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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving/ lending money to family

53 replies

strawberrydonuts · 27/05/2021 09:15

My cousin has asked my mum to lend her some money towards bills etc. I'm not sure the exact amount but probably a few hundred quid.

My parents are fairly wealthy, big house and plenty of money for whatever they need with lots left over, they have nice cars (new BMW/Audis etc) and holidays etc. They have substantially more money than most of my other family members who mostly are on benefits or in lower paid jobs.

But my mum has - in my opinion - a strange attitude towards money and is quite cagey about it. She will say that no one knows how much money she has, people shouldn't assume she's well off and she "might not" have all that much. Or she will say all her money is "tied up" in savings accounts and she has no access to it, but then she'll randomly buy herself designer handbags and clothes I guess she's trying to protect her money because other family members have had issues before with constantly asking her for money.

Anyway, this cousin has never asked my mum for money before but says the situation is "desperate" and she's really struggling. My mum rang me yesterday to ask me what I think, should she lend her money? Cousin has promised to pay it back and said that she will be very very grateful... but realistically she will only be able to pay back like £10-20 a month. My mum wasn't happy with this as it's too slow.

Personally I just think this loaning money to family members creates a weird dynamic. If you are a well-off person helping out a family member who is substantially poorer and there is no existing problem with them constantly asking for money, wouldn't you just give them the money as a gift? And maybe also try to help them with a plan for not getting into that situation again?

I think me and my mum have fundamentally different attitudes to money so just wondering what the consensus is!

My view is that as you know someone isn't taking the piss, if you have the resources to help someone in your own family then why wouldn't you? If it becomes a problem and she keeps asking for more then you address it as and when that happens? But "lending" creates a weird dynamic and obligation, so I think it should just be a gift.

AIBU? Or is my mum?

OP posts:

anuvamotherhood · 27/05/2021 09:18

Your mum isn't being unreasonable. I wouldn't lend someone a large amount of money to be paid back £10-20 a month either no matter how much money I had.
Then again I don't lend money to family or friends due to a family member refusing to pay me back.

Caramel81 · 27/05/2021 09:19

I would just gift the money to the cousin if I were your mum but I would make it crystal clear it was a one off unless it was literally a life or death situation in future.
If the cousin would feel better paying it back then your mum should just accept the minimum payments of £10 a month or the cousin will just get into debt again trying to repay.

shivawn · 27/05/2021 09:21

I think loaning money to family should only be done if you're accepting of that fact that you may not give it back.

jagoda · 27/05/2021 09:22

I live by the motto that you should never lend what you cannot afford to lose.

Sinner10 · 27/05/2021 09:23

No I wouldn’t give as a gift because then it’ll become expectation. I probably wouldn’t lend it at all tbh as it always causes problems

Original poster

strawberrydonuts · 27/05/2021 09:23

@Caramel81

I would just gift the money to the cousin if I were your mum but I would make it crystal clear it was a one off unless it was literally a life or death situation in future. If the cousin would feel better paying it back then your mum should just accept the minimum payments of £10 a month or the cousin will just get into debt again trying to repay.

Yeah this is my thinking.... it's not really helping if she has to pay it back!

I said to my mum I think she should either gift it or not, but don't loan it.

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 27/05/2021 09:23

If I was your mum I'd say no.
It's not really about the money, it's cheeky and it will just bring drama into her life.

TheMadRatter · 27/05/2021 09:23

Nobody is being unreasonable, IMO.

I agree with you that lending money creates a weird dynamic. I wouldn't recommend lending money to anyone. Give money to someone instead.

But your mother is not being unreasonable, even if your cousin had asked to have it instead of lend it. Nobody has to lend or give money away to anyone they don't want to. If your cousin needs to lend £200 or so quid this time and can only pay back £10 a month, it isn't going to be hugely unlikely she will soon find herself in the exact same position, is it? Why should your mum be the bail out just because she isn't on benefits or lower paid jobs like most of the rest of her family?

FreezeMotherHubbard · 27/05/2021 09:24

Don't mean this in a critical way but its easy to have that attitude when it's not your money, plus you said yourself your mum is cagey about specifics so how could you possibly know what she could afford to give away.

Either way a significant loan repaid at £10-£20 is a bit low IMO. It's possible neither of you is BU and it's ok to have differing attitudes but it's hers that counts in this instance as she's the one being asked to give/loan money.

Original poster

strawberrydonuts · 27/05/2021 09:25

@Sinner10

No I wouldn’t give as a gift because then it’ll become expectation. I probably wouldn’t lend it at all tbh as it always causes problems

Do you think it would become expectation though?

This cousin is in her 30's and has never asked before. I really can't see it becoming a regular thing but my view is that if it does become a regular thing then you deal with it as and when that happens?

OP posts:

moynomore · 27/05/2021 09:26

I agree that a loan to friends and family is probably not a good idea. She should give it as a gift if at all.

I'm not sure it's fair though the way you talk about your mum and money. I have a family member who thinks that just because others have money, they should share it with her because she doesn't have as much. I just don't get that attitude. And it's no ones business if your mum buys herself nice things with HER money.

FreezeMotherHubbard · 27/05/2021 09:29

Do you think it would become expectation though?

Could it from other relatives? You mention a lot of them aren't as well off as your mum.

Cathie102 · 27/05/2021 09:30

If I didn't need the money then I would 100% lend it but under the strict condition that the cousin told no one where she got it. I wouldn't care if I got it back.

Maybe your parents aren't that well off though and put some stuff on credit if they're cagey about money. That could be the problem?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/05/2021 09:30

Loaning money to family members is a mine field. Give it as a gift or say no.

Sh05 · 27/05/2021 09:31

It's your mum's money and what she does with it is entirely her business.
Maybe she could offer to pay the bill direct if she wants but it wouldn't be unreasonable of her to refuse.
Your attitude towards your mother's money is a little wierd, if you feel so strongly that she should just gift the money then maybe you could help your cousin instead.

Original poster

strawberrydonuts · 27/05/2021 09:31

@FreezeMotherHubbard

Yeah, that's fair.

If my cousin had asked me rather than my mum I would just give her the money, but she hasn't (and I think I'm not really meant to know about this so can't approach her).

Seeing as my parents gave me thousands of pounds towards my wedding and will buy expensive gifts etc. everyone knows that they have plenty of money available. My mum just doesn't like any feeling of expectation on her which is fair enough.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 27/05/2021 09:31

it seems fine to pay off a few hundred quid at £20 a month to me

If it was thousands maybe not

PhatPhanny · 27/05/2021 09:32

Whether your mum is well off or not its besides the point, any money is her money and she is not obligated to help anyone.

If she did want to help, I agree that she should gift it, and not expect it back, because that just adds further financial stress on the cousin, but it should be clear its a one off and additional help with finances be given to stop this situation happening again.

Its a tough one, but ultimately your mum's decision.

LivingLaVidaCovid · 27/05/2021 09:32

You are right.
She should gift it or just not help at all.
Repayment will be messy and resentful.
If she does help she should ask the cousin to keep this private between themselves.

Notaroadrunner · 27/05/2021 09:32

Your cousin may not have asked your mother for money before now but how do you know she hasn't asked other people? I'd probably give her a couple of hundred and tell her it's a gift and tell her to please not ask again. It puts people in a very awkward position to be asked for cash.

What are her circumstances? Does she work, is she married, if so does her partner work? How has she suddenly arrived at this point where she cannot pay her bills? This needs to be addressed as otherwise what will change to enable her to pay her bills next month without more help?

kayakingmum · 27/05/2021 09:32

I would agree to giving the money on the proviso it is a one off and your cousin gives an explanation as to why she will not need to ask for more money in the future.

reprehensibleme · 27/05/2021 09:35

If you would gift the money to your cousin but you're not supposed to know about her situation you could give the money to your mum to give to your cousin.

TheMadRatter · 27/05/2021 09:36

@LivingLaVidaCovid

You are right. She should gift it or just not help at all. Repayment will be messy and resentful. If she does help she should ask the cousin to keep this private between themselves.

The mum has already blabbed to the OP - who said she wasn't supposed to know - who in turn has informed the whole of Mumsnet. I don't think this family practices "keep this private".

Original poster

strawberrydonuts · 27/05/2021 09:38

The mum has already blabbed to the OP - who said she wasn't supposed to know - who in turn has informed the whole of Mumsnet. I don't think this family practices "keep this private"

@TheMadRatter Lol. Yup.

Well I don't think posting anonymously on mumsnet is a big deal but yes I am constantly hearing things from my family with the proviso of "don't tell so-and-so I told you this" haha

OP posts:

Spied · 27/05/2021 09:43

I think paying it back - even at £10 a month- is wise. Even more so if they are a close family member.
I once borrowed so money off a family member.My family member said he could afford to give me the money but said that he would prefer I paid it back so that if I was ever in dire straits again with money I'd not feel unable to go to him again for help as I'd paid back what I owed.
It's true that if I'd took money and didn't repay it I would indeed feel unable to ask again if times were tough and would probably land in the hands of a loan company.

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