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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this my responsibility or is ExH UR?

101 replies

SuncreamProblem · 30/05/2021 19:22

DD is 6, will be 7 at end of July.

She goes to ExH EOW for 1 night but due to circumstances (long story) he takes he to his parents so hasn’t had her overnight since August 2020 due to the restrictions. Last night was the first overnight since then.

DD has come back with horrendous sunburn. It’s still burning slightly 2 hours after she came home (got her back at 5.15pm). I’ve done a cool bath, after sun and calpol and she’s still in pain with it.

Messaged ExH to ask about suncream as it looks like he didn’t put any on “Yes I did put some on it was that bottle you gave me” he means the bottle I gave him in 2018 when the Child Arrangements Order was made and I only gave him because my solicitor advised me to give him a bottle so he knows what brand I use (DD has some skin issues which can be made worse by certain suncreams)

“You do know it goes out of date after a year?” I ask, he replies “No I didn’t, and mum didn’t either or we’d have got another bottle” it was all quiet for awhile and then he’s messaged back “Next time you think she needs it send a new bottle, you have to take some responsibility for her”

For context we split in 2017 due to his violence and control. He took me to court and wanted full residency but was granted EOW and 1 night for tea, though only have her EOW.

So AIBU to think ExH should of got a new bottle of suncream or is it my fault for not sending a new one? I sent her yesterday wearing it thinking he’d put more on.

Vote -
YABU - It is your fault and should of sent more
YANBU - It's ExHs fault for not knowing it goes out of date

OP posts:
gumball37 · 30/05/2021 21:30

Oh fuck no. He's triggered my irrationality. YOU need to take some responsibility for her? Tell him you'll bring a new bottle and he can go ahead and use the old one to fuck himself up the ass.

Sadly, I think you'd beat send one because it is a health issue for your daughter. He's a fucker but she shouldn't suffer (again) because of him.

Ideasplease322 · 30/05/2021 21:38

@Jessbow

Do men know sun cream has an expiry date? Mine wouldn't.

How many of us are realising that the 'just in case' meds we keep are out of date.

Sorry she has got burned

I think you need to start mixing with different types of men. You can’t seriously write off a while gender like that.

Do you have sons? If so please don’t bring them up with this nonsense that men can’t be expected to know anything or do anything.

chickenyhead · 30/05/2021 21:51

My DS 12 knows sun cream has an expiry date.

CoffeeCakey · 30/05/2021 21:54

Does he expect you to send toothpaste everytime she runs out?! What an idiot.

Gooseberrypies · 30/05/2021 22:01

Is he having a fucking laugh. You need to take some responsibility?

rwalker · 30/05/2021 22:03

His fault but we never bother about date on sun cream never had a problem .

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 30/05/2021 22:20

YANBU. This is the sort of comment my ex h likes to make. He projects all his failings onto me. I have pointed out his responsibilities when needed.
It's not your fault but hard to not "give in" to help you DD

timeisnotaline · 30/05/2021 22:28

‘Just like you have to feed her, provide a toilet, make sure you have a bandaids or suitable medical care if she falls over or is sick while with you,make sure she has a coat on if cold, you have to provide and make sure she wears suncream when needed. Courts will treat this as neglect and the Gp was pretty disgusted.’ (Whether you’ve seen gp yet or not )

Babygotblueyes · 30/05/2021 22:41

Why would you buy sun cream for her at his place? Seems like an essential that any parent would have.

3scape · 31/05/2021 10:38

I get quite fed up of nrp who kick off about the rp providing everything. The reason why CM is set at such a low level is because the nrp is expected to still do a certain amount of providing of the basics when they are with the child. I think sun cream and medicine are pretty basic and not a kind of precious luxury that this dad is behaving as . So many posters on here are with the unfortunate view that only the resident parent is obliged to do the fundamentals. The bar needs to be raised.

Hankunamatata · 31/05/2021 10:53

Obviously he is a muppet. Take big breath, ask him to buy more suncream and remind to reapply. Unless mil is a sadist they didnt do it on purpose

MakeItRain · 31/05/2021 11:00

Having dealt with an ex like this for years, your best response is a very emotionless one, and which is in her best interests. So I would reply something like "As the weather is getting warmer, you'll need to buy a new bottle of the same make, then reapply frequently (one application won't stop sunburn). It will also be a good idea to stock up on plasters and calpol for emergencies". Then switch your phone off. Don't rise to the "take some responsibility" nonsense, it's not worth it.

angieloumc · 31/05/2021 11:01

He's an absolute idiot. As pp say it's his responsibility to buy it and apply it (not his mother's) however I'd send some anyway next time, which you've indicated you would've if he'd said.

Noshowlomo · 31/05/2021 11:33

What @timeisnotaline said

IgglePiggleHater · 31/05/2021 15:01

Children shouldn't be left out in direct sunlight in very hot weather for hours anyway, sunscreen or no sunscreen. They should wear sunhats and t-shirts if they're in and out of water as sunscreen is not waterproof.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 31/05/2021 15:16

What a knob. He's her dad, not a babysitter. He should have everything she may need at his house for her when she goes to stay. Why should you be packing her off with all these things? Absolutely unbelievable, I'm annoyed on your behalf, OP!

Cherrysoup · 31/05/2021 15:44

He hasn’t used any, IMO, even old sunscreen should be reasonably effective.

9weektogo · 31/05/2021 15:46

Is he for real? It’s YOUR job to provide bloody sun screen?

tabulahrasa · 31/05/2021 15:54

Even if it was your responsibility to provide sun cream when it’s needed Hmm (it shouldn’t be btw)

Are you supposed to somehow psychically just know what he does or doesn’t have and what his plans are as well as the weather?....

I mean...

How would you know he needed it if he hadn’t told you he did?

chaosrabbitland · 31/05/2021 16:02

i think the whole issue over the sun cream being out of date is slightly irrelevent , it would still have offered some protection for her ,but the fact is i dont think they applied it enough and even saying that , most bottles have a warning on them in small print that the sun is at its hottest between 12 /3 or therabouts and to avoid staying out in it . it was his responsiblity to get her indoors or playing outside but with some shade over her during those times . really to be a fly on the wall or rather in the garden they just left her to it for all those hours with it only applied once . even if her skin hadnt gotten burned she could still have felt sick or headachy being out in it all that time . i felt ill and that was doing the back garden for only 3 hours yesterday .

frankly its worrying that a father this useless cannot take even basic responsiblity for the wellbeing of his child whilst shes in his care and stoops to pass the buck onto a parent who wasnt even present . as others said make sure you document and keep the pics

Soontobe60 · 31/05/2021 16:16

Although he should be responsible enough to make sure she doesn’t get sunburned, I would make sure he has the right sun cream, and that your dd also has appropriate clothing to wear in the sun. If she’s going in the paddling pool / hot tub in the sun she should also be wearing a sun protection top and hat.

Maxiedog123 · 31/05/2021 16:17

Even wearing sunscreen correctly it doesn't block 100 percent of UV, so if you are very fair you Will still burn if you spend hours in the sun. Should have not left her out in direct sunlight that long anyway.

JanFebAnyMonth · 31/05/2021 16:33

Keep records. Go to walk in if she continues poorly. (Been there and got the t shirt.)

Original poster
SuncreamProblem · 31/05/2021 18:31

She’s ok today, still very red and sore no blisters or anything I can see but still on calpol for it. She’s extremely tired but that may not be sun related as she’s not been overnight with him since August so could be getting used to it again.

We had plans for today but I’ve cancel them as I didn’t want to risk her burning again. She’s very pale skinned, with fine, light blonde hair so burns easily.

I will take her to the chemist tomorrow if she’s still red and sore but as I’m managing it with calpol and after sun I don’t think she requires immediate medical attention. Will be keeping her in a longer sleeved tshirt until it’s better.

OP posts:
Cactusesi · 31/05/2021 20:56

I agree with Aunt Podder. I am very pale and often use out of date sun cream. It works.
I suspect he didn't use the suncream at all. If he did, he certainly didn't apply it often enough.

Is it really horrendous sunburn if it has almost gone after 2 hours? But whether it is or not your daughter shouldn't be burnt at all. That happened on his watch and is his fault.

Your solicitor was a plank. Your Ex does not have to use your brand of sun cream. You providing the original bottle was silly and might set up some weird sort of precedent, in his mind at least, that you will provide the sun cream.