To think that the push to talk about mental health is bollocks?

[3plantpots]

Name changed. I am currently suffering with crippling PND. After much internal battle I decided to be brave and do as everyone now says you should and tell people close about how I feel. I have ‘talked’ to my husband, parents, GP and had a course of CBT through the local authority. Has anything actually changed? No.

Now I just feel totally shit AND a pathetic idiot for the things I have said when trying to open up. DH probably thinks I’m a psycho. I now have a husband and mother who are worried too and I’m dragging my husband down, he is never usually a miserable person. The GP has put me on medication which doesn’t help and makes me so drowsy it’s bordering on dangerous. Not bothered about that for me but I have to drive my toddler and baby.

So what has been achieved? Is there something to be said for the old fashioned stiff upper lip approach and shut up and get on with it? I for one now regret not keeping it to myself. At least that way you might retain some self respect 🤷‍♀️.

I have mental health disorders and I can't bring myself to burden anyone with it. Because it's fucking awkward when you do. Also I had to stop a mate constantly unloading her problems onto me. I used to engage and it dragged my moods down even if I was on an up day. When people are saying it's good to talk, they should really be saying make sure the other person has the head space for it too

Could you ask DH to make a doctor's appointment for you, arrange childcare if needed, and take you to the appointment? Tell him you really need him to do this for you.
He should do this if you make this very specific request. Then you don't have to put any more energy into it than the initial request.
If he won't do this for you, then it could be that he is part of your problem.

@Kendodd

Another example of how talking about poor mental health has done the very opposite of helping, is self harm imo. A friend of mine is a secondary school teacher, she tells me loads of girls are cutting themselves and seeing counselors. Now I doubt very much that if they hadn't seen/heard about self harm any of them would have invented it for themselves.

Kids used to self harm in my day, before anyone talked about it. Girls used to do it in the toilets and at home, and they'd cover it up. It was fairly normal but never discussed with teachers, as far as I know.

This is a bit of a revelation in that other people feel the same way as me.

Reality is that nobody gives a shit.

Not really. Unless of course it's them.

I am sorry to hear you are suffering op. It is horrendous.

I have poor mental health: anxiety disorder, depression and a touch of OCD and PTSD as well.

It's shit.

Not even three hours ago I was crying hysterically by myself; telling my mind to duck off and at the same time having suicidal ideation. It absolutely sucks.

I am currently signed off sick from work so had no choice but to tell them.

*fuck not duck

@MurryFuff sorry to hear you are suffering.

I sometimes wonder if because I don’t (can’t?) cry I’m not being taken seriously enough. I never cry about it, I’m just numb, I can talk about not loving my baby as if I’m talking about the weather. In fact I probably get more emotional about the weather. Which makes me feel like I am a very sick person indeed :(

Is there something to be said for the old fashioned stiff upper lip approach and shut up and get on with it?

Yep. Repression of negative emotions is massively underrated, imvho.

To me it’s ok to talk about mental health if you are rich, famous with no children depending on you for everything (if you have nannies/ unlimited family support etc then it’s probably ok too).

Don’t try doing it if you have young kids, a responsible job or just need to earn a living to keep a roof over your head- no-one cares and will probably label you as selfish and irresponsible to boot. If you are Prince Harry or Robbie Williams etc then admitting your depression or addiction battle will be seen as brave and inspiring though.

Apologies for the cynical and jaded response but just my experience.

I completely agree with this and say this often. I think media campaigns make it seem that if you talk then it might make it all ok. The reality is, many people with “mental health struggles” have terrible things that have happened in their lives or can’t be easily fixed. Talking doesn’t make the struggles go away.

I'm suffering from pretty bad depression due to ill health & self referred to my local IAPT, they dumped me on a course for mental health with a long term health condition, today has been the second session over zoom, I don't know how I stayed awake, I'll stick it out just so they can't make me do the whole course again, it isn't helping me at all. I would prefer to have one to one sessions because I have always got something out of them when I have done them. I think it is all down to money, they dump you on any course so that they can say they have offered you something.

It's good to be open about having postnatal mental health issues.
Being open about having postnatal mental health issues (or any mental health issues for that matter) doesn't mean offloading and treating friends and family as unqualified theraprists though.

However well-intentioned I think some of these campaigns seem to confuse:

• the need to talk about normal ups and downs of life as part of looking after our mental wellbeing. Eg. It is normal to feel nerves, sad, happy, hopeless, excited etc as part of life, a rubbish week does not equal depression, being nervous about a driving test or interview does not equal anxiety.
• the need to talk and be more open and aware of mental illnesses because lots of people will experience one at some point. E.g. I've found it really hard since giving birth and have had rough postnatal depression.
• the act of talking about one's personal mental health struggles in detail with friends and family in a way that is probably unhelpful long term for the person experiencing poor mental health and places unhealthy and unreasonable demands on their loved ones who are not mental health professionals

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way OP but for your husband and parents to know and worry is natural... if you had a 'physical' illness surely you'd also tell them how shit you're feeling.

Honestly though active support /listening is a skill that not everybody has. IMO all of this 'talk' about it is to direct people to trained professionals (which there's a shortage of - not helped by swarms of perfectly healthy people pushed over the edge by unnatural environments).
I've had lots of people unload onto me because I'm a good listener but honestly it took such a toll. You should never feel guilty for unloading on family (if DP or my parents did it I would be able to take it) but total strangers - no, not my responsibility sorry. Millions of people die, are born in shit conditions etc and I can't change that so why bother. I honestly don't care. It's irrational to.

Reality is that nobody gives a shit.

I don't think that's true at all. People do care, they even care about strangers. What do you expect people to do though? Caring about something or someone doesn't mean you can do anything to help or change things.

Oh OP you poor thing.

I was similar, I'm a few years on now. For me the situation was compounded by some complex family problems.

I'll probably be flamed, but if you are BF, consider stopping. I was a hormonal need BE my second DC. That helped. It was one less factor to fight against.

I also found the bar for accessing public mental health services was high. Because my family situation was reasonably stable... No social services involvement, housing ok etc. And no physical self harm I was deemed to be coping.

I had some private counseling, that helped a bit.

I took citalopram, still do.

I worked hard on getting our family a bit more secure.

I slept as much as I possibly could, day after day. Early nights, random naps... Sleep really calms the nerves.

PPs are right, a lot is really up to you. Try meds, sorting your hormones, sorting your sleep, addressing weekday or is that's really hurting you, accepting what you must and changing what you can.

You can do this, I did.

You've actually never been more alive than you are, you are needed and you are loved.

The unfortunate thing about the general encouragement to talk about mental health problems (which I agree with) is that there are very few services to deal with the problems.

This thread is sad. Never stop talking about your mental health. People can and do talk about it, and get help. I am still here because I talked about it and got help.

You're pretty much right. I've only had success with a private counsellors, at £45 a session. I could only afford 3 months so I just grit my teeth now.
The NHS is pretty hopeless with MH issues.

Totally agree. I've had anxiety since childhood, I didn't even know what it was as no one talked about it then. I just developed coping mechanisms and muddled through. I don't know any other way.

I had severe PND, too scared to tell anyone. It passed, I understand myself better the more I go through.

DH has had lots of counselling and anti depressants. He ditched it all as he found the therapy was just talking in circles, he's happier now he has accepted his limitations.

People love to talk about mental health issues and be kind but in reality, but they just want soundbites and Instagram quotes. They don't really care.

No one's life is easy. Look after yourself, make peace with who you are.

@megletthesecond

You're pretty much right. I've only had success with a private counsellors, at £45 a session. I could only afford 3 months so I just grit my teeth now. The NHS is pretty hopeless with MH issues.

The NHS saved my life. They do help people with MH issues.

Sorry you’re having a hard time OP, I have depression (not PND so I’m not pretending I can fully relate, but I do know the numb feeling very well).

Can you afford private therapy? Many offer a sliding scale of fees based on your financial situation. Obviously that may not be possible at all for you but if it is, I would recommend looking into it, not CBT, but a therapist who’ll let you talk openly and isnt so regimented. I’m sure there will be therapists who specialise in PND too.

Are you feeling like this because of your mum and husband’s reaction? Have they been dismissive or unhelpful or are they just concerned for you and not sure what to do for the best? Remember depression can alter your perception and worldview so the likelihood is they want to help and are worried, but may be unsure how to do that. I’m sure if they love you they don’t think you’re a burden.

Yes, it is very hard to open up, and I agree campaigns over simplify it, but I really disagree with the majority of posts here saying it’s pointless and we should suppress our feelings instead. I know I wouldn’t shut down or turn away from a friend in need, and my experience of opening up to people has been largely positive, even if there has also been awkwardness and difficulty there.

It’s really saddening to hear so many of you have had such bad experiences of opening up, and I don’t want to seem like I’m minimising that at all, but as I said, depression does alter your worldview so could it be possible that people care more than you (as in everyone posting here) think, but their reactions maybe weren’t what you wanted, so you’ve defaulted to feeling that they don’t care? I know in the depths of my depression I perceived people snubbing and shutting me down and not caring when that wasn’t actually the truth. But like I said, I’m not meaning to assume anyone’s experience, and hope everyone here can recover in their own way.

I think it’s a difficult one. As a recently bereaved mother I have had an awful 2 years since I lost my teenage child, very suddenly, very needlessly and very tragically. I’ve tried counselling on more than one occasion but found it didn’t help at all. Unless you’ve been through something similar you can’t comprehend, nor give advice and I have friends who will just listen, I didn’t need a counsellor for that. The whole experience was a waste of time and left me thinking that maybe generations previously had it right in that a stiff upper lip/don’t talk about it/find your own coping strategies approach was better. I don’t know. I suppose it depends on the person and it depends on the counsellor. But for me it didn’t work.
Also, if I’m being totally honest, all this mental health stuff grates a bit sometimes. I find myself thinking “ I wish I could swap places and have your problems”. I know that isn’t the right thing to think and that it isn’t a competition but I can’t help it. Losing a child changes you -and not in a good way. I suppose what I’m saying is that in confiding to others about your own problems you never know what they are already dealing with themselves.

@MarieInternette so so sorry to hear this. I cannot imagine what you have been through.