I realised today that I have imposter syndrome across every aspect of my life

[UhtredRagnarson]

It dawned on me as I was walking the dog and I apologised to a couple when their dog approached mine (mine on normal short lead walking by my side- theirs on extendable lead miles ahead of them) and got under her legs and we got all tangled as my dog panics when things go round her legs (rescue- suspect she was maybe tied up at some point). And it just hit me that I do this all the time. I apologise for my very existence and feel like I’m faking being a mother, dog owner, friend, good at my job, and that people can tell I’m actually crap at it all and if they can’t tell, they soon will. It’s holding me back. I have no self belief. There are so many things I would love to do but I have that voice cloud that tells me “don’t be silly, you can’t do that” it exists throughout my life. How do I stop it? I need to get it to fuck off and start actually living. There is no budget for counselling but I reckon I need some mind work. Are there online resources that can sort me out? Help me.

Another one who can 100% relate to how you are feeling. I rather despair of ever feeling different

And I'm yet another joining this party. I know why I do it - my parents were/are not the type to ever give praise. Let's put it this way - recently my brother got a speeding ticket while driving my mother's car. Even he joked that she would try and put the blame on me despite the fact I haven't ever driven that car...

I'm sure their attitude is why I feel like this and logically I know they're wrong but in my forties I still can't seem to change the mindset.

Yes I very much feel this comes from how I was raised. Specifically my fathers influence. He’s a total negative nelly, worries about everything going wrong, possibly had/has imposter syndrome himself! He was the type to talk himself out of doing something within seconds of deciding to do it. He’d find reasons not to do anything you’d suggest. Very much “what’s the point in that?” I actually noticed my son doing the same the other day and challenged him on it. (It was directed at me)

My dad has this (he has just turned 70) he works in a creative job, still has lots of stuff coming in because he is bloody good at his job but he has always always doubted himself. Now he has the added factor that he thinks one day people are going to suddenly click that he is too old to do the job.
I have definitely inherited it from him. My mother has no concept of it. We tried explaining it to her and she did not get it at all.

I’m exactly the same OP.
Doesn’t help that my inner monologue is self critical all the time. It’s debilitating at times and so frustrating

I definitely recognize the labels women get given if they try to behave in the same way most men in the work place do, ie, that they have a right to be there and have valuable things to say and contribute:

If I walk into a boardroom and there are chairs at the back or side I head there....my female colleague was like "er no, we sit at the front"....I would hate to be called bossy, or hysterical, or emotional....squirm if I ever talk about money.....absolutely ridiculous.

I have this too.

I know I do a good job - I get things done and I am someone that people come to for advice on a lot of different things. But I walk into an interview and talk down my achievements (I had feedback from 1 interviewer before that the 2 who knew me wanted to come across the table and shake me as everything I said was "we" for the 40 minutes, even when they pointedly asked "what was YOUR specific role/achievement...etc"). I have stagnated in my current grade for 15 years now.

I am like that in family life - my DPs reckon I am the black sheep but I am the one who has a house paid off, good job, good marriage, stable lifestyle etc. Other DSiblings have very different lives and are not so "successful" in society (everyone lives their life differently and has different things that are important to them - so that is an analytical comment not a judgement) - but I still feel like I am the black sheep and giving bad example. DH always talks before we visit about my levels of stress and getting things right about bringing presents and doing things for DPs. And spends most of the trip home mopping me up and building my self-esteem back up again after it's been knocked back into the gutter.

I feel it in my volunteering role - where I have a senior position and know what I am doing, and get lots of feedback from parents about how great what we do is. But I always feel like someone is going to see through me and realise I am always winging it. (When I'm not - I do a lot of work preparing and having a plan, and the other volunteers also are very experienced and we can all run with emergency plans if something happens to change it very easily). It did help recently hearing from an "old hand" who is no longer directly active that what we do in our group is the envy of many other groups even if we don't always conform exactly to the strict programme - we do lots of things that others can only dream of doing, and the kids are all having fun doing it.

I've done executive coaching, read lots of books (including Michelle Obama and Sheryl Sandberg), listened to loads of podcasts, had praise from more recent managers etc.

But the job done on my self esteem growing up by DPs, and repeated by 2 particular ineffective and micro-managing managers a few years back, has been so effective that it is very hard to counteract it and make myself believe that I really am good enough.

Working myself up to do another interview soon, I hope, so currently reviewing my achievements and trying to make myself believe that I AM GOOD ENOUGH.

I feel like I need to channel Dolly Parton. I watched a few programmes about her for her 75th birthday and she was asked if she was scared when she started out in the industry to go up against all the men who would mock her appearance and laugh at her. She said “well what’s the worst they’re gonna do? Kill me? No!” And then she went on to say the worst that can happen is she is no good at singing and people would know it but so what? I loved that. So what? Who cares if you’re not good at one thing you tried to do? It’s doubtful really that anyone cares except you. Everyone is crap at lots of things and great at others. I need to make this my mantra.

I think I’d just call mine low self esteem as I haven’t really achieved anything to feel like an imposter whilst doing it 🤣🤣

I know exactly why it happened. I lost all my confidence around the age of 17 due to a chronic health condition that I still live with. What to do about it? Personally I take a lot of pleasure from my partner not giving a shit about my condition and loving me regardless. In your shoes I guess the obvious answer us a therapy that would improve confidence and lessen anxiety.

I feel like this, I was on a work meeting yesterday and was sitting there thinking why are all these people so bright and I am so thick.

But I think it comes because people are negative. If you have an appraisal it will be 5 minutes of good stuff and 55 minutes of bad stuff. A good employer lets you play to your strengths (within reason, obviously you have to be able to do the job in most material ways) and recruits a wide variety of people with different strengths so they have everything covered. But most of the time it's just "you do that really well, now lets spend all the time moaning about all the things you don't do well" - it's not surprising that we have imposter syndrome or don't think we are good at things.

Everyone is crap at lots of things and great at others. I need to make this my mantra

Yes. I am paid for a different skill-set to my colleagues and I need to remember that when I feel inferior to them.

I am exactly like you.

Constantly putting myself down, like joking about how shit I am to others. I feel guilty for ringing the doctors about myself. Feel like I'm not important I guess.

No advice, but want to get on here to read others advice!

I have this too, but only because i've been worn down by my previous employer making me feel inadequate. It started similarly to another poster where I went ahead and asked some very valuable questions in a meeting with some more senior staff (and was told by them later they were really good questions) but my line manager told me in quiet separately I shouldn't have asked them and acted quite horrified.
There were other instances like that. I was confident in my ability in all areas before that but now I question my ability in everything.

It says something about me I think that I read this and think ‘yeah, but I really AM shit at everything’ My parents to this day tell me I’m not ambitious enough, but they were the ones who knocked it out of me really. I’m a total people-pleaser and I worry so much about every interaction I have, every piece of work I do. I’d love to be more of a success in my career but like a pp I’ve just stagnated because I live in fear of being ‘found out’.

It says something about me I think that I read this and think ‘yeah, but I really AM shit at everything’

Jumping in here, i'm trying to figure out how to deal with this also. It's ruining every aspect of my life and I can't take it anymore. I wish I had the belief in myself that everyone else seems to have!

But if you think you have imposter syndrome, doesn't that mean deep down you know you are fine? Otherwise you'd be worried about being crap. Maybe you can use this to grow your confidence.

I know this because I actually am crap at everything. When you are you know it.

I know this because I actually am crap at everything. When you are you know it.

Maybe you have imposter syndrome but don’t realise it?

Feel like this too! People tell me I'm clever - I think they are taking the piss or just trying to flatter me - it doesn't help that most of the people I hang around with went to Oxbridge - I keep thinking I'm going to be found out.

This very thing came up in my recent appraisal- even though I had just been given a good promotion I still feel like I don’t bring anything to the table.
What ever I do is have to point out the flaws! For example I like to make cakes and often asked to do them fro friends/family. People always say how amazing they are and all I can do is stand there and reel off all the things that are wrong with it!
I hate putting any ideas forward etc as o think people’s re going to think they are stupid or I am talking above my station.

For me I think it stems from 2 almost opposite things from when I was a child.
I was adopted at 5/6 so I think I have an ingrained opinion of not being ‘good enough’ as my birth family didn’t love me enough to change so they could keep us, foster parents didn’t want to keep us (but our baby sister who was fostered separately as babies easier to adopt, was adopted by foster parents which re-informed the idea that I wasn’t good enough to keep) then adopted parents divorced when I was 12 and Dad buggered off to Germany and was rarely seen since and my adopted mum packed my off to boarding school age 15.

Then On the other side of the coin I was a very very clever child, put up a year in school, joined Mensa when I was 12 etc but due to my other issues I never amounted to anything, dropped out of uni, went travelling abroad for a few years, had kid in my late 20s etc then worked evenings when they were little so never created a career for myself so even now when people praise me, and say how brilliant I am at the scout accounts or work stuff I just think ‘meh, people have always said that and I haven’t amounted to much’

No advice OP but I am exactly the same as you.

I even feel like an imposter on MN! Like I don’t deserve to be posting on here as I’m not nearly as intelligent and insightful of other posters!

Crazy brains, eh?

Brieandchilli it sounds like you have done amazingly, though! Travelling abroad is very courageous, especially without parental support, and as a single mum myself, I know it is hard work sometimes. Plus you just got a promotion!

It is funny, this thread is so timely. My confidence is rock bottom at the moment. Every day I think something will go wrong, I am not getting through enough. It is so exhausting! Not helped by the fact that my social life has dwindled to practically nothing, and so I add in, and I have no friends either! Of course I do have friends but the pandemic has made me feel lonely, really.

So yes, thank you for starting this thread. I am definitely going to look at some of the resources.

For added context, in the last 6 months or so I have been repeatedly praised at work for achievements, recommended to work with upper management on huge bids and when my (excellent) new boss started, she apparently couldn’t believe the disparity of pay and almost straight away gave me a pay rise, and a further ‘plan’ to get me on a salary that is £20k higher than I was earning when she started.

I still believe I am absolutely shit at my job. I work my backside off to ‘make up’ for my own perceived shortcomings and I just think if I take the foot off the pedal for one minute, they’ll all realise they’ve been duped and wonder what they saw in my work.

I’m such an imposter that I even killed off this thread

@Wherediditgo!!

Nah! Sunday evening- we were all crying into our g&ts over having to be imposters all over again today!