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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you have to attend all of in laws birthdays every year?

61 replies

pinkrainbow100 · 30/05/2021 17:59

I mean each member of the family - every year ? Isn't that excessive ? Is that what I signed up for when I got married ? To have to sing happy birthday to my husband'a parents and siblings, every year ?

Currently I have other plans and am being guilt tripped by MIL.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 30/05/2021 18:05

No. You decide what you want to do, where and when. I would find it a bizarre expectation and tell MIL it won't be happening.

zaffa · 30/05/2021 18:06

I don't have to, no. I choose to though, because they are my family now. But I have a good relationship with them, if you don't like your in laws then I could understand reluctance to spend time with them

Original poster
pinkrainbow100 · 30/05/2021 18:07

It's not because I don't like them. It's just that I've been stuck indoors with a toddler for months and I also work full time, so I had made plans this entire weekend. The birthday stuff is always ad hoc ( birthday was last week ). I made plans already.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 30/05/2021 18:08

Never been a thing in my family ... but all families are different. Can't remember the last time I celebrated a birthday with any of my ILs (although my DH is kind enough to celebrate my family birthdays ... but not every single year Grin and I don't expect him to join in if he would rather not.)

zaffa · 30/05/2021 18:09

@pinkrainbow100

It's not because I don't like them. It's just that I've been stuck indoors with a toddler for months and I also work full time, so I had made plans this entire weekend. The birthday stuff is always ad hoc ( birthday was last week ). I made plans already.
That's fair enough - but I wouldn't skip any of IL birthday any more than I would skip my own. What does your DH think about it? I think he's need to support you if your in laws were upset about your absence
NavigatingAdolescence · 30/05/2021 18:11

Absolutely not. Mine are all 6 hours away though so don’t see them from one year to the next even without Covid. Highly recommended.

NoHunGosh · 30/05/2021 18:11

Yes and I despise every single second I have to spend in their company pretending to enjoy their shitty homemade fare.

Looneytune253 · 30/05/2021 18:13

Had you not made plans to see the family member for their birthday tho? If you've seen them already then no need to feel guilty but if not I'd try and make more of an effort. I'd be a bit gutted if my in laws didn't bother at all for my birthday

Topseyt · 30/05/2021 18:17

It has not been a big thing for us. We did if it was some sort of milestone birthday, but otherwise no. Just sent cards or something and phoned.

Pineapple5678 · 30/05/2021 18:27

@pinkrainbow100

It's not because I don't like them. It's just that I've been stuck indoors with a toddler for months and I also work full time, so I had made plans this entire weekend. The birthday stuff is always ad hoc ( birthday was last week ). I made plans already.
I spend time with my family because I want too, and I've missed them over the last year. I married my husband and all that he is and his family have become mine. I would know when their birthdays are and would check if they had planned anything before making plans myself.
newnortherner111 · 30/05/2021 18:45

No, but for any children I have never once forgotten their birthdays, even if just sending a card that arrives beforehand.

Horehound · 30/05/2021 18:46

No you don't!

Sciurus83 · 30/05/2021 18:47

Hell no! Significant birthdays where there was a planned event yes of course, but last minute when I had other plans nope

LeafBeetle · 30/05/2021 18:48

No, we don't usually see my in laws for their birthdays, although we would for a 'big' birthday. My PILs live approx 2 hours away and BIL lives abroad.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/05/2021 18:52

No, not ever. Not for my family or DHs family.

bonbonours · 30/05/2021 18:56

Always try to make an effort to do something for family birthdays both mine and in-laws. Not necessarily on the day though.

If yours didn't make a plan in advance then you can justifiably says you can't make it. If they really want you there they'd change their last minute plan. My in laws (or parents) would never send out a decree that we must come over on a particular day. They would ask if we were free and would like to come. If we weren't free they'd do it another time. We have small family though so it's not a big gathering just us and them.

Justkeepleft · 30/05/2021 18:56

My IL are very adhoc with their planning. They know they are like this so there are no hard feelings if you can't make it due to other plans. We just work out another time, they are an hour and bit away. It used to stress me out but now I realise there are no hard feelings.
It sounds like your IL are not so aware.

LindaEllen · 30/05/2021 18:57

The important thing is their son goes. If I fancy it I go too. Same goes for my family and him.

If it's a big birthday and there's a special event that's of course different.

phoenixrosehere · 30/05/2021 18:58

Depends on the family.

We usually send a card and a gift to in-laws and they send something for us. Unless it’s major milestones, we’re not expected or guilted into seeing them on birthdays. Plus, it helps that we live about a 5.5 hour drive a way.

Unless there were some kind of invitations or notice about something beforehand don’t see a reason for any family member to be guilt tripping.

HeddaGarbled · 30/05/2021 19:03

I would know when their birthdays are and would check if they had planned anything before making plans myself

Pretty much agree with this, though my in laws are not the sort to make a fuss if there was a clash of events and I would make sure to arrange to see them soon.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 30/05/2021 19:06

Nope, only the significant ones. Otherwise, DH just send cards and presents.

Sort of the same for him on my side, except only my mum really celebrates birthdays at all.

LittleOwl153 · 30/05/2021 19:09

We will generally do a meet up at some point to pass over a card. But that can be a week before or after at everyone's convenience. Definatley do tnchange plans you already have booked for something not yet arranged!

blubberyboo · 30/05/2021 19:10

Does your DP do the same for your family?
If so then YABU

ChatterMonkey · 30/05/2021 19:11

Depends on the family youve married into.

Yes you are your own person, and so is your dp, but surely you had an idea of expectations before you got married?

I dont understand why its such a big deal to you. From reading on here, in laws issues could be a hell of lot worse...

If its an issue what a clash on dates could you do the birthday thing, leave early then do other arrangements?

Whose birthday is it clashing with? SIL's 52nd then not such a big deal. MIL's 70th then yeah you should probably make an effort to be there.

Custardo · 30/05/2021 19:11

yanbu - its weird. you made plans, they are not having their birthday on their birthday - hard shit.