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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really upset at being told I'm being harmful and treating my autistic child like she is disgusting because..

80 replies

Frustratedmum2021 · 30/05/2021 20:14

At 6.5 I haven't told her yet she is Autistic.

Just been absolutely attacked by multiple people because apparantly I am.

Apparantly I am refusing to support her, I'm depriving her of an important part of her identity, it must be because I see her as disgusting and that keeping her identity a secret is abusive.

I'm so upset.

She is 6.5, she hasn't yet got the awareness of understanding. Since her diagnosis absolutely everything has gone into understanding and supporting her needs. It isnt a secret at all, she just has not got the awareness yet.

AIBU to have not told her yet? And does it really make me awful if I haven't?

I feel like the "actually autistic" community that attacked me on this haven't really understood that not all autistic people have the same abilities :(

OP posts:

3cats2kids · 30/05/2021 20:20

Ignore them. You are her mum, you know her best and can tell her when she is ready.

You might find the SEN boards on here a bit more understanding than the actually autistic brigade on Twitter.

elliejjtiny · 30/05/2021 20:20

Yanbu. I have a nearly 7 year old son who has autism. If I told him he had autism he would ignore me, hum to himself or leap into my lap and lick my face. I find some adults with autism are only aware of their own type of autism and can't understand that other people may be affected differently.

Bookworm19 · 30/05/2021 20:22

No, you know her best. You know when she will be ready to understand it. My son is 4 and diagnosed ASD. He also doesn't yet have the capacity to understand he's 'different' to others, let alone understand what autism is.

You sound a wonderful mother who is trying to meet the needs of her daughter that is appropriate for now. As she gets older and her understanding develops, you'll be the best person to know when she's ready.

Bookworm19 · 30/05/2021 20:23

Sorry, I should rephrase that sentence ton say different to neurodiverse peers.

Peppapeg · 30/05/2021 20:25

She has autism, it does not define her. You know your daughter best, when the time is right I am sure you will talk about it as much as she needs. Having the correct support in place is more important in my opinion, and you are doing that.

Wbeezer · 30/05/2021 20:29

My DS was 11 when he was diagnosed and is high functioning so obviously he was aware of his dx from the start but we told him, he understood and then has not really felt the need to talk about it, i dont think he's told anyone at uni! He's not ashamed just doesn't want to be pre judged. People are still individuals with different needs even if they have ASD, not a "tribe" with rules.

SionnachRua · 30/05/2021 20:32

The "actually autistic" online community isn't all that inclusive of other autistic people imo. As for respecting struggles of some parents, siblings and partners, forget it.

Pay them no mind, they might have the same diagnosis but they don't actually know your kid.

Byge · 30/05/2021 20:34

I can't remember when I was told about my autism but I'm pretty sure it was older I don't think I'd of understood the concept at 6. You're supporting her needs and that's the important thing. Ignore the social media rabble.

EvilPea · 30/05/2021 20:35

Whoever has told you that is clearly wrong, they are terrible words to use and have obviously been said by someone incredibly insensitive.

However, dd started secondary this year and there’s a child in her class that gets extra support, and he sits there completely clueless about why he gets it. Whilst the rest of the class have sussed it (although they are diagnosing all sorts).

So whilst you know what’s right by your daughter, please don’t let her be that kid.

purpledagger · 30/05/2021 20:40

Don't listen to anyone else, do what feel right for your family.

I didn't tell my DS he had dyslexia initially, I just told him that he learned differently. Gradually, we introduced the word dyslexia. It wasn't a conscious decision, it was that we were told verbally, but then it took 6 months to get the written confirmation and I didn't want to tell him until I read the report. I'm glad we told him gradually as it gave him time to slowly take it all in.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/05/2021 20:41

I don't think any 6 year old truly has the capacity to understand an explanation of autism. My DS's school had a "wear blue for autism awareness" day, and they were all extremely vague at the end of the day what any of it was about.

Ignore the critics, maybe let your DS watch Pablo or read the odd book about how everyone is different...prepare the ground for her to understand it in the future.

Original poster

Frustratedmum2021 · 30/05/2021 20:43

Thank you. It genuinely feels a bit like I've lost my marbles over it all. The comments were all very much over assuming her ability by a mile and that she couldn't possibly not understand because they all do. This is a child who at 6.5 doesn't yet know her full name.

So upset by how vicious it all was. All I said was that at 6.5 she hasn't got the awareness or understanding but it isn't a secret and as her understanding grows she will be told then.

@evilpea she will most likely be in SEN schools for the rest of her school life so wouldn't be in that position.

OP posts:

Nyfluff · 30/05/2021 20:43

I'd guess this is about them and not. Many autistic ppl grew up feeling isolated and even suicidal because they couldn't understand what was wrong and why they were different. These hurt people may just be reacting from their own pain and not being able to see the nuance or the affect it'd have on you. Don't take the comments personally, you know your DD. Be aware that she may already feel different and confused, and just not be able to verbalize it. Look out for low self esteem.

NameChange456789 · 30/05/2021 20:43

As difficult as it is just try to ignore them. My DC is 6.5 and Autistic and I haven't told them that they are Autistic either, not because I'm trying to hide it from them, but because they wouldn't understand at the moment.

HappyPumpkin81 · 30/05/2021 20:45

I don’t think you are awful for not telling her. However I would be worried that she finds out from someone else, for example, overhearing a teacher talking about her at school, or an older cousin telling her. In addition, if you tell her now, while she might not understand all the implications of it, it will be something she has always known about herself. I worry about the impact of a big ‘reveal’ when children get older. If she were adopted, or had dyslexia would you be waiting for the right time to tell her, or would you have already started talking to her about it?

Ted27 · 30/05/2021 20:47

I didn't tell my son until he was 11, just before he left primary school.

I adopted him at age 8, he was in special school, understood there were other types of schools, but along with many other things in his life didnt question it and just accepted this was his life.
It took me a long time to tell him,at least a year.We started having conversations about difference and how some children needed a bit of extra help, like us both wearing glasses because that helped us read and learn. But everytime I was on the cusp of introducing the A word he was distracted. We got there in the end. I think it was helpful to take a gradual approach, though I wish it hadn't taken a year !

I agree with evilpea about them knowing before secondary. My son went to aspecial primary and a small very nurturing mainstream. He was going to mainstream
secondary and really needed to understand why he was different.

AlfonsoTheMango · 30/05/2021 20:51

@Frustratedmum2021

So upset by how vicious it all was. All I said was that at 6.5 she hasn't got the awareness or understanding but it isn't a secret and as her understanding grows she will be told then.

@evilpea she will most likely be in SEN schools for the rest of her school life so wouldn't be in that position.

Sorry to hear that, @Frustratedmum2021. You know your daughter and what she is capable of understanding. I think your approach sounds good and I wish you both all the best.

baldafrique · 30/05/2021 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

blissfulllife · 30/05/2021 20:51

Mom to an ASD 12 year old. Diagnosed aged 8. She wasn't able to understand her diagnosis then. It took till she was ten. We dropped it into conversations with her where we could but it's hard as she's very rigid in what she's prepared to actually talk about. It was when she herself started to notice differences between her and her peers that we gently explained ASD to her. She then started looking into it in depth herself.

You know your child better than anyone else and will know when the time is right.

Best of luck x

Definately · 30/05/2021 20:51

There seems to be this very loud core group of people (a lot of them seem to be parents of children with ASD) who go on and on about how ASD is a superpower and won't hear a word about how any other parent or child is struggling. Seems to make it difficult for other people to access support then which is such a shame.

hilarymantlepiece · 30/05/2021 20:53

Sorry darling (that sounds patronising, not meant to be, it’s a virtual hug and I get you). At 6.5, she really doesn’t need to @know@. She is who she is.
❤️

Sarahandco · 30/05/2021 20:58

I think you are doing the right thing!

romdowa · 30/05/2021 21:01

You know your child and what she will comprehend. If you feel she is too young to understand then there is just no point. Maybe when/if she ever starts asking questions about her differences might be the best time but if she doesn't notice them at the moment why point it out?

TruJay · 30/05/2021 21:01

My dd is 8 this year and she doesn’t know. She wouldn’t even grasp what I was saying, it isn’t a secret but she’s certainly not at a stage to understand what being autistic even means.
She also has learning disabilities amongst other things so she’s several years behind her peers.
I’ve spent most of the day playing in the garden with her trying to stop her eating leaves and grass, licking the bricks of the house and drinking rainwater from stuff it’s collected in.
I’ll decide when is the right time to tell her about her diagnoses. Every single autistic person is different so no one can comment on when each individual should be told or how.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 30/05/2021 21:02

My health visitor told me (a long time ago now!) that "if it's not a problem for your family, it is not a problem".

She said the best thing to do with unsolicited parenting advice is to say "oh, thanks, interesting" and ignore it.

She was right.

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