To expect dp to be more supportive?!

[nerihasme1]

Recently found out I'm pregnant, dp and I are pleased about this. I have been a heavy smoker for many years, I smoke more than anyone I know. Had my last cigarette on Saturday night, it's hard. I feel like I'm doing pretty well but both yesterday and today I've had about half hour/an hour where I've felt really really upset and angry, it feels uncontrollable and consuming - I don't know whether it's withdrawal, hormones or a combination of both. On both occasions I expressed to dp that I was struggling and he just didn't seem to care much or offer any kind of support. Today he's been outside doing work on our communal garden with a couple of the neighbours and he hasn't checked to see how I'm doing, and when I went outside and expressed that I was struggling he just didn't say anything or offer comfort and carried on doing garden stuff. Is he being a d**k or am I being overly emotional and unreasonable because of withdrawal and/or hormones?!

You think he should interrupt whatever he’s doing to come and ask you if you’re doing ok without cigarettes?

What is it you would like him to do?

He’s not ‘being a dick’ no

What can he realistically do? He can say keep going you are doing well but ultimately this is something you need to do for yourself and I say that as an ex smoker.

Tbh when I was giving up I felt better having space rather than someone around me as I know I was quite snappy at times.

Seriously, it's not like you need medical attention. Your just craving a cigarette... he shouldn't stop doing what he's doing over that. Maybe go join him and help? Take your mind off the cravings.

Tbh when I was giving up I felt better having space rather than someone around me as I know I was quite snappy at times.

Same. I made DH evacuate few times. Withdrawal can be really shit, I had so strong one, I never believed it could be that bad. Only thing I wanted was for everyone to fuck off. And sleeeeep. I barely slept the first couple of weeks.

He can't do anything for you. He could do sympathetic nod and that's it.

Um, no, he's not being a dick. Maybe you need to apologise to him.

Wow very unsympathetic lot I think he could give you a bit of encouragement and maybe make you a cup of tea. It is hard to give up smoking but will be worth it, so keep going OP, try to keep busy and take your mind off it.

Is he a smoker too? Non smokers don't get it.

You are doing really well!

Honestly once the morning sickness starts you'll have forgotten about the cigarettes. Congrats.

He's not being a dick, you are being needy

I think he's being a dick!! Isn't that what partners are there for? To encourage and support and be there for us in our times of need! Makes no odds that he can't "physically" do anything, sometimes a kind word is all that's needed to lift us. Especially from the who's baby you carrying and making every effort to look after. Well done on giving up, keep going 👏

You’ve quit for yourself and your baby. You’re not doing your DP a favour, which is sort of what it sounds like.

Keep busy, find productive healthy ways to process difficult emotions. Pregnancy will be a rollercoaster if you don’t. It might be even if you to but you’re an adult, you’re having a child, you need to look after yourself a bit.

What is he like when you are ill?

I think it is normal for emotions to come bursting out when you have given up smoking . And you are pregnant too so it is going to be hard.

If this is out character for your partner, maybe he just doesn't know what to say but also maybe he wants to stay out of your way!

Well done, it's bloody hard but so worth it . I always remember Alan Carr's book and him saying "you only smoke because you smoke" meaning once you take away the chemical addiction there is no need to smoke. He reckoned it took 24 hours I think, to leave your body.

You will have to find healthy alternatives but then also move into just being! I remember thinking it would be impossible, for instance to drive for more than say 20 mins and not have a fag on the journey . But of course it's fine! .

I really wish you luck.

OP, is going to be all those things messing and with your thinking. Most particularly the nicotine (& other crap) withdrawal.

I suspect if he was regularly checking how you were doing you'd find it equally unsupportive.

He may be trying to avoid mentioning it to avoid bringing your attention to quitting & withdrawal.

Hang in there, you can do it. Maybe buy a punch bag!

Congratulations on your pregnancy and on deciding to quit smoking. You have made a good decision for you and your baby.

Have you thought about getting nicotine replacement therapy ? You can take most types in pregnancy. More info here

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/keeping-well/stop-smoking/

Now go and help your partner in the garden to take your mind off the cravings.

Examples - I want him to:

Offer a comforting hug or hand hold
Ask me how I'm feeling
Ask if there's anything he could do to help
Tell me I'm doing well and offer encouragement
Try to make me laugh
Distract me through the craving

Basically just demonstrate that he cares that I'm struggling, he appreciates how hard it is and would like to help me any way he can.

Yes he is a smoker.

Definitely a lack of sympathy and understanding here.. I don't expect him to be at my beck and call or constantly asking me if I'm okay etc, but I specifically went outside to seek support from him as I'm struggling and he didn't give me any. I can't seek support from any of my friends or family because we aren't telling people that I'm pregnant yet so he is my only support available, and when I'm saying 'I need support right now' and asking for his help, he's not giving it.

Thank you for all the supportive encouraging comments, I really appreciate them :)

But the OP isn't ill. She has given up smoking. Yes it's hard but he can't help with it other than an encouraging word. Op needs to do things to take her mind off of it. The gardening would have been ideal. Instead of going out saying she was struggling she would have been better asking something about what they were doing or getting involved. If her DP had come in and made her a nice cup of tea and said well done dear you are doing great, it just keeps the fact you aren't smoking forefront in your mind.

@sweeneytoddsrazor I have been trying to distract myself, please don't think I'm sitting here doing nothing feeling woe is me! I've done some housework, watched a program, played games on my phone, snacked, chewed gum, 'smoked' an unlit cigarette, played with fidget toys, been on here. I have been trying to distract myself/cope with cravings alone.

I didn't tell friends and family till after my scan but Ive changed my mind about this. I now think if you think they would be supportive then tell them or at least someone who is a supportive person for you (I would tell my mum) because if something did happen you would want their support for that too.

How much did you smoke each day? What level of addiction are we dealing with here?

Also do you not think him constantly asking you if you’re ok and ‘supporting’ you is only going to remind you that you’re not smoking, and make it worse?

Also, ‘smoking’ an unlit cigarette is a bloody stupid idea, the temptation to light it will be too great. Get the bloody things out of the house.

@sweeneytoddsrazor also addiction is considered a mental illness, and this is definitely much worse/harder than any cold or bug I've ever had 🤷‍♀️ When I'm physically ill I'm perfectly fine, take care of myself, barely ask for support.