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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caring for 3 year old son

53 replies

soul83 · 29/05/2021 01:22

I am really worried about my job. I work full time night shift and my wife decided to fight and run off at the last minute forcing me to bring my sleeping son to work. I called my parents to come and get him but they live 1.5hrs away. They got in contact with my wife and she agreed to come and get him.

Now I'm in big trouble for bringing a young child into my office and for security letting her into the building unaccompanied!

I can't take much more of this nonsense. I work full time night shift (it won't be much longer at this rate) and I also try to study part time nursing.

My parents are trying to throw me a lifeline to take in my son and I if I choose to separate. My wife also throws things and carries on at me. Goes right off the deep end. She refuses counselling etc. Blames it all on me. I'm a useless, stupid husband who doesn't contribute to the family and just takes up space. My wages aren't good enough for her and so by default my job is not important.

She works real estate and has 3 investment properties. I pay the mortgage, insurances, bills etc. Buy majority of my son's food and clothes.

Every day when I'm night shift I go home and take him to school. Sleep a few hours and then pick him up or be up to feed him and take care of him before she gets home from work. Yesterday I didn't get to clean the home but took time out feed him, bathe him, do 2 loads of washing, bring in the dry clothes and send him to bed to sleep.

There really wasn't any need for there to be a fight. Her yelling and throwing things was terrible. I guess I never shut up when she told me to so she got more angry at me by reaching my face and trying to reef my mouth off.

I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't want to get a warning letter and bad record but I feel like the drama before my night shifts has gone on for too long and now I'm going to get a serious wake up call.

Even my parents are tired and angry. I'm not sure what else I could do apart from calling work and saying she took off and I need last minute carers leave. But they can discipline that short notice as well. My son's safety is paramount though.

That's why I chose to bring him with me and then contact my parents to come and get him. I couldn't imagine the trouble I could've been in if he stayed the entire night.

The work are mandatory reporters too so they could report this :(

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 29/05/2021 01:42

Clearly you need to leave, she sounds completely nuts. Does she have post natal depression or has she always been like this?
Sometimes you just need to end a toxic relationship so everyone can get some space.

GingerScallop · 29/05/2021 04:21

Sounds like you need a plan out of this relationship. I realize you may worry about what will happen to your son and how you will balance your work bit thousands of single parents somehow manage every day. You can reach out to Mankind.org.uk or on 01823 334244, or to Mensadviceline.org.uk or on 0808 801 0327
Both specifically deal with male victims of domestic violence
Am sorry this is happening to your son and to you

Original poster
soul83 · 29/05/2021 04:58

Thanks for the replies and validation that I'm not going crazy. Work are going to investigate and I may get a formal warning from this as I've breached OHS with him being there and my wife also broke security protocols by being there after hours. A real mess.

OP posts:
Nothingwillcomeofnothing · 29/05/2021 05:02

She doesn’t sound “ nuts “ she sounds at the end of her tether.
You say that your child’s safety is paramount so could you give up work and be a stay at home dad, and maybe put your studies on hold for a while.

Wallywobbles · 29/05/2021 05:03

This will get nasty but you need to see a mediator to work out how to share care fir your child post separation.

Nothingwillcomeofnothing · 29/05/2021 05:14

I’m just thinking that if you were caring for your son, and not working outside of the home, you wouldn’t have to put up with “this nonsense “ anymore and there would indeed be “any need for a fight “ and even your parents wouldn’t be so tired and angry.
Try it until the 3 year old is maybe 6 or 7, if nothing is improved, crack on with the “ investigations”.

Nothingwillcomeofnothing · 29/05/2021 05:17

@Wallywobbles
I don’t think it needs to get nasty, why would you think that.
He needs to look after his child, that’s all, why should things get nasty

User629202 · 29/05/2021 05:20

@Nothingwillcomeofnothing

She doesn’t sound “ nuts “ she sounds at the end of her tether. You say that your child’s safety is paramount so could you give up work and be a stay at home dad, and maybe put your studies on hold for a while.
Absolutely nuts. No woman would ever be told ‘just give up your job ajd education and be financially dependent on your spouse’ if her partner was walking out on her and her kid at the last minute to prevent her from going to work (not to mention throwing things and picking fights).

OP’s partner doesn’t sound ‘at the end of her tether’, she sounds abusive.

OP, you don’t have to put up with this. You and your son deserve better.

Jennyfromtheculdesac · 29/05/2021 05:21

@Nothingwillcomeofnothing

She doesn’t sound “ nuts “ she sounds at the end of her tether. You say that your child’s safety is paramount so could you give up work and be a stay at home dad, and maybe put your studies on hold for a while.
Are you joking? Would you be suggesting a mother with an abusive husband gives up her job to become fully financially dependent on her husband?
Nothingwillcomeofnothing · 29/05/2021 05:25

I obviously stand corrected
and I apologise for any offence caused..

Nothingwillcomeofnothing · 29/05/2021 05:38

Except I’m not sorry!
Or maybe I am?
We only know soul83’s side of the story after all.
I mentioned a stay at home dad
Do we even know their gender.
So no, I wasn’t joking 🙃

Original poster
soul83 · 29/05/2021 05:39

Just to clarify the investigation is the boss checking what happened which will involve security and camera footage. Executive may take it further bit I don't think it will lead to dismissal.

OP posts:
GingerScallop · 29/05/2021 06:19

@Nothingwillcomeofnothing

Except I’m not sorry! Or maybe I am? We only know soul83’s side of the story after all. I mentioned a stay at home dad Do we even know their gender. So no, I wasn’t joking 🙃
True we know one side of the story. But that is the same when women come here to talk about their abusive husbands. We have to believe victims of domestic violence otherwise that is why people - men and women in abusive relations don't report abuse (Oh its just one side of the story) and some end up dead.

If he wasn't working outside the home, are you kidding? Some people need to work to eat you know? If we all stopped working to look after our children... Oh well

CoalCraft · 29/05/2021 06:31

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP, it sounds like you are facing emotional and physical abuse, and your wife would like to add financial abuse to that as well. Can you be absolutely sure that she isn't similarly aggressive with your son? Sadly many domestic abusers do not limit their abuse to just their partner. Sorry, I know you probably don't want to hear that.

I think you need to approach a domestic abuse charity for advice and ultimately look at involving the police

3Britnee · 29/05/2021 07:16

@soul83

Thanks for the replies and validation that I'm not going crazy. Work are going to investigate and I may get a formal warning from this as I've breached OHS with him being there and my wife also broke security protocols by being there after hours. A real mess.
Can you turn it around on them as a duty of care type thing?

Can you transfer to nearer your parents?

3Britnee · 29/05/2021 07:18

@Nothingwillcomeofnothing

Except I’m not sorry! Or maybe I am? We only know soul83’s side of the story after all. I mentioned a stay at home dad Do we even know their gender. So no, I wasn’t joking 🙃
Wtf is wrong with you? Confused
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 29/05/2021 07:30

Do your parents still work? Can one of them move in for a bit to look after your son?

Talk to your manager. Tell them how sorry you are, but also explain about the abuse you get at home, the stress, the worry. Hopefully they will be understanding and offer some support. Ideally, you'd get some time off too to deal with what's going on properly.Long term you will more than likely have to find a day shift, because the relationship with your wife cannot continue and you will have to be around for your child.

Ring the charities the previous poster has suggested and see a solicitor. You can't continue living like this. I'd even say police if she gets physical . Your son can't be in this toxic and abusive environment, especially not during his formative years.

You need to accept the situation for what it is, an abusive/toxic marriage and take steps to break free.

AFS1 · 29/05/2021 08:26

@Nothingwillcomeofnothing

She doesn’t sound “ nuts “ she sounds at the end of her tether. You say that your child’s safety is paramount so could you give up work and be a stay at home dad, and maybe put your studies on hold for a while.
Why are you suggesting the victim of domestic abuse should give up their job and their studies to appease their violent and abusuve partner?

Was the victim asking for it by having the audacity to work and study? Change the genders round in the scenario given by the OP and you might realise how wrong your advice is.

OP your priority has to be keeping yourself and your child safe. At the moment, from what you’ve said, that means moving you both to a place of safety away from your partner.

Original poster
soul83 · 29/05/2021 12:29

Thanks for the replies and I can see there's a lot of divided opinion. My parents are getting older and they plan to travel once my dad retires at the end of next year. They've told me they can't help out to look after my son. Even if I now left, they have refused to offer help. However, I still believe that the door is open to taking my son and I in.

My father is still highly critical of me. Thinks I'll fail nursing, kill a patient or worse. That I'm too disorganised and too slow. Take too long to do any housework etc.

They don't believe me when I told them about how my wife just came home raising her voice at me. Yes our home is very messy at the moment.

I probably could do more if I worked harder and spent less time with my son. But I get tired some days and don't want to do as much housework.

I called the hotline and they said it's psychological abuse by not letting me get to my job in time.

I don't know what else to say anymore. Our son will get taken off us if we don't get our acts together.

As much as it hurts, I can cop some verbal criticisms but it gets too much when the raised voice doesn't stop. Yeah I should've left the situation faster before she got so upset as to walk out on us.

Her attitude is not giving a damn about my job and she blames me for her reaction. She should've stayed home with our son and thought about his safety first!!

OP posts:
Original poster
soul83 · 29/05/2021 12:33

If I lose my job, I lose my home and the ability to pay for my son. My parents will be so disgusted that i wouldn't blame them for not letting me come live with them. They won't want me freeloading off them and I wouldn't want to either!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 29/05/2021 12:38

Get your ducks in a row and start planning to spilt. Assume you will need a night nanny for DC on the nights stb ex doesnt have him.

Hankunamatata · 29/05/2021 12:39

Dont leave the shared home. Assuming you are married you have a stake in the home, your partner may want to buy you out.

Babbly · 29/05/2021 13:45

@Nothingwillcomeofnothing

She doesn’t sound “ nuts “ she sounds at the end of her tether. You say that your child’s safety is paramount so could you give up work and be a stay at home dad, and maybe put your studies on hold for a while.
Jesus fucking Christ. What a ridiculously ignorant and completely insane comment. You think someone should give up their financial security and independence and stay home with a child because their partner is violent!? Weird world you live in.
notapizzaeater · 29/05/2021 14:34

If the house is a mess could you pay for a cleaner to reduce some of the load on you ? Does she go off like this a lot ? Are you happy ?

3Britnee · 29/05/2021 19:59

Just call the police on her next time. You might get some help from agencies or charities etc then.

Are you in America op?