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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I forget argument with parents and move on?

63 replies

Cocopogo · 28/05/2021 18:47

Teenage DS stropped off to GPs when I told him to tidy up before we head out.
He was due at a club I’d already paid for, it was a crucial schedule (letting team down etc)
I went to GPs to take him to club and GPs blocked me and said we both need to calm down. Only thing that was making me annoyed was them telling me to go home and calm down! A stern word and look to DS would have had him in the car and on his way and by time he got there we’d have probably been laughing or at least a few hrs with team mates and he’d have been fine. But GPs wouldn’t let me in their house! I didn’t want to cause a scene on doorstep so I went home and heard nothing all day then DS was dropped off at teatime, hungry and expecting to be fed.
The next day I went to GPs and told them I was annoyed with them withholding DS and him missing club as a result. They hit back with an assassination of my parenting over the years which left me tearful and sad and I was told to go home and I haven’t heard from them since nor have I contacted them. I can’t get over the mean things they said and how they view me, a lot of it fuelled by DS stropping and exaggerating such as “mum makes me clean everything” “mum always shouts” “mums lazy”
which translated to I’m a cold parent, I have anger issues and I should do more for DS as even though he’s almost an adult he’s still a child. I feel very hurt by this and shocked that my parents think like this about me and I don’t know where to go from here. I know they are expecting me to forget and move on, they won’t ever acknowledge any wrong and even if they did apologise (which I don’t think they ever would) it still won’t change how they view me and it hurts.
We’ve lost so much time do to Covid, shielding etc and they aren’t getting any younger but I don’t know how to move on.
YABU - just forget about it and act like nothing has happened and go round for a brew like nothing happened
YANBU - leave them to it if they want to see me then they should apologise and have open discussion about why they think that

OP posts:
choli · 31/05/2021 11:41

It sounds to me like they are bored and using your DC to make life more interesting with you being the perpetual bad guy.
If that is what it sounds like to you that is some serious projection.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 31/05/2021 12:22

From bitter experience OP, I would never conduct difficult conversations with anyone over text anymore. Texts are so easily misunderstood, and this causes the situation to deteriorate even more. However, if you find it difficult to talk to your parents, why not sit down and actually write them a proper letter or email telling them how you feel about things. Maybe ask them for examples of when they think you have been a bad parent, so that later you can judge whether they are right and perhaps you have overreacted at the time. It's easy for other posters to say cut your DS some slack, and to pick your arguments, but in the moment it's not actually that straight forward, and we can all benefit from hindsight. Although in saying that, it might be worth thinking about if there are any particular flash points between you, which really aren't worth fighting over, but do this when you're calm and have time to think it through properly.

I once had a problem similar to yours where my child was in someone else's house, the people weren't family, or even friends of mine, just the parents of her boyfriend. She refused to come home, and instead of backing me, as his parents should have done, they simply added fuel to the fire by stating that she could stay if she wanted to. Unfortunately, I was brought up to be polite, so instead of going in and grabbing my daughter by the arm and physically marching her out, I gave in and left her there. Biggest mistake of my life, as she then knew that she could go there and I couldn't make her come home, and in response to a PP's comment, the police would not have intervened in your situation, as I phoned and asked for advice, and was told that 'provided she wasn't being held against her will, and was safe, there was nothing that they could do'!

It really does sound like you're trying your best to be a good parent, and I know from experience just how hard this can be with teenagers, so if you need some support and would like a chat, please feel free to PM me.

LaBellina · 31/05/2021 12:27

Your parents treated you like a 5 year old and sided with your DS against you.
I would find it very very hard to move past this. It’s so disrespectful.

Gothichouse40 · 31/05/2021 12:37

Im a grandparent. I would never dream of criticising my child as to how they bring up theirs. I would only ever speak out if it was abusive etc. Reason being your actual post. You are his mother, he is YOUR child not theirs. I never interfere or venture an opinion unless my child asks me for it. This is how estrangement begins. You sound very upset which is understandable. I would advise sitting down with your parents and having a talk about what took place. I would include your son in the discussion, just so that there are no misunderstandings. Your parents do seem to have you and your sons welfare at heart, but I do think, in my own opinion, it's not their place to tell you how to parent. No parent gets it right 100% of the time. Take care.

Cocopogo · 31/05/2021 18:32

Thanks, some great advice.
To answer the questions, I text because I find it easier than having a face-to-face discussion with them when I know I still felt annoyed they had blocked me from collecting him and I find it difficult to speak to them as an equal. So a text let’s me speak without being interrupted or my words twisted but it happened anyway only it was in black n white. Though having reread the text I still think it reads how I meant it and not how they interpreted it.
Thanks for the insight @Speakuptomakeyourselfheard who ever said the terrible twos were hard didn’t have a teenager!
@Gothichouse40 it’s good to get a grandparents perspective thanks

I’m no further forward with my parents, they haven’t contacted me or DC since.
I’ve realised that Father’s Day is coming up so it puts me in a tricky situation because I will be expected to go round with gifts etc like I always do so I think I’ll have to let it go.

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 31/05/2021 20:02

I’m no further forward with my parents, they haven’t contacted me or DC since.
I’ve realised that Father’s Day is coming up so it puts me in a tricky situation because I will be expected to go round with gifts etc like I always do so I think I’ll have to let it go

Loads of places do delivery if they want to invite you, they need to pick up the phone.

Justilou1 · 31/05/2021 20:15

Perhaps there is also an issue of “We’re your parents - Do what you’re told!” Happening. Maybe it’s about YOU being non-compliant and not being allowed to be an adult.

Cocopogo · 06/06/2021 22:35

UPDATE

I decided to make the first move and text my parents and asked to go round and talk and sort things out however they replied saying they don’t want to talk and just want to forget and move on. I told them that I can’t forget what they said and they reiterated that they didn’t want to talk and just wanted to move on. So we are no further forward.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 06/06/2021 23:26

What your parents did was pretty outrageous actually. I would not be minded to sweep this under the rug actually, fathers day be dammed.

Aprilwasverywet · 07/06/2021 10:35

Well they have spelled out they don't want to fix things. They want you to bow down.
I am nc with dps and ils. Def recommend it...

BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila · 07/06/2021 10:48

Well done for reiterating you want to talk. The situation can't be swept under the carpet because you need to be sure their behaviour won't happen again. And if you don't talk it through they'll never see your side of things and agree to not block your parenting again.

LittleOwl153 · 07/06/2021 10:53

I'd just send the card in the post with a note saying you are happy to talk when they are ready. They need to understand that this is not ok.
You have done well by your kids - keep the strength.

Aprilwasverywet · 07/06/2021 10:57

Your dc do not need to see people with such little respect of you..

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