Should I forget argument with parents and move on?

[Cocopogo]

Teenage DS stropped off to GPs when I told him to tidy up before we head out.
He was due at a club I’d already paid for, it was a crucial schedule (letting team down etc)
I went to GPs to take him to club and GPs blocked me and said we both need to calm down. Only thing that was making me annoyed was them telling me to go home and calm down! A stern word and look to DS would have had him in the car and on his way and by time he got there we’d have probably been laughing or at least a few hrs with team mates and he’d have been fine. But GPs wouldn’t let me in their house! I didn’t want to cause a scene on doorstep so I went home and heard nothing all day then DS was dropped off at teatime, hungry and expecting to be fed.
The next day I went to GPs and told them I was annoyed with them withholding DS and him missing club as a result. They hit back with an assassination of my parenting over the years which left me tearful and sad and I was told to go home and I haven’t heard from them since nor have I contacted them. I can’t get over the mean things they said and how they view me, a lot of it fuelled by DS stropping and exaggerating such as “mum makes me clean everything” “mum always shouts” “mums lazy”
which translated to I’m a cold parent, I have anger issues and I should do more for DS as even though he’s almost an adult he’s still a child. I feel very hurt by this and shocked that my parents think like this about me and I don’t know where to go from here. I know they are expecting me to forget and move on, they won’t ever acknowledge any wrong and even if they did apologise (which I don’t think they ever would) it still won’t change how they view me and it hurts.
We’ve lost so much time do to Covid, shielding etc and they aren’t getting any younger but I don’t know how to move on.
YABU - just forget about it and act like nothing has happened and go round for a brew like nothing happened
YANBU - leave them to it if they want to see me then they should apologise and have open discussion about why they think that

I think it’s impossible to know who’s right here between you and your parents. Normally, no, grandparents should not overstep, but based on some of your previous threads, someone needs to. @MinnieJackson may or may not have gotten the full picture from your post threads about your daughter, but you DO have one very recently on 9 April about an argument with your son, over him having back pain for 2 years, and whether you should call the doctor or not (when people lambasted you for having a child in pain and never calling the doctor, you countered, “Those saying poor child, he does actually have a mobile and can navigate Google. He’s more than capable of getting the number and calling himself and walking the 5 min walk to the Gp, he’s not a baby, he’s just a typical lazy teen who expects everything to fall from the sky” - I don’t know if that’s a cold parent or not. Maybe your parents think it is. Several MNers thought it was. You didn’t).

Then your comment at 18/3/2021, 19:30, on a thread asking, “Have you ever pushed over your teen dc?” You said, “No, but I’ve slapped them a few times.” Again, maybe your parents now believe that qualifies as anger issues, even if they previously used corporal punishment with you. And since you’ve admitted to using corporal punishment on two of your children, maybe your son didn’t feel confident this time he’d just be getting a “stern word,” or that an argument over tidying wouldn’t escalate, and he’s never been slapped by his GPs.

What your parents said may have been overly harsh. But it’ll it possible that you do have some issues and you’re overwhelmed by your children and maybe need some help of some kind? Because it sounds like your parents may not have gone about it the right way at all, but they were trying to point out some real problems.

agree with above.
i felt there was more to this somehow.
it was the phrase about the son returning at tea time and expecting to be fed. as if that was unreasonable.
now i'm all for not molly-coddling children, esp older ones, but even i feel there are issues here OP, that you really need to honestly examine.

They may be concerned for their grandchild. You do need to talk like adults. Maybe you were being angrier than you think.

You need to work on your anger issues. That's the most important thing you can do.

Yanbu op

I'd have been fuming that they stopped you speaking to your son, that's massively overstepping your boundaries. As for character assassinating you, that would be it for me!

I'm all for gp being involved with their gc, but they should have discussed it with you at the time and adhered to your wishes, he's not their child to parent. YOU are his parent and they should be working with you, not against

It really is such an emotive topic and must be horrible having your parents say nasty things to you. You're not unreasonable for being upaet, nobody likes arguments, especially with family. I don't think it's fair that people want to go at your son though. It is good for kids to see adults look at their behaviour and perhaps sometimes admit they may not have handled things in the best way.

OP have you sought help for your anger issues yet?

Just caught up with the thread. There’s some interesting points.
Pulling up the previous threads was harsh but I guess it reminds me that my parenting must look unsteady at times to my dps who perhaps bit their tongue over it for years. But I guess the difference between them and I is that I always feel anxious about my parenting like I’m never good enough for DC and I’m always reflecting how I can do better. Whereas I honestly think my parents have never given it a second thought. Different times though.

I have text my parents along lines of not happy with the situation, over stepping and how that affects DS safe space and how he won’t be able to trust and come next time.
That was translated as DS doesn’t trust you and doesn’t want to see you ever again. They called my DS and told him this. DS said that wasn’t true and now thinks I’m a liar and told my DD not to trust me because I tell lies. The whole thing is a mess.

@Elieza what anger issues?

It's never too late to sort things out OP. I'm sorry for mentioning the post about your daughter. I suppose I thought it might make you think of things they could be thinking of and maybe help your family become closer by seeing things from others perspectives. I'm really sorry to read that your parents hit you. Is your relationship with them normally ok? You're right and I agree it's mostly only good parents that worry about if they're doing a good job!

Oh you poor love, this is awful. I had similar with my mum and I have never recovered from it. It was horrible and I can never forget it. She never apologised and our relationship never really recovered before she died due to me being wary around her from then on as I never wanted to be exposed to that again. I still don’t feel angry but incredibly hurt to this day.

@MinnieJackson it’s ok, it’s good to look at things more balanced especially when feeling hurt/emotions involved.
I usually have a good relationship with them. They’ve never over stepped before with my DC and as a single parent they have been quite involved I.e seeing them a couple of times a week.

I would never criticise them as I know they would just shut it down and I’d get the silent treatment, I suppose like I’m getting now. I just thought they knew I wasnt perfect but was a good mum and trying my best but it hurts that that isn’t really their opinion. I now spend time laying in bed at night thinking of all the things I do to the contrary of their opinion. How they can think I’m cold is beyond me. I love my DC and as a single parent I spend loads of time with them, we play board games most days, movie nights, lots of holidays where we all shared a big hotel bed and watched cartoons together. Lots of cuddles, both DC still give/get hugs when they leave for school and go to bed etc.

OP I was referring to the anger issues mentioned in your post that was your parents thoughts not yours, apologies for misreading.

Re your update about DCs safe space at GPs house being affected and he won’t be able to go any more, you’re implying that you won’t let him go to again but surely that isn’t correct as he needs their safe space, whatever other posters have said and I don’t think that’s the way to go.

He could go there whenever he wants and that’s presumably what they told him. They are clearly dead against your style of parenting and this is heading towards you and they going NC. What could happen though is your son could seek sanctuary with them and move in permanently. Is that what you want? I can’t imagine so. Although there an irony to it, they/he wouldn’t be a bed of roses eachother thinks the other one is!

Sit him down and explain there has been a misunderstanding, that you love him very much and he can see GP when we he wants. That all you do for him is because you want him to grow up to be a capable, successful and confident person with domestic skills. That you are sorry that sometimes you lose the plot but life is hard and expensive and we don’t have money to waste on clubs he refuses to attend, which kicked this whole thing off originally.

Id suggest you speak to GPs if you can remain calm, or send them a letter and explain stuff how you see it, calmly and respectfully.

Lots of mixed messages going on here. They may have overstepped but how does that affect his safe space and whether or not he trusts them.

@Houseplantmad I’m sorry to hear that. My mum isn’t in the best of health and this is what I’m most afraid of, likewise if I go round and bring it up I don’t know if it can be resolved. It seems to have change the dynamics and I was looking forward to Covid finishing and spending time with DM

@sweeneytoddsrazor because kids need boundaries to feel safe and they trust adults to enforce them and I believed they over stepped them.

I most certainly wasn’t suggesting DS doesn’t see them. He’s old enough to go whenever he wants, except when he has other priorities. My text was probably clumsy but my DPs should know me well enough to know what I meant and if they thought I’d said something like that then they should have called me to talk things over not call my DS and younger DD.

Rereading that sounds like I’m making excuses. That’s not my intention. I’m predominantly hurt by their opinion of me, I’m also angry from them reading my text out to DS and making a bad situation worse.
I don’t even know what I want to happen from here. I guess I want them to apologise but I know they won’t and they don’t think they have done anything wrong.

YANBU.

They sound hideously manipulative. Basically shit-stirring by going to your son and telling him what you text (whilst simultaneously twisting your words to make you look bad).

Not sure what I'd do really as it's easy for me to say to step back and maintain a distance from now on, but that's what I'd want to do.

OP, I didn’t mean to be harsh by bringing up past threads or comments; MN is a place where a lot of us bring our problems so of course, we may look like we’re going from one disaster to the next sometimes, because that’s when we need the advice and support of (mostly) other women. The problem is when you start going outside the norms, like using corporal punishment on your children, that someone needs to say something, I think. I’m very sorry that your parents hit you, VERY sorry, and unfortunately, those who are hit are probably the last people who want to hit their children and yet they are the most likely to do so. And while it may seem unfair, the same parents can have a very different relationship as grandparents since they don’t discipline your child.

While I don’t know exactly what happened the day your son left for their house (whether you just said, “DS, can you please tidy up,” and he went, “No! I don’t have to do what you say! I’m going to the GPs!” And then slammed out the door), but if it really was just him refusing to tidy up, then I doubt him moving out and living with the GPs will be a good solution for either of them, as they will have to come to terms with each other and him needing boundaries, like you have said.

Unfortunately, it does sound like your text has made a bad situation worse. I am NOT trying to be unkind, but what good did you think the text would do? You started this thread because you feel your parents have been extremely harsh and completely misjudged you as a parent, yet you think they would give you the benefit of the doubt over a confusing text message. I think maybe you’re under an incredible amount of stress right now, and it’s making everything more difficult. To fix this situation for now, I agree with Elieza. I’d sit your son down, and basically tell him what she’s written, because it sounds about right to me.

I would be tempted personally to step out of the drama.

It sounds to me like they are bored and using your DC to make life more interesting with you being the perpetual bad guy.

You can't fix them or how they choose to treat you throughout your whole life. Reasonable parents who genuinely cared about their GC would have handled this very very differently. They are not reasonable GP/ parents and most importantly people need to stop referring to them as a safe space.

It is emotional abuse for them to call him and read out your text which was obviously sent out of extreme distress. THEY ARE NOT SAFE.

This said, I think at his age you need to stop engaging in this twisted popularity contest. Don't comment, don't beg, don't get upset. If he wants to go there, let him. Don't try to step in or argue. Eventually they will get bored with this bullying.

Please also get some counselling to reinforce your self worth. You know your heart and they should not have so much control over you. You need to break their power over you and your desire for their approval. No matter what you do, they will find fault. It may be worth looking at the stately homes thread on here.

Much love, teenagers suck, abusive parents suck, you can get through this

Maybe you need to think about what they said and if any of it is true?

Are they trying to get your kids to go to live with them?

Don't pay for his club anymore he goes to there house weekly instead it will be nice for him to spend time with them

Close the door on his room make it a food free zone supply clean bedding weekly request he brings his own washing out if he neglects to he has no clothing cold? No respecting boundaries he absolutely has the right to live in a mess as long as it doesn't spread to the rest of the house

but why did you text your parents that your son no longer had trust in them.
that was bound to alarm and distress them, so i can understand them calling him to ask why, what.
he says that's not the case. so you look like you are manipulating by misrepresenting his attitude to them.
i seems to be getting more muddled.
i haven't read your previous threads, but from what others say, you seem to go in for harsh punishments, including slapping your DC.
so, that's probably part of why your parents say you are a cold parent.
they see you as over-strict and they worry about the effect on your DC.
have you actually considered any of this.
you seem to be ignoring it. so it won't get better.
you can't expect your DC to be perfect; you admit that you are not.
surely missing one club meeting is not an unthinkable sin.
for whatever reason he wasn't feeling up to it on that occasion.
can't you cut them some slack.
you sound close to breaking point OP.
what would happen if you told your parents that and asked for their help. swallow your pride. take the long view, for everyone's sake.
all the best.