Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dp to be more supportive?!

74 replies

nerihasme1 · 31/05/2021 15:01

Recently found out I'm pregnant, dp and I are pleased about this. I have been a heavy smoker for many years, I smoke more than anyone I know. Had my last cigarette on Saturday night, it's hard. I feel like I'm doing pretty well but both yesterday and today I've had about half hour/an hour where I've felt really really upset and angry, it feels uncontrollable and consuming - I don't know whether it's withdrawal, hormones or a combination of both. On both occasions I expressed to dp that I was struggling and he just didn't seem to care much or offer any kind of support. Today he's been outside doing work on our communal garden with a couple of the neighbours and he hasn't checked to see how I'm doing, and when I went outside and expressed that I was struggling he just didn't say anything or offer comfort and carried on doing garden stuff. Is he being a d**k or am I being overly emotional and unreasonable because of withdrawal and/or hormones?!

OP posts:
Original poster
nerihasme1 · 31/05/2021 16:30

@Voomster953 I've removed all rizlas filters and baccy from my house and car, dp had left his cigarettes on the side and I was desperate for something to make me feel 'better', I honestly didn't feel like I was at risk of lighting it, I just wanted to see if the 'ritual' would make me feel better without the smoke

OP posts:
Voomster953 · 31/05/2021 16:31

Would your husband support you by quitting too?

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 31/05/2021 16:31

I thinks it's bizarre that you expect him to periodically break off from his gardening with the neighbours, to come in and crack a few jokes or whatever else was on that program of distractions. Why not go and help with the gardening? That'd be an excellent and healthy distraction.

Original poster
nerihasme1 · 31/05/2021 16:31

And I was smoking between 25 and 40 a day (very varied depending on stress/busyness/whether I was drinking etc)

OP posts:
Original poster
nerihasme1 · 31/05/2021 16:32

@Voomster953

Would your husband support you by quitting too?
No
OP posts:
Voomster953 · 31/05/2021 16:33

Would he not want to be supportive to you and also be healthier for his baby?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 31/05/2021 16:33

@Voomster953

Would your husband support you by quitting too?
You don't quit to "support" someone else. You quit for yourself. Unfortunately, trying to do things like that for others rarely works out ime
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/05/2021 16:33

Its grim that he wont quit for his child.

Original poster
nerihasme1 · 31/05/2021 16:36

For those saying why don't I go and do the garden too - all the neighbours out there smoke so will be smoking and I think I will find that very difficult. Inside is not a place we smoke so it's not the usual environment. Addiction research tells us that drug related environments, moods and physical cues result in cravings and temptation, I'm trying to avoid the environment and cues as much as possible (e.g I have switched my morning coffee to tea, I'm brushing my teeth after meals, trying to avoid boredom, removed all smoking related paraphernalia from my home and car etc)

OP posts:
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 31/05/2021 16:38

That's fair enough. I'm approaching 100 days sober and know how important avoiding triggers in the early days, is. Good luck.

Dollywilde · 31/05/2021 16:39

As someone who has been through this you have my sympathy! I wasn’t smoking as much as you but I quit the second I was pregnant. Tbh it was relatively easy from a physical perspective as I felt so sick but psychologically it was a complete mindfuck. Yes obviously you’re doing it for your child and it’s one of the best things you can ever do (plus you’ll be quids in!) but it is so tough.

Gently though you are BU! Totally understandable but you’re having a little bit of a pity party and it’s not your DP’s job to fix it. Also I imagine he feels a bit weird about it, did you ever have someone quit and then it made you feel uncomfortable so you pushed it down until it went away and you could carry on smoking guilt free?

I now have a 10 month old daughter and I’m so glad I quit, honestly please persevere. You’re doing brilliantly. I tried to have a cigarette on my first baby free night out when outside pubs reopened and I was nearly sick, never again! There’s light at the end of the tunnel - keep on keeping on Smile

SimonJT · 31/05/2021 16:44

I quit smoking in August, for about 3/4 weeks I was a monster at times. I very much felt like you, so I told my partner, he then started checking on me etc and of course I also found that equally irritating.

Essentially in those first 28 or so days you need to be locked away and hidden from other humans as whatever they do it will piss you off.

Give yourself and him a little bit of slack.

Eviebeans · 31/05/2021 16:47

Something I found really helpful when giving up was to find an activity to do with my hands (used to smoke roll ups and found that part of the thing was actually rolling the cigarette) so I took up knitting and crochet to replace that part of it.
Would also recommend hypnotherapy

roarfeckingroarr · 31/05/2021 16:49

My partner struggled to give up smoking when we were expecting a baby. I struggled to have that much sympathy for mood swings caused by a habit he always knew was unhealthy and addictive yet did anyway.

WaterBottle123 · 31/05/2021 16:51

Just seen the update that's he's a smoker.

That changes everything, smoking around a child is a dick move. He's a dick.

quizqueen · 31/05/2021 16:55

He needs to quit smoking too, otherwise he will be picking up the baby with his stinky nicotine hands. Smoking is so disgusting, it should be banned worldwide. Honestly, l don't think smokers realise how badly they smell.

Boscoforever · 31/05/2021 16:56

OP, read the Alan Carr Quit Smoking book, and hopefully, you can stay off them for good! It's so worth it.
Good luck with it all, I've been there. Sounds like your partner is resisting change, but it will come and it will have to happen.

fearfulfran · 31/05/2021 17:02

I don't think people have been very supportive on here. Sorry Op. MN hates smokers.

Whatever it is you've given up, he's given up nothing! Just carries on doing and drinking what's he likes with his mind and body intact. I wanted to stab my partner regularly.

Of course he should be more of a comfort. You're doing this for HIS baby. Selfish twat

Aprilx · 31/05/2021 17:03

I think you are being a bit unreasonable / needy with your list of what you would like him to do. But I would expect a bigger thing from him and that is to join you in quitting. I think it is a bit disappointing that he doesn’t want to quit with a baby coming.

VimFuego101 · 31/05/2021 17:04

@Aprilx

I think you are being a bit unreasonable / needy with your list of what you would like him to do. But I would expect a bigger thing from him and that is to join you in quitting. I think it is a bit disappointing that he doesn’t want to quit with a baby coming.
I agree, he should want to quit to support you and because of the impact to you/ your baby of even second hand smoke.
Moneypenny007 · 31/05/2021 17:05

Go to your pharmacy and see is there anything safe to take when expecting to help with the cravings.

fearfulfran · 31/05/2021 17:06

I also think that whilst it is true that you have to want to quit an addiction "for you" not someone else, a baby is a different thing. OP has quit for the baby, he should too

Dddccc · 31/05/2021 17:10

Sorry as an ex smoker who gave up when pregnant your dp can do nothing at all really to help get yourself some adult colouring books and pencils and colour the hours away when you feel a craving drink a glass of ice water or something spicy I am nearly 10 years stopped now and still get the odd craving even though I hate the smell now

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 31/05/2021 17:11

Giving up smoking is absolute hell. I used to smoke 40 a day, just chain smoked. I went cold turkey one day and thought I'd die. That was 20 years ago.
I can't stand the disgusting filthy smell now. You will get there but I remember I was pretty foul tempered for a while.

TwoAndAnOnion · 31/05/2021 17:15

[quote nerihasme1]@sweeneytoddsrazor also addiction is considered a mental illness, and this is definitely much worse/harder than any cold or bug I've ever had 🤷‍♀️ When I'm physically ill I'm perfectly fine, take care of myself, barely ask for support. [/quote]
Try a stop smoking support group.

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/addiction-what-is-it/