Do you have to attend all of in laws birthdays every year?

[pinkrainbow100]

I mean each member of the family - every year ? Isn't that excessive ? Is that what I signed up for when I got married ? To have to sing happy birthday to my husband'a parents and siblings, every year ?

Currently I have other plans and am being guilt tripped by MIL.

@LittleOwl153

Did you go OP?

No we didn't go. We already made plans and I was really looking forward to them. MIL is also quite a pushy woman, which is a good quality of hers, as she gets her way a lot and that does help her just get things done. But I can't always be pushed and sometimes she needs to understand she can't get her way. As much as I do respect her.

@Looneytune253

Had you not made plans to see the family member for their birthday tho? If you've seen them already then no need to feel guilty but if not I'd try and make more of an effort. I'd be a bit gutted if my in laws didn't bother at all for my birthday

But the OP could, and possibly would, have bothered if they hadn’t expected her to be free at short notice the weekend after the birthday. She didn’t deliberately plan something to clash with this birthday - she had plans for a date somewhere near it.

A few years ago, my friends invited me on a holiday beginning on my parents’ ruby wedding anniversary. I said I’d fly out a day late, because I wanted to be there. My parents were very touched and said I needn’t have bothered, but no way would I have deliberately organised a clash with the date. What I wouldn’t have done was refuse to book the holiday at all just in case they might decide to celebrate a week late and tell me only shortly before.

@HeddaGarbled

Hmm, are you trying to make a point? How does your husband feel about it?

What point would she be trying to make? OP had plans; she stuck to them. Not attending because it was short notice and she might have already made plans - THAT’S making a point. Sticking to the plans she already had is perfectly normal.

If they're celebrating and we know in advance I'd prioritise, if it was last minute and I had plans DH would go and take DS. If we'd made plans together we'd say sorry can't see you on the Saturday but free on the Sunday for example. Unless it was a 60/70th but again I'd expect notice.

No you don’t. I think it would be considered “off” not to go if the family lived round the corner from you (unless you were at a wedding or similar) but there’s no obligation to go across the country if you live far apart, unless it’s a milestone birthday- and even then, not in some families.

My BIL’s DW used to get sniffy if me, DH and other BIL didn’t used to rock up for everyone of her DC’s birthday parties- but we live the other side of the country!

Covid and us having a DC of our own seems to have muted this a bit for now. Her family all live in the same town, so it’s expected you all turn up for the opening of an envelope together; she didn’t seem to get that it’s not the same when you live hundreds of miles away and have other commitments to factor in

Dh family we always make plans for birthdays. Not always on the day but as close to as we can manage.
My side I will always see my dad and brother and his kids on their actual birthday. And normally plan a meal or a day out the weekend before or after.
My sil I drop in a present and a card she celebrates her birthday with her side of the family.

Definitely not a thing in either of our families.

If they're celebrating and we know in advance I'd prioritise, if it was last minute and I had plans DH would go and take DS. If we'd made plans together we'd say sorry can't see you on the Saturday but free on the Sunday for example. Unless it was a 60/70th but again I'd expect notice.

A version of that. But if they'd made a last-minute plan they would recognise that we might already have something arranged, and would certainly not put the slightest pressure on us.
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I don't have to do anything. I usually celebrate birthdays with in-laws because I love them and want to.

If even your dh didn’t want to go, maybe now is the turning point, hopefully it will tail off and the pressure will stop.

Yes I think this is definitely something that different families do very differently.

For me, birthdays become progressively less important the older you get although (I guess except milestone birthdays like 50/60) I would hope I’d always be fairly bothered about my DC’s and I’d expect most parents to care more about their DC’s birthdays than they expect their DC to care about theirs.

This is very different in my DH’s family as they did generally try and see each other (5 hours away!) for birthdays but it seems that his parents somehow have precedence. He has bought them some pretty big presents in the past (which they do seem to expect) but generally gets something small a month late in return. They ask for what to get our DC (their grandchildren) and then just order directly to us do we need to do the wrapping etc. We manages to make birthdays less these days as life - work and kids - has got in the way but I think before all this the expectation was that he would travel all weekend just to be there on his Mum or Dad’s birthday even though they never actually did much to celebrate it.