Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my daughter to go to this house?

51 replies

Babyshadows · 30/05/2021 23:14

My daughter is 10 and has recently made a new friend and I'm struggling with how to manage this. This friend is actually lovely but her home life is far from ideal, school are aware and lots of involvement as an aside. But a few of the things:
Very dirty/ smelly :-( house very chaotic/ dirty
No supervision, goes wherever she wants and parents are ok with this, we live in the city
Mum is nice but dad very shouty/ seems drunk when I went?
Access to Internet with no boundaries, uses chat rooms where men have tried to in her words "chat her up"
Always late to school, walks herself, never seen a parent pick her up/ take her
Lives in a "troubled" estate, lots of antisocial behaviour
Knows about porn, i can't work out if this is from school or not

There are other things but these are the main things l that really concern me, I've emailed school about the chatrooms, as I find this so worrying!

I have let this girl come to our house and I take them to the park so they can play but they are heavily supervised but now I'm getting pushback about wanting to go to her friends house and the mum has invited my daughter for a sleepover. I don't know how to approach this as my daughter does stay over other people's houses I just feel very unhappy about this particular house.

Don't get me wrong, we are not perfect, our house can get messy, we eat shit ect but this is next level and I'm struggling with how to handle it!

OP posts:
Love51 · 30/05/2021 23:17

Speak to your daughter. She may relish the extra freedom, but explain that you don't trust her mum so she can't go. You're the parent, she's only 10. You need to safeguard her and trust your instincts.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 30/05/2021 23:19

Access to internet with no boundaries- no i would not my DD go there.

Your DD is old enough to understand your decision for a no if you explain about the internet being unsupervised and how there would be nothing in place to keep her safe.

SummerWhisper · 30/05/2021 23:20

Red flag re: knows about porn. How do you know what she knows?

CricketsBats · 30/05/2021 23:22

Absolutely not to the sleepover. You'd be mad. Follow your gut! Make up an excuse about your daughter not sleeping well and invite the other girl to yours.

Luckingfovely · 30/05/2021 23:25

Just say no. You're the adult here, and responsible for her well-being. Don't worry about upsetting anyone else's feelings. The only thing you need to worry about is keeping your child safe.

Lavender201 · 30/05/2021 23:26

Do not let her go to the house.

Have a conversation with your daughter, to explain why you do not trust her friends parents with her care. Explain that this is private (I.e. she shouldn’t retell it to her friend). But make it clear that that’s the final decision, no wiggle room.

Something simple like “Xs parents let her walk to school by herself and walk around town by herself/use internet unsupervised, and as you’re only 10 I think this is too young, so I’m not happy with you going there.” “I don’t know her parents well enough. She is always welcome here.”

Original poster
Babyshadows · 30/05/2021 23:27

So the porn thing came from this friend asking my daughter if she'd seen it because a boy from school had apparently been talking about it!!! My daughter had no clue what she was on about!

My husband thought that maybe I should let her go play in the afternoon so she could see for herself that it isn't the best place to be, but I think children don't always recognise when they are in a tricky situation (obviously) and I don't want her to go. It's hard because the street we live in she isn't able to play out as its busy but her friend lives on a smaller street where they can play so I think she wants that aswell!

I wish she was 4 again...

OP posts:
wherewildflowersgrow · 30/05/2021 23:31

I'd let her out a little-or how will she get to secondary next year? Some practice is best. But no way would one of mine to to that house.

WetWeekends · 30/05/2021 23:31

As a PP said follow your gut. The friend can come to yours but no way is your daughter going to be in a safe situation at the friends house.

PixieDust28 · 30/05/2021 23:34

I wouldn't let my child go there, no.

The poor young girl Sad.

Original poster
Babyshadows · 30/05/2021 23:35

@wherewildflowersgrow

I'd let her out a little-or how will she get to secondary next year? Some practice is best. But no way would one of mine to to that house.
There's no where to let her out really! I do let her play at the park next to school for half an hour and she can walk home and she is also allowed to the local shop 5 mins away. But we live on a main road so there isn't really anywhere safe that she can play unfortunately!
OP posts:
Original poster
Babyshadows · 30/05/2021 23:37

Also thanks for the advice, I didn't feel like I was being too protective it's just an awkward thing to navigate. I like her friend, she's funny and good with our baby. I'm happy to have her here where I can supervise and I'm going to stick to that!

OP posts:
DiscordandRhyme · 30/05/2021 23:44

When I was 10/11 I'd go to a friends house where her Mum was rarely there or in bed. We had to sort ourselves out for food and her little sister who was 5 or 6. Dishes were never done, floor was dirty etc.

Spent Halloween at theirs taking little sister trick or treating then after she went to bed watching a load of horror movies.

No idea where her Mum was. I liked having the freedom (though not the living situation) but I never at that age considered how dangerous the situation was.

We could walk around on our own, front door wasn't locked etc so anyone could've harmed us.

Luckily I'm 31 and when this took place her family didn't have a computer otherwise I imagine it would've been a disaster waiting to happen.

Sometimes you have to make safety decisions on behalf of your children. It's not like the friend can't visit you or meet up with your DD at the park.

Poor girl though.

BigHeadBertha · 30/05/2021 23:48

I wouldn't even consider allowing my ten-year-old child to go to a home that's got red flags all over it and would also steer her toward friends who are a positive influence.

There will always be troubled - and troubling- peers around but the cost of considering them too much can be very high for your daughter, who is, after all, the child who is your main priority and responsibility. Ten is not old enough to know how to navigate adult type situations herself so she shouldn't be put in that position.

If there's not too much to do in your immediate area, why not see if you can find some productive and positive activities to sign her up in. Libraries, churches, and so on might have low cost, wholesome activities for her to enjoy and make new friends at.

TableFlowerss · 30/05/2021 23:51

Absolutely not OP. Definitely don’t let DD go. That poor child.

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 23:54

That poor girl.

No way would my DD be spending much/any time there, let alone staying over. You need to protect her.

Lollypop4 · 30/05/2021 23:56

I would'nt let my DC go and I'd tell your DD why

Summerfun54321 · 31/05/2021 00:05

Your main job as a parent is to keep your child safe. Why even contemplate allowing her to go somewhere you feel isn’t safe?

katy1213 · 31/05/2021 00:06

No, and I'd be driving a wedge into that friendship. You won't be wanting this child on the scene when they're 12 or 13. Sad for the other girl, no doubt, but your responsibility is your daughter.

IgglePiggleHater · 31/05/2021 00:09

I think you need to remember that you don't have to be anyone's friend... your job is to safeguard your DD. So be the "difficult" parent who doesn't let your child go. You don't have to give any reasons to this girl/her mum. And just tell your DD that you don't know the parents well enough.

Friendofdennis · 31/05/2021 00:15

I did a placement at a local authority child sexual abuse therapy unit in a small UK city. I don’t want to frighten you but I was horrified to find out how common sexual abuse of children is. The amount of children who had been abused by the relatives of friends or a half brother etc was shocking. Allowing a sleepover no way. Look up the Wonderland sexual abuse ring which happened when children who were sleeping over at a friends house were abused to order by the father in the house in front of a web cam. Perhaps this family is ok but I wouldn’t take the risk

toocold54 · 31/05/2021 00:41

This is really tricky!
I think I would blame Covid for now and say you don’t want sleepovers as you don’t want to risk getting a positive test result and have to isolate etc.
I’m my sure what excuse you can give after Covid though as you don’t want your DD knowing how you feel.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/05/2021 00:46

I think it’s time for a grown up chat with your DD

Good bloody luck ! I think you sound kind and are not discouraging anything

But no I wouldn’t allow it either

ThursdayWeld · 31/05/2021 00:51

There are red flags all over this. Your DH is being naive if he thinks a 10 year old is capable of spotting them.

IWishIWasABaller · 31/05/2021 00:52

We have a similar situation here with one of my daughters and her friend. I was honest with my daughter about the situation and explained it the best I could to her. Her friend now comes to us for playdates but my daughter doesn't go to her house . They are happy with that arrangement so far thankfully as I couldn't risk my child's safety by letting her go to their house unsupervised

Swipe left for the next trending thread