To think that the push to talk about mental health is bollocks?

[3plantpots]

Name changed. I am currently suffering with crippling PND. After much internal battle I decided to be brave and do as everyone now says you should and tell people close about how I feel. I have ‘talked’ to my husband, parents, GP and had a course of CBT through the local authority. Has anything actually changed? No.

Now I just feel totally shit AND a pathetic idiot for the things I have said when trying to open up. DH probably thinks I’m a psycho. I now have a husband and mother who are worried too and I’m dragging my husband down, he is never usually a miserable person. The GP has put me on medication which doesn’t help and makes me so drowsy it’s bordering on dangerous. Not bothered about that for me but I have to drive my toddler and baby.

So what has been achieved? Is there something to be said for the old fashioned stiff upper lip approach and shut up and get on with it? I for one now regret not keeping it to myself. At least that way you might retain some self respect 🤷‍♀️.

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP.

I sort of get what you mean though. For me, it’s just that talking is only an effective solution for certain people, but it’s advertised as a cure all. For me, reading about mental health, learning ‘self-help’ techniques, exercising, etc have been much more helpful, it’s just not in my nature to want to talk about myself and definitely made me feel worse.

I think mental health campaigns need to focus more on showing the range of things that you can do to help yourself, not just pushing people to ‘talk to someone’.

@Bags224

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cheers for that. I don’t lie in bed, I carry out my role as a parent as best I can however I am feeling inside.

@Bags224 what a horrible post. You have no idea what you’re talking about.

Sorry you're having a tough time op.

I think talking to people about your mental health is very similar to talking to people about your physical health really - the people who love you do care, and do need to know that you're struggling, and really ought to be asking how they can help.

But other people don't really care very much, and don't know how to help if they did.

The average person can't offer a fix for mental illness unless they've experienced it themselves, and you'll always need to work out your own strategies or go to a professional for support.

I guess the move to 'talk about it' is really more 'it is ok to talk about it if you want to, there is no stigma or judgment now.'

Agree with you and have no regrets about Not getting help when I was very down (suicidal) at one point in my life. I didn't and don't want anyone to think of me that way.

But if getting it out, talking about it, getting a name put on what your feeling works for some.. then absolutely they should.

I guess not everyone wants or needs the same treatment.

I'm sorry you feel this way OP, and others who have said similar. Talking therapies have saved me on two occasions, firstly with clinical depression at a fairly young age and secondly with PND and postnatal anxiety.

Sometimes telling other people you've been through something like this can help them feel less alone. Help them feel seen, and more 'normal'.

Talking can't cure everything but it can help, and it definitely helped me.

I agree. I've had PND and I definitely did not want to talk about it and am very glad I didn't. For me, personally, it was something I needed to work through on a very deep level in my own time. I had to adjust to being a parent and take a fresh look at my life and my relationships. Going through that process has helped me immensely and I'm now much stronger and more able to deal with things than ever before. The times of acute crisis when I did try and speak to a doctor or health visitor I got sympathetic noises and fuck all else. But I'm glad about that now. I think talking does help normalise it, which can be helpful, so if someone opens up to me I let them know that I've been through similar but at the end of the day I cant solve the problem for them. We are all on our own in this world really, and the sooner we realise it, the better. I know that sounds harsh but it's now I feel.

You make a valid, if unfashionable, point OP.

I hope you feel better soon

I think talking about your mental health can be useful in that it lets others know that you are struggling and perhaps they can lessen their expectations of you for example. So if you wish to withdraw from others for a while because of the pressure of friendship etc at least they will understand.

Now I just feel totally shit AND a pathetic idiot for the things I have said when trying to open up. DH probably thinks I’m a psycho. I now have a husband and mother who are worried too and I’m dragging my husband down, he is never usually a miserable person.

That's the kind of stuff i say when I'm in a depressive period. You're not an idiot for suffering with a mental illness. Would you feel like an idiot for telling someone you'd broken your leg?

I benefited a lot from CBT to help me stop being so horrible to myself and telling myself I'm a burden, stupid, worthless, pathetic. You're none of those things.

I'm sorry to hear you're unwell OP.

I'm struggling at present, with a lot of paranoia due to Schizoaffective disorder. I've stopped going to my part time job & I feel awkward with my neighbours.
I have tried to ask for help several times from the community mental health team but it was only today that I felt they really listened.
I'm lucky because my next appointment with my psychiatrist is next week so hopefully he will do something with my meds.

I have had to 'talk about it' to my 3 line managers as they needed to know why I'm off sick.
Plus the managers knowing about my illness means I'm protected at work under the Disability Act & had reasonable adjustments made in my favour with my shift patterns.

But I don't tell my friends & colleagues. They think I just have depression and I'm off because I feel low.
I don't want to scare them off by giving them my true diagnosis or telling them that I take anti psychotics.

It's easy to talk about some MH problems but there's still a massive stigma surrounding some conditions.
My colleagues would be shocked that I have Schizoaffective disorder because I seem so 'normal' but they don't see the hours it takes me to get anything done like getting in the shower, in order to be able to turn up at work.

I think people are encouraged to dwell in self pity now. I remember watching a programme about depression as an impressionable teen and I became depressed. I didn't just fancy myself depressed; I actually became depressed. I blame being encouraged to wallow and focus too heavily on my thoughts and feelings.

(This isn't to disparage those with genuine and persistent mental health problems.)

In terms of friends: misery is catching. People won't tolerate getting nothing more than negativity from a relationship for very long, no matter how much they care.

Totally agree with you @3plantpots

Am currently having counselling through the gp. Its not helping and it just feels more pressure to be up. I had cbt before, waste of bloody time.

What i want is someone older and wiser taking charge for a bit. Not going to happen.

I can see your point.

I definitely think that there should be less stigma about discussing mental health. For example, if I don't feel up to an event due to anxiety, I'll often lie and say I have a headache. I wish that telling the truth was equally socially acceptable - it feels rubbish to lie to people. So I'm glad society is gradually becoming more open.

But talking about your mental health doesn't automatically solve anything. The NHS is underresourced, and most people don't know how to help. So it's cruel to lead people to think that "talking about it" will make them better.

I'm sorry for your struggles. Could you ask your family for some practical support, perhaps in helping you ask for different medication / CBT?

Hi OP,

My take through personal experience - talking is good BUT it needs to be to the right person and in the right therapeutic way for you as an individual at that time.

How your talking pretty much sounds like depression itself typing through your fingers!

Abit of advice I got from a psychologist was to see those repetitive/useless/low self esteem/I'm crap/everything's crap/what's the point thoughts as symptoms of your depression and not actual truths or true feelings. Also give yourself space to think and talk but limit this time - when did talking about something endlessly ever solve anything on its own??? Never. So yes talking is definately good, but to a point.

I had PND, I completely get the complete ambivelence to the baby (how old is the baby btw?) I couldn't have cared less who took them as long as I wasn't looking after them. Didn't even feel guilty for feeling that way. But I almost seperated myself into acknowledging it was depression and just left the postnatal bit out of my mind, this helped cope.

I would suggest that perhaps you could benefit from a different type of help/therapy and depending on how long you've been on the medication for and increase in dose or a different medication.
Things absolutely do get better, but not one size fits all. Go back and ask for a review, what you have now isn't working.

You seem very hard on yourself OP. Even if it hasn’t made you feel better, why does having talked to your family and medical professionals about a serious illness like PND make you feel like a pathetic idiot and like you’ve lost your self respect?
I agree talking therapy doesn’t help for everyone, but as others have said, telling those closest to you is the same as any illness.
If your husband was suffering a serious illness (mental or physical) would you think he was pathetic if he told you about it? Or would you want him to tell you, even if it made you feel worried about him?

YABU. I have PND. What’s helped is getting a diagnosis (took ages and had to go private as twice my GP just said I was exhausted ), seeing a psychiatrist, having CBT and - crucially - taking 50mg of sertraline every day.

If nothing is helping you so far I really, really recommend sertraline. It’s changed everything. I was desolate before, and so ill. Now I feel almost back to normal.

Talking isn’t enough - you need treatment.

I'd agree somewhat regarding PND, there is so little support available via NHS. It's not unusual for women with severe PND to have thoughts of harming their baby and to make a woman go through the process of talking about that and have it recorded forever on her medical notes without actually providing meaningful treatment is degrading and inhumane.

But I don't think a stiff upper lip is the answer. More funding is required. Hugs for you OP, this too shall.pass.

MH support on the NHS is virtually non-existent. I've been waiting years and just go around and around in circles.
My mother is paying for me to be seen privately bless her as I don't have the funds but she knows it's crucial.

What's evident in this thread is that one size doesn't fit all. Talking is painted as some sort of cure, it's not.

I had an HIV test years ago, I was told the only way I could receive the results was in person with the doctor. They wouldn't just let me have the result in a letter that I could open when I was on my own at home. Terrible. I can't imagine anything worse than getting bad news like that. Years later I had another test, this time they asked me how I wanted to get the results. I chose text message. Much, much better for me.

OP I think its vital to talk, but in my opinion and experience it's best to leave those deep bad thoughts for a therapist to deal with. Your mom and dh need to know you're struggling, but they are not therapists and can't help you other than with support and understanding to a point.

I've had councelling several times in my life and some of it was better than others. Therapists are also just people with their own personal perspective they view things through, which might not always align with your world view.

I have a friend who's clinically depressed, and I find it exhausting to talk to her, because she doesn't ever talk about anything else but herself. It's all about her, her feelings, her difficulties, her needs.. She sends her children to my house for hours on end, leaving me to feed them, listen to them, look after them.. I have my own life, plans, worries and stresses and low periods. Its unreasonable for someone to 'use' me in the name of depression (and no she's not SP, and her own parents help out a lot).
So I think talking about mental health on a general level is important to destigmatise the subject, but just as you wouldn't expect your neighbours to cure your cancer, you can't expect your nearest and dearest to cure your depression.

So if you can, get therapy OP and get professional help. The good thing about PND is that it should get better after a while. Let your family support you, but don't burden them with all your thoughts. Leave it to a therapist. It will get better!

PND - I had it with my second. I did the opposite of approaching my GP - I ‘fell off the radar’ because I couldn’t cope with the HV hounding me about a particular parenting decision. I was really in a bad way.

I didn’t talk to anyone but I did find someone who helped. She ran a playgroup every weekday. Sized me up within 5 minutes of me turning up. I’d build every single day around arriving there at 10am - by 10.10 she had me sitting with a cup of coffee, someone was cuddling my ‘unputdownable’ baby - and my energetic toddler was running around being lightly supervised by whichever mum happened to be down that end of the hall. I literally just sat there day after day - and slowly I rebuilt my life back around those little breathers.

I certainly needed support - but ‘talking’ about feeling bad would have been another pressure and distracted from the fact that I plain had too much on my shoulders. Drugs ditto. An hour when I could turn off my watchfulness and just sit though ... priceless.

If hypothetically speaking a daughter abroad told me she had PND - I would tell her to look for a ‘mother hen’ before I would tell her to look for a psychiatrist. We all need ‘wise women’ at certain points in our life - and social fragmentation means a lot of people are struggling on without that kind of social nurture.

I do kinda agree.

The whole push to 'talk' neglects to take into account the fact that the majority of people actually have no idea what to do or say when confronted with someone disclosing that they're depressed, anxious, or suicidal. Most people will either panic and clam up, or say something well meaning but unhelpful (for example 'cheer up' or 'it could be worse' or worse!).

It also comes across like an attempt to shift responsibility for managing mental health onto the public and the community, instead of properly providing the resources to ensure mental healthcare is available to all who need it.

A better campaign imo would be one that gives pointers on how to support someone going through mental health issues. I vaguely recall seeing one a few years back, it was straightforward and spoke about how just being there for someone is valuable, asking how they are and listening, that you don't have to try and fix it, just show you care.

I'm sorry the care you've received has been poor.

Do you have the time and energy currently to engage in some self help for your mood?

Let me know if so, I'd be happy to share a link.