AIBU about mother in law?

[blueskies19]

I am feeling very hurt and upset regarding my mother in law. Each time I talk to her she is very friendly and kind but each time during our conversation, without fail, she says to me not just once but a few times how very lucky I am to be married to her son and how very fortunate I should feel to be married to him. She's now started to say it to my husband as well saying to him about how very lucky his wife is to be married to such an amazing man as him. I find it makes me feel unworthy and not good enough to be married to him and I feel useless and I have started to avoid family events because of it. I'm not aware that she says it to the other two daughter in laws and they have confirmed with me that she does not say it to them although as they live in Australia and Italy they are not able to meet up regularly and have only returned to the UK once since their marriages a few years ago. I'm feeling very upset by it and dread each time hearing it from my MIL because it makes me feel so unhappy and sad and useless and makes me feel that I am not worthy to be part of the family.
I feel that it is now affecting my 2 sons as well who wonder why I'm avoiding family events.
AIBU about this?

If my mil said that I’d just laugh

I'd say
'Gosh MIL do you know, I think you say this to me is every time we see eachother. I realise I am lucky, so is he. Shall we move on?'

I can't stand this sort of thing. Noone is perfect and relationships are give and take. She is being a dick.

Drink a large gin one day, and when she starts, simply ask her, very slowly and calmly and politely; "forgive me, is your point that I am not good enough for your son?"

And if she says "no of course not" and you think she is being disingenuous, say something like "well I thought I would ask, as you repeat it every time we meet"...

...and then stop talking, stay absolutely quiet, and let her stew in her own juices for a bit.

Tell her that yes you are lucky in many ways to have him as your Dh, but it's a shame that luck doesn't extend to the bedroom. Might shut her up.

This is really annoying.

My MIL has a thing about men being more important than women. I have a number of examples of ways I am irritated. Also it's brag brag brag about SIL (their daughter)

I don't visit much and just keep quiet.

But in your situation I would just get dh to have a word. My dh told mil not to keep ringing me if It wasn't urgent (he knew what was going on)

notaroad

Hi OP

I agree with the posters above who said this really may not be about putting you down but just pure adoration of her son . I can totally understand how it would make you feel crap though - I would not like it either !

Only you know her, is it done with real malice or just a blind maternal pride ? Maybe just really look at her next time she does it and try and see. Or try and send the message to her that it’s an odd comment for you.

It would be good if your husband can chip in with how lucky He is , and put his arm around you .

My Grandma did this to my Mum once (luckily her best friend overheard and chipped in with how lucky my Dad was) but both my Dad’s parents actually adored my mum , thought she was perfect for Dad and loved her even when they divorced . So although it’s hard , please try not to jump to a wrong conclusion about this , as it may be she is not intending to hurt you at all . I hope so anyway .

If it’s truly intentional , it’s very mean . What does your gut say ?

Thank you for all your responses

I guess my gut is telling me that she is saying it partly through maternal pride as he really is very talented in everything he does as well as also being very kind but also I do genuinely feel there is an element of her really believing that he could do very much better than me.

I would laugh and say-‘don’t you think he’s lucky to be married to me?!’ Every time.

You can’t cause offence then.

I would laugh in her face and say, “ha, I can tell you haven’t lived with him for a few years.” Then I would sweep serenely away.

I’d just find new ways to point out he isn’t perfection on legs every time she did it. Your husband may be the best fucking husband that ever husbanded, but that kind of mummy-worship gets on my tits so I’d have to unfairly knock him down a peg just to try to shut her up.

My own mum says it to me all the time about how lucky I am to have my husband!

I do genuinely feel there is an element of her really believing that he could do very much better than me

Unless YOU think this is true, surely it doesn't matter what she says?

I can't quite see why the comments bother you so much. Feeling unhappy and sad and useless and unworthy seems a bit of an overreaction and makes me wonder if there is more underlying your response. Maybe you need to consider why this sets you off and ask yourself if you have confidence and self esteem issues generally or feel insecure before in relationships or with the DH now.

Even if they are being said snidely (and they may not be, as others have pointed out) there are ways to handle them as others have said. My own mother used to say I was very lucky to have the exH and gush over him, as if she was mildly surprised I'd managed to get someone nice to marry me. I just ignored it or did what other posters have suggested and say 'yes we are both really lucky to have found each other".

Is she a bit dim? What an annoying and possibly hurtful thing to say time and time again!

I would go for the Why? approach. When she says it, ask "why do you think that MIL?" Make her verbalise it.

Then say calmly that yes you are but also he is lucky to have you. State the fact. Ask her if she agrees, if you dare!

But also, get dh to act more - get him prepared to tell her how lucky he is. Force it down her throat!! Get him on your team.

Don't ignore it, it's a shame to miss out on family get togethers if you would like to be there really.