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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you visit family every weekend.

55 replies

Boo2012 · 30/05/2021 16:43

Exactly that really.

Before covid we often felt obliged to visit family every weekend, we did and it was often quite time consuming. Never really enjoyed it and felt the weekends went too fast. But it's been nice to spend some time just the 4 of us as a family, out & about and at home.

We've seen family a few times recently but they are starting to get offended again if we don't visit at the weekend.

We have my partners family who live only 10-15 mins away so not far but you know if you visit you won't get away for hours.

Also have my family 30 minutes away. Still not far but an hour round trip.

After a long week we've learnt we just like to spend some time just the 4 of us. Me, dp and dc.

Neither of our parents are elderly or lonely at all so don't rely on us at all.

Plus I you were to visit both families that's a huge chunk of time. After a busy week we just want to chill at the weekends. We are lucky we generally get weekends off (not always). Our families can be hard work too. It's often not enjoyable. Maybe if it was enjoyable I would want to see them more.

Aibu to say no? We'll see them every 2-3 weeks instead?!

Seeing them mid week really isn't always ideal as we all have varying hours etc and other commitments!

They are just so easily offended. I think my mother struggles understanding as she's super close to my grandmother. They do everything together and always together like a package deal and I'm just not the same way! I like my space!

OP posts:
Original poster
Boo2012 · 30/05/2021 16:45

To add, I try and visit my grandmother once a week covid dependent. I usually visit her when my mother is at work because I felt I get on better with my grandmother when my mother isn't there! They are very close but I feel my grandmothers personality changes when my mother turns up 😒

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 30/05/2021 16:47

Absolutely not. Not when our children were young anyway. Every 6-8 weeks for my DP and maybe once every three months for DHs parents.

I now see my DM weekly for a mid week lunch and DH visits his DF weekly in his care home but we are older as are they and our DC are adults.

Shannaratiger · 30/05/2021 16:48

No way!!

Cockenspiel · 30/05/2021 16:48

It sounds like your extended families are a bit overbearing..?

It’s absolutely not unreasonable to see them every 2-3 weeks. Can you make arrangements to meet them out somewhere for lunch / walk / at an attraction? That way you have something to focus on and time is more structured?

1starwars2 · 30/05/2021 16:49

You are not unreasonable to do what works for your family.
I think once every few months is enough for PIL, but they are further away and we stay over night.
I see my Dad once a week, for an hour. I don't make my husband and kids come so they see him less often.

NeedNewKnees · 30/05/2021 16:50

Our families are about 100 miles from here. When the children were young we would visit every 6-8 weeks and they were welcome to do the same.

CandyFIosss · 30/05/2021 16:50

Nope rarely, can’t remember the last time I went to my mums house

salemcat · 30/05/2021 16:51

Weekly!!! Lucky if we visit once a year Grin

eatingpopcorn · 30/05/2021 16:54

I'm the same as you - quite happy with my space, and I enjoy visits but like them to be structured I.e. have a plan, and an expected end time. I think it's completely reasonable to have some time as just a family unit and visit family every few weeks or so.

LittleOwl153 · 30/05/2021 16:56

Yeah I get it OP. Only family my side left - and parents divorced. See my dad every month or 2 - all good. However my mother....

Before covid she used to come up twice a week. Huffed if I asked her not to come before school pickup (I'm self employed always wfh). Now comes up once a week second night no longer works as kids swim and covid and timings mean we can't both go/she can't cope with both alone. Consequentially she wants weekend visits too. We're visiting tomorrow but no several messages about coming for dinner tonight too.... getting sick of it now!

(She doesn't live alone - household of 5)

DeRigueurMortis · 30/05/2021 17:01

I get along well with both my DP's and PIL but I absolutely wouldn't want to visit every weekend.

It's far too often and gives you no space to enjoy time with your children.

What I notice on similar threads is also the fact that it's rarely the GP's doing the travel - they want to see you at little/no inconvenience to themselves.

We visit parents usually on alternate months so always have 3 weekends to ourselves and usually visit for the day/afternoon. I really wouldn't want to do more than that (and I'd do less if they lived further away).

The risk of going back to weekend visits is that especially given the break you'll come to resent it and that's no fun for anyone. TBH as the children get older they will absolutely not want to do this in lieu of being with their friends.

So I think you need to stand your ground and be firm that both you and the children need space at the weekends, decide on a schedule you are comfortable with and don't back down.

DeRigueurMortis · 30/05/2021 17:11

To add - as for them being offended well let them get on with it....

Being emotionally blackmailed is something you have a right to be offended by - not them.

If they put pressure on you I simply tell them that the more they do this the less inclined you are to visit - you're not going to waste a day visiting if they intend to spend it whinging about you not visiting enough.

I'd also encourage you to make plans for the weekend yourselves so it's easy to say "no we can't visit and we are doing xyz that weekend". Doesn't have to be anything "big" - could be as simple as a trip to the local park or similar.

They need to start to realise that you have a life outside theirs and cannot be "on call" every weekend.

redastherose · 30/05/2021 17:19

Once a month for each set of parents at most is enough if you are both working. Don't let them guilt you into duty visits which satisfy them but make you unhappy. Also, have a plan of how long you I'll stay and stick to it. You just need to assert some boundaries which suit your families needs.

DMCWelshcakes · 30/05/2021 17:20

Fuck. That.

It's not unreasonable to spend time with your own partner and children and they're just going to have to get over themselves.

MootMoot · 30/05/2021 17:25

Fuck no. Once every 3-4 weeks.

Ours are 20-60 mins away.

DeRigueurMortis · 30/05/2021 17:34

OP is your DH on the same page as you?

I'm simply asking because if he is it's easier to agree to a schedule that's fair to both sets of parents eg visit each set of parents every other month.

You can also back each other up.

If he's not them it's a more difficult situation, especially if wants to see his family every weekend even if you don't.

Robin233 · 30/05/2021 17:37

Oh no.
Once you've got your new family it's your time.
I would imagine a lot of families feel like you do.
Saw mil yesterday- first time since September due to covid and other things.
Really enjoyable but will be months before we go again.
It's your time now.
They had you for 18 odd years after all.

MrsTophamHat · 30/05/2021 17:43

Both sides provide childcare for us so we see each other every week.

If they didn't, I would probably find an opportunity for the children at least to see them weekly. I would not necessarily join them.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2021 17:44

No way. For me it's a chore. So, once every 3 months or so.

MadMadMadamMim · 30/05/2021 17:48

Nope. Elderly parents with active social life about 5 miles away.

I probably drop in for an hour once every 10 days or couple of weeks if I'm not busy. Often on the way home from work.

In laws several hundred miles away. Haven't seen them for 18 months because of Covid but would usually go stop for a few days about twice a year.

I couldn't be doing with seeing anyone every weekend. My weekends are precious.

DareIask · 30/05/2021 17:50

From the other side...

Seeing my adult children every day wouldn't be too often for me, but they have their own lives, work all week and sometimes weekends. I completely understand they spend their weekends doing family things.

We invite them for a casual dinner any mid week evening that's helpful to my DIL in terms of swimming lessons, her job etc.

Suits us

Castlepeak · 30/05/2021 17:50

No way. I love our family, but every weekend is crazy.

Lalliella · 30/05/2021 17:52

Once a week is too much! Do they never come to you? Sounds like you make all the effort. Don’t let them guilt-trip you OP.

PyjamaFan · 30/05/2021 17:53

God no.

We see my Dad probably once or twice a month as he doesn't live too far away, and my Mum a little less often. Mainly because she's an absolute pain!

WithIcePlease · 30/05/2021 17:55

No way
Weekends when DC small for me were about lazy breakfasts in bed together, going for a family swim, family picnics at National Trust, a shopping centre trip if they needed stuff etc etc
As an aside, DF always said that when we were adults, we should do exactly as we wanted for Christmas and not feel obliged to travel across the country to visit relatives as many of our family were expected to