AIBU about mother in law?

[blueskies19]

I am feeling very hurt and upset regarding my mother in law. Each time I talk to her she is very friendly and kind but each time during our conversation, without fail, she says to me not just once but a few times how very lucky I am to be married to her son and how very fortunate I should feel to be married to him. She's now started to say it to my husband as well saying to him about how very lucky his wife is to be married to such an amazing man as him. I find it makes me feel unworthy and not good enough to be married to him and I feel useless and I have started to avoid family events because of it. I'm not aware that she says it to the other two daughter in laws and they have confirmed with me that she does not say it to them although as they live in Australia and Italy they are not able to meet up regularly and have only returned to the UK once since their marriages a few years ago. I'm feeling very upset by it and dread each time hearing it from my MIL because it makes me feel so unhappy and sad and useless and makes me feel that I am not worthy to be part of the family.
I feel that it is now affecting my 2 sons as well who wonder why I'm avoiding family events.
AIBU about this?

There are so many ways you can deal with this, if reply 'and he's even luckier to be married to me!' With a big smile

To be affecting your sons is OTT

Well to my ears she is telling you loud and clear that she doesn't think you are "good enough" for her DS.

I would probably respond with "not as lucky as he was, eh?" and a wink and a quick change of subject. If she persists, then yes, just have it out with her. Tell her that she says this so often, it's almost as though she thinks you aren't good enough

Does she have a DH on the scene? Maybe keep saying positive things about him and how lucky she is to have him?

Don't let it bother you, but DH needs to have your back. If the DC are asking why you don't see MIL, just say it's because she says unkind things to you.

My horrible MIL says this too.

It's because she's got a cluster B personality disorder and everything has to be a reflection of her brilliance.

@MolyHolyGuacamole

There are so many ways you can deal with this, if reply 'and he's even luckier to be married to me!' With a big smile

To be affecting your sons is OTT

Affecting who's sons?! I think you've misread one of OP's posts

My grandma has said this to my mother (she has been her daughter in law for 40 years) my dad said to my grandma that he's very lucky to have a lovely wife and that he wouldn't be the lovely person he is today if it wasn't for her!
(Very true my dad openly said that he sometimes acted a little spoiled when he first met my mother and self centred).
Your hubby needs to nip this in the bud!
My grandma has never said anything like that again

Also she has said to me and my sister that we're lucky to have such a lovely dad! We replied that we're blessed to have fantastic PARENTS!!

Definitely Hubby needs to say something before it affects the children!

My mother used to constantly compare my DH (who is lovely) with my sister's (not at all lovely - eventually they divorced) and end with "You're very lucky you know" which was always said very meaningfully and implied my sister had deserved the good luck of having the "nice" husband, not me. This happened over many years, the resentment coming off both my mother & sister in waves. It made me feel awful too OP and it is a relief to realise I am not the only person this has happened to

@SkodaKodiaq from the bottom of the OP: I feel that it is now affecting my 2 sons as well who wonder why I'm avoiding family events.

This is OTT

[quote MolyHolyGuacamole]**@SkodaKodiaq* from the bottom of the OP: I feel that it is now affecting my 2 sons as well who wonder why I'm avoiding family events.*

This is OTT [/quote]
I disagree. An unhealthy dynamic between any in laws and parents, will affect children in some ways.
My grandmother on my mum's side, really disliked my Dad. It really upset me whenever my Dad would avoid going to family events and especially when I overheard things.

She might not be putting you down. She just thinks the sun shines out of your dh butt

I’d go for You know the funny thing is mostly people are telling me he’s lucky to have me. But you are his mum so I guess you have to think of it that way!
Then I’d tell my dh that if he couldn’t manage a warm I’m lucky to have her at the next rendition his mum could fuck right off, you've explained it hurts you and so you are bowing out if he doesn’t have your back. You can tell your sons that people don’t have to go to things all the time, I don’t love the way grandma talks to me so I stay away. No need to bottle it up, easier to be clear on how you feel!

You could try saying something nauseatingly soppy such as "Yes I am truly blessed and I wuv him SO SO MUCH".

Your DH might start thinking that she says it too much.

She probably thinks he's a wonderful son because the other two have buggered off abroad

It can be difficult to shut up people who are determined to say something.

Every time she comes over, even when I've tidied up, my MIL pass-agg says 'Is your cleaner still coming?' and eventually I said to her 'Look, we're always going to have a cleaner, you can assume the cleaner is still coming, you don't have to ask'

Still says it though.

As @Pagwatch says, though, we don't know your MIL or what's behind her saying it. One of those cases where all you can do is manage your response to it - maybe ask DH to say something about how it's making you feel and aks her to knock it off though.

My mum probably doesn't actually say this to DH, but she definitely thinks it! It's not that she dislikes him at all, she thinks he's great, it's just that she loves me so much and genuinely thinks I'm amazing

Please don't let it upset you so much. I'm sure it's just that she's so proud of her son, not anything bad about you. I agree with saying "yes we're BOTH lucky" or similar. Avoiding family events just for this reason seems like a real shame (unless there's other stuff you're not telling us).

Thank you so much for all your replies. Much appreciated.

I would very much like to have a discussion with my MIL when she will almost certainly say it again but fear it won't go down well and I won't know exactly how to phrase it correctly without causing a major family rift!!

I think I will have to just take the approach a few of you have mentioned along the lines of "oh yes I'm so incredibly fortunate " and then try and change the subject or leave the room very quickly before getting too upset.

So sorry to hear a number of you have had similar experiences to this. In life people will always have favourites and my DH has confirmed to me that no one would be OK in his mother's eyes so I guess I just have to accept that will the case and just try and block the comment out each time she will inevitably say it to me.

I think she probably thinks you're not pampering him and adoring him enough.

My suggestion would be for your DH to start going on about how amazing you are and how lucky he is to have you.

Good suggestion 'namechangingforthis19586'

I will see if he can do this :-)

YANBU.

It’s one thing to say it and another to say it every time you visit over and over again.

Next time, smile politely and say “oh.. in what way?” Make her explain it. Also add.. “Isn’t DH also lucky to have me? Aren’t we both lucky to have found each other?”

She’ll look pretty foolish if she cannot say something nice and you will definitely know for sure how she sees you.

Good luck OP.

I think I'd have to start gushing about how lucky my husband was to have me!

I often say to my husband how blessed I feel being married to him. I've also said it to his mum a couple of times yet I feel I need to emphasise to her how much of a fab husband her son is. I tell her to be very proud she and her (late) husband did so well (although his brother isn't that great) so I guess personality has something to do with it too.

I wonder if this is something I should refrain from doing especially as she certainly feels her son could have done better. She's nicer to me now but was cold till almost a year after we got married. Last Christmas her other son said if their mum could marry his brother she would. She simply smiled and didn't deny it. He's her favourite child.

My MIL does this to me but based on her other behaviours this is very mild. I have never taken it to mean that she doesn't think I am good enough. I take it to mean that she is boasting about what an amazing mother she is and I should be so grateful for her brilliance. My MIL is very self centered and so I am just presuming it is about her. Perhaps your MIL is different.

My mil used to say this to me all the time. She also once hinted I should leave him so he could find someone better.
Remind her that your husband chose you. “Yes I am lucky. Some poor women aren’t adored by their husbands. DH and I have such a good marriage. He loves me so much. He would do anything for me.” On and on in that vein. Think of one or two to respond with, and then your husband can chime in.
It won’t change how your mil thinks, but it will make you feel better.
It’s not pleasant having that kind of disapproval as an undercurrent when you see her: I can see why you want to avoid her. But you’ll feel better if you speak up and affirm yourself, as well as if your husband does. My mil never said it in front of him.