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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to start a new course but miss my daughter's first day at big school

57 replies

Covert19 · 27/05/2021 12:44

I gave up my career 12 years ago to be a SAHM. My youngest is now 11, and will be starting secondary school in September.

I have been thinking about how I am going to fill my time with the slightly longer days secondary school will give me. There is a subject I have been interested in studying for years but never done it. It is in an area of interest for me but unlikely to lead to employment - but will help in a volunteering role I do.

I can start a course in September. It would be 50% distance learning, and 50% evenings (two nights a week) plus four week-long residentials over two years.

The first residential week coincides with my youngest's first day at secondary school. When I mentioned the dates to her, she said "won't you want to see me on my first day at school?". She's basically asking me to defer the course for a year, so that I can wave her off on her first day at big school.

I get that starting secondary is a big deal and to be honest, I would be disappointed to miss it, but at the risk of sounding like a martyr, I've sacrificed a lot to be with my kids, and I've never missed a sports day, school concert, etc etc. I thought that this would be something for me at long last, but now I feel that I should defer it for a year.

DH is happy for me to do whatever I want - he will pick up the slack when I am doing the course, so our daughter would have Dad there (when she never has before as he's always been working).

AIBU to do the course this year, or should I wait a year?

OP posts:
AhaShakeHeartbreak12 · 27/05/2021 12:45

I'd do the course this year

Crazycakelady17 · 27/05/2021 12:46

I would go for it at high school
It’s not like you will be walking her to the school gates it will literally be seeing her out the door and if she has dad for that what’s the problem she can FaceTime you in the morning!

TeenMinusTests · 27/05/2021 12:48

Do the course. Zoom in the morning.

Timeforabiscuit · 27/05/2021 12:49

Honestly, first day of secondary is nowhere near the occasion that first day of primary is. She may not even want you dropping her off, and even then can dh be on hand?

Absolutely go on the course.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/05/2021 12:49

It’s fine! The first day at secondary school is not a big thing in the sense of parents being involved in the way of primary school.

Your DH could just as well wave her off at the door as you!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/05/2021 12:50

And she should be old enough to understand when you explain it to her.

ChocOrange1 · 27/05/2021 12:51

Do the course, she is old enough to understand. When you said "big school" i thought you meant primary, which might be different.
Can her dad take some time off work to walk her to school on that first day, or a grandparent?

KarmaNoMore · 27/05/2021 12:51

Honest answer? Your kid most likely will prefer go to her first day school with her friends, she won’t want a parent taking her to the door and wave good bye, she will probably ask you to drop her a block away. Grin

Besides, you may not even have anything scheduled on your timetable for the day.

Having said that, I am not quite sure you are ready to go back to study yet if you think it would be ok to put back your studies for a year just for one day when you may not even be needed. It sounds like you might not be committed enough with the course yet to succeed at it.

dreamingbohemian · 27/05/2021 12:51

I'd rethink your plan entirely and do a course that will lead to employment. Something can always happen to your DH or your marriage, you leave you and your DC very vulnerable if you have no way to support them.

newnortherner111 · 27/05/2021 12:53

Do the course, you have let your DD know, and indeed your DH could step in. Your DD also has a valuable life lesson is learning how to manage a form of disappointment and not grow up to be a 'snowflake'. You have also given plenty of notice, not sprung it upon her the day or week before.

AlmostSummer21 · 27/05/2021 12:53

Tell her you'll FaceTime her in the morning to see her in her uniform & in the evening to see how it went, but that it'll be nice for Dad to take her as due to work he's missed out on lots of school things.

Explain you want to see her, but you can't change the date for this, so you need to go.

Most of them grow up a lot over the summer between primary & secondary. By then she might not want to be taken by mummy anyway!

Cowbells · 27/05/2021 12:54

As long as you make a fuss of her, she'll be fine. Writer her a letter or card, get her a present to open on the day. Zoom her and text her. Have a day out buying uniform and going for lunch beforehand. She will be nervous but that doesn't mean she gets to dictate whether or not you are allowed to progress with your own life!

MasterBeth · 27/05/2021 12:55

I thought you were going to say infant school and she was 5.

YABU to consider delaying the course for such a nothing day...

Nuggetnugget · 27/05/2021 12:56

Of course do the course. Her dad is there. You can what's app or whatever (have a cake the night before etc etc)

You need to put yourself first now Flowers

pilates · 27/05/2021 13:02

I would do the course.

lanthanum · 27/05/2021 13:04

I was about to say that a big grown up 4 year old can cope without mummy being there on the first day of school, and then I read again!

Do the course. Tell your daughter it's probably better you're away, otherwise you might be too tempted to take her into the playground and wait to kiss her goodbye when the bell goes.

Chloemol · 27/05/2021 13:13

I would do the course

Castlepeak · 27/05/2021 13:19

I refused business travel on my DD’s first day of secondary.

The big huge caveat:
She has ASD and I knew it was going to be a big transition and that I was going to be needed to do a bunch of occupational therapy type adjustments in those first few days. DH is a great dad, but I am the expert at helping DD organize things in a way that works well for her brain because she and I are very similar.

For a NT kid, I would probably go. Do make a big point of helping her get ready before you leave, but explain to her why it is important that you have this in your life. You can remind her that she is lived and valued while also showing her that it’s ok for you to have your own life and interests.

myfuckingfreezer · 27/05/2021 13:20

She's basically asking me to defer the course for a year, so that I can wave her off on her first day at big school.

I'm not sure she did!

Just explain to her. Don't defer for a year on your interpretation of a comment she made.

Somatronic · 27/05/2021 13:24

Definitely do the course.

My mother didn't bring me to any of my first days and she could never come to any of my events at school because of her job. That was just the norm in our house. I presume your child is so used to having you all the time at all of her events that she just assumes you'll attend this one too, because that's always been the way.

I'm sure when you explain the situation to her she'll understand. And if she doesn't understand you should still go and do your course.

Tk5787338 · 27/05/2021 13:24

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I’d think twice; will it be a full week of her first week at secondary school you’d be missing? Is there any reason she might find it hard to settle in?
I think if it’s just her first day then fine but if it’s a full week then what if she has a hard week and needs a bit of support? I know she’ll have her dad but it depends if that will be enough.

Feelingbad2 · 27/05/2021 13:25

I’m starting a new job in a few weeks that will mean I won’t be able to take my 4yo DS to school on his first day. I feel awful! But his grandma is taking him and he’ll be fine. Secondary school is different anyway, she’ll be fine.

BathTangle · 27/05/2021 13:28

I'd question why your daughter apparently is OK with dad missing things for work, but not you? The reality is that however hard we try, there will always be events we cannot attend and your daughter needs to understand that you are a person whose life away from children is as valuable as her dad's. It will be an example for her to value herself in the future too.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/05/2021 13:29

@KarmaNoMore

Honest answer? Your kid most likely will prefer go to her first day school with her friends, she won’t want a parent taking her to the door and wave good bye, she will probably ask you to drop her a block away. Grin

Besides, you may not even have anything scheduled on your timetable for the day.

Having said that, I am not quite sure you are ready to go back to study yet if you think it would be ok to put back your studies for a year just for one day when you may not even be needed. It sounds like you might not be committed enough with the course yet to succeed at it.

She did say that it was her kid who was upset about her not being there at the school gates that's made her wonder if she was BU

OP, YANBU, her dad will be there and you will surely see her that morning?

leafinthewind · 27/05/2021 13:31

I missed my eldest's first day in Reception because I was studying. Don't miss a whole year for one ten minute goodbye.

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