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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my daughter to go to this house?

51 replies

Babyshadows · 30/05/2021 23:14

My daughter is 10 and has recently made a new friend and I'm struggling with how to manage this. This friend is actually lovely but her home life is far from ideal, school are aware and lots of involvement as an aside. But a few of the things:
Very dirty/ smelly :-( house very chaotic/ dirty
No supervision, goes wherever she wants and parents are ok with this, we live in the city
Mum is nice but dad very shouty/ seems drunk when I went?
Access to Internet with no boundaries, uses chat rooms where men have tried to in her words "chat her up"
Always late to school, walks herself, never seen a parent pick her up/ take her
Lives in a "troubled" estate, lots of antisocial behaviour
Knows about porn, i can't work out if this is from school or not

There are other things but these are the main things l that really concern me, I've emailed school about the chatrooms, as I find this so worrying!

I have let this girl come to our house and I take them to the park so they can play but they are heavily supervised but now I'm getting pushback about wanting to go to her friends house and the mum has invited my daughter for a sleepover. I don't know how to approach this as my daughter does stay over other people's houses I just feel very unhappy about this particular house.

Don't get me wrong, we are not perfect, our house can get messy, we eat shit ect but this is next level and I'm struggling with how to handle it!

OP posts:
OhRene · 31/05/2021 01:07

Perfectly acceptable to not allow your child to their house. My own DD's best friend of most her life (playgroup to teen) has parents who have to go to the chemist daily for their methadone and the people I have seen going in and out of their house are known dealers and junkies.
That said, they're fantastic parents to that kid. They dote on her and she is a lovely, well raised child, despite their circumstances. I just didn't like DD going there when she was a youngster.

Our situation sounds a bit different though. We have a family with a terrible home life but a well raised child who has boundaries and is unlikely to lead DD astray. The child you're concerned about, OP, I would be less inclined to let my DD play with her at all in case she is exposed to something she really, really shouldn't be. I know it's not fair on the child in question but I would be very concerned about my own child first.

Original poster
Babyshadows · 31/05/2021 01:22

I think it's abit of panic that she's wanting to expand her life (lol) and trying to balance between some freedom so she doesn't rebel but also keeping her safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyshadows · 31/05/2021 01:24

@DiscordandRhyme

When I was 10/11 I'd go to a friends house where her Mum was rarely there or in bed. We had to sort ourselves out for food and her little sister who was 5 or 6. Dishes were never done, floor was dirty etc.

Spent Halloween at theirs taking little sister trick or treating then after she went to bed watching a load of horror movies.

No idea where her Mum was. I liked having the freedom (though not the living situation) but I never at that age considered how dangerous the situation was.

We could walk around on our own, front door wasn't locked etc so anyone could've harmed us.

Luckily I'm 31 and when this took place her family didn't have a computer otherwise I imagine it would've been a disaster waiting to happen.

Sometimes you have to make safety decisions on behalf of your children. It's not like the friend can't visit you or meet up with your DD at the park.

Poor girl though.

This is the kind of thing I worry about. I think homes like this can seem really exciting to children but because they don't see the danger which makes me more determined that its best to not let her go there!
OP posts:
Original poster
Babyshadows · 31/05/2021 01:26

@Friendofdennis

I did a placement at a local authority child sexual abuse therapy unit in a small UK city. I don’t want to frighten you but I was horrified to find out how common sexual abuse of children is. The amount of children who had been abused by the relatives of friends or a half brother etc was shocking. Allowing a sleepover no way. Look up the Wonderland sexual abuse ring which happened when children who were sleeping over at a friends house were abused to order by the father in the house in front of a web cam. Perhaps this family is ok but I wouldn’t take the risk
I followed this case quite closely at the time, and whilst there's not any specific concern of sexual abuse right now it is something that's in the back of my mind!
OP posts:
Gothichouse40 · 31/05/2021 01:31

No way would my child be going there. Im very uneasy with the porn comment. If they are in a house with internet available but no adult supervision, God knows what they'd be watching. I just don't like the sound of this.

Susannahmoody · 31/05/2021 01:51

What a pp said I'd be brutally honest and say you don't trust the dad and the house isn't safe. I'd invite the other girl over anytime though.

Will they attend secondary together?

Original poster
Babyshadows · 31/05/2021 01:56

It was alot easier when "porn" was just page 3 and similar!! Scares me what can be accessed in just a few clicks. I wasn't expecting this age 10 to be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyshadows · 31/05/2021 01:57

@Susannahmoody

What a pp said I'd be brutally honest and say you don't trust the dad and the house isn't safe. I'd invite the other girl over anytime though.

Will they attend secondary together?

I'm not sure, we are in the city and there are quite a few in catchment so it depends really, I hope not and that it'll fizzle out naturally though.
OP posts:
WalkthisWayUK · 31/05/2021 01:59

Don’t put this on your daughter, be the parent and be protective. It’s absolutely what I would do. Tell her that sorry it’s your decision but her friend’s family home has too many different rules. Then go through with her how to chat to her friend so that she can negotiate that tricky thing of not making her friend feel rubbish. Say that it might be better to tell a white lie and say that her mother (you) just likes her at home, and doens’t like her to go sleep overs. Tell her to blame it all on you, which is basically the truth however saying why might hurt her feelings.

But no way on earth would I let a child go anywhere I thought was in any way not great for them.

WalkthisWayUK · 31/05/2021 02:04

As an aside, I’d also welcome the child to my home anytime, and keep an eye out for her. It is quite scary that a child might be at risk in her home and I would be having a chat with her about internet safety myself, with your own child so it looks like you are just casually saying it to both of them. Also mention not keeping secrets, mention things never chatting to anyone online and give them both child lines number.

You could, in a sidesways way give this other child a link to better protection to herself.

Donitta · 31/05/2021 02:21

I would not let my child go there, it sounds unsafe. It’s sad for the poor girl but you need to protect your own child and steer her towards safer friends.

FortunesFave · 31/05/2021 02:56

Just keep saying no. Tell your DD why. She is old enough at ten to learn about neglect and alcohol abuse.

No point shying away from it.

NameyNameyNameChangey · 31/05/2021 03:07

Way too many red flags.
Just say no, you don't need an excuse/reason.
The other girl sounds very vulnerable. If she is otherwise a good friend, encourage the friendship but only at your house.

1forAll74 · 31/05/2021 03:07

If you allow this girl to spend some time at your home with your daughter,and have some general little conversations with her,maybe you will get some idea of what she likes,and talks about etc. But would not allow your daughter to sleep over at her friends house.

Sophiethegiraffe1 · 31/05/2021 03:12

@CricketsBats

Absolutely not to the sleepover. You'd be mad. Follow your gut! Make up an excuse about your daughter not sleeping well and invite the other girl to yours.
I think this is good advice. You can always say she has a viral tummy bug she doesn’t want to spread it
SengaMac · 31/05/2021 03:17

Your daughter must be aware of some of the different rules. So you can explain that you just don't want her to stay there as things are so different from the rules you want for her.
You could say something similar to the mother, if she keeps pressing you. If she gets offended, too bad. You'd only be speaking the truth.

(I don't see the point in making false excuses, in most situations. They usually add complication.)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/05/2021 03:19

This would be a big fat no from me too. And I would be explaining to DD the lack of safeguarding, but not all of the possible dangers of staying there, as she's a bit too young just yet - if she's still friends with this child in a couple more years, I'd be expanding on the red flags though.

I'm not a big fan of sleepovers anyway, but if I were to allow my boys to do one, I'd make sure I knew as much as possible about the parents and their home, and if I didn't like it, it wouldn't happen.

SengaMac · 31/05/2021 03:20

Sophie you really think the girl wouldn't find out from her friend that there was no tummy bug?
And then what about the next time?

mathanxiety · 31/05/2021 03:38

I wouldn't let her go. It's perfectly reasonable to give the mum an excuse - not sleeping well away from home is fine, or sleepwalking, etc.

I would allow the girl to be friends with your DD, in your own home. It might be really nice for her.

If you haven't yet discussed teen stuff, development, etc with your DD, now is the time. I recommend an American Girl book ' The Care and Keeping of You', for a girl your DD's age. There are some other books in that series about topics that come up in the tween and teen years. You need to talk to her about porn and about things that go on in dysfunctional homes, and about the damage that can be done.

I would try to find out what boy in school mentioned the porn and notify the school.

Xx1d1xX · 31/05/2021 04:37

I think you need to speak to your daughter directly about your decision making around these scenarios and what you take into consideration when making these decisions each and every time ie her safety, your assessment of other friends house rules and general gut feeling about other households. She needs to know when you are saying no it's for good reason and her understanding of this will build trust between you from the get go. Be honest with her using age appropriate language about the concerns in this case. This will not be the first or last time she asks about going to someone else's house or inappropriate area and if she knows what your level of expectation of the environment is then she is likely to respect your decisions and abide by them now and as she gets older.

She is at an age where a discussion about her own awareness around personal safety will be useful albeit she's not yet old enough to be responsible for this. She is naturally seeking to become more independent and you need to find ways to allow her to do this safely within your own vicinity to stop this pull to other places becoming more appealing. Agree small ways to give her more freedom, ie going for a walk in the area/to the park with friends and being back to check in within certain times etc. Extend these times as she builds trust in returning at agreed timescales. Practice taking her out and teaching her road safety if you have main roads nearby. I know it's scary to do as I also have a daughter at a similar age but it will help them now and as they grow.

I am certainly still figuring it out as I go as well but the above has been helping me in these situations.

Harriedharriet · 31/05/2021 05:15

With our 10 year old we have made that decision a few times. We always say to the children that if we do not know the family then they cannot sleep over. "Knowing" is not an "hello/goodbye" either.
Your dd can simply day "dm says no. I wish she wouldn't".

OhSayWhat · 31/05/2021 06:54

Just say no. Your family rules are different to theirs and you don’t know the parents, so no.

Your DH is being weak by expecting your child to detect danger for herself and manage saying no to the friend on her own. He needs to take a look at himself.

Bluntness100 · 31/05/2021 07:02

I’d not let her go. But be very careful here, don’t say anything detrimental, Ie I don’t trust the mum or it’s dirty etc. Because kids have a habit of talking and she could let it slip out to her friend and then you’d have warfare on your hands if the kid tells her parents.

You need to think of another reason, something like I love your friend Stacey, but worry about you playing out alone, so yes, maybe when you’re a little older.

joystir59 · 31/05/2021 07:12

I'd let her go for a couple of hours in the daytime but I wouldn't let my child have sleepovers at all anywhere until much older.

InTheDrunkTank · 31/05/2021 07:38

No I wouldn't let my DD go. It's massively unfair to expect a 10 year old to be able to cope with that situation. I'd have the other girl round to your house, take them out for the day etc. but DD doesn't go over there. (I'm usually on the side of giving DC's independence especially in the run up to secondary school but this is too unsafe and she might be exposed to unsafe older kids or adults and a 10 year old can't be expected to extricate themselves from that kind of risky situation).