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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to start a new course but miss my daughter's first day at big school

57 replies

Covert19 · 27/05/2021 12:44

I gave up my career 12 years ago to be a SAHM. My youngest is now 11, and will be starting secondary school in September.

I have been thinking about how I am going to fill my time with the slightly longer days secondary school will give me. There is a subject I have been interested in studying for years but never done it. It is in an area of interest for me but unlikely to lead to employment - but will help in a volunteering role I do.

I can start a course in September. It would be 50% distance learning, and 50% evenings (two nights a week) plus four week-long residentials over two years.

The first residential week coincides with my youngest's first day at secondary school. When I mentioned the dates to her, she said "won't you want to see me on my first day at school?". She's basically asking me to defer the course for a year, so that I can wave her off on her first day at big school.

I get that starting secondary is a big deal and to be honest, I would be disappointed to miss it, but at the risk of sounding like a martyr, I've sacrificed a lot to be with my kids, and I've never missed a sports day, school concert, etc etc. I thought that this would be something for me at long last, but now I feel that I should defer it for a year.

DH is happy for me to do whatever I want - he will pick up the slack when I am doing the course, so our daughter would have Dad there (when she never has before as he's always been working).

AIBU to do the course this year, or should I wait a year?

OP posts:
SE13Mummy · 27/05/2021 13:32

Do the course. Your DD has two parents and the other one can support her with getting to secondary school on the first day if need be.

I get that it's a different situation for your family but my DCs didn't have either parent present for their first days at primary school or secondary school. DH and I are both teachers so are invariably teaching our own classes when our children start school. It's just one of those things.

Original poster
Covert19 · 27/05/2021 13:38

@Tk5787338 It's a week residential which ends on the day after she goes to school, so I'll miss her induction day (which is a Friday), then I'll be home on the Saturday.

@myfuckingfreezer she didn't explicitly ask me to defer, but she asked whether I wouldn't want to see her off, and then when I said "do you want me to?" she said "No. I don't know. I just....." and wouldn't be drawn further. She's very thoughtful and I know that she would never demand such a thing, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't be upset. Maybe she wants me to want to be there. Maybe the idea of me having my own life unsettles her a bit.

I think part of my struggle is that I am in the habit of being there for everyone, and suddenly I won't be. I honestly feel quite tearful and guilty that I might be putting myself first for a change.

OP posts:
RubyRedBerry · 27/05/2021 13:40

Do the course, leave her a good luck card.

mafsfan · 27/05/2021 13:43

My DH will be on month 6 out of 10 working in a different country when our 4 year old starts reception. I'm sure your DD will be fine.

TheProvincialLady · 27/05/2021 13:44

Absolutely put yourself first this time! It’s amazing how quickly they grow up and become independent in the first weeks of secondary school. It would be crazy if you to defer your course/life plans for a whole year just because of a non-event day. Plus you are setting the example of being a woman who puts her needs and career plans before other people’s vague wishes and that is a very good thing. One day she will be an adult and possibly a mum - would you want her to make a decision based on you making a martyr of yourself (meant kindly) when your husband is just as capable of being there? Go on the course.

Pinetreesfall · 27/05/2021 13:45

First day at senior school we got the school bus as it was 1.5 hour journey. No one was there to wave us off! We survived I'm sure your daughter will be fine at that age!

AryaStarkWolf · 27/05/2021 13:52

[quote Covert19]@Tk5787338 It's a week residential which ends on the day after she goes to school, so I'll miss her induction day (which is a Friday), then I'll be home on the Saturday.

@myfuckingfreezer she didn't explicitly ask me to defer, but she asked whether I wouldn't want to see her off, and then when I said "do you want me to?" she said "No. I don't know. I just....." and wouldn't be drawn further. She's very thoughtful and I know that she would never demand such a thing, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't be upset. Maybe she wants me to want to be there. Maybe the idea of me having my own life unsettles her a bit.

I think part of my struggle is that I am in the habit of being there for everyone, and suddenly I won't be. I honestly feel quite tearful and guilty that I might be putting myself first for a change.[/quote]
So make it clear to her that you do want to be there but it would cost you a whole year if you defer. Make a fuss of her before you go and when you get back, she will be fine

Tk5787338 · 27/05/2021 14:22

If it’s just the day then I would go for it!

Idontknowanymore05 · 27/05/2021 14:25

Please do it. It doesn't make you selfish or a bad Mum. If your daughter has her father there, then at least she's got one of you.

bigbluebus · 27/05/2021 14:38

Can't you just Facetime her on the morning she goes to school so that you can wish her luck and see her all ready to go in her new uniform. No need to actually be in the same building to do that and presumably she'll either take herself off to school or your DH will take her. No one has both parents dropping them off at Secondary on their 1st day, surely?

Flavabobble · 27/05/2021 14:44

Definitely go, but emphasise how you are both doing something new and exciting. It has the potential to be bonding for the two of you.

LittleGwyneth · 27/05/2021 14:47

@KarmaNoMore

Honest answer? Your kid most likely will prefer go to her first day school with her friends, she won’t want a parent taking her to the door and wave good bye, she will probably ask you to drop her a block away. Grin

Besides, you may not even have anything scheduled on your timetable for the day.

Having said that, I am not quite sure you are ready to go back to study yet if you think it would be ok to put back your studies for a year just for one day when you may not even be needed. It sounds like you might not be committed enough with the course yet to succeed at it.

On what basis have you made this enormous judgement?

OP go for it.

UserAtRandom · 27/05/2021 14:50

I suspect by September she won't be remotely bothered.
My own DC would have been horrified if I'd made any sort of a deal about secondary school (yes, I get that everyone is different).

Get DH to send you a photo of her in her uniform and catch up when she gets home.

GravityFalls · 27/05/2021 14:54

Well, it sounds like she's had a certain picture in her mind of what the day would be like and it's hard letting that go. Which is fine and perfectly understandable.

I'd be inclined to wrap up a small present - a nice pen and pencil set, and a chocolate bar for break - and write a little sweet note, and give it to her dad for the morning. So she knows it does mean something to you, and you've not forgotten, and she feels like you care (obviously you do care but it's easy for children to convince themselves otherwise and get upset).

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 27/05/2021 15:03

@Tk5787338

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I’d think twice; will it be a full week of her first week at secondary school you’d be missing? Is there any reason she might find it hard to settle in? I think if it’s just her first day then fine but if it’s a full week then what if she has a hard week and needs a bit of support? I know she’ll have her dad but it depends if that will be enough.
Would you say the same if OP had come on to say her DD wanted her dad not to go on a course because it clashes with her first day of school? I very much doubt it.

OP it's fine. You can catch up with her on the weekend. Maybe plan a day/lunch out with her so you can both chat about her first day then

YouLookSoCool · 27/05/2021 16:14

I'd discuss with her what you can do to make the first day easier without you there eg FaceTime/Zoom; can you get everything completely ready with her (uniform, bag etc) before you go on the course; can she phone you if she has any worries in the days leading up to it. Especially given that she's only in on the Friday and you'll be back on the Saturday to hear all about her first day I think you should definitely do the course, but having been a SAHM myself I do sympathise with the (unnecessary, but real) feelings of guilt.

Bananahana · 27/05/2021 16:47

You must not defer the course. She’ll be fine!!

Newkitchen123 · 27/05/2021 16:51

I can't remember if my mum waved me off on my first day at secondary so it can't have been a big deal
She'll be fine

seensome · 27/05/2021 16:54

Carry on with your course this year, let her dad be there for her, tbh Ive not heard of any parent waving off to first day at secondary school, I've not done that for my children and didn't happen for me, it's the next stage to becoming independent from parents, let her get the bus/walk with the others doing the journey on their own for the first time.

TeeBee · 27/05/2021 16:58

Go do the course! I've seen two off to secondary. You seeing her on her first day will be basically waving, taking a photo and saying 'have a great day'. That's it. Its about time she learnt that mum can have a career also and is not just around to service and clap on everybody else. She has two parents, and maybe it will be nice for DH (and your DD) to be able to have the chance to do one of the milestones for once. Facetime her afterwards and ask her how her day went. There's plenty of time to be dealing with tea and toilets in the week following. Honestly, just go!

RaspberryCoulis · 27/05/2021 16:59

Do the course. Waving off to secondary school isn't really a thing, if she wants a fuss made then you do it when you get home and she's full of news about her first week.

I was you this time last year - my youngest started secondary last August and I'm just coming to the end of my first year of a part time master's. Best thing I've ever done.

TeeBee · 27/05/2021 17:00

...oh, and the waving is done from your front door. She won't want the embarrassment of being dropped by a parent! They all arrange to go together.

AngelDelightUk · 27/05/2021 17:05

I’m going against the grain, it obviously means a lot to do your daughter for you to be there when she leaves for secondary school on that first day.

How far away is the course? Would there be any chance you could be home for an hour or so that morning then head back for the remainder of the course

TeeBee · 27/05/2021 17:32

@AngelDelightUk

I’m going against the grain, it obviously means a lot to do your daughter for you to be there when she leaves for secondary school on that first day.

How far away is the course? Would there be any chance you could be home for an hour or so that morning then head back for the remainder of the course

I don't agree with this at all. Its crazy to tie yourself up in a knot for something that, on the day, will be very little consequence to her. Enough with the mum guilt. 11 is old enough to get yourself to school with your mates. What you could do, is a little dummy run with her friends the week before during the school holidays (is her school walking distance?). Mine both did a little dummy run, practicing the walk so they knew the route and how long it will take them. Then take her shopping for stationery. Its time to start helping her become independent and get your own career back on track.
schofieldsunderpants · 27/05/2021 17:40

I found secondary school starting even more exciting than primary school! However, I wasn't involved much at all...!

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