. Re looking after pe kits and coats and football kits and mobile phones etc.

Does he need to get more organised the night before? So he can find his own hoover and phone charger and lunch box (or go buy one) so that he isnt just grabbing the lovely shiny conveniently placed thing as he walks out the door?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/06/2021 08:26

I have one exactly like this. He loses everything and wants to take EVERYTHING tk work and never brings it back. He's borrowed tools from my dad and never returned them. Its embarrassing. He even took my pillow off the bed one morning so he could sleep in the van and never brought it back, so I had to buy new pillows and was left with an incomplete duvet set!
He announced the other day that he was taking my hand held gtech to work. He was told in no uncertain terms that he would not be taking my hoover to work. I may have went slightly overboard with my reaction, but 10 years of this shit, I'm just sick of it!

millenialblush · 02/06/2021 08:27

Does he replace the things he loses? Or is it your job to go out and buy them again?

4fingerKitKat · 02/06/2021 08:50

@Lettuceforlunch

I think it’s more sinister than him simply losing things. Why hide the toothpaste where you’d never find it again? There’s a deliberate, gaslighting side to this. He’s not a nice man.

YANBU OP but I think this ^ is a bit of an overreach! It sounds like he’s just very absentminded and careless and doesn’t put the kind of value on ‘stuff’ the OP does. Obviously this is a deeply frustrating way for another adult to behave but it doesn’t sound like this is deliberate.

I do have some sympathy with the DH as I know I wind him up with various things I’m not deliberate doing - things like leaving the milk on the counter after making a cup of tea. He’s a neat freak and this stuff drives him mad. But I never think ‘fuck him, I’m going to leave the milk on the counter’ - I never consciously leave the milk on the counter, I’m usually just thinking about or doing half a dozen other things at the same time and it ends up forgotten.

OhTinnitus · 02/06/2021 09:00

People usually begin to change their behaviour once they are the ones being inconvenienced. At the moment, you are the one being inconvenienced.

I would honestly put a second copy of all those household items in a lockable cupboard at home and designate them as yours (you don't even have to tell him about it). So if he loses the communal household dustpan, he had to go out and buy a new one before he can use one at work. He needs to be taught about consequences, - unfortunately I can just imagine how frustrating it must be that this falls to you to do.

Is he very disorganised elsewhere as well? Assuming he isn't just an arsehole, his behaviour screams ADHD to me, but perhaps that's because I come from family of people with quite severe ADHD and this is a pattern of behaviour I see in them. If that's the case, you won't be able to make him think differently but there are effective strategies that can really help, - but he needs to be receptive and he will probably need to be inconvenienced first for that to happen.

Good luck!

DeathStare · 02/06/2021 09:06

@ohtinnitus I think the problem with that idea us that I suspect the OP probably doesn't know what her DH is going to take until its suddenly not there any more. She can't lock the whole house up unfortunately

MedusasBadHairDay · 02/06/2021 09:16

My DH went through a phase of "borrowing" scissors to use in his greenhouse, but then he'd forget about them and they'd end up buried under pots etc until they rusted. I replaced them so many times, it wound me up something rotten.

Lettuceforlunch · 02/06/2021 10:15

@4fingerKitKat - it may well be overreach. I suppose only the OP knows that. I’d find it very creepy that all my good stuff kept going missing though and there does seem to be a pattern, it’s very one sided and not like the OP takes his things (presumably there’s nothing to take as all his stuff has disappeared to work).

ADHD or other conditions aside, isn’t it just normal to replace things one borrows? To repeatedly steal/hide someone else’s property goes beyond a bit of absent mindedness or being distracted to my mind. It’s not like the DP took her charger on a work trip and brought it back a week later. It’s the constant disappearance of everyday items that she needs, only to find, yet again, that they’ve been taken.

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