Is this my responsibility or is ExH UR?

[SuncreamProblem]

DD is 6, will be 7 at end of July.

She goes to ExH EOW for 1 night but due to circumstances (long story) he takes he to his parents so hasn’t had her overnight since August 2020 due to the restrictions. Last night was the first overnight since then.

DD has come back with horrendous sunburn. It’s still burning slightly 2 hours after she came home (got her back at 5.15pm). I’ve done a cool bath, after sun and calpol and she’s still in pain with it.

Messaged ExH to ask about suncream as it looks like he didn’t put any on “Yes I did put some on it was that bottle you gave me” he means the bottle I gave him in 2018 when the Child Arrangements Order was made and I only gave him because my solicitor advised me to give him a bottle so he knows what brand I use (DD has some skin issues which can be made worse by certain suncreams)

“You do know it goes out of date after a year?” I ask, he replies “No I didn’t, and mum didn’t either or we’d have got another bottle” it was all quiet for awhile and then he’s messaged back “Next time you think she needs it send a new bottle, you have to take some responsibility for her”

For context we split in 2017 due to his violence and control. He took me to court and wanted full residency but was granted EOW and 1 night for tea, though only have her EOW.

So AIBU to think ExH should of got a new bottle of suncream or is it my fault for not sending a new one? I sent her yesterday wearing it thinking he’d put more on.

Vote -
YABU - It is your fault and should of sent more
YANBU - It's ExHs fault for not knowing it goes out of date

Another one who uses out of date suncream all the time and am super pale. It works fine.

He clearly didn’t apply it soon enough, often enough or still kept her in the sun too long.

Whatever reason - it is not your fault!

@Cactusesi

I agree with Aunt Podder. I am very pale and often use out of date sun cream. It works. I suspect he didn't use the suncream at all. If he did, he certainly didn't apply it often enough.

Is it really horrendous sunburn if it has almost gone after 2 hours? But whether it is or not your daughter shouldn't be burnt at all. That happened on his watch and is his fault.

Your solicitor was a plank. Your Ex does not have to use your brand of sun cream. You providing the original bottle was silly and might set up some weird sort of precedent, in his mind at least, that you will provide the sun cream.

There was lots of other things I had to provide as well that I’ve never had to replace like clothes, we’d been in court over a year when we finally settled and I wasn’t willing to drag it out even further over some clothes and some sun cream.

And I’d have provided it anyway like I do for school and after school club and rainbows, but he never told me he needed anymore so I assumed he’d sorted it.

Sorry, I still think your solicitor was a plank. I wasn't criticising you. I was criticising your solicitor. I would expect you to do what your solicitor advised.
Men need to take responsibility for their children and not be spoon fed about things that are perfectly obvious: like going to the chemist/supermarket and buying appropriate sun-cream and applying it when needed.

”Next time you think she needs it send a new bottle, you have to take some responsibility for her”

What a twat. Tell him that you have responsibility for her 90% of the time but when she is with him he needs to take care of her needs. Also, as the weather gets warmer, he needs to buy sun cream ASAP.

@SuncreamProblem

I think that baby people are unaware of the expiry of suncream.

What I don't get, is given that you're using a Boots cream, why aren't you using the hypoallergenic 8 hours one. Yes I'd top up still after swimming or if a long day/very sunny, but it's far safer than the apply every 1 or 2 hours.

That would have eliminated a lot of your issues from the get go.

Though it's his technically his responsibility and you want pages of a thread showing he's shit, I do think that as the RP, and in the same way if she'd have gone out with someoneelse for the day, you'd have sent her with the suncream, sunhat etc. So I do think that you're trying to portray it as he's some arsehole, I think that equally, you probably could learn from this.

As for taking photos. It wasn't neglect. It's a very unfortunate turn of events.

I also think your assumption, that even with poor communication, she won't be communicating with him, is harsh and yet again more demonstrative of your attitude and that verges in alienation.

Why did he not notice her going red? Sunburn is easy to spot if your paying attention ffs

I would have to text back-No, when she is in YOUR care-YOU have till take responsibility for your daughter; that’s how it works.

To not till

We don't replace sunscreen every year and I've never had a burnt child. It's the act of making sure it's applied 15 minutes before you go out and reapplied after being in water. I made sure when DS was young that he took breaks from the sun if he started to look red and made him wear a sun hat.

I also buy the Once Boots one so it retains a bit of effectiveness after swimming.

To be fair to the EXDH - and I don't particularly want to be as he sounds like an idiot- people tend to forget about sunscreen in UK or be very relaxed about applying in a way they wouldn't be if abroad

@BusyLizzie61 what a bizarre take. Unless you are the mil or exdh I can't imagine why you would think the OP is trying to alienate the father. She said her daughter reacts to certain creams so the one application types may not suit her skin, to be honest even with those I'd reapply after getting wet just in case.
She wasn't just sending her off with someone else for the day, she was sending her to the other parent who should do exactly that - parent! Can you imagine if she returned from a childminder or creche like that. Even if you could argue that it was the OP responsibility to provide suncream, its still was exdh's responsibility to ensure it was applied frequently enough and she wasn't in the sun for too long. Even being out of date if he had bothered to do those things I'd imagine DD wouldn't be in the painful state she is now.
Sunburn can definitely be classed as neglectful as part of an overall picture.

Though it's his technically his responsibility and you want pages of a thread showing he's shit, I do think that as the RP, and in the same way if she'd have gone out with someoneelse for the day, you'd have sent her with the suncream, sunhat etc. So I do think that you're trying to portray it as he's some arsehole, I think that equally, you probably could learn from this

He’s her FATHER, not a babysitter 🙄

I wonder what possessed both him and his Mother to think three year old sun cream would still be ok. I do wonder how some people make it through life tbh, it’s pretty obvious it would eventually expire. Perhaps your ex also doesn’t know condoms expire, might want to give him the heads up on that one so he doesn’t create another child. He sounds absolutely useless!

I can’t believe he’d even expect you to provide the suncream in the first place, do you also need to provide her food and water while she’s with him? Such a twat.

Your poor Dd. Sunburn is horrible.

He is trying to deflect blame because he knows he is guilty.

I would reply: When she is with you you are her parent with 100% responsibility, not a babysitter or childminder. Our Dd is the priority of course so if there is anything you need advice on, ask.

Personally, on handover I would have said “she had sun cream on at x o clock, do you have a bottle or shall I leave one?”.

But the fact that you didn’t doesn’t mean it is your responsibility.

He is an attrocious cunt. Definitely his fucking fault. How dare he lecture you on taking responsibility for your poor daughter when he didn’t even bother to do something as basic as put sunscreen on her?! At this point who even knows whether he used the out of date stuff (which must have run out by now anyway if it was being used correctly?!) or none at all. No excuse for it. Hope your daughter is feeling a bit better by now.

[quote BusyLizzie61]@SuncreamProblem

I think that baby people are unaware of the expiry of suncream.

What I don't get, is given that you're using a Boots cream, why aren't you using the hypoallergenic 8 hours one. Yes I'd top up still after swimming or if a long day/very sunny, but it's far safer than the apply every 1 or 2 hours.

That would have eliminated a lot of your issues from the get go.

Though it's his technically his responsibility and you want pages of a thread showing he's shit, I do think that as the RP, and in the same way if she'd have gone out with someoneelse for the day, you'd have sent her with the suncream, sunhat etc. So I do think that you're trying to portray it as he's some arsehole, I think that equally, you probably could learn from this.

As for taking photos. It wasn't neglect. It's a very unfortunate turn of events.

I also think your assumption, that even with poor communication, she won't be communicating with him, is harsh and yet again more demonstrative of your attitude and that verges in alienation.[/quote]
More woman blaming crap.

Not properly applying sun cream to young children is neglect.

I would take her to the gp just to get her checked and to have it documented, I’d even go as far as to ask them to make a note that it was in her fathers care it happened.

For added context she was overnight, I dropped her off on Saturday with suncream on, she reacts to the 8 hour ones so I use nivea its the only one she doesn't react to.

If ExH (or even his mother) had text me at any time in the last 3 years to say "We're out of DDs suncream can you send another bottle?" I absolutely would in the same way I expect him to tell me if her inhaler runs out while she's there so I can send another one down. What got my back up was him expecting me to know she either needed more or to remind him to reapply.

Ex-PILs live 2 miles from me so I can easily walk or drive to drop off anything she needs. I have done when she's left a particular toy that she wants to show off at mine, or when I've been given party bags after she's gone to ExH. So even if they'd asked me while she was there I could of sorted it.

When we first split up and went through court I had to send a bag with 3 tshirts, 3 leggings, a few dresses, a pack of pants and a pack of socks as well as suncream and the medication she was on at the time to leave there.

I know the clothes have since been replaced by Ex-MIL as DD often comes out and says "Grandma got me this dress". As I said before we'd been in court over a year by this point and I'd basically got what I wanted (residency with visitation to ExH EOW) so I wasn't going to risk losing that over some clothes. I've never needed to replace the medication apart from once when she changed over to new things.

DD has some additional needs. She can and does speak but can appear shy and unco-operative with people she's not used to due to a communication disorder. She's also suspected dyslexic and dyspraxic as well as having a joint condition. She really wouldn't be able to say to ExH "I need more suncream now I've been in the hot tub" due to her issues. Once you get to know her and the way she speaks she's a proper chatter box but ExH has never seen that side of her - he infact describes her as quiet and shy.

We went to the chemist as her arms are still quite red but its patchy. Chemist said it didn't look too bad but to give antihistamines when going in the sun, she has these anyway due to asthma triggered by pollen. Still on cool baths and after sun with plenty of cold drinks today.

Cancelled plans again but I can't tomorrow as I have a meeting at work, she can come with me but it'll be held outside on picnic bench near a play area if it's sunny due to covid rules so will have to keep an eye on her.

To be fair if the court originally decreed sunscreen he may have thought that it was your role to supply. But he was an arse for blaming you and given that the child was in front of him, in the sun, it was unforgivable to let her get burnt.

Bad sunburn is neglect.

Yes, ex and his mother were idiots. Kids need regular applications of sun cream but I suspect plenty of adults don’t think about this. I doubt my in-laws would apply it more than once as they took niece and nephew out walking with no water but both my sisters in law would.

Is she able to tolerate the once a day creams? While not your responsibility you still don't want her to suffer so could apply before she goes or relax knowing even if applied once it still will protect her.

Suncream is an obvious thing to need and replace yearly bizzarly my son cant tolerate nivea at all and my ex husband put it on him I had to teach him not to allow his dad to do this as despite me telling him he persisted in putting it on making my son come out in a itchy rash everytime and pulling the innocent face everytime even after I proved it via text sent over suncream in his school bag (mysteriously stolen the first time he went over there with it) so now ds refuses any creams as he doesn't want to get a rash

It puts a barrier on there relationship if dad CBA to protect them from the sun

@StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes

Is she able to tolerate the once a day creams? While not your responsibility you still don't want her to suffer so could apply before she goes or relax knowing even if applied once it still will protect her.

Unfortunately no she can only use the ones you reapply regularly.

Even if she could, she was overnight. I'd put it on on Saturday when I dropped her off but didn't get her back until Sunday evening so the previous days one wouldn't have protected her anyway.

Put sunscreen and long sleeves/trousers tomorrow. Poor thing.

Allowing your child to develop sunburn on a very hot day is criminal. Don't most parents apply suncream regularly and check their child's skin to see if they are getting too much sun. Highly unlikely he put any on her and has used your comment about it being out of date to twist it back to you. I hope you will respond very calmly and firmly that he is responsible for her care when she is with him. Unfortunately you will have years of this until your child is able to choose not to bother any more. All that energy to fight for custody and he can't even apply suncream.