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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about mother in law?

64 replies

blueskies19 · 30/05/2021 12:46

I am feeling very hurt and upset regarding my mother in law. Each time I talk to her she is very friendly and kind but each time during our conversation, without fail, she says to me not just once but a few times how very lucky I am to be married to her son and how very fortunate I should feel to be married to him. She's now started to say it to my husband as well saying to him about how very lucky his wife is to be married to such an amazing man as him. I find it makes me feel unworthy and not good enough to be married to him and I feel useless and I have started to avoid family events because of it. I'm not aware that she says it to the other two daughter in laws and they have confirmed with me that she does not say it to them although as they live in Australia and Italy they are not able to meet up regularly and have only returned to the UK once since their marriages a few years ago. I'm feeling very upset by it and dread each time hearing it from my MIL because it makes me feel so unhappy and sad and useless and makes me feel that I am not worthy to be part of the family.
I feel that it is now affecting my 2 sons as well who wonder why I'm avoiding family events.
AIBU about this?

OP posts:
squashyhat · 30/05/2021 12:49

Every single time she says it respond with "why do you not think he is the lucky one?"

pregnantandsensitive · 30/05/2021 12:50

YANBU - I can't believe she would do this. Something is very wrong here. I would ask her straight out, why she's always telling me that and that it doesn't come across well.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 30/05/2021 12:50

I would say 'we're both lucky!' Every time

Blossomtoes · 30/05/2021 12:51

Just say “Yes, he’s wonderful. You did a fabulous job, MiL. It’s great that he’s so lucky to have me too”. Presumably you think he’s pretty amazing and you’re lucky too?

Pagwatch · 30/05/2021 12:51

My own mum constantly tells me how lucky i am to be married to my husband.

Ive started taking the piss by enthusiastically and loudly agreeing with her. It really works.

Fnib · 30/05/2021 12:53

'Yes ‐ we're both lucky, MIL'.
What does your husband say?

Original poster
blueskies19 · 30/05/2021 12:57

Thank you so much for all your responses. Yes I do feel very lucky to be married to him and very fortunate but I guess hearing it constantly from my MIL makes me feel inferior and not worthy and gives me the understanding that she she obviously doesn't think I'm good enough for him.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 30/05/2021 12:59

"If only FIL had been as lucky, eh?"

Original poster
blueskies19 · 30/05/2021 13:01

My husband doesn't say much about it. He does acknowledge how it would come across and says try to just ignore it or change the subject.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueskies19 · 30/05/2021 13:14

Do you all think that the the message my MIL is intending to give to me every time she says how lucky I am to be his wife is that I'm not good enough to be married to him?

I know that my friend's mum said this same comment to her daughter's husband constantly and she definitely did not approve of her son in law and felt that her daughter could do significantly better. Is this what's happening in my situation and is this the message my MIL wants to convey to me?

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 30/05/2021 13:19

none of us know your MIL, what she thinks, what she trying to say.
maybe she thinks you are not good enough
maybe she thinks you are not as appreciative of him as she think you should be
maybe she thinks he's a dick and she's trying to big him up
maybe she thinks you are on the point of leaving him

who knows
But beyond being annoying, why are you worrying about it?

JudgeJ · 30/05/2021 13:22

@Pagwatch

none of us know your MIL, what she thinks, what she trying to say. maybe she thinks you are not good enough maybe she thinks you are not as appreciative of him as she think you should be maybe she thinks he's a dick and she's trying to big him up maybe she thinks you are on the point of leaving him

who knows
But beyond being annoying, why are you worrying about it?

If his MIL was saying the equivalent, what a wonderful wife you have etc. I assume it wouldn't be a problem!
FourteenthDoctor · 30/05/2021 13:23

Come on op grow a backbone and tell her to stop - or as pp say "so is he"

Stop avoiding family gatherings that's just ridiculous

Fuckitsstillraining · 30/05/2021 13:25

If its bothering you this much you have to do something about it, maybe at the very start of every visit say'MIL you know I'm so lucky to be married to your little darling, now that we've got that cleared up let's not mention it again today'.

Pagwatch · 30/05/2021 13:29

JudgeJ

Thats an odd take on what i said. Where did i say its not a problem? I said upthread my mum is overly effusive about my DH so no, i dont think its ever fine
Its clearly weird and annoying but the op sounds worried and anxious about figuring out what is behind it, to the extent of avoiding family events. Doesnt it seem likely to fall into 'rose tinted view of her child' territory.

PercyPiginaWig · 30/05/2021 13:30

Maybe she doesn't say it to the other wives because your DH is her favourite?

In any case I would say 'we're both lucky' and DH should be saying that to her too.

If she persists you could say 'yes lucky with DH, less so with the in laws'.

PinkiOcelot · 30/05/2021 13:31

Not as lucky as he is being married to me!!

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/05/2021 13:31

Steady stare, 'really' and then change the subject.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/05/2021 13:34

@blueskies19

Do you all think that the the message my MIL is intending to give to me every time she says how lucky I am to be his wife is that I'm not good enough to be married to him?

I know that my friend's mum said this same comment to her daughter's husband constantly and she definitely did not approve of her son in law and felt that her daughter could do significantly better. Is this what's happening in my situation and is this the message my MIL wants to convey to me?

It may be her intention, it may not. She might just be totally lacking in insight as to how it may be coming across. And in some ways, her intent matters far less than its effect on you. Even if she means it harmlessly and it's just her equivalent of filling in the silences by talking about the weather, it is upsetting you and affecting your behaviour "(I have started to avoid family events because of it)."

I wonder if you suffer from low self-esteem?

I would suggest getting yourself a standard response. I'd probably go with something along the lines of 'Yes, I am lucky to be his wife - almost as lucky as he is to be my husband!' accompanied with a bright smile and a chuckle if you can manage it. You may even find she responds to that with 'Yes, he is'!

Pagwatch · 30/05/2021 13:35

Ive just realised my MIL thought i wasn't good enough and told my DH that all the time and my mum thinks I am incredibly lucky to have him so this is all close to home/
Fortunately i know Im lovely so im fine with it. Grin

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 30/05/2021 13:36

MY mother says how lucky I am to be married at all to my husband Hmm lots of "how do you cope" questions to DH!

She doesn't like me never has so she thinks it's astonishing that anyone else does Grin

Just try to ignore her - all that matters is that your husband & you both consider yourselves lucky Flowers

FrenchieFromGrease · 30/05/2021 13:37

None of us here are mind readers; we don't know your MIL's ulterior motives and inner thought processes.

Why are you letting this women intimidate you? Who cares what she thinks? Next time she says it say "we are both lucky!" With a big smile. If she keeps pushing it say "why do you always say that?" Then stare at her silently while you wait for her response. The silence is very important, it will force her to speak and make her think about what she's saying.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. Stop giving her permission to make you feel bad.

Plan B: move to Australia with her precious son, see how she likes those apples.

LizzieMacQueen · 30/05/2021 13:38

Oh, I wonder why your sisters in law have buggered off half way across the world!

quirkychick · 30/05/2021 13:39

I think you need to have a reply for her every time she says it and get dh on board. My mil didn't like my long hair and used to make barbed comments, I replied I liked it as it was every time. Dp also had a word and she stopped.

MachiaNelly · 30/05/2021 13:43

My elderly mil has always told me, for the past 25+ years, how lucky I am to be married to her son because "He's such a lovely man"

I recently lost patience and replied "He is most of the time, but then you don't know him as well as I do"

I feel really crap now because I think I've upset her. She's never said it since.