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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Forgetting birthday AIBU?

56 replies

Windmill312 · 30/05/2021 16:03

Hi all,

Today's my birthday. It's not been a great day really. Almost everyone I know forgot including parents/siblings/other family/friends. I hadn't really mentioned it to anyone, do not surprising really. I haven't had any cards or presents, not that it's important I suppose, it just feels a bit sad.

Anyway, I've been in a LDR for nearly two years and as such, I'm not spending the day with my OH, as he is working. Not a problem, we saw each other a couple of days ago and spent the day together. No card or gift from him either, but I did say he didn't need to get me anything when he asked, so I'm ok with that.

Here's the thing, I've already needed to remind my OH twice this year when my birthday is. I've spoke about it fairly often in recent weeks in relation to the plans we had a couple of days ago. I had a lie in this morning and woke to no happy birthday texts. From anyone. Nothing from OH either. An hour or so later he sent me a nice good morning text and asked if I had any plans for the day. No mention of my birthday, so I reminded him again. He was quite sheepish and said he's not great first thing in the morning (it was probably about 9.30/10ish).

I'm not sure if it's just because of the lack of communication from other friends and family today, but I feel quite put out by OH's forgetfulness. I don't know if I'm being overly dramatic and I should just let it go though.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

OhSayWhat · 30/05/2021 18:07

Happy birthday

I wouldn’t dump him over it but I’d be having a conversation about it with him. I’d be annoyed with my parents too.

Peachesarepeach · 30/05/2021 19:27

That's seriously shit. It makes me wonder how much you value yourself in a relationship? Did you not have a conversation about what you wanted to do for your birthday? My husband is pants at presents (I now buy my own) but I'm clear that I want to go out/ go for dinner/ get a takeaway and have some wine. I expect them to celebrate with me, even if I do the instigation.

Peachesarepeach · 30/05/2021 19:29

Sorry just seen you did remind him twice (poor reading skills, I'm sorry).

Yup I think you need to have higher expectations and I'd definitely be discussing that with him. I think his reaction will tell you what your next actions are.

HideousKinky · 30/05/2021 19:34

It's your parents I'm astonished at more than your OH!
I cannot imagine ever forgetting any of my DCs birthdays

SaturdayRocks · 30/05/2021 19:38

I’m not a big birthday person at all (comes with having it at Christmas), but I do expect friends and family to remember and acknowledge it. DH makes a big deal about it because it’s at Christmas.

I don’t understand why you’ve down-played it so hard. You have very much made him think it’s not a big deal. Why tell him not to get you anything? That’s for him to decide. I’m guessing you told him that because you knew he probably wouldn’t get you anything, but this way it seems like it’s your choice.

Of course - absolutely of course - he should have still remembered and acknowledged it.

But your total down-playing of it has, well, down-played it, and so it’s not A Thing in his head.

If there was the usual expectation to get you something - even if just a card, the day would much less likely have passed without him completely forgetting.

I’m also sorry that everyone else forgot, too. What’s up with that?

LouHotel · 30/05/2021 19:40

I think you need to consider how this ldr is working. 2 years is a turning point for a relationship.

Its sound like your not missing the gift aspect of your birthday but the connection of a significant other being there. I think you need to change your perception of your worth.

Your parents are equally shit for not communicating but as an adult the emphasis is on you to arrange a dinner, lunch ect..

SaturdayRocks · 30/05/2021 19:43

No card or gift from him either, but I did say he didn't need to get me anything when he asked, so I'm ok with that.

It’s quite clear that you’re very much not OK with that.

As I say, I would not be either. At all. Which is why I wouldn’t tell my DH not to get me anything.

EveningOverRooftops · 30/05/2021 19:54

Forgetting my birthday is a major major issue.

Honestly, I’m a December born so if all those fuckers running about can remember Jesus’s birthday, someone they don’t give a fuck about, they can easily remember mine.

I have ended relationships because of the lack of care for remembering it’s my birthday especially when I remember theirs.

I don’t expect presents but a ‘hey it’s your birthday!’ Is the very least a partner should do.

Original poster

Windmill312 · 30/05/2021 19:58

I didn't really downplay my birthday to him. He said what do you want for your birthday and I said you don't have to get me anything, to which he said ok. I wasn't expecting anything,I added that part to my OP just to give a full picture of the story.

We saw each other a couple of day ago because it was coming up to my birthday, it was to celebrate. We went for food and a few drinks together and it was a lovely evening. I'm fine with him not being here on the day, as we've already celebrated. I was just a bit hurt this morning because he started a conversation with me with no mention of it being my birthday. When I reminded him, he admitted he totally forgot because he's 'not good' with mornings. Maybe I'm overreacting, it's just the radio silence from almost everyone I know today that has got me down a bit and maybe I'm projecting all that on him.

OP posts:

Wannabangbang · 30/05/2021 20:02

Happy Birthday op i hope you managed to make your day special even if for yourself x
I would be upset with your dp but even more so your parents. Can't imagine ever forgetting my dc birthday

CatsPyjama · 30/05/2021 20:11

Your parents, friends and siblings forgot? That’s proper shit! I’d be more pissed off about that. You shouldn’t need to mention to your bloody parents when you were born.

Original poster

Windmill312 · 30/05/2021 20:14

@CatsPyjama

Your parents, friends and siblings forgot? That’s proper shit! I’d be more pissed off about that. You shouldn’t need to mention to your bloody parents when you were born.

You're probably right. I think my frustration is just aimed at OH because it being my birthday has been part of an ongoing conversation recently when planning to meet to celebrate etc, whereas I haven't mentioned it to friends and family.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 30/05/2021 20:16

I never think it's a good idea to encourage someone to not bother showing you they care about you.

I would think his behaviour is poor.
It's certainly not about money but if he can't be arsed to show he cares enough to acknowledge your birthdate, I really wouldn't see the point.

As for family and close friends, very poor.
Sorry OP.

Many happy returns.🥳

Beautiful3 · 30/05/2021 20:18

Happy birthday op. I think you ought to explain to your partner how upset you were, not to receive a nice birthday text. Could you do a generic message to friends and family thanking them for their birthday wishes, and let them think about that one!

Ginger1982 · 30/05/2021 20:38

I had an ex who acted like this, though he seemed to get a kick out of it. On my birthday one year, he didn't mention it. I was at work and he randomly called me but didn't mention it. I said, 'do you have something to say to me?' He said, 'oh yeah, happy birthday. Come to the window.' For a tiny moment, I thought 'oh my God, he's going to be across the road waving with flowers, how romantic.' I went to the window and looked out. Nothing. I said, 'what am I meant to be looking at?' He said, 'nothing, fooled you!' He got dumped pretty sharpish after that.

If he can't be bothered putting in the effort, why should you?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 30/05/2021 20:41

@Windmill312

Dumpable offence, or not quite?

I'd get rid.

SaturdayRocks · 30/05/2021 20:52

We saw each other a couple of day ago because it was coming up to my birthday, it was to celebrate.

In that case, he’s really thoughtless and inconsiderate.

If this is verging on deal-breaker territory (which it should be), then it can’t actually do any harm to just tell him that you’re hurt and it’s not OK.

Then it’s up to him to either react defensively, or take it on board and do better.

BackforGood · 30/05/2021 21:56

We saw each other a couple of day ago because it was coming up to my birthday, it was to celebrate. We went for food and a few drinks together and it was a lovely evening. I'm fine with him not being here on the day, as we've already celebrated.

I'm even more confused now.
So you are now telling us that you and your partner have actually celebrated your birthday

Original poster

Windmill312 · 30/05/2021 22:01

@BackforGood

I'm even more confused now.
So you are now telling us that you and your partner have actually celebrated your birthday

I said that in my OP? I said we spent the day together a couple of days ago and we've been talking about my birthday recently in relation to meeting a couple of days ago? I said I was fine with not spending the actual day together because we spent the day together a couple of days ago. I don't really know how else I can explain that really.

I'm upset because several times this year, I've had to tell him when my birthday is. After a couple of times I got a bit miffed, as this isn't a new relationship. Yes we saw each other on Friday and had a nice time. I woke up this morning and thought I'd have some kind of gushy/cute message wishing me happy birthday, I didn't. An hour or so after I woke, he sent a casual good morning message making general conversation and asking if I had any plans today, when I told him it was my birthday, he told me he'd forgotten. I'm not sure how else I can explain that either.

OP posts:

KarmaStar · 30/05/2021 22:39

💐💐💐💐🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍸🍸🍸🍸🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🌞🌞🌞🌈Happy Birthday windmill....!!I hope you had a lovely relaxing day in the sun,doing whatever you liked.
You don't need him!you deserve someone who makes an effort.🌈

BackforGood · 30/05/2021 22:51

You said you spent the day together - I read that as "spent the day together", like you presumably do on a regular basis. I didn't infer from that that you'd arranged a special day / evening / food and drinks "to celebrate" your birthday.

SaturdayRocks · 30/05/2021 22:52

It’s OK - it makes sense @Windmill312 - it’s the fact that he totally forgot on the day itself.

That’s not OK.

Actupfishy · 30/05/2021 22:55

That’s rubbish for you. And rubbish of your friends and family! Happy Birthday 🎂🎂

3CCC · 30/05/2021 22:56

Happy Birthday @Windmill312 🎂🎂🎂

That is a dumpable offence IMO I'm afraid. Birthdays are important to me and I have broken up with someone for a much more petty birthday related misdemeanour

Love51 · 30/05/2021 23:05

You need to be clear. If you don't want a present but do want a card, say that! I find it odd that my partner gets me a card, as growing up you didn't exchange cards with people who lived in the same house as you (probably a money saving tradition!) I don't care about cards but do want to be able to share a cake with my family on my birthday. Even if we go out for a meal. I felt odd explaining this to DH, like he should just know it via telekinetic osmosis, but as he didn't, talking was the solution.
If he's thoughtful generally I wouldn't dump over this. If he's generally selfish and thoughtless, it might be the back breaking straw.

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