To be really upset at being told I'm being harmful and treating my autistic child like she is disgusting because..

[Frustratedmum2021]

At 6.5 I haven't told her yet she is Autistic.

Just been absolutely attacked by multiple people because apparantly I am.

Apparantly I am refusing to support her, I'm depriving her of an important part of her identity, it must be because I see her as disgusting and that keeping her identity a secret is abusive.

I'm so upset.

She is 6.5, she hasn't yet got the awareness of understanding. Since her diagnosis absolutely everything has gone into understanding and supporting her needs. It isnt a secret at all, she just has not got the awareness yet.

AIBU to have not told her yet? And does it really make me awful if I haven't?

I feel like the "actually autistic" community that attacked me on this haven't really understood that not all autistic people have the same abilities :(

Feeling that I have to point out I've met a shitload of neurotypical people who are unable to see outside their own experience too.

Personally I like the ActuallyAutistic community but then I pick and choose which bits I engage with - just like you would with real life people as well. In all walks of life there are super people and twats. And we've all seen a post on Mumsnet turn into a pile on, and then the next day a similar post have a completely different response. The internet can be very random for support and advice.

There are some people in the autistic community who think that any parent actually trying to help their child is being abusive and trying to turn them into neurotypical children.

That’s one thing if you’re trying to force your child to mask and make eye contact. It’s quite another if you’re trying to support your child to learn fundamental skills like communication, independence etc.

None of the people saying this are unable to communicate or understand, reliant on nappies, have no chance of living independently etc. And they are probably coming from a place of being parented poorly themselves and have some trauma from that.

That said, I’ve never encountered another condition where parents are spoken about this way, or where parents must not express sadness about things being difficult or having a child that’s unlikely to live independently. It’s deeply unpleasant.

'If you want me to be honest I'll start by telling you you're a nosey cunt who can fuck off, or do you want me to list what I think you're doing wrong with your children/life?'

Ignore them.

I'm part of the actually autistic crowd.

There's a huge difference between not telling someone that they're autistic because you are (secretly) a bit embarrassed about it and hoping that it'll fade away if you don't draw attention to it, and not telling someone that they're autistic because you don't think they've got the capacity to understand.

It sounds like you are one of the latter people, and it's entirely your call. You're not hiding anything from your daughter - if you tell her something like that and she partially understands it, it could cause her anxiety, and no one wants that.

All this stuff about how autism doesn't define us is rubbish though - it cannot be separated from us like a set of clothes. It's literally how our brains are wired so if we weren't autistic we would be entirely different people.

You carry on doing what you're doing mama. Life as the parent of autistic kids is full of other people shouting that they know best. Sometimes they do, but in this, they're wrong.