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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you visit family every weekend.

55 replies

Boo2012 · 30/05/2021 16:43

Exactly that really.

Before covid we often felt obliged to visit family every weekend, we did and it was often quite time consuming. Never really enjoyed it and felt the weekends went too fast. But it's been nice to spend some time just the 4 of us as a family, out & about and at home.

We've seen family a few times recently but they are starting to get offended again if we don't visit at the weekend.

We have my partners family who live only 10-15 mins away so not far but you know if you visit you won't get away for hours.

Also have my family 30 minutes away. Still not far but an hour round trip.

After a long week we've learnt we just like to spend some time just the 4 of us. Me, dp and dc.

Neither of our parents are elderly or lonely at all so don't rely on us at all.

Plus I you were to visit both families that's a huge chunk of time. After a busy week we just want to chill at the weekends. We are lucky we generally get weekends off (not always). Our families can be hard work too. It's often not enjoyable. Maybe if it was enjoyable I would want to see them more.

Aibu to say no? We'll see them every 2-3 weeks instead?!

Seeing them mid week really isn't always ideal as we all have varying hours etc and other commitments!

They are just so easily offended. I think my mother struggles understanding as she's super close to my grandmother. They do everything together and always together like a package deal and I'm just not the same way! I like my space!

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 30/05/2021 17:56

We see dh's adult dd and young family maybe once every 6 weeks. They live about 30 mins away.

LolaNova · 30/05/2021 17:57

We see my parents most weekends but they only live 25 mins away. We usually have brunch or lunch one day in the weekend. We all enjoy it. They’ll be having DC one day per week when I go back to work so we’ll likely cut back on weekends a bit to avoid being a burden and give them a break!

DuesToTheDirt · 30/05/2021 17:58

Don't they ever we visit you? Why do you have to go to them?

Iggi999 · 30/05/2021 18:00

No because mine were in another country but I do remember visiting my GM every Sunday afternoon growing up.

ComDummings · 30/05/2021 18:00

No way. Every weekend is way too much!

GoodbyeCovid5 · 30/05/2021 18:05

Yes we see my parents and my sibling and their kids almost every weekend. I often see my parents daily for a short time as well. We all enjoy it but if anyone can't make it then not an issue. I am support for my mum's mental health so I check in on her often, it cheers her up a lot seeing family and is no problem for me. She's the kindest soul, but has been through a lot of trauma.

But everyone is different. Do what works for you and your family. Explain as best as you can that you've got other things you want to do like gardening or whatever.

Looubylou · 30/05/2021 18:09

Our family were expected to visit mum every Sunday, all together, and stay all afternoon. (Not for lunch). It meant as individual families we couldn't have the traditional lunch we grew up with, and looking back was too much in terms of not being able to make other plans. If I were to have the time again, I would make it fortnightly. Possibly popping in quickly mid week on the other week. Mum had a husband so she wasn't alone. YANBU

user1487194234 · 30/05/2021 18:10

We do
See my DPs every week and ILS most weeks
Still leaves lots of time for doing other things
DC have great relationships with grandparents

DeRigueurMortis · 30/05/2021 18:10

@DareIask

From the other side...

Seeing my adult children every day wouldn't be too often for me, but they have their own lives, work all week and sometimes weekends. I completely understand they spend their weekends doing family things.

We invite them for a casual dinner any mid week evening that's helpful to my DIL in terms of swimming lessons, her job etc.

Suits us

You sound like a lovely MIL Thanks

Really thoughtful/helpful re: midweek dinners around hobbies.

I'm going stick that into my "how to be a good MIL file" for the future!

Original poster
Boo2012 · 30/05/2021 18:17

Thanks all. Dp feels the same way - if anything even more so than me. He works ridiculous hours and just doesn't want to be driving around visiting family and spending ages there and driving back. He gets really tired at the weekends after getting up really early all week...

The problem with meeting them somewhere is that we are early birds. We tend to go out first thing when it's quiet and then come home at a decent time and spend the rest of the day at home catching up on chores chores, garden or just chilling etc. Both our families are not morning people. They are just getting up as we get home by from our morning outings 😂 they like to go out late afternoon/evening whereas we are the opposite! Plus even on times we've arranged stuff they are the least punctual people you could meet. My mum is the type of person that is 3 hours late for everything.

^its similar when we visit tbh. We would rather visit early. I appreciate not everyone likes to get up early and that's them and this is us. I don't want to be visiting family in the evenings with young children and they don't want to get up early... it's really difficult! 😒

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 30/05/2021 18:17

Every weekend is ridiculous, particularly if you’re expected to see both sets. Cut down, tell them you’re busy, or go somewhere they can join in but it’s not obligatory.

Kitkat151 · 30/05/2021 18:17

I see my eldest son twice a year ( he lives in cancada)
I see my daughter and 2 grandaughters 4 times a week ( they live 10 mins drive away)
I see my youngest son and grandaughter once or twice a week ( they live 25 minute drive away)
It what suits your family.....and this is what suits us

Cherrysoup · 30/05/2021 18:19

Oops, cross posted. You offer to meet them at 10, they don’t want to go/see you that early, not your problem, you’re then not available later because you’ve had your outing and now want to get on and do whatever. Tough.

Thisseatisnotavailable · 30/05/2021 18:31

We only see my dp once every few months, but we are about 2 hrs drive away. My dpils we see once a year if that; their choice.

Maybe say to them we're doing x Saturday morning if you want to come with us, or meet us for lunch after. Then if they turn up 3 hours late and you've already had lunch and left then tough. And I would totally limit that offer to once a month.

riotlady · 30/05/2021 18:38

I see my parents most weeks but tbh it’s a big help to me as I suffer from fatigue and DH often works weekends so they help burn off some of my 3yos energy

DeRigueurMortis · 30/05/2021 18:44

Maybe say to them we're doing x Saturday morning if you want to come with us, or meet us for lunch after. Then if they turn up 3 hours late and you've already had lunch and left then tough. And I would totally limit that offer to once a month.

I think something along these lines is a good idea.

Put the ball in their court.

If you're "early birds" and they "night owls" then lunchtime is the compromise.

Do your early morning thing then they can meet you for a few hours at midday and you have the rest of the day to chill.

If they can't be bothered then....their problem.

Kinraddie · 30/05/2021 18:48

Why can't they come to you for lunch or a cup of tea?

PurpleMustang · 30/05/2021 18:53

Agree between you what you want to do and just implement it. Dont tell them as such so that they get annoyed. But have answers ready for comments. Things like, but if we visit everyone every week we don't get our own family weekend time. The kids have such busy weeks we found they like to relax too. And just rinse and repeat. I would see them once every 2/3 weeks and one on a weekend so you get a weekend to yourself

GrandDuchessRomanov · 30/05/2021 18:56

Nope. I rarely see my Dsis and she is my next door neighbour!

Love her to bits and we are there for each other if needed but no obligatory visits.

Ragwort · 30/05/2021 18:57

I tend to now as my DPs are very elderly (90s) so I visit once a week to help out ... but they've only lived near us for a few years and when our DS was younger they lived a long distance away. I never grew up with the idea of 'weekly visits' ... and to be totally honest I wouldn't expect/want to see my adult DS every week ... I work, I've got my own hobbies/interests/friends - I don't want to be the sort of parent/grandparent that expects a weekly visit.

TheGumption · 30/05/2021 18:57

We have dinner at my dad's every Saturday. It's just become a thing that is routine really. The thing is we all like it and really look forward to it. We do different types of cuisine and it's good fun. If it felt like an obligation we wouldn't want to do it.

ShinyGreenElephant · 30/05/2021 19:01

I see my mum once or twice a week, don't expect DH to. Visit my grandad 3x a week as I help care for him, hes a pain but he needs help and I'm a SAHM (to 3 kids and 2 stepkids) so seen as the one with all the free time. I don't mind really. Dh isn't close to his family, we see them once a month at most. Cant bear my sister, see her when we accidentally bump into each other 3-4x a year

Spring2021 · 30/05/2021 19:02

Extend an invitation for them to visit you once a month and just visit when you can or meet up for coffee or lunch at a half way point. If they don’t visit its them that have snubbed you.

Slippy78 · 30/05/2021 19:02

No. Probably about once a year?

funtimefrank · 30/05/2021 19:05

We see my mum for Sunday lunch as a standing invite - she normally comes to us and stays for most of the day. Before my dad died we'd see them once every two weeks or so but visits typically shorter.

We don't mind and she's close to dds. My dads illness was very short and they were married for 50 years with each other as best friends so she didn't have much of a social life without him and COVID has meant her plans to build one were limited. So knowing she has us on Sunday gives her structure. But she does have to work around us and I do kick her out if I have chores or need to get ready for Monday.