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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I forget argument with parents and move on?

63 replies

Cocopogo · 28/05/2021 18:47

Teenage DS stropped off to GPs when I told him to tidy up before we head out.
He was due at a club I’d already paid for, it was a crucial schedule (letting team down etc)
I went to GPs to take him to club and GPs blocked me and said we both need to calm down. Only thing that was making me annoyed was them telling me to go home and calm down! A stern word and look to DS would have had him in the car and on his way and by time he got there we’d have probably been laughing or at least a few hrs with team mates and he’d have been fine. But GPs wouldn’t let me in their house! I didn’t want to cause a scene on doorstep so I went home and heard nothing all day then DS was dropped off at teatime, hungry and expecting to be fed.
The next day I went to GPs and told them I was annoyed with them withholding DS and him missing club as a result. They hit back with an assassination of my parenting over the years which left me tearful and sad and I was told to go home and I haven’t heard from them since nor have I contacted them. I can’t get over the mean things they said and how they view me, a lot of it fuelled by DS stropping and exaggerating such as “mum makes me clean everything” “mum always shouts” “mums lazy”
which translated to I’m a cold parent, I have anger issues and I should do more for DS as even though he’s almost an adult he’s still a child. I feel very hurt by this and shocked that my parents think like this about me and I don’t know where to go from here. I know they are expecting me to forget and move on, they won’t ever acknowledge any wrong and even if they did apologise (which I don’t think they ever would) it still won’t change how they view me and it hurts.
We’ve lost so much time do to Covid, shielding etc and they aren’t getting any younger but I don’t know how to move on.
YABU - just forget about it and act like nothing has happened and go round for a brew like nothing happened
YANBU - leave them to it if they want to see me then they should apologise and have open discussion about why they think that

OP posts:

mainsfed · 28/05/2021 18:55

YANBU, break this habit where they get away with things like this. Just don't contact them and when they do tell them they need to apologise.

thelegohooverer · 28/05/2021 19:09

I think I’d give it a few days so you can have a cool head and then I’d go around and talk it out.

Presumably they have your dd’ best interests at heart but allowing a teen to be playing one parent off against the other, or in this case grandparents against mum, is really poor.

It’s brilliant for a teen to have a safe place to go and vent about mum. But the moment they started getting between you and him, is where they stopped being safe for him.

My aunt was my safe person and she listened and sympathised and quietly gave my dm a heads up now and then. Once or twice I stayed with her in a strop but she was clear that I could only do so with my dm’s permission. She had great boundaries.

I would listen to what your dps say, gently let them know they’re being played and make it clear that you are the parent and they need to get into their lane and be gps. They’re doing your ds no favours. If you can do that without falling out, brilliant. But if not, then that’s the point where I’d be drawing my lines.

That’s assuming that there isn’t genuine cause for concern - only you know whether you should be taking a long hard look at your parenting.

CloudyDayForecast · 28/05/2021 19:20

So you have been a shit mum for years, but they just stood idly by and have only brought it up now? What amazing grandparents they are..

campion · 28/05/2021 19:33

If you pull up the drawbridge your relationship won't improve. They'll probably say you're proving their point, unfortunately. Nor should you carry on as though nothing happened as that not fair to you.

As thelegohooverer says, give it some time and then try to have calm discussion. Easier said than done, especially after the hurtful things they said.

But, yes, they need to be supporting you or at the very least, not interfering and making your son feel he's got power over you.

Billybagpuss · 28/05/2021 19:53

That’s so hard for you OP, how old is ds and how old are you dps?

I saw the title and was fully expecting to say move on and forgive, but I know my dm would never do that, yes you look out for your dgc but you support your dc and don’t fall for a teenage strop fest. I honestly would give them some distance for a while.

Aprilwasverywet · 28/05/2021 19:55

I went nc with my dm mostly over her criticism of my parenting...
Best part of 20 years now...

purpleme12 · 28/05/2021 19:57

That sounds hard
I'd find it hard to forgive them

chickenyhead · 28/05/2021 19:59

YANBU As GPS they don't get to make parenting decisions. They way overstepped their role, you aren't a 5 year old.

Your DS exploited their willingness to interfere. I would make him call and apologise for his absence. I hope he heard how they spoke to you and he feels suitably guilty.

Personally I would step away for at least a few weeks and see how I felt. They are physically capable of apologising, they choose not to. What will instantly forgiving them show your DS about your value?

Outrageous.

Custardo · 28/05/2021 20:04

oh who do they think they are - being terribly un pc here - and you are probbly a much better person than i - but you are mum. mum is god. mum holds all the power. it just is.
now...your mum subconciously know this and is using this against you - you need to remind your mum that you are THE mum right now and she needs to back the fuck off

your say if final. they are your child. if my mum witheld my child the police would be called - no joke

DancesWithFelines · 28/05/2021 20:09

They shouldn't be pulling rank over you with your own child. What was your own childhood like with them?

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2021 20:11

They've overstepped the second they allowed themselves to be in a situation of them vs you, and undermined you regarding your child.

It's beneficial for teens to have somewhere to blow off steam when they have conflict with their parents, but like thelegohooverersays there has to be boundaries.

Their actions in this situation would make me wonder what else they've been okaying and saying to DC in other situations.

warmandtoasty2day · 28/05/2021 20:13

says more about them really, slagging you off like that.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/05/2021 20:13

I dont think either of your options are good tbh. They're both just ignoring it. What's your relationship like in general? Why have they just taken the word of a stroppy teenager and undermined your parenting? If they think you're 'cold and have anger issues' why wait til your son is 15 before saying anything? What more do they realistically think you can do for him than what you're already doing (which I bet is a hell of a lot) and even if you did do more, what benefit do they think it would be in the long term? Can they not acknowledge how damaging it is to have a place he can go to where they tell him the opposite of all the rules at home? Would you have got away with his behaviour when you were his age? These are all things I'd discuss with them. Maybe somewhere neutral and public so no one loses their temper. Before deciding the best course of action.

BigHeadBertha · 28/05/2021 20:16

From what you've posted, this is outrageous. I would not allow anyone who was not my minor child's parent to bypass me and act as if they were, at any time. You could have had them arrested for denying you access to your child.

They'd not be seeing my child anymore, until and unless I was satisfied that they had learned proper boundaries.

Brefugee · 28/05/2021 20:20

I'd send DS to live with them and see how long it is before the novelty wears off. And then make him stay a month longer.

I can't be putting up with this type of rubbish. Also I'd be marching DS over to the team he let down to make him apologise to them in person.

FreezeMotherHubbard · 28/05/2021 20:34

Grinded my teeth just reading that at their over-stepping although depending on your DS age (I know you said teenage but 18 & 13 are a lot different) he may not come out of it well either.

Elieza · 28/05/2021 20:56

You said you have anger issues. Do they presumably know that?

So when DC ran round telling them all sorts of shit, probably about how strict and shouty you are at poor little him, would they think back to what you were like with your anger issues and therefore have nothing but sympathy for him and were protecting him from big bad you.

Honestly I think I’d find it difficult to talk to them if I was so shocked by their allegations I could barely respond. So I think I’d go down the letter route. Addressing all the points they raised. I’d keep it calm and factual. And mention that DC was using them to get his way so he didn’t have to go to a paid club which he let his team down by missing. They may show it to DC so don’t say anything you don’t want him to hear. Address things like how you’re helping him by teaching him housework and cleaning is very important as one day he will have his own house. Etc. To show you’re not being cruel you are trying to instil good values and morals in him as you love him and want him to be happy.

With regard to DC I’d suggest that you don’t want this to happen again as it’s a waste of your money, and if he doesn’t want to continue with the club he can go to another one. (What you won’t have is him sitting at home on the computer games at the time the club would be on as he needs to get out and exercise, however if he wants to go to GPs house for a visit or he absolutely can since they are so close).

saraclara · 28/05/2021 21:25

I used to escape to my GPs when I was annoyed by my parents too. Looking back, I'm pretty certain that my DM and DGM communicated while I was on the way between them. But nothing was ever said, no reference ever made about why I'd suddenly turned up there (I never said, I just saw it as a retreat from the angst) and nothing said when I got home again. And that's how it should be.

Maybe point out to your DPs how they'd have felt if their parents had interfered in how they brought you up?

ThePearSquare · 28/05/2021 21:35

I’d pack his stuff up and drop it off on their doorstep along with your DS.
Let them see how happy they are that a scruffy almost-adult can’t be bothered pulling his weight, and expects them to just put up with it all with a smile.

toocold54 · 28/05/2021 22:04

I think it’s good that your son has someone he can go to and I think if you were upset they were doing the right thing by wanting to calm the situation.
If they think your parenting isn’t up to scratch they might be extra judgemental or they might have a point. Why not think about what they said (which would have come from your son) and have a think if you do have anger issues etc. We can all be better parents.
I’d not fall out with them as your son obviously cares for them very much but I’d probably distance myself until I’m calmer.

toocold54 · 28/05/2021 22:05

Maybe point out to your DPs how they'd have felt if their parents had interfered in how they brought you up?

I completely agree with this.

Cherrysoup · 28/05/2021 22:20

If this were a relationship, people would be telling you he was abusive. They can’t keep getting away with this.

MinnieJackson · 28/05/2021 22:38

Sorry ok but you've previously admitted slapping your children on here, you took away your daughters clothes, toys and CD player because she wouldn't tidy her room. You admit you have anger issues. Maybe you should just have a think about what their saying and maybe you might be able to see some ways to help your relationship with your son a little.

saraclara · 28/05/2021 22:51

Sorry ok but you've previously admitted slapping your children on here, you took away your daughters clothes, toys and CD player because she wouldn't tidy her room. You admit you have anger issues.

Ah...

chickenyhead · 28/05/2021 23:46

It doesn't sound like the GP were innocent of beating the OP throughout her childhood. I hate it when people dreg up old threads in this unbalanced way.

So maybe the OP isn't perfect, but neither are her parents in a position to judge her.

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