To be really upset at being told I'm being harmful and treating my autistic child like she is disgusting because..

[Frustratedmum2021]

At 6.5 I haven't told her yet she is Autistic.

Just been absolutely attacked by multiple people because apparantly I am.

Apparantly I am refusing to support her, I'm depriving her of an important part of her identity, it must be because I see her as disgusting and that keeping her identity a secret is abusive.

I'm so upset.

She is 6.5, she hasn't yet got the awareness of understanding. Since her diagnosis absolutely everything has gone into understanding and supporting her needs. It isnt a secret at all, she just has not got the awareness yet.

AIBU to have not told her yet? And does it really make me awful if I haven't?

I feel like the "actually autistic" community that attacked me on this haven't really understood that not all autistic people have the same abilities :(

@TruJay

My dd is 8 this year and she doesn’t know. She wouldn’t even grasp what I was saying, it isn’t a secret but she’s certainly not at a stage to understand what being autistic even means. She also has learning disabilities amongst other things so she’s several years behind her peers. I’ve spent most of the day playing in the garden with her trying to stop her eating leaves and grass, licking the bricks of the house and drinking rainwater from stuff it’s collected in. I’ll decide when is the right time to tell her about her diagnoses. Every single autistic person is different so no one can comment on when each individual should be told or how.

Thank you for the sensible comment about autistic people - it is rare to see one on MN and so it is much appreciated.

YANBU and you sound like a fantastic mum. You crack on exactly as you are.

I don't think you're disgusting for not telling her, but I also think the younger you tell her, the more it becomes something she's known about as far back as she can remember. The longer you wait, and the older she gets, the more of a shock it will be, and harder to process.

@Frustratedmum2021

It sounds like you are taking the right approach for your child

You are best placed to understand what she can understand. If she doesn't understand her full name she sure isnt going to understand autism.
Do what you need to do for her, other people really don't matter

My son is nine

When he was five I told him that the bits of the brain that govern social skills is filled with maths and extra intelligence instead and that over time it will balance itself out so he will make friends more easily etc

I’ve tried and he’s been given books etc but he couldn’t care less, he’s actually extremely Confident and self assured within himself and doesn’t need anything else right now

Read your child’s needs, you know her best after all x

offs. some people are twats op thus some autistic people are twats, some do twattish things. some twats identify as autistic when they are not. the world is made up of a variety of people with differing opinions.

all autistic people are different. you are her parent, you will know her abilities better than any twat on the internet.

being autistic is difficult and sometimes autistic people go a long way to make it easier to accept and deal with. and go a bit too far and forget that not everybody is like them or has the same opinion. see the autism is not a gift thread for lots of posts from autistic people and parents of autistic children to see examples of people who differ in opinion from those you encountered today.

@Frustratedmum2021

Thank you. It genuinely feels a bit like I've lost my marbles over it all. The comments were all very much over assuming her ability by a mile and that she couldn't possibly not understand because they all do. This is a child who at 6.5 doesn't yet know her full name.

So upset by how vicious it all was. All I said was that at 6.5 she hasn't got the awareness or understanding but it isn't a secret and as her understanding grows she will be told then.

@evilpea she will most likely be in SEN schools for the rest of her school life so wouldn't be in that position.

Unfortunately this is part of having autistic children: some autistic adults for whom your place will always be in the wrong and who will attack you whatever you do. My twins don’t know they’re autistic - they’re just starting to understand the word “cup”.

Yikes. I would definitely not share any more of your business with whatever group you're talking about. When you did not get any helpful advice or support but just attacked, who needs it. Sorry you were treated so poorly.

I was similarly roasted on MN a few years ago. It really shook my confidence and hurt because it’s so hard to know what to do for the best. Ds is 12 now and still hasn’t really grasped the concept of autism. With hindsight it might have been better to have brought him up with the word from an early age. I really don’t know.

I actually wasn’t really prepared for his lack of introspection, a huge neurotypical blind spot on my part! I just assumed he’d be as curious about himself as I was. But he doesn’t see himself as different - he sees other people as profoundly frustrating. He wants to know what’s wrong with them. I haven’t been able to find any resources that explain autism as anything other than deviations from a norm.

You have to start from where your child is at, and you’re the best placed person to judge that.

Does she necessarily need to be able to understand what it means in the way an adult can? (Does a 6 year old really understand anything the way an adult does?)

My only concern about not telling her and saving it up is that then you're turning it into this big "reveal" later on which might be much more of a destabilising shock and harder for her to understand.

Whereas if she grows up knowing and with her understanding of what it means growing as she does, it can be something that isn't a big deal to her.

Saving it up for some magic age to deliver the news turns it into a big deal that means she has to face all the soul-searching, acceptance stuff you'll have had years to come to terms with. I don't think keeping it a secret is abusive, but I do think it could make it harder for her to process and accept. For instance, teenagers are developmentally exploring their identity so to suddenly receive news like that challenging the sense of herself she's grown up with could be very destabilising at an already challenging time (if you waited until then).

Or she ends up feeling her childhood was a lie because you knew this about her but she didn't. You clearly don't intend harm but she may still feel that way about it.

It's also very easy to get stuck in a cycle of "not yet, not yet" and perpetually delaying it because it's become too hard to have the conversation.

It may be because a lot of autistic people struggle to understand others point of view. For them it was very important to know they were autistic to be able to understand the challenges they faced and so to them it's very important that your daughter also has that. I don't know how the conversation went but if you said she doesn't have the awareness they may think you're making excuses because it's quite a vague/woolly statement (even though it's true!) and because they themselves would have wanted to know and understand as young as possible. Explaining that she doesn't know her full name might have been better understood because it's a more concrete indicator of her level of understanding. Not that it is your job to explain yourself to them, I'm just explaining the situation.

Don't be upset, you've done nothing wrong. The intention was probably to help your daughter, as understanding why you are different can be a huge help to many people, but your situation was very misunderstood and it was very badly - and unfortunately very rudely - handled.

@BlackeyedSusan

offs. some people are twats op thus some autistic people are twats, some do twattish things. some twats identify as autistic when they are not. the world is made up of a variety of people with differing opinions.

all autistic people are different. you are her parent, you will know her abilities better than any twat on the internet.

being autistic is difficult and sometimes autistic people go a long way to make it easier to accept and deal with. and go a bit too far and forget that not everybody is like them or has the same opinion. see the autism is not a gift thread for lots of posts from autistic people and parents of autistic children to see examples of people who differ in opinion from those you encountered today.

Given as how it is estimated 2 to 3% of the population is autistic and a percentage - let's say 50% of that 2 to 3% has poor to non-existent language skills, the vast majority of idiots anyone comes across at any point in time are NTs.

But NTs never seem to acknowledge that, oddly enough.

My ds is 3 and has ASD, I just hoped over the years it would come to his consciousness naturally, in the same way I grew up knowing I had x condition. I was never sat down and told, it was just a part of life and who I was/am. I guess I'm hoping in the future if he has questions I can help him answer them as they come. But fuck knows how his development and understanding will progress, and if he'll ever be in the position to ask the questions.

I have found the ASD community online, can sometimes forget that not everyone/every child is the same and their questions might never be asked by others in the community.

My DS is 7.5 and we've only just started to drip-feed the word autism into his vocabulary. He absolutely didn't have the capacity to understand it earlier and we're only talking in very simple terms now. (E.g. His autism brain helps him remember stuff. But it's a very busy brain and that means he gets tired out.) That's literally all he can take in right now.

You know your child's capabilities, OP. You tell her on your timeline. You're her Mum, you know best. Everyone else can go fuck themselves. Xx

My DD has global developmental delay, she’s only now aged 10 gaining an awareness that she’s different to her peers and we talk about it in terms she can understand. To do so beforehand would have raised anxiety in her that she didn’t have the capacity to cope with but now it’s just part of her developing identity. She’s also adopted, and has always known that and again it’s openly discussed. Different issues, different levels of understand but always at her pace. I don’t give a damn whether other people, who don’t know her like I do, think I’m wrong.

You have to parent the child you have, in the way you think is best, and you sound like you’re doing an amazing job.

I was advised to tell my 5 year old son about his SN. So I did. He didn't understand what I was talking about. He repeated the words back to me (in his own way) but he hadn't a clue. I've explained it to his siblings though, and they understand and it helps with the sibling jealously as my SN son could be seen as getting special treatment when in reality we are just making allowances for his needs.

You know your child better than anyone else in the world and only your child will be the only one in the world with their exact needs. You are doing an amazing job, stick to those instincts of yours

It depends on your child but my 8yo was diagnosed at 5 and was able to understand in basic terms from then. And it means when he’s had additional help he knows and understands why. I’d prefer to tell them if they can understand.

@hatcoatscarfalcohol my plan is fully to drip feed it as and when opportunities arise so say for instance there is a social situation where something has potentially happened (whether that is her recognising/an incident/anything at all) to introduce it then but at the moment we are still working on basics. There is never any plan for it to be a big reveal, just drip fed as and when the appropriate times occur and when her understanding is there a bit more.

I think the AA people I came across have forgot not all autistic people are the same and their experiences don't speak for my child's :(

@GinAndTonicOnIt we have explained to her younger sibling that her brain is slightly different to ours. At 4 his understanding of his sister is better than her own and I can see when next to her brother that her understanding is far behind his.

I think you’ve explained it beautifully to your younger one @Frustratedmum2021 and you plan your the older one sound perfect for your child and your situation. It’s really annoying that the AA community are such a contradiction in terms in assuming that ALL ASD children are the same. I’d unfollow them .

@AlfonsoTheMango Given as how it is estimated 2 to 3% of the population is autistic it’s at least 10% most likely higher.

@SionnachRua

The "actually autistic" online community isn't all that inclusive of other autistic people imo. As for respecting struggles of some parents, siblings and partners, forget it.

Pay them no mind, they might have the same diagnosis but they don't actually know your kid.

Yes, many verbal autistic adults (who often weren't even diagnosed as children), who are capable of living independent lives, seem to think they speak for everyone with autism.

How is autism 'her identity?' They don't sound very nice people.

Stay away from whatever that forum is op!!

My ds is 11 in yr 6 at a SN school. He learnt the other day that he goes to a special school because I shouted it at some wanker who was blocking the school exit with his bastard car.

He hasn't found out before because he hasn't wanted to know or been able to understand.

He doesn't give a shit about his diagnosis but did (rightly) admonish me for swearing in front of him

for you.
Take no notice whatsoever.
You know your dd you know what's best for her.
Keep your head high and be confident in your beliefs.
They will be eating humble our before long.🌈