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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think no-one would be offended by this?

79 replies

HappilyHadesBound · 01/06/2021 14:41

I'm getting married in April next year, in the middle of the Easter holidays. Between that and the fact that lots of people have had to rearrange holidays etc so school holidays will be even busier for bookings next year as well as a lot of people needing to travel, I want to get the invites out soon.

My worry is that everything I've read keeps saying 6-12 weeks in advance, but even if I weren't worried about it being the school holidays, I have to confirm final numbers 8 weeks before, and guests can only get the accommodation discounted up to 8 weeks before as well.

I really want to get them made and sent out now (which will be 8-9 months before the wedding by the time they arrive. I know there's the option of save the dates, but I'm not keen on them, I've heard others say the same, and they're an additional cost.

Would you be offended to receive an invitation that far in advance?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2021 14:43

Huh? Give people notice so they can make plans. Makes sense.

LemonRoses · 01/06/2021 14:46

Just send a correspondence card and explain. I think invitations now run the risk of wedding cancellation or reduction cards being needed; certainly happened to us.

Our son is marrying in France, in June of next year and has let people know and sent accommodation lists to people, so they can book. He will need to tidy up lists and make a few changes probably so isn't sending full invitations.

CushionsandCandles · 01/06/2021 14:46

Isn't that what save the date cards are for?

It means you can get people to put the date in the diary with plenary of warning. If you send out full invites now finer details might also change so send invites out with all details at 10 weeks ish!

Triffid1 · 01/06/2021 14:46

No, I would not be offended at all and would appreciate the proper heads up. A few things to consider:

when sending the invite, perhaps make a reference to why you're setting up alll this so far in advance etc.

Consider some kind of update via post/email at least 8 weeks in a advance because the only thing I'd be worried about is that your flakier guests will have said, "yes yes, we can't wait, will see you then" then promptly forget all about it and over Christmas go ahead and book themselves an Easter Holiday in Greece and you're left with empty tables on the day.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/06/2021 14:48

There’s nothing to say you have to have to send a save-the-date, their only real purpose is exactly as it says on the tin, asking guests to keep the day free before you’ve settled on the precise arrangements which would go into the invitation. If you already know all the details then just send the invitation with all the info in. I can’t think of any reason why anybody would be offended, what’s offensive about an invitation?

ShutUpAlex · 01/06/2021 14:50

We’re getting married next may and we’ve already sent out our invites!

honeygirlz · 01/06/2021 14:50

Yes, I would feel offended, how should I know what I'm doing in 8-9 months time?

Jokes, 8-9 months is nothing.

Original poster

HappilyHadesBound · 01/06/2021 14:54

I was worried after reading things saying it's bad etiquette. Personally, I'd prefer as much notice as possible, I think it's much better to plan in advance!

I completely get that if plans have to change because of COVID I'll have to send them again, but that's a possibility while sending a save the date will mean we definitely have the cost of both. I have everything already set in stone with the venue and registrars as far as the timings are concerned, so can't see them changing, only likely issue is COVID.

OP posts:

BlueDucky · 01/06/2021 14:55

It's fine. You could always do the main family ones early and then nearer the time send out the ones for eg work colleagues. Just make sure you give lots of time for replies and if you are sending them staggered then send all of one group at the same time.

PixieDust28 · 01/06/2021 15:02

No I'd prefer this! I prefer to make arrangements well ahead of time!

CheesyMother · 01/06/2021 15:04

The risk is that people will lose the invitation before the day, and will then be contacting you that morning to ask for the postcode etc.

There’s a pretty high chance I’d mislay a wedding invitation in 9 months... less likely in 3 months.

skirk64 · 01/06/2021 15:12

It's fine, but I would send another invitation a few weeks before the 8 week deadline for those who have forgotten all about it. It's not rude though, if anything you are being considerate by giving them plenty of notice.

Original poster

HappilyHadesBound · 01/06/2021 15:12

I'll be doing online RSVP's and all the information will be on the website, so hopefully won't be too much of a worry about losing them.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappilyHadesBound · 01/06/2021 15:13

@skirk64

You see, that's what I think too! I was genuinely shocked by everything saying only a few weeks before- it all said 6-8 weeks, or 3 months for a destination wedding (which ours is definitely not!).

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Original poster

HappilyHadesBound · 01/06/2021 15:14

I'm intrigued that 15% think people WOULD be offended- but no comments to match that. Can anyone who's said that explain?

OP posts:

mariemare · 01/06/2021 15:21

I wouldn't mind an early invitation, but I'd like to know if I'm on your Covid A list or B list. Not entirely sure how you could be tactful about that...

InTheDrunkTank · 01/06/2021 15:24

I would definitely want lots of notice for a wedding I would have to make travel arrangements for. Eight months is about right. If some people decline it gives you plenty of time to send out other invites without it being obvious that people are second choice guests.

MsMarch · 01/06/2021 15:25

@HappilyHadesBound

I'll be doing online RSVP's and all the information will be on the website, so hopefully won't be too much of a worry about losing them.

the issue of course is that some people, even with all that notice, won't be willing to book/commit so far in advance. For any number of reasons from sheer uselessness, to cash flow issues (eg if you sent an invite to me now, there's no way I could book it because this is such an expensive time of year for us right now as we have kids birthdays, we've booked a summer holiday etc. Putting down a deposit on a place for next easter would just be beyond me), to uncertainty re other plans such as family events/ babies etc.

So sending out early is fine, but I think you'd need to be prepared for the fact that it's not going to magically solve the "oh no, we can't get accommodation" or whatever nearer the time.

amylou8 · 01/06/2021 15:31

I wouldn't be offended at all, but I'd think it a bit odd to get an invite so far in advance. Then I'd forget about it, lose it and remember a few weeks before (probably 😕). Unless of course you were my sister/daughter/best mate/someone who's wedding I couldn't possibly miss...then I'd like the heads up now (a text would be fine) so I didn't book a holiday that week.

Topseyt · 01/06/2021 15:34

Our wedding was 28 years ago now and I am pretty sure we sent the invitations out at least this far in advance.

To my knowledge, there were no "save the date" cards back then. Not sure I'd have bothered with them even if there were. Seems like a whole lot of extra postage to me, and needless. Just send out the invitations and get the whole lot done in one go. You are giving people plenty of notice.

Why would anyone be offended? If they are then let that be their problem, not yours.

UmamiMammy · 01/06/2021 15:34

I wouldn't be offended but I find it very early for invitations. I think if you send invites out now you will have to be flexible about things changing.....

lottiegarbanzo · 01/06/2021 15:38

I'd like date and location now, full invitation about 3-4 months before.

I've already booked to go away next Easter, so you might be too late for some people, already. CV is really messing around with advance bookings. A lot of people have booked far ahead in an effort to have a reliable holiday to look forward to.

strawberrydonuts · 01/06/2021 15:39

We are getting married April 2022 as well.

However, ours has been cancelled twice (Originally April 2020) and so we've sent out our full invitations once already! First time around it was cancelled two weeks before so everything has already been done.

So for 2022 we've had a digital Save the Date designed through Etsy, which was pretty cheap (about £15 and looks nice and professional - you could even do it yourself if you're arty). We have simply emailed everyone on our guest list with this and stated on it that all other details remain the same as their original invite.

We will sent out proper invitations again in Autumn, probably 6 months before the wedding. I think now is too soon and people will likely lose them or details will change a bit, but they do need to know the date so that they can plan.

RevolutionRadio · 01/06/2021 15:40

I'd prefer a proper invite in advance rather than a save the date, at least that way I know exactly what I'm invited to and what time off/booking arrangements I need to make.

Original poster

HappilyHadesBound · 01/06/2021 15:43

@mariemare

I wouldn't mind an early invitation, but I'd like to know if I'm on your Covid A list or B list. Not entirely sure how you could be tactful about that...

As yet, I only have the one plan... I'm hoping things will be ok by then and it not be necessary.

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