Giving/ lending money to family

[strawberrydonuts]

My cousin has asked my mum to lend her some money towards bills etc. I'm not sure the exact amount but probably a few hundred quid.

My parents are fairly wealthy, big house and plenty of money for whatever they need with lots left over, they have nice cars (new BMW/Audis etc) and holidays etc. They have substantially more money than most of my other family members who mostly are on benefits or in lower paid jobs.

But my mum has - in my opinion - a strange attitude towards money and is quite cagey about it. She will say that no one knows how much money she has, people shouldn't assume she's well off and she "might not" have all that much. Or she will say all her money is "tied up" in savings accounts and she has no access to it, but then she'll randomly buy herself designer handbags and clothes I guess she's trying to protect her money because other family members have had issues before with constantly asking her for money.

Anyway, this cousin has never asked my mum for money before but says the situation is "desperate" and she's really struggling. My mum rang me yesterday to ask me what I think, should she lend her money? Cousin has promised to pay it back and said that she will be very very grateful... but realistically she will only be able to pay back like £10-20 a month. My mum wasn't happy with this as it's too slow.

Personally I just think this loaning money to family members creates a weird dynamic. If you are a well-off person helping out a family member who is substantially poorer and there is no existing problem with them constantly asking for money, wouldn't you just give them the money as a gift? And maybe also try to help them with a plan for not getting into that situation again?

I think me and my mum have fundamentally different attitudes to money so just wondering what the consensus is!

My view is that as you know someone isn't taking the piss, if you have the resources to help someone in your own family then why wouldn't you? If it becomes a problem and she keeps asking for more then you address it as and when that happens? But "lending" creates a weird dynamic and obligation, so I think it should just be a gift.

AIBU? Or is my mum?

@AmberIsACertainty

OP's Mum asked for her opinion.

I understand your mum's reluctance to say how much money she's got. Totally. No one else's business.

On the loan. My parents are very generous. Gifts and loans are different.

Your cousin is in debt. (Why is her aunt the person she asks? Not her uncle? Or family on her parents side? Bit odd).

Gifting money to pay off debt is a bad idea. IMO. It's just a get out of jail free thing.

My parents have gifted me money.

They have also lent me money. Which I have paid back with interest. Once for a car where I took a loan and my dad said hold on. I can lend you that the bank gives me little interest. You will be paying s lot of interest. I'll lend it, interest in the middle, win win.

Your mum is fine too not share her financial position and to buy what she wants.

If she wants to gift or lend money that's up to her.

In this situation if she wants to help. Lend it and get a standing order set up and charge s little more interest than she gets generally.

Helping family out imo is a good thing.

Depends of course on how much debt. 300/ 30000. Different.

I’m the person in my family who is better off than most others and I find it incredibly frustrating how so many people seems to have an (unsolicited) opinion on how I should spend my money. “Oh if I had your money I’d buy X car”. “You should do XYZ to the house”. “Why haven’t you done X yet?” “You should get Y”. Judging from OPs comments, this attitude isn’t just in my family. The op has made a snide remark about her mother choosing to spend her own money on designer handbags. She thinks her mother should give money away to a family member who has asked for a loan, knowing that others have previously asked and that this may open the floodgates of expectation. Despite not knowing the details of her mother’s finances, she feels able to say she has ‘plenty available’, even though she says her mother has made comments about others thinking she has more than she has. The reality is you don’t know with any certainty what your mother’s financial commitments are. It’s very very easy to spend someone else’s money for them.