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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dp to be more supportive?!

74 replies

nerihasme1 · 31/05/2021 15:01

Recently found out I'm pregnant, dp and I are pleased about this. I have been a heavy smoker for many years, I smoke more than anyone I know. Had my last cigarette on Saturday night, it's hard. I feel like I'm doing pretty well but both yesterday and today I've had about half hour/an hour where I've felt really really upset and angry, it feels uncontrollable and consuming - I don't know whether it's withdrawal, hormones or a combination of both. On both occasions I expressed to dp that I was struggling and he just didn't seem to care much or offer any kind of support. Today he's been outside doing work on our communal garden with a couple of the neighbours and he hasn't checked to see how I'm doing, and when I went outside and expressed that I was struggling he just didn't say anything or offer comfort and carried on doing garden stuff. Is he being a d**k or am I being overly emotional and unreasonable because of withdrawal and/or hormones?!

OP posts:

LostSocksBrigade · 31/05/2021 17:17

Kindly YABU BUT with that said it's hard and a little compassion would go a long way. Instead of just saying you're struggling tell him specifically that you're determined to be strong for your baby and you're feeling a little bit emotional, from withdrawal and hormones, and that a few extra hugs would mean a lot to you. Don't make a big deal out of it, he just doesn't know what you need and it sounds like he's doing normal stuff. Communicate with him a little more openly instead of expecting him to just know.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2021 17:20

@SimonJT is spot on. I remember giving up and it is hellish but for a while every time anybody said anything supportive you just want to snap back something along the lines of fuck off you condescending prick, its me doing it not you. Especially if they havent/aren't doing. And even towards people who have successfully done it because somehow to you your case is harder than theirs was. It is a horrid torrid time but it doesn't last forever

Gemma2019 · 31/05/2021 17:21

He should also be giving up smoking now you're pregnant. It's such a waste of money too. It will be much harder for you to give up when you are surrounded by smokers.

GillBiggeloesHair · 31/05/2021 17:37

Giving up smoking is horrific. It turned me into a monster, like the worst PMT ever and I was so very depressed.
My husband was utterly unsympathetic, he is one of those smug fuckers that gave up easily and never looked back. Bastard.

Geppili · 01/06/2021 11:14

Talk to your midwife. You can use some NRT while pregnant. I did and it really helped. I think your partner is being completely unsupportive because he's not even trying to give up. You are doing so well!

PaperbackRider · 01/06/2021 11:21

He probably just thinks that its completely ridiculous that you haven't given up before now, and are making such a song and dance about it. I mean, who smokes these days, especially that much? Nobody in normal society, surely?

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 01/06/2021 11:34

Well, about fifteen percent of the UK population are smokers: I should say at least some of that number operates within 'normal society', whatever the fuck that is.

Melitza · 01/06/2021 11:57

Your dh should quit smoking too.
It’s not good for dc to be near smokers even if they smoke elsewhere.

honeygirlz · 01/06/2021 12:02

YANBU, he is thoughtless to leave cigarettes around and a quick hug would have been nice.

I'm very much a get on with it, no nonsense type of person who doesn't like a fuss and I've never smoked, but even I can see that it going cold turkey must be a huge change and being able to hug someone would help so much.

PaperbackRider · 01/06/2021 12:07

Oh he's a smoker too? Missed that. He's a tit then, who should also have stopped long ago.
BTW, smoking is not considered a mental illness. Don't be so daft. It's very very stupid, but you can't call it a mental illness.

Lemmeout · 01/06/2021 12:08

Along time ago someone told me not to put all my eggs in one basket. At the time I rolled my eyes. I get it now, I am passing it on to you. It is healthy to get support from a wide variety of people. It's not really fair to expect anyone to be your everything. He might be thinking it’s best not to ask in case he reminds you about smoking. Consoling yourself is a life skill too.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and keeping up the no smoking so far.

Original poster

nerihasme1 · 01/06/2021 12:40

@PaperbackRider

Oh he's a smoker too? Missed that. He's a tit then, who should also have stopped long ago. BTW, smoking is not considered a mental illness. Don't be so daft. It's very very stupid, but you can't call it a mental illness.

I have a first class degree in Psychology, I can assure you that addiction is indeed considered a mental illness.

OP posts:

Original poster

nerihasme1 · 01/06/2021 12:41

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

That's fair enough. I'm approaching 100 days sober and know how important avoiding triggers in the early days, is. Good luck.

Congratulations @LobotomisedIceSkatingFan :) and thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

nerihasme1 · 01/06/2021 12:43

Thank you all for your responses, and especially the encouragement 😊

OP posts:

PaperbackRider · 01/06/2021 12:52

I have a first class degree in Psychology, I can assure you that addiction is indeed considered a mental illness

So do I petal, and higher, and I can assure you that SOME addictions can be considered a mental illness. Smoking, not so much. If you think that all smokers are mentally ill, you should hand back your diploma.
They aren't mentally ill, they're just idiots.

LittleOwl153 · 01/06/2021 12:55

He needs to grow up and accept responsibility for this baby. Tell him he needs to stop smoking in the house, stop bringing his cigarettes into the house, get the house nice and smoke free for the baby. Do not let him smoke anywhere near you or the baby went it arrives.

He's a bloke and sadly whilst that shouldnt be an excuse it likely will be. Its also likely that he thinks that if you succeed then he will be put under pressure to give up as well (Which he should be with a baby in the house!)

Your system is being thrown completely upside down - with the hormones of pregnancy as well as giving up the smoking - give yourself a break - you are doing really really well!

Whyhello · 01/06/2021 12:57

I’m not entirely sure what you expect from him. Well done for quitting smoking, you have done the right thing for both yourself and your baby. Do you want him to regularly pat you on the back? Ask how you’re coping every 2 minutes?

MMMMMaria · 01/06/2021 12:57

Well done, it is so hard to do! Hormones are probably not helping either! I did it years ago with the help of acupuncture. Not something I’ve done before or since but was desperate to try anything. I had the type where they stick tiny tiny things in your putter ear and you leave them in for up to a week. And you press them when you are feeling any urges/ emotions etc. Amazingly it worked. Got me through the first week. It’s tough but so worth it.

Perhaps your DP isn’t as supportive because he’s afraid he should be quitting too (he should) and doesn’t want to/feels he can’t. So the guilt/shame/discomfort will mean he isn’t as supportive as you’d like.

Ask your GP for help with quitting. Some will pay for acupuncture etc. And even though you aren’t telling people you are pregnant couldn’t you say that your post lockdown resolution is to quit smoking? That way you can ask for support from others.

Good luck and keep with it. One of the hardest things in the world but will have such a positive impact on you.

NeedNewKnees · 01/06/2021 12:58

Best of luck in your life nas a non-smoker, OP!

YABU, but you can't really help it. Withdrawl and breaking additcion is an absolute bitch, and everyone goes a bit mad while they go through it. Add pregnancy hormones into the mix... you're bound to be a bit unreasonable.

Chamomileteaplease · 01/06/2021 13:01

You should have said in your first post that your partner is still smoking. What an arse!!

No wonder he isn't supportive! He is obviously embarrassed and ashamed because he knows what an absolute pig he is being. How can you bear to look at him??

wildeverose · 01/06/2021 14:00

Smoking is absolutely not a mental illness - not even close

LemonDrizzles · 01/06/2021 17:33

Hi OP, you are starting a tough journey, congratulations for taking the first step.

My suggestion(which you do not have to do) is sit back and ask yourself ideally, how would you like dp to respond and what specifically would you like dp to say to you to support you on your journey. Next, tell him. Spell it out. Keep it brief, try to be open with how he interprets it.

You may want support in a specific way but unless dp had always been supportive like the way you are imagining in your head dp needs to be, you may find some gaps in what you are receiving at the moment.

All the best

AndroidsAliensAndWizards · 01/06/2021 21:18

Someone mentioned the Alan Carr book. I quit my 40+ chain smoking habit cold turkey with this book (I used the audio book) and after many failed attempts with patches, gum and vaping and feeling like shit, it really was a piece of cake with this book.

A couple of times my husband will say well done and I feel like a fraud because it wasn't hard. I'm finding it much much harder to give up caffeine to be honest. I'd check out the audiobook on audible and it might help flip your thought process around cravings and withdrawals and make you need less reassurance and hand holding from your dp.

Is your husband planning on holding his newborn baby covered in cigarette smoke and all the nasties that contains? That's what I'd not be happy about, even if he only smoked outside it stays on the clothes for a long time and I wouldn't a baby breathing his shit in so I'd want him to quit too so he can do his share of the more physical aspects of parenting a baby. I don't think parents who smoke are twats btw but while the baby needs their mouth and nose so physically close to the parent's clothes while being held and fed and nursed etc I think it's gross in smoky clothes and he should want to reduce the health risks to his baby.

Lavender201 · 01/06/2021 21:26

Well done OP!

Your partner really needs to quit smoking too. Second hand smoke is very harmful for baby. I hope he doesn’t smoke in the house...? Trying showing him the Lullaby Trust website, and the fact that 60% of sudden infant deaths (SIDS) can be linked to smoking. Could he move on e-cigarettes/vaping?

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