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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my husband to leave

85 replies

Lookingforthecoffeerevels · 31/05/2021 19:01

Long time lurker here. But my first post. I'm at the end of my tether with him. I've just tried to talk to him about our relationship. He has spent the entire day gaming. He hasn't spent any time with me or dds. This is completely usual for him. I tried to explain that it would be nice if we could spend some time together. He ignored me. I asked why we're even together if he's not bothered to be with me. His answer was, well I've put up with you for this long haven't I?
He shows no interest in me. I do everything in the house. He won't do anything without me asking first. If I ask more than once then I'm nagging. There are many DIY jobs waiting over a year for him. He won't do them but won't let me get someone in .
He puts me down a lot and will sneer and call me stupid. I have depression and when I asked him to be more supportive he's just said that I don't do enough to help myself. I am so sick of it and realise I can't live like this for the rest of my life.
Basically, Aibu to say he should leave. He thinks I am and tbh I've always put up with his behaviour.
Thanks for reading this ramble.

OP posts:

SkodaKodiaq · 31/05/2021 21:03

See if you can get an Occupational Order. That will LEGALLY require him to leave the house for 30 days, enabling you to find elsewhere. This applies regardless of whether he owns/co-owns the house or not.
Occupational orders are issued in cases of abuse. What you are experiencing is domestic abuse

Aria999 · 31/05/2021 21:04

Good luck with kicking him out.

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 21:06

@Cactusesi

One of the reasons the OP should leave rather than her husband is she wants change and he doesn't. He is happy living with her and his daughters, she isn't.

No, it doesn't work that way.

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 21:08

I agree with getting a consultation with a solicitor right away before you do anything else. Please keep us posted.

SengaMac · 31/05/2021 21:10

Get advice on what your financial situation would be, if you are no longer with him.
If you want to sell the house, he can't prevent it.

Original poster

Lookingforthecoffeerevels · 31/05/2021 21:18

Thank you everyone. I'm looking at solicitors now.
I need to make the change.

OP posts:

Cactusesi · 31/05/2021 21:20

It does work that way if the Husband wont leave the house. Either she lives with him or she leaves.

Whydidimarryhim · 31/05/2021 21:21

Look on entitled to - it’s a benefit entitlement calculator. Base it on your income alone - you may be entitled to tax credits. Put in your daughters details - you don’t need to put in your real name - it will give an idea what you may get.
Also check his wages and then go on the child maintenance calculator - he will need to pay you maintenance which will be extra.
He’s a shit isn’t he. He must be so proud of himself as a Dad!!!
Tell your friends - record the abusive arse hole if needed for them.
Do you have any other family support.
Be careful and move any documents to a safe place.
See how much he earns, any savings he has or shares and his pension,
It will all be useful if you divorce him.

Dixiechickonhols · 31/05/2021 21:27

Best wishes. You can do this. Life will be better. Get all financial docs you can and keep passports/birth certificates safe. You work and are married so house/pension etc will be split.

Caterinaballerina · 31/05/2021 21:28

I know you might want to keep the house but another thing you could consider doing is having it valued so you know what you might be dealing with as a value when looking at splitting assets. Then a solicitor would be able to guide you on what split of all assets you should be looking for, ie if he has a bigger pension and keeps it, you’d have more of the house, although don’t discount sharing a pension, you should plan for the future.

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 21:29

@Cactusesi

It does work that way if the Husband wont leave the house. Either she lives with him or she leaves.

Um, again, no, that's not how it works.

If the couple can't work it out, the judge decides.

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 21:34

@Lookingforthecoffeerevels

Thank you everyone. I'm looking at solicitors now. I need to make the change.

Good for you!

numberoneson · 31/05/2021 21:39

Like previous posters said - your first step is seeing a solicitor and finding out what steps you need to take. I'm in Scotland and I know English law is different in many aspects to ours, but check if like us, you would be entitled to live in the family home with him chucked out, until your children are 18, despite him owning half (or even all!) of it. There will be various benefits you could claim if your income wouldn't cover all your costs - Citizens Advice or your local Social Work Department's Welfare Officer could help you with that. Whatever you do - get shot of him ASAP for the sake of your mental health (have you asked your GP for help with that? If not, please, please do) and also your children who will undoubtedly be feeling the stress even if they're good at hiding it.

Tistheseason17 · 31/05/2021 21:42

Sounds really tough, sorry.

IsThePopeCatholic · 31/05/2021 21:44

He sounds horrible. You will be so much happier when you have got rid of him. He seems not to like you at all. Good luck, op. You deserve so much more.

FortniteBoysMum · 31/05/2021 21:51

Don't ask him to leave as he isn't going to do so without a fight. Wait until his out pack his bags and pop them on the door step. Change the locks. His not going to change.

BrilliantBetty · 31/05/2021 21:51

You'll feel so much better when he's gone. How old are the DC?

PurpleRainDancer · 31/05/2021 21:53

@Cactusesi

One of the reasons the OP should leave rather than her husband is she wants change and he doesn't. He is happy living with her and his daughters, she isn't.

Give over

Tubs11 · 31/05/2021 21:54

I think you found the source of your depresssion!!!

DaphneDuBois · 31/05/2021 21:57

Don’t ask him. Tell him. He’s a pathetic husband and father.

CandyLeBonBon · 31/05/2021 21:59

Wow. That's some pretty emphatic action three hours after your first post op. I hope it turns out on.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/05/2021 22:14

he's just said that I don't do enough to help myself

What a selfish wanker.

I'm looking at solicitors now.

Yay! You are doing the best thing to help yourself, and also your teenage DDs. Show them that this is NOT how to be treated by men. I'm cheering you on. Easy for me to say I know, but keep posting.

Original poster

Lookingforthecoffeerevels · 31/05/2021 22:15

I'm looking at solicitors in my area. I don't know when I'll actually pluck up the courage to contact them, but at least it's a step.
I appreciate everyone's help and support. It's the affirmation that I needed to make a change.
I'm still sitting on my own and he's watching a film. He can't or won't make any effort with me.

OP posts:

Frazzled2207 · 31/05/2021 22:17

@Lookingforthecoffeerevels

I'm looking at solicitors in my area. I don't know when I'll actually pluck up the courage to contact them, but at least it's a step. I appreciate everyone's help and support. It's the affirmation that I needed to make a change. I'm still sitting on my own and he's watching a film. He can't or won't make any effort with me.

make yourself a promise that you'll call one tomorrow. hopefully they'll be super helpful.

OhSayWhat · 31/05/2021 22:17

Of course you can’t make him leave his own house, just like he can’t make you leave.

He sounds horrid. Organise yourself to leave and commence divorce proceedings.

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