Is this my responsibility or is ExH UR?

[SuncreamProblem]

DD is 6, will be 7 at end of July.

She goes to ExH EOW for 1 night but due to circumstances (long story) he takes he to his parents so hasn’t had her overnight since August 2020 due to the restrictions. Last night was the first overnight since then.

DD has come back with horrendous sunburn. It’s still burning slightly 2 hours after she came home (got her back at 5.15pm). I’ve done a cool bath, after sun and calpol and she’s still in pain with it.

Messaged ExH to ask about suncream as it looks like he didn’t put any on “Yes I did put some on it was that bottle you gave me” he means the bottle I gave him in 2018 when the Child Arrangements Order was made and I only gave him because my solicitor advised me to give him a bottle so he knows what brand I use (DD has some skin issues which can be made worse by certain suncreams)

“You do know it goes out of date after a year?” I ask, he replies “No I didn’t, and mum didn’t either or we’d have got another bottle” it was all quiet for awhile and then he’s messaged back “Next time you think she needs it send a new bottle, you have to take some responsibility for her”

For context we split in 2017 due to his violence and control. He took me to court and wanted full residency but was granted EOW and 1 night for tea, though only have her EOW.

So AIBU to think ExH should of got a new bottle of suncream or is it my fault for not sending a new one? I sent her yesterday wearing it thinking he’d put more on.

Vote -
YABU - It is your fault and should of sent more
YANBU - It's ExHs fault for not knowing it goes out of date

Do men know sun cream has an expiry date? Mine wouldn't.

How many of us are realising that the 'just in case' meds we keep are out of date.

Sorry she has got burned

His fault. Your poor DD.

@GabriellaMontez

Awful. His responsibility. Take some photos.

Absolute neglect.

Keep a copy of the texts also.

Twat.

Poor little pet.

@Jessbow

Do men know sun cream has an expiry date? Mine wouldn't.

How many of us are realising that the 'just in case' meds we keep are out of date.

Sorry she has got burned

I don’t remember attending any kind of class as a woman regarding expiry dates on suncream why are you saying men wouldn’t know but women should?!

Agree though re the out of date meds. I’ve just had a clear out. However basic things like keeping in date calpol should be down. Similarly a responsible parent would look at the temp today and check suncreams and dates first thing. They’d also notice their child burning during the course of an afternoon surely.

OP sorry he’s a dick. Take pictures of her burns and record that you’ve had to provide calpol for the pain. Keep copy of his message as well he’s totally in the wrong here.

Using out of date sunscreen really isn’t that big a deal tbh. So if he only put it on once, it probably wasn’t applied properly.

He’s a twat either way. How exactly did he expect to look after her if he’d been given full residency? Would he have expected you to take responsibility then as well?

I think suncream loses a factor every year???
Sound like it wasn't applied regularly enough regardless of it being out of date.

He's obviously not capable of looking after her properly. Is she too young to ask for suncream herself, if you try to teach her how often to apply it?

I would just accept that he is a prick and send her with suncream next time. But keep a record of anything that happens to her while in his care. Including photos.

I can’t strictly pick either of your options, because I didn’t know sunscreen went out of date and have certainly had no problems using sun cream well over a year old.

But absolutely it is up to him to sort sunscreen out on his time. I suspect he wasn’t using the 2018 bottle and just hadn’t bothered. Even if he had used the 2018 he should be checking it is doing its job.

@MadeForThis

I think suncream loses a factor every year??? Sound like it wasn't applied regularly enough regardless of it being out of date.

He's obviously not capable of looking after her properly. Is she too young to ask for suncream herself, if you try to teach her how often to apply it?

I would just accept that he is a prick and send her with suncream next time. But keep a record of anything that happens to her while in his care. Including photos.

She has some additional needs including communication issues, she can talk but would struggle to ask about suncream especially as she has no contact with him apart from EOW.

Its completely down to him, not you, to get suncream and apply it on his contact days. I'd take photos and if it's really bad call the GP out of hours. I did it once when my child came back from their dads house severely burnt, blisters were all over. The doctor was fuming and logged it in their system and gave me something to pop on it, I was livid with my ex. It's completely negligent to allow a child to get severely sunburnt.

He's a prize dick ! He should have checked, not blame you.

Hope you DD feels better soon.

He's got some bloody nerve, trying tit turn it back on you and saying you need to to take some responsibility.
I don't think I could resist retorting that you know all about responsibility for a child, what with having dealt with 100% of it over the last year/however long.

When does he have to take responsibility or is it just you that has too? Even if he didn’t know it went out of date, she was in his care so he should have been checking that she wasn’t burning. Was he reapplying it frequently? Even out of date it should have provided some protection maybe but would have to be used properly.

I’d probably have sent a bottle if only to know it was the right brand/factor (reactions etc), however absolutely his fault for applying an unsuitable product or not frequently enough.

@ButterflyBitch

When does he have to take responsibility or is it just you that has too? Even if he didn’t know it went out of date, she was in his care so he should have been checking that she wasn’t burning. Was he reapplying it frequently? Even out of date it should have provided some protection maybe but would have to be used properly.

DD says he only put it on once after lunch and not again, she's also likely been in the paddling pool/hot tub.

Obviously YANBU. But you have to deal with the reality, here. Send him some suitable suncream next time she stays over.

@NewPapaGuinea

I’d probably have sent a bottle if only to know it was the right brand/factor (reactions etc), however absolutely his fault for applying an unsuitable product or not frequently enough.

He's had this bottle since 2018, if he'd told me he needed more he knows I'd absolutely replace it, as I do with all medications I send with her but he didn't ask so I assumed he'd been buying more.

She's asleep at last, absolutely worn out and won't lie on her arms which are the worst burnt.

Poor little love. I managed to sunburn myself last year, I do feel for her.

To be fair, I didn't know sunscreen had a use by date.....

We all know it’s his job, but if he doesn’t do it then your child suffers

I think the lack of application is the factor rather than the out of date suncream. He’s looking for scapegoat.

I used out of date sun cream a couple of years ago and got awful sunburn so, with some, it is a thing that can happen. It’s never happened to me before. I’d kept reapplying it too.
Also confused about why men wouldn’t know about suncream but women should?!

While she is with him, he alone is responsible for every thing that happens to her. Not you (or his Mother!).

He needs to start being an adult and taking life and its responsibilities seriously.

Do not send any sun lotion to him, tell him to buy it himself. Keep copies of all interactions between the two of you. Take photos of her burnt skin, they could be useful help to prove neglect, should that ever be needed.

I have a DC who is very susceptible to sunburn (and therefore skin cancer).
I've been advised that by the expiry date, the protection of sun cream is probably halved.
However, I don't think that's really relevant here.
You should message him back and challenge him: 'so is everything that happens to DD while in your care my responsibility?'.
It absolutely isn't, of course, and he would lay himself wide open to you pursuing supervised visits if he's enough of an arse to disagree with your point.
As PP have suggested, take pictures and notes of what DD has told you about the visit. You may well need it if this kind of behaviour continues.

Totally his responsibility but I'm surprised she's burnt even with 4 year old sunscreen, I'm using older than that and it's fine

Whether it's out of date or not, if he only put it on once, it's completely his fault. Also, didn't he notice she was burning, for heaven's sake, or did he just leave her on her own all day? There's a lot of common sense involved in looking after a child: why wasn't he bothering?