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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my husband to leave

85 replies

Lookingforthecoffeerevels · 31/05/2021 19:01

Long time lurker here. But my first post. I'm at the end of my tether with him. I've just tried to talk to him about our relationship. He has spent the entire day gaming. He hasn't spent any time with me or dds. This is completely usual for him. I tried to explain that it would be nice if we could spend some time together. He ignored me. I asked why we're even together if he's not bothered to be with me. His answer was, well I've put up with you for this long haven't I?
He shows no interest in me. I do everything in the house. He won't do anything without me asking first. If I ask more than once then I'm nagging. There are many DIY jobs waiting over a year for him. He won't do them but won't let me get someone in .
He puts me down a lot and will sneer and call me stupid. I have depression and when I asked him to be more supportive he's just said that I don't do enough to help myself. I am so sick of it and realise I can't live like this for the rest of my life.
Basically, Aibu to say he should leave. He thinks I am and tbh I've always put up with his behaviour.
Thanks for reading this ramble.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lookingforthecoffeerevels · 31/05/2021 19:54

Exactly, he is charming and funny in front of others. That's why I've posted here because I'm too embarrassed IRL to speak to people about him

OP posts:

Original poster

Lookingforthecoffeerevels · 31/05/2021 19:56

Royalbloo, sorry, I don't know how to copy your name properly! I know, I judge people by my own standards. Which unfortunately for me is normally wrong. I've enabled his knob behaviour for too long.

OP posts:

tara66 · 31/05/2021 20:13

Royalbloo ''Leg it'' you say - but it is HER house - so why should SHE do the legging? Change the locks and dump his stuff outside is the usual advice - but see a solicitor first. He may be entitled to half the value of the house though.

Notaroadrunner · 31/05/2021 20:21

@tara66

She said 'we own' the house so I gather it's jointly owned? Either way get legal advice asap. Stop doing anything for him - cooking his dinner, doing his washing etc if you do any of that. Separate now. Hopefully you have a spare room you can move into, or ask the girls to share for a while if they have a room each. Do not put up with him as your husband any longer. You wouldn't want your girls thinking this is a normal loving relationship and something they should accept for themselves in the future.

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 20:21

Ugh, this just sounds ugly. Not a good place for you or your child at all. It would be very difficult to live in this and not be depressed.

I think you should get a consultation with a divorce attorney and get an idea of what your financial situation will look like without your husband.

Please keep us posted.

Lovemusic33 · 31/05/2021 20:25

I kicked my dh out but we didn’t own the house so it was much easier. The house is half his so he has a right to stay, sadly you can’t kick him out, change the locks or chuck all his stuff out the door. Best thing to do is to start divorce proceedings, the result will probably be the house being sold and any money halved?

I think if we had owned our own house we would have just rubbed along until it was sold, though it wouldn’t have been easy. My dh was similar to yours though he didn’t game much, was glued to horse racing and sport all the time and spent no time with the dc, I threatened to kick him out many times, when I actually did it he was totally shocked, I don’t think he ever thought I would go through with it.

Cactusesi · 31/05/2021 20:26

One of the reasons the OP should leave rather than her husband is she wants change and he doesn't. He is happy living with her and his daughters, she isn't.

Jumpingintosummer · 31/05/2021 20:31

@Cactusesi he speaks down to the daughters, is a shit husband etc... get a grip!

queenofthenorthwest · 31/05/2021 20:34

See a solicitor and see where you stand

This is no life.

Thelnebriati · 31/05/2021 20:39

Take your daughters out of the house and ask them what they would prefer, a life with less but just the three of you, or to stay as they are.

Mumoblue · 31/05/2021 20:42

Get rid of him!
My ex was like this, took me way too long to bin him. So much happier now that I have- I don’t have a to put up with anyone’s shit any more.
Even if you take a hit financially, you will be happier in the long run.

tara66 · 31/05/2021 20:46

Notaroadrunner - you're right it is ''we'' own the house - I actually did read it twice - eyes or something clearly not functioning properly.

SameToo · 31/05/2021 20:47

I was with a serious gamer. Wrote for Nintendo, sampled games etc. Wasn’t a paid job though. But consumed all his non working time. My uni books had his notes for games in 🙄 it was a wasted life.

Frazzled2207 · 31/05/2021 20:47

Wow yanbu. I'm pleased though that you seem to have realised what you have to do. What happens next will be complicated and possibly rubbish but after that you have the rest of your life.
See a solicitor is the first thing. I suspect you'll have to sell the house or he'll have to buy you out. Could you possibly rent something small or stay with someone in the short term? do you think he'll contest custody of your daughter?

once you've told him (probably best get legal advice first) then stop doing his laundry and cooking and ideally move into a spare room, or share with your daughter, until the house is sold.

I'm sorry you're in this position but you have a much happier life almost in front of you, you just need to get past this difficult bit first.

Frazzled2207 · 31/05/2021 20:50

@Lookingforthecoffeerevels

Exactly, he is charming and funny in front of others. That's why I've posted here because I'm too embarrassed IRL to speak to people about him

ps I had an ex like this. Yes he was charming and funny in front of everyone else which made it really hard for me to leave him. However my friends admitted to me when I did leave him how much of a knob they thought he was and they were extremely supportive.

maddening · 31/05/2021 20:52

Divorce and sell the house.

Italiangreyhound · 31/05/2021 20:55

Seek legal advice if you have a shared home you both own. If you are renting I am not sure the legal situation is. But either way you are not wrong to want to separate. He sounds like bloody hard work for no return.

And if you have not yet seen the GP, please do, for the depression.

Sally2791 · 31/05/2021 20:56

Before he’s aware that you mean it this time, get copies/info re all financial matters. If he’s a sneaky bastard make sure you have all of his pensions, investments, everything. Change child benefits to your personal account, doesn’t sound like he does much in that department. Get good legal advice (see several for their free sessions) then go for it.
I can assure you that reduced circumstances but being free of a twat H is a much better way to live

RichPetunia · 31/05/2021 20:56

Hi OP, you need to take action so you are happy. See a lawyer and take advice. I’ve been away from my partner for a few years now - he was a nice enough person but he never wanted to do anything house-wise - didn’t want to buy it, didn’t want to do home improvements. Since I asked him to leave I’ve bought the house and made loads of improvements. It’s great being answerable to yourself only. Take the big step now and move forward. It will probably be quite hard to begin with but in the long run you won’t regret it. I’d also say that you should speak to someone from the Citizen’s Advice Bureau as there will be staff there who will be able to discuss benefit top ups to your wage and give money advice. Might put your mind at rest. Good luck!

Italiangreyhound · 31/05/2021 20:56

Sorry , I missed that, looks like you own the house together? Get advice and get all your paperwork etc (Passports etc) where you can find them in case you need them.

Starlightstarbright1 · 31/05/2021 20:57

You need to see a solicitor. He has no reason to change the status quo... you znd your Dd's do.

Original poster

Lookingforthecoffeerevels · 31/05/2021 20:57

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. I've just tried talking to him and he said me asking him to leave has come out of the blue😲 I asked why he put up with me etc and that he should leave if I'm so awful. He just stays quiet. Dd1 then came home so can't carry on the subject.
I know that I can't sweep this under the carpet like I have every other time we talk.
I'm going to stop doing anything for him too. Unfortunately we don't have a spare room for me to move into ☹

OP posts:

Peppapeg · 31/05/2021 20:59

@Cactusesi

One of the reasons the OP should leave rather than her husband is she wants change and he doesn't. He is happy living with her and his daughters, she isn't.

Ah yes leave the DDs with a bloke who talks down to them, does nought around the house, and can't be arsed to spend time with them

Notaroadrunner · 31/05/2021 21:01

@Lookingforthecoffeerevels

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. I've just tried talking to him and he said me asking him to leave has come out of the blue😲 I asked why he put up with me etc and that he should leave if I'm so awful. He just stays quiet. Dd1 then came home so can't carry on the subject. I know that I can't sweep this under the carpet like I have every other time we talk. I'm going to stop doing anything for him too. Unfortunately we don't have a spare room for me to move into ☹

Shame you don't have a spare room. I'd sleep on the couch rather than share a bed with such an asshole tbh. Get that legal advice asap.

Horehound · 31/05/2021 21:01

Yes definitely split with him.
He sounds awful

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