Caring for 3 year old son

[soul83]

I am really worried about my job. I work full time night shift and my wife decided to fight and run off at the last minute forcing me to bring my sleeping son to work. I called my parents to come and get him but they live 1.5hrs away. They got in contact with my wife and she agreed to come and get him.

Now I'm in big trouble for bringing a young child into my office and for security letting her into the building unaccompanied!

I can't take much more of this nonsense. I work full time night shift (it won't be much longer at this rate) and I also try to study part time nursing.

My parents are trying to throw me a lifeline to take in my son and I if I choose to separate. My wife also throws things and carries on at me. Goes right off the deep end. She refuses counselling etc. Blames it all on me. I'm a useless, stupid husband who doesn't contribute to the family and just takes up space. My wages aren't good enough for her and so by default my job is not important.

She works real estate and has 3 investment properties. I pay the mortgage, insurances, bills etc. Buy majority of my son's food and clothes.

Every day when I'm night shift I go home and take him to school. Sleep a few hours and then pick him up or be up to feed him and take care of him before she gets home from work. Yesterday I didn't get to clean the home but took time out feed him, bathe him, do 2 loads of washing, bring in the dry clothes and send him to bed to sleep.

There really wasn't any need for there to be a fight. Her yelling and throwing things was terrible. I guess I never shut up when she told me to so she got more angry at me by reaching my face and trying to reef my mouth off.

I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't want to get a warning letter and bad record but I feel like the drama before my night shifts has gone on for too long and now I'm going to get a serious wake up call.

Even my parents are tired and angry. I'm not sure what else I could do apart from calling work and saying she took off and I need last minute carers leave. But they can discipline that short notice as well. My son's safety is paramount though.

That's why I chose to bring him with me and then contact my parents to come and get him. I couldn't imagine the trouble I could've been in if he stayed the entire night.

The work are mandatory reporters too so they could report this :(

FYI - Your employer legally has to give you time off for dependants in unforeseen or emergency situations. They don't have to pay you, but they certainly can't discipline you. If this were to happen again, call and clearly say you are unable to come in due to a childcare emergency-
compassionate leave

I have messaged my wife and told her we need to talk. I'm hopelessly behind in my studies and I've spoken to the university about this. Actually just sent the Dean an email explaining the situation and that I can't cope and will need to withdraw.

I'm also going to speak with the university counsellors. I'm emotionally struggling.

I have very little time to do anything as I am constantly working and caring for my son. I work a lot of night shift and the combination of caring for him and doing it all alone is wearing me out.

Situations where she comes home and calls me useless and low EQ, poor contributor, loser etc are all abuse. It's so disruptive.

I'll give some examples. When I'm night shift I finish at 7am. I get home by 8 and then drop my son to daycare. I will then make a decision if I will stay up for a bit for a lecture or get some sleep. Most of the time I don't disturb my wife but sometimes she will be woken up and start swearing and shouting. It's then easier to be quiet and enjoy the time with my son. We quietly talk as I help him get ready.

Then in the evening I will go to pick him up from daycare at 6pm. Home by 6:30. Get his dinner and we sit to eat for about 45mins as he sometimes is a picky eater. After that it's almost 7:30. I will proceed to collect clothes from the line or make a meal for the following day. Wash up if there's time. Put on loads of washing and fold up clean ones. Bathe my son and by then it's about 9pm. I guess I'm too slow at housework. We will then play and go to bed. I will try to nap with him if there's time. Ideally out the door by 10pm. Sometimes I'm exhausted and don't want to wash up so I will want to leave it for the morning.

Will throw the trash and head into work. All would be going smoothly. Not always the cleanest of homes but at least I'm trying. But sometimes she will come home and want to feed him more food and then start yelling at me about the mess. How there's so many home projects I haven't done.

My father keeps blaming me and saying I'm too disorganised and I knew what she was like etc.

I have no more energy left to give. I tried to revise some notes but fell asleep last night. I've already given up. Not enough time left to listen to all the lectures and materials. I fell behind and couldn't do the readings. Just attended the tutorials and never really tried to review each week.

It got too hard. I was feeling demotivated and tired to review at work. It was all too much and I lost heart when I fell behind in my assignments.

I really don't want to give up the judging course but it's getting too much.

My parents told me they are too old to care for my son. Have to agree. I couldn't separate and expect them to raise him. So my workload would double overnight. No idea how I'd manage with shift work. I can't afford to leave my job or go part time. I have a mortgage and financial commitments. I have to be able to out food on the table first.

@Gmmllw

FYI - Your employer legally has to give you time off for dependants in unforeseen or emergency situations. They don't have to pay you, but they certainly can't discipline you. If this were to happen again, call and clearly say you are unable to come in due to a childcare emergency- compassionate leave

Thankyou. I'm aware of that. They'd still try to discipline me for calling so late.

What does she do? Does she do any childcare or housework?

Could you separate and get an au pair of some sort?

@Babbly
In your opinion.

@Babbly
You maybe don’t know OP as I do.
Give it up soul, don’t you know the game’s over.

[quote Nothingwillcomeofnothing]@Babbly
You maybe don’t know OP as I do.
Give it up soul, don’t you know the game’s over.[/quote]
Are you on drugs? Or are you the abusive wife?

@Babbly
Pick a side
and then decide..

@Nothingwillcomeofnothing

You sound deranged.

What person runs off away from there 3 year old kid risking there partner being fired and then having the 3 year old get dragged out late at night.

She sounds like she needs some mental help.
Not like he's doing nothing is it? Sounds like he does everything and works. He works, he does the kids morning routine and the night routine and the kids at daycare all day so what exactly does she do that enables her to have a go at him? Sure we only know one side but that's literally every post on mumsnet. She sounds abusive.

@Eviethyme
I accept how you think I sound.

Having worked nights before I agree that it’s actually very tiresome to work all night and then try to be awake for part of the day so you can get things done round the house and spend time with your child.

I used to do similar to you, worked the night came home I usually was back for around 5am and had a couple of hours sleep. Take the kids to school in the morning, come back home have breakfast, put on a wash etc and the have another sleep from 11ish-2pm when I would wake up again to pick the kids up from school, sort dinner and baths etc and then leave for work at 8:15pm.

I ran myself in to the ground and actually made myself depressed doing this, it took me quiet some time to realise I wasn’t coping with it. The main reason I struggled was the lack of a proper sleep routine and the fact that my sleep was so broken that really I was napping rather than getting good quality sleep. The problem with working nights is that there are some things in life that just have to be done in the day for example school/nursery runs, phoning X company about a bill, going to the post office/bank etc and all this eats into time where you really should be sleeping. You have the same issue except your trying to add study on top of all of that, and to be honest this may just be the straw that broke the camels back in terms of what you can reasonably cope with.

I’m not going to pass comments on your wife’s behaviour as it’s clearly not healthy but I also think she may be lacking in understanding how exhausting working nights is, and therefore completely underestimating your contribution to the household. It’s not at all easy to be on the opposite sleep/wake schedule to your family and impacts on everyone not just you.

My only suggestion for now would be to focus on what you can do to improve your home/work life balance. Would you cope better if you deferred your studies for now perhaps until your son is a little older, would it be easier if you worked days instead of nights, and is it at all possible to make this happen? What can you do to make home life run smoother, is it possible to batch cook a weeks worth of meals on your day off so that it’s easier and simpler to feed you/your family on work days? Is it possible to do all the washing on a set day rather than doing it daily? I suggest these and these were things I did and I found it helped me runs things a little more smoothly.

As for your relationship it doesn’t sound like a happy one, but considering what you’ve written it sounds like your not coping with work/home/study/childcare as it’s all a bit too much. Now maybe this is because your wife is expecting too much, and the load isn’t spread equally between you, or maybe she’s just at the end of her own tether with trying to balance everything too, I don’t know.

Have the two of you ever sat down and had a reasonable and calm conversation about who does what, and who’s responsible for what chores, and what you expect of each other?

@3Britnee

What does she do? Does she do any childcare or housework?

Could you separate and get an au pair of some sort?

She does housework occasionally. Relies heavily on me to do it despite us both working. She will take care of our son in the evenings when I'm afternoon shift a couple of days per fortnight.

She works real estate. A Chinese firm with non traditional hours. No retainers just 5k per contract signed and 20k total upon settlement after 2 years. All off the plan apartments and her clients are all Chinese. She targets them in the evenings after they finish their jobs. So she can be in the office until quite late. Sometimes up to 10pm.

She carries a huge debt to a private cteditor and carries the 3 mortgages which are paid by the 3 properties she rents out. Financially she is trying hard but in big debt. Pushes herself hard and sends some money back to China to support her parents.

So she thinks I'm lazy and not contributing enough but the only other expenses for her are her own food, some clothes for our son (I buy majority of them) and the petrol for her car (which is actually also mine because I just finished paying the 7 year loan on it). She also pays the daycare costs which amount to $800 per month. I pay the insurances, mortgage, utilities, car insurance, home insurance, internet, mobile phone etc etc.

I don't think we can realistically afford to pay an au pair. Maybe a cleaner though.

The more pressing issue at the moment is the fact she was willing to walk out on me and make me late to my job or risk it bringing my son in. I do worry what will be next. And she had no remorse. Telling me I'm stupid to disturb my parents in the middle of the night to come and get our son. Swearing at me and saying she is only coming to get our son out of pity for my parents and our son. Her exact words were "show you no mercy"...

Yeah it sounds like she is still suffering from a psychological disorder. She is seriously impacting my job. I emailed my school to say I need to defer the exams for this coming week and I told told the truth about the disruption in my family and how I may need to withdraw from the degree completely for the foreseeable future. I already used up the maximum time to complete it by the end of next year and cannot fail or repeat anything to get through by next year. They don't allow longer than 8 years including the semesters of leave. I have dropped whole semesters in the past to deal with major events like the birth of my son and her subsequent psychosis and courts (police took her to court and charged her with DV because she assaulted me, her mother snd damaged our home). Also took time off when I got overwhelmed by needing to move home into our apartment after it was built.

I've had a tough run of things and I have to finally admit defeat for my studies. I run into time management issues and get bogged down in emotions. I can score decently with distinctions and credits but frequently run out of time on assignments and don't get enough study done before exams...

@Lillygolightly

Having worked nights before I agree that it’s actually very tiresome to work all night and then try to be awake for part of the day so you can get things done round the house and spend time with your child.

I used to do similar to you, worked the night came home I usually was back for around 5am and had a couple of hours sleep. Take the kids to school in the morning, come back home have breakfast, put on a wash etc and the have another sleep from 11ish-2pm when I would wake up again to pick the kids up from school, sort dinner and baths etc and then leave for work at 8:15pm.

I ran myself in to the ground and actually made myself depressed doing this, it took me quiet some time to realise I wasn’t coping with it. The main reason I struggled was the lack of a proper sleep routine and the fact that my sleep was so broken that really I was napping rather than getting good quality sleep. The problem with working nights is that there are some things in life that just have to be done in the day for example school/nursery runs, phoning X company about a bill, going to the post office/bank etc and all this eats into time where you really should be sleeping. You have the same issue except your trying to add study on top of all of that, and to be honest this may just be the straw that broke the camels back in terms of what you can reasonably cope with.

I’m not going to pass comments on your wife’s behaviour as it’s clearly not healthy but I also think she may be lacking in understanding how exhausting working nights is, and therefore completely underestimating your contribution to the household. It’s not at all easy to be on the opposite sleep/wake schedule to your family and impacts on everyone not just you.

My only suggestion for now would be to focus on what you can do to improve your home/work life balance. Would you cope better if you deferred your studies for now perhaps until your son is a little older, would it be easier if you worked days instead of nights, and is it at all possible to make this happen? What can you do to make home life run smoother, is it possible to batch cook a weeks worth of meals on your day off so that it’s easier and simpler to feed you/your family on work days? Is it possible to do all the washing on a set day rather than doing it daily? I suggest these and these were things I did and I found it helped me runs things a little more smoothly.

As for your relationship it doesn’t sound like a happy one, but considering what you’ve written it sounds like your not coping with work/home/study/childcare as it’s all a bit too much. Now maybe this is because your wife is expecting too much, and the load isn’t spread equally between you, or maybe she’s just at the end of her own tether with trying to balance everything too, I don’t know.

Have the two of you ever sat down and had a reasonable and calm conversation about who does what, and who’s responsible for what chores, and what you expect of each other?

I do batch cook on my 5 days off work. I work a schedule of 3 days + 7 nights and then 5 days off. First day is wasted resting and exhausted. But I use that time to clean up the home for anything that was neglected during the week.

Each week I would attend tutorials too during the semester which ate into some time. 2 hours of which was 8-10am each Friday morning before day or after night shift...

I can probably try harder to be better organised I guess. Sometimes I was trying to complete study when it's quiet at work because I work alone answering phones. But then some nights I would be so demotivated and tired that I would end up just watching a video or pacing the room to keep awake.

I will have to look at better organising my life I guess. I was still getting between 4 and 7 hours sleep on the night shifts.

The major disruption in my life is her coming home to carry on at me and ask what cleaning I did. My father pointed out already that I waste too much time. This morning I've already spent at least 30 mins writing into these forums. That's 30 minutes I could've used to help wash up and bathe my son. So I can definitely see where I can lose time. Spending too long on the loo writing these. I'm getting counselling to address that.

I don't have time for myself. I spend the time on the home and caring for my son and my only "hobby" is a small mobile game that I log into each day for around 15 mins. That's all. Sometimes I go days without logging into it.

I don't get exercise and my weight has increased a lot. I gave up on dieting. I also don't have time for friends etc. My 5 days off usually consisted of using time to make phone calls, go shopping, batch cook and attend some classes. I worked out I have about a 6 hour window each day for 3 days Mon-Wed to do stuff whilst he is at daycare.

Counselling to address time management etc. I have struggled with that all my life. Recently has been pretty good for getting to work on time as she has been coming home earlier to take over. I am also talking to the counsellor about how I'm not coping with life in general at the moment and why I keep trying and flogging a dead horse with my studies etc.

You aren't stupid and I suspect that you don't have time management issues. You are simply struggling with having to do too much on your own.

It is well documented that many night workers gain weight. I've read that it is caused by a combination of sleep deprivation and hormonal changes. Given the amount of work you in the home, I doubt you are getting anywhere near enough sleep. Something has to give and it needs to be the stress you're under to do all the housework.

You say that your wife had post partum psychosis, is she still getting treatment for that? Medication or psychiatric care? If she isn't, it sounds like she definitely needs it. Domestic violence is NEVER acceptable, regardless of the mental state of the perpetrator.
For the sake of your mental health and the safety of you and your son, you need to call time on this relationship.
You need to start preparing. Make sure you have all your son's documentation (birth certificate, passport etc) and any and all documents relating to the house and finances filed where your wife cannot access them. A safety deposit box is always a good idea.
Investigate the cost of having a live in au pair. That way you will still be able to work.
Is the mortgage in your name only? If so, it will make it easier for you and your son to stay in the house.

If she attacks you again, for God's sake call the police. She has been charged with DV before and this will all help when it comes to divorce and custody.

Sorry this has been so long. Sending you hugs and best wishes.

Thankyou very much. I feel utterly defeated. I need to have a serious talk with my wife tonight. I hope it doesn't deteriorate. I feel depressed about my studies and probably having to give them all up.

I feel very upset about my job too. I don't want a warning letter or feel like my job is in jeopardy. All I want to do is sleep. But I need to be there for my son. I'm going home this evening and dealing with the pigsty home.

I already did a big grocery shop for food and I will bulk cook this week on my days off.

I reached out to the university lecturers, year coordinator, Dean and the counselling service. I can't cope anymore. I waste a lot of time it if I am to believe my father and I always try to argue back to defend myself when it's not always appropriate to do so. I have to recognise I have a big time management problem and that I can't see my problems. Why else would a lot of people in my life be taking issue with me? I've had encounters where people don't trust what I say and accuse me of lying.

I'm fairly resilient but my wife's actions have ratcheted up and now I have to worry about my next lot of night shifts...

9pm is very late for a 3yr old to go to bed. The day sounds difficult and it doesn't sound like you are getting enough sleep op.

@Wishingwell75

9pm is very late for a 3yr old to go to bed. The day sounds difficult and it doesn't sound like you are getting enough sleep op.

I think so too. Sometimes he is more tired and sleeps earlier. If he had a better routine, I could definitely have a better setup for uninterrupted housework and study time.

My wife on the other hand will stay on the bed on her phone communicating with clients when she is at home and leaves my son unattended. I've witnessed it first hand. I've also seen her keep him awake until after midnight because I've come home after doing a 2:30-11 shift and found him awake.

It just feels like so many things are going wrong that could be fixed if I was better organised and more proactive. I take the full blame of slacking off when getting tired. I was so buggered today that I reversed into another car at the shop :( first night after night shift my body wakes at 3am...typical. doctor prescribed melatonin and it was working bit I stopped it when I was feeling drowsy when I woke up. Might give it another try.

My doctor encouraged me to speak to his practice psychologist. Maybe it helps. I do feel low and very upset at the prospect of having to give up my studies that I worked so hard for.

My parents want me to talk to the psychologist to figure out what keeps me there and why I don't just leave. Also for time management issues.

@soul83

My doctor encouraged me to speak to his practice psychologist. Maybe it helps. I do feel low and very upset at the prospect of having to give up my studies that I worked so hard for.

My parents want me to talk to the psychologist to figure out what keeps me there and why I don't just leave. Also for time management issues.

To be clear, I've made up my mind that I want to separate if she tries to pull off a stunt like that ever again and forces my family up in the middle of the night to care for my son.

Its interesting that you say if she does it again, rather than the time she did do it being the unacceptable line in the sand.

She sounds like she's got proper issues and you sound downtrodden and brainwashed, with all this talk of your bad time management. Anyone doing everything on their own as well as full time college would have time management issues.

Just leave her now, get an au pair that will do nights too and carry on with your course. Au pairs are cheaper as board and food are part of their wages.

Make her leave so she has to pay you child support so you don't have that extra pressure. Start building your case for custody from now, by reporting every incidence of aggression to the police.

Very sorry for the OP’s suffering. Do not give up your financial independence and career whilst being abused (or at other times either but that’s just me).

I’m curious to see what transpires with the clearly deranged @Nothingwillcomeofnothing - are you okay?

My Dean of the school and the tear coordinator met with me today on Zoom. Said I'm too far gone to pass and that even if they were to accept my late assignment, I'd be facing failure anyway because I would have to scrape a pass. It means I cannot complete within the maximum 8 years and the degree has changed 3 times since I started it anyway.

Part of me is desperate and wants to hang on. The other part thinks it's fate and that I should deal with my personal life first before continuing.

I can't take anymore leave of absence so I'm facing almost certain failure. I'm in 2 minds as to whether or not to bother putting in the assignment tonight or just walking away from what is rapidly becoming a lost cause.

They refused to budge on the 50% pass mark despite the assignment being worth 71% original mark.

If I walk, there's no guarantee I'll get back in again. So the only benefit would be to have a break for a year and then think about starting over or getting some credits. Pretty sad state of affairs.

The counsellor may shed some light on this too.

It's going to feel boring and lonely without the study there to fill in the time. It's been part of my life now for so long. Feels like losing a part of myself :(

Update: a positive development from the school. They are talking about granting me leave for 12 months and then transferring me to the new nursing program along with credits for subjects already completed. If granted, this will give me just under 12 months to get my life in order and get my act together.

First priority is to clear out all the junk from the storage and clean up the mess of my home. Sort out all my important papers into an easily transportable file and minimise the amount of stuff that I have. Clearing out all the junk will be positive for my mental health anyway.

I'm taking this olive branch as a sign of getting things right with my job, sorting out what I would need to take if I'm forced to leave and putting my son and I into a good position to take action on the state of my marriage.

It feels like I'm not walking away from my dream but I'll also be empowered to stand up and go. I won't have to try and manage a family breakup or crisis in the middle of exams and study. Because I'm already standing at the edge and trying to make up my mind.

I'll use this year very wisely. Pick up some hobbies, build my confidence back, resilience and focus on what matters most: my own mental health, physical health and the wellbeing of my son!!