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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I realised today that I have imposter syndrome across every aspect of my life

67 replies

UhtredRagnarson · 27/05/2021 22:04

It dawned on me as I was walking the dog and I apologised to a couple when their dog approached mine (mine on normal short lead walking by my side- theirs on extendable lead miles ahead of them) and got under her legs and we got all tangled as my dog panics when things go round her legs (rescue- suspect she was maybe tied up at some point). And it just hit me that I do this all the time. I apologise for my very existence and feel like I’m faking being a mother, dog owner, friend, good at my job, and that people can tell I’m actually crap at it all and if they can’t tell, they soon will. It’s holding me back. I have no self belief. There are so many things I would love to do but I have that voice cloud that tells me “don’t be silly, you can’t do that” it exists throughout my life. How do I stop it? I need to get it to fuck off and start actually living. There is no budget for counselling but I reckon I need some mind work. Are there online resources that can sort me out? Help me.

OP posts:
ParkingFeud · 27/05/2021 22:08

Not much help but I'm so similar. Even silly things; I had a work webinar today and sent in questions anonymously as was worried they would sound stupid...they ended up the highest voted questions but I just wasn't brave enough to put my name to them. Sometimes I'll send a suggestion then spend ages panicking that it's too pushy of me. I'm thinking about buying the confidence code book. If I do, I'll report back! You have my sympathies and understanding!! Flowers

Pivotthesofa · 27/05/2021 22:10

I have this too. I never end up following through on things because I get the fear that I will be discovered, that people will realise I don’t know what I’m doing

Luckyelephant1 · 27/05/2021 22:11

Hey OP no advice but I'm the same, also with the smallest of things. I'm also a FTM to be at the moment and I'm terrified of being a crap mum. I really don't want to pass this on to my children either.

Sarahlou63 · 27/05/2021 22:15

There’s an amazing CBT training course on Udemy by Kain Ramsay. The most up to date course is called How to be a CBT practitioner but it is equally good for people who just want to understand themselves rather than actually become practitioners.

Understanding why you say thinks, what you do, how you express emotions, and behave in the way you do is the first stage in learning how to think differently and respond in a mature and grounded attitude.

Can highly recommend it

Iamblossom · 27/05/2021 22:15

I have this. I am very successful in my job, get compliments and praise all the time, have just been promoted, and still doubt myself every time I open my mouth.

My outwardly confident and successful sisters are the same.

My successful outwardly confident female friends are the same.

UhtredRagnarson · 27/05/2021 22:24

Wow!! So many of us.

@Sarahlou63 thank you for the recommendation!

OP posts:
CaveMum · 27/05/2021 22:28

There’s a thread on this topic over on the Feminism boards right now - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4255642-imposter-syndrome-a-female-only-thing?

I shared this video of Michelle Obama discussing Imposter Syndrome in theat thread but will post it again here, it’s worth watching:

UhtredRagnarson · 27/05/2021 22:30

Thanks @CaveMum I’ll have a read of that thread.

OP posts:
Itstheprinciple · 27/05/2021 22:33

My DH has this. Every time an email comes through in the evening, he assumes it's to tell him he hasn't done something right that day. He's been teaching for a long time, gets great results, is well thought of by staff and pupils but still doesn't quite believe it. Every results day I say "Seems like you're actually okay at this teaching malarkey after all!" and he just gives me a wry smile but then he's back to his normal doubting self again.

Mangofandangoo · 27/05/2021 22:34

@ParkingFeud

Not much help but I'm so similar. Even silly things; I had a work webinar today and sent in questions anonymously as was worried they would sound stupid...they ended up the highest voted questions but I just wasn't brave enough to put my name to them. Sometimes I'll send a suggestion then spend ages panicking that it's too pushy of me. I'm thinking about buying the confidence code book. If I do, I'll report back! You have my sympathies and understanding!! Flowers
Oh this is me too @ParkingFeud Blush
Dobbyhasnomaster · 27/05/2021 22:37

I am exactly the same. And it makes me so mad at myself!

UhtredRagnarson · 27/05/2021 22:40

@Dobbyhasnomaster

I am exactly the same. And it makes me so mad at myself!
Yes. I’m angry with myself for letting this dictate so much of my life and I have literally cost myself money in lost earnings by not going for things.
OP posts:
Luckyelephant1 · 28/05/2021 00:04

@Itstheprinciple

My DH has this. Every time an email comes through in the evening, he assumes it's to tell him he hasn't done something right that day. He's been teaching for a long time, gets great results, is well thought of by staff and pupils but still doesn't quite believe it. Every results day I say "Seems like you're actually okay at this teaching malarkey after all!" and he just gives me a wry smile but then he's back to his normal doubting self again.
Wow its so rare to hear about a man having this, obviously not a good thing and I feel for him but it's nice to know that it's not just a female thing.

I constantly feel like I'm going to be discovered to actually be shit at my job and will be fired. Every quarterly review I have with my manager I get nervous that he's going to give me a warning or tell me I'm doing crap even though this is impossible as I always hit targets and do well. I just feel like I've fluked my way through life and at some point things will come crashing down. It's so hard to live with.

Lampzade · 28/05/2021 00:55

[quote CaveMum]There’s a thread on this topic over on the Feminism boards right now - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4255642-imposter-syndrome-a-female-only-thing?

I shared this video of Michelle Obama discussing Imposter Syndrome in theat thread but will post it again here, it’s worth watching: [/quote]
Thanks for this
She said that despite her success she had always felt like she was impostor because she had been told that she wasn’t good enough.
She also points out that men don’t generally suffer from impostor syndrome as they believe that they should have a seat at the table
Michelle Obama is a remarkable woman

coronafiona · 28/05/2021 07:35

Have a look at Carla millers podcasts she is a coach. She talks about acknowledging the feeling but then ignoring it as it's unhelpful at this time. Then carrying on. But her training courses are much more eloquent and detailed!

Londonnight · 28/05/2021 07:43

I'm the same, I just never feel I am good enough and say sorry when it isn't needed. I have never felt that I have done well in anything [ including bringing up my family ] and expect to get into trouble for things that I haven't done. I take everything on board and come home from work and stress about it

user1477249785 · 28/05/2021 08:13

I used to have this and I think I've finally cracked it. I had a moment of realisation that my own self doubt was the only thing holding me back and that I needed to actively work to overcome it. It took years but I'm finally there. Don't have time this morning but will try and come back and post what I did.

stillcrazyafterall · 28/05/2021 08:26

I do feel that at work - I don't have a particularly high powered job but it can be complicated, I often explain things to others and think 'blimey I sound like I know what I am doing' I feel a fraud!

puguin86 · 28/05/2021 08:41

My recent appraisal - the only negative comment was to stop with the imposter syndrome!!!

UhtredRagnarson · 28/05/2021 08:47

@puguin86

My recent appraisal - the only negative comment was to stop with the imposter syndrome!!!
Grin I bet you give yourself a bollocking for that too??
OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 28/05/2021 08:49

@user1477249785 how did you overcome it? I mean, literally - what did you do?

littlejo67 · 28/05/2021 08:50

I work in MH. This site is very good. It has modules on self esteem and tolerating worry.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself

UhtredRagnarson · 28/05/2021 08:51

Thank you everyone for all the recommendations.

OP posts:
barbrahunter · 28/05/2021 08:51

I have always had this too, and also that I will be somehow 'punished', i.e., things will go wrong, if I dare to feel confident.

I think some in part comes from being told I couldn't do anything when I was a child.

terraclutter · 28/05/2021 08:56

I have this too.
Always feel I'm going to get found out as being pretty stupid really.
Never feel confident and able to speak out.
I think it also stems from being younger.
Always remember my Mum saying "no one likes a show off" so you learnt to dumb down anything you were good at.