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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you have to attend all of in laws birthdays every year?

61 replies

pinkrainbow100 · 30/05/2021 17:59

I mean each member of the family - every year ? Isn't that excessive ? Is that what I signed up for when I got married ? To have to sing happy birthday to my husband'a parents and siblings, every year ?

Currently I have other plans and am being guilt tripped by MIL.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 30/05/2021 19:12

I would always go when possible. But as with any birthday I would not go if I already have other plans.

If it is someone very close I would keep the weekend nearest their birthday free though.

It is short notice so don't feel bad about it. Enjoy your day out.

UpTheJunktion · 30/05/2021 19:13

PILS and P’s b’days, yes, usually. Other ILs if they are having a party, BBQ or event. They live a 3 hour drive away. So it would be planned in advance.

They are family, good for the kids to be at family events with their relatives of 3 generations, on both sides.

Notonthestairs · 30/05/2021 19:14

I think if the plans are reasonably spontaneous then you have to accept other people might have plans already.

Only my in-laws live close enough to us for a quick visit - the rest are quite far flung so plans gave to be made well in advance.

Original poster
pinkrainbow100 · 30/05/2021 19:18

@ChatterMonkey

Depends on the family youve married into.

Yes you are your own person, and so is your dp, but surely you had an idea of expectations before you got married?

I dont understand why its such a big deal to you. From reading on here, in laws issues could be a hell of lot worse...

If its an issue what a clash on dates could you do the birthday thing, leave early then do other arrangements?

Whose birthday is it clashing with? SIL's 52nd then not such a big deal. MIL's 70th then yeah you should probably make an effort to be there.

It was never like this before we got married. It's intensified in recent years and I'm not sure why. I just don't like the expectation and guilt tripping. I would understand if it was an important birthday and it had been properly planned in advance.
OP posts:
Original poster
pinkrainbow100 · 30/05/2021 19:19

@blubberyboo

Does your DP do the same for your family? If so then YABU
No it's not possible logistically and my family don't do it anyway, even if it was possible. Not every birthday, every year.
OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 30/05/2021 19:21

Hmm, are you trying to make a point? How does your husband feel about it?

Original poster
pinkrainbow100 · 30/05/2021 19:22

@HeddaGarbled

Hmm, are you trying to make a point? How does your husband feel about it?
He doesn't want to go either.
OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 30/05/2021 19:24

Let him deal with it.

TheMotherlode · 30/05/2021 19:36

It would be rude to turn down the invite just cause you don’t want to go, but if they planned it last minute and you already have plans then fair enough.

Thisseatisnotavailable · 30/05/2021 19:39

Nope, just the 'big' ones. Same with my own family.

Quickchangeartiste · 30/05/2021 19:44

I think we may be related.
MIL & SIL are very disorganised but they pull this crap repeatedly. In fact MIL has expected me to miss my own DM birthday to fall in with her plans to celebrate some random event.
If I am free, I go; but long ago I decided not to ‘ make arrangements’ as she puts it, just to please MIL.
DH is fine with it.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 30/05/2021 19:48

I REALLY want to say no, but I also know that my in-laws would be very unhappy if we both weren’t present...

I think they’d rearrange if we/one of us was genuinely busy with something we couldn’t move, but they typically book these things in so far in advance that it’s never been an issue yet.

MildredPuppy · 30/05/2021 19:55

We try and see my parents in law around their birthdays and see my mum around hers. Siblings not so much

Its obviously not compulsory and its better organised in advance but i also dont think it is unusual or shocking to think your child and grandchild might celebrate with you either.

Original poster
pinkrainbow100 · 30/05/2021 20:21

@MildredPuppy

We try and see my parents in law around their birthdays and see my mum around hers. Siblings not so much

Its obviously not compulsory and its better organised in advance but i also dont think it is unusual or shocking to think your child and grandchild might celebrate with you either.

It's not actually MIL or FIL's birthday. One husband's siblings birthdays.
OP posts:
MrsJBaptiste · 30/05/2021 20:25

God, no.

I drop off a card to the in laws on their birthdays as they live locally but that's it. I post cards to my family and might see them if we all happen to be free but otherwise we're not bothered. Luckily birthdays are nice but just not a big deal to us all!

Holly60 · 30/05/2021 20:59

@pinkrainbow100

It's not because I don't like them. It's just that I've been stuck indoors with a toddler for months and I also work full time, so I had made plans this entire weekend. The birthday stuff is always ad hoc ( birthday was last week ). I made plans already.
I would say YABU because it sounds like a) they are not horrible people b)they do it every year c) you know when their birthdays are.

If they do it every year on their birthdays it’s not really ad hoc.

My family (including inlaws because they ARE my family) often make plans for birthdays so I make it on calendar and call to check plans before committing to anything else.

Holly60 · 30/05/2021 21:00

Mark it, that should read

MildredPuppy · 30/05/2021 21:00

Aaah - @pinkrainbow100 i misunderstood.

Fauvist · 30/05/2021 21:07

YANBU. If you have plans, then DH needs to step up and tell them, particularly as he doesn't want to go either. These people are all adults, right?

littledrummergirl · 30/05/2021 21:09

No. We invite our relatives to eat with us for our dc birthdays, if they are free they come, if not they don't. It's nice to spend time with them but we don't expect it. They are the same with us.

We do sing Happy birthday down the phone to mil and sil though. My family would find it a bit cringe worthy if we did that with them, we are all happy with a Facebook message.

ZenNudist · 30/05/2021 21:13

Yes and they are all in the same month. 3 weekends on the bounce. Not to forget great uncles and aunts, cousins their DC, and any family friends which MIL happens to throw a celebration. She also makes a big deal out of one of my dc who has birthday in a holiday so I have to celebrate that with them too.

She would also make a big fuss out of my birthday if I let her.

Covid has really helped with this!!

LittleOwl153 · 31/05/2021 22:39

Did you go OP?

Aprilwasverywet · 31/05/2021 22:42

Having not met mil that long we took her for tea. We paid. She ordered the most expensive steak and bagged it up to take home for her ddog.
Never took her anywhere again.
Been nc for over 6 years..

DelurkingAJ · 31/05/2021 22:48

DPIL yes, for now. But they are 1.5 hours away and I foresee a time when DC will have commitments and we won’t be able to. They are also shocking at assuming we will psychically know their plans...so I am now very clear they have to tell me well in advance (DH is also last minute and after the time I had to let down my friends because in going the weekend before DMIL’s birthday we were missing the party that we were then told about for the next weekend I don’t trust their communications).Never for DBILs but we also don’t do so for my side.

Good thing I adore my otherwise amazing DPIL!

shivawn · 01/06/2021 11:22

No but we like attending family events. My husband has 9 brothers and 19 nieces and nephews living close by so we're kept quite busy!