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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forgetting birthday AIBU?

56 replies

Windmill312 · 30/05/2021 16:03

Hi all,

Today's my birthday. It's not been a great day really. Almost everyone I know forgot including parents/siblings/other family/friends. I hadn't really mentioned it to anyone, do not surprising really. I haven't had any cards or presents, not that it's important I suppose, it just feels a bit sad.

Anyway, I've been in a LDR for nearly two years and as such, I'm not spending the day with my OH, as he is working. Not a problem, we saw each other a couple of days ago and spent the day together. No card or gift from him either, but I did say he didn't need to get me anything when he asked, so I'm ok with that.

Here's the thing, I've already needed to remind my OH twice this year when my birthday is. I've spoke about it fairly often in recent weeks in relation to the plans we had a couple of days ago. I had a lie in this morning and woke to no happy birthday texts. From anyone. Nothing from OH either. An hour or so later he sent me a nice good morning text and asked if I had any plans for the day. No mention of my birthday, so I reminded him again. He was quite sheepish and said he's not great first thing in the morning (it was probably about 9.30/10ish).

I'm not sure if it's just because of the lack of communication from other friends and family today, but I feel quite put out by OH's forgetfulness. I don't know if I'm being overly dramatic and I should just let it go though.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 30/05/2021 16:08

No, that’s completely ridiculous. Really bad and I certainly wouldn’t hold back on making clear how angry and upset I was. Happy birthday, OP!

Wuurg · 30/05/2021 16:09

That's really crap of him. I'd be disappointed and upset. Happy birthday to you FlowersCake

Original poster
Windmill312 · 30/05/2021 16:14

Dumpable offence, or not quite?

OP posts:
Original poster
Windmill312 · 30/05/2021 16:14

And thank you!

OP posts:
thisplaceisweird · 30/05/2021 16:16

Dumpable offence for sure!!

That really sucks op, sorry

NeedNewKnees · 30/05/2021 16:19

Happy birthday! 🎂🥂
I hope you spent it in sunshine and have has a nice time on your own

JackieQueen · 30/05/2021 16:22

Wiitshing you a very happy birthday, windmill CakeFlowers. I'm always amazed at how thoughtless people can be to their loved ones.

MiddleParking · 30/05/2021 16:27

@Windmill312

Dumpable offence, or not quite?
You decide what’s a dumpable offence! You’re really not obliged to feel grateful that he’s not worse, or to think he would have to be x amount of thoughtless and useless before you could chuck him. Put it this way, no boyfriend of mine would ever be forgetting my birthday.
PercyPiginaWig · 30/05/2021 16:32

Happy Birthday OP. 🎂

I think it's a bit crap of OH but I also think you could just say that actually your birthday does matter and you felt it was a bit of a damp squib generally and would like to celebrate properly next year (if you don't dump him!) and maybe have a special meal or cake when you next meet up.
There's no point saying your birthday is not important and then being annoyed when he takes it literally.

My DH who really doesn't give a shit about birthdays actually told me he didn't want anything one year, so I didn't get him anything. Then on my birthday he didn't get me anything as 'we'd agreed not to do presents this year'. No DH, you didn't want a present, I never said I didn't!
He knows not to do that again. It's how your OH reacts going forward that matters imo.

Hope you have managed some kind of indulgence.

Original poster
Windmill312 · 30/05/2021 16:37

It's not really that I said it's not important, I just said he didn't have to get me a gift. It just feels a bit thoughtless. He's great in other ways but it does make me question if he's serious about me. Last year, I didn't hear anything from him until mid afternoon, and that was only because someone had put a happy birthday message in a WhatsApp group we were both in. We'd only been seeing each other nine months or so then, so I didn't want to make a big deal of it.

OP posts:
Wuurg · 30/05/2021 16:40

Doesn't sound like he makes you feel special or cared for.

Merryoldgoat · 30/05/2021 16:40

I don’t get this - you told him not to get you anything and purposely played it down. Why do passive?

I’m don’t need a ‘big production’ but I like presents and cake (which I generally sort myself) and I mention it in the lead up.

I say how I want to celebrate and ask DH what he’s buying me and provide a few ideas.

If you want presents and recognition talk about it abs remind people ffs.

Original poster
Windmill312 · 30/05/2021 16:42

I didn't expect a present, I did say that in my OP, I just thought a happy birthday message this morning would be nice. I have spoken to him about my birthday, I said that too. That's how I was able to tell him he didn't need to get me anything and why we saw each other a couple of days ago.

OP posts:
Eviethyme · 30/05/2021 16:45

To be fair 2 years in and he's forgetting a birthday. Lus even if someone says not to bother getting them anything surely they should still get a token gift like chocolates or wine or something like that?

InTheDrunkTank · 30/05/2021 16:45

That is lazy as hell. I'm massively scatty and disorganised and don't care much about birthday but important people I put into my calendar and I would make sure they got a birthday text and something to arrive on the day (at the very least a card, but probably a small gift too).

When you told him he didn't need to get you anything did you say you didn't want anything or just that he didn't have to if he didn't want to. If the latter I think he could have at least bothered with something even if just a token gesture. Sounds like it's all a bit too much effort for him.

thisplaceisweird · 30/05/2021 16:55

When someone says 'i don't want anything' any decent partner would still do something to show they care. At the very least a card.. or flowers, helium balloons, a box of brownies... All possible for less than £30 and 15 mins on the internet. Not good enough.

ScottishNewbie · 30/05/2021 16:59

100% a dumpable offence.
It's not about the size of a gift or money spent, it's about him showing you that you are special, that he thinks of you and takes the time to remember things that are important. To me it's a red flag going forward for other areas of life.

Livebythecoast · 30/05/2021 17:19

Firstly, Happy Birthday OP FlowersCake.
Secondly, aside from your thoughtless OH, I'm sad to read no-one else remembered? Unless you don't have a good relationship with your parents/siblings (if that's the case, I'm sorry), how can they forget what day you were born on? Sad

Melitza · 30/05/2021 17:26

I’d be more annoyed with your parents.
Who forgets their child’s birthday?

Custardo · 30/05/2021 17:34

happy birthday ! Cake

everyone likes to feel special on their birthday. i dont think you should have said no to a gift. it doesnt have to cost much.

i always like to reverse a situation to see whether AIBU - if you forgot his birthday he would feel upset im sure - same with your parents i'll bet - and that is how i would communicate it. i would say "in my shoes, if you were me and i forgot your birthday, it would be upsetting. "

BackforGood · 30/05/2021 17:38

I voted that YANBU to feel sad, but I don't get this behaviour of
a) not mentioning your birthday to anyone
b) telling him you didn't want anything then being upset when he follows instructions.

Some people like to celebrate their birthdays. Others don't. If you do, then get your diary out a few weeks in advance and ask whoever you want to celebrate with if they want to go for a meal / meet for drinks / go for afternoon tea / pop round to spend an hour in your garden / whatever suits you. Don't mope through life 'accepting' that no-one has remembered - remind them!
I'd be a lot more cross with you parents / siblings / friends who have known you all your life and not bothered, tbh.

Wearywithteens · 30/05/2021 17:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BigHeadBertha · 30/05/2021 17:47

There seem to be other issues here as well, but I'll just add that that whole fake, humble self-effacing thing is not cute, it's boring and annoying.

You DO want your birthday to be remembered, so act and speak accordingly.

OldTinHat · 30/05/2021 18:01

That's so rubbish OP. I would be upset too. But - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! 🍹🍸🍷🍰🎂 Sending you very many happy returns!

Wearywithteens · 30/05/2021 18:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.