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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving/ lending money to family

53 replies

strawberrydonuts · 27/05/2021 09:15

My cousin has asked my mum to lend her some money towards bills etc. I'm not sure the exact amount but probably a few hundred quid.

My parents are fairly wealthy, big house and plenty of money for whatever they need with lots left over, they have nice cars (new BMW/Audis etc) and holidays etc. They have substantially more money than most of my other family members who mostly are on benefits or in lower paid jobs.

But my mum has - in my opinion - a strange attitude towards money and is quite cagey about it. She will say that no one knows how much money she has, people shouldn't assume she's well off and she "might not" have all that much. Or she will say all her money is "tied up" in savings accounts and she has no access to it, but then she'll randomly buy herself designer handbags and clothes Hmm I guess she's trying to protect her money because other family members have had issues before with constantly asking her for money.

Anyway, this cousin has never asked my mum for money before but says the situation is "desperate" and she's really struggling. My mum rang me yesterday to ask me what I think, should she lend her money? Cousin has promised to pay it back and said that she will be very very grateful... but realistically she will only be able to pay back like £10-20 a month. My mum wasn't happy with this as it's too slow.

Personally I just think this loaning money to family members creates a weird dynamic. If you are a well-off person helping out a family member who is substantially poorer and there is no existing problem with them constantly asking for money, wouldn't you just give them the money as a gift? And maybe also try to help them with a plan for not getting into that situation again?

I think me and my mum have fundamentally different attitudes to money so just wondering what the consensus is!

My view is that as you know someone isn't taking the piss, if you have the resources to help someone in your own family then why wouldn't you? If it becomes a problem and she keeps asking for more then you address it as and when that happens? But "lending" creates a weird dynamic and obligation, so I think it should just be a gift.

AIBU? Or is my mum?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 27/05/2021 09:46

"it's not really helping if she has to pay it back!"

Of course it is. It will prevent your cousin from having to go to the likes of the Provident, or other ridiculously high interest rate lenders.

Are you also ok for money? because you don't seem to know what it's like to live week by week. In my circles it's perfectly normal to lend money to family. Lowe WC people tend to have to, also help out with childcare. If money isn't given then shopping bought etc. It works well. I don't see how it adds a strange dynamic.

I think you've all forgotten what it's like to live hand to mouth and it's just churlish to declare that 'it won't be paid back fast enough'. My and my DD have paid off a credit card and accepted slow payments, to save on the interest accruing. When you're struggling it's like treading treacle.

Giantrooster · 27/05/2021 09:58

No your cousin won't be very greatful, soon she (and the rest of the family) will be very resentful because 'your mum can do without as she is rich'.

I think there is a reason why your mum is funny with finances, apparently she grew up in different circumstances, knows what her family is like and how they perceive her having broken away from their way of money-management.

If I were her, I would probably just give it to the cousin as a one off, but this is probably not a one off from her family, I guess there is a long back story of begging and resentment.

You should never lend to friends and family if you want to stay just that.

VettiyaIruken · 27/05/2021 10:04

Sounds like the problem is half the family have their begging bowls out and although this person hasn't asked before, it is now yet another family member asking for money. She probably feels that if she starts then they'll all come knocking and be well you helped X...

I don't blame her for not wanting to have to deal with that.

TheMadRatter · 27/05/2021 10:11

@VettiyaIruken

Sounds like the problem is half the family have their begging bowls out and although this person hasn't asked before, it is now yet another family member asking for money. She probably feels that if she starts then they'll all come knocking and be well you helped X...

I don't blame her for not wanting to have to deal with that.

Exactly, and OP has already alluded to that. Seeing as my parents gave me thousands of pounds towards my wedding and will buy expensive gifts etc. everyone knows that they have plenty of money available.

The 'available' at the end is rather telling.

TwoAndAnOnion · 27/05/2021 10:13

@strawberrydonuts

I broadly agree with your OP. I dont understand why you would let family struggle when you are sitting on a cash reserve. It's a very strange mindset where you would let someone go without utilities when you can avoid that discomfort.

As an observation, finance is one of the biggest causes of breakdown and depression. How many people say 'why didn't she say something when someone commits suicide? and repost this rubbish meme if you'll be there day or night to help?

If you mother can afford to give it away, without every cousin then asking for a couple of hundred quid, then she's not obliged to, but it would be a nice thing. I live by the pay-it-forward motto.

MatildaTheCat · 27/05/2021 10:16

Why is the cousin in debt and struggling now and how can she be sure she won’t be in the same situation in another few months?

I don’t blame your DM for being vague about her finances if she’s going to be constantly targeted for handouts. Equally, if she’s fond of the cousin and she’s in a situation that can be resolved by some help, I would personally give it. But absolute secrecy required and no further cash to come.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/05/2021 10:18

Will all the other relatives start asking for loans if your mother gives this one though?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2021 10:20

Why shouldn’t your mum buy herself handbags? Hmm

Being better off than her relatives doesn’t obligate hers to pay their bills.

AbsolutePoppycock · 27/05/2021 10:21

I was in the same situation as your cousin. I set up a standing order to repay the money. I hadn't been foolish with money but making do and mend can only last for so long. I lived off tins of crap which was manageable, I just needed a bit of support
I was and am, forever grateful for the help I got and will repay the goodwill whenever I can
Not everyone asking for help is a CF

Backupthebus · 27/05/2021 10:26

I’m of the don’t loan to friends or family camp. If she gifts this cousin then all family members will feel they too are owed something.

I do feel that there maybe other practical ways to help, get a weeks shopping, or looking at debt management. Loaning money can often just be “kicking the can” of the real issue further down the road.

Seesawmummadaw · 27/05/2021 10:28

Surely if she helps your cousin the other family that have asked before will assume they can ask too.

I would stay out of it. Not your money, not your debt.

Mindymomo · 27/05/2021 10:29

I personally would gift it and say that it’s a one off gift. We lent money to a cousin years ago and waited about 5 years before they paid it back, despite being able to earlier than that. We had wrote that money off. That same cousin has fallen out with her son for lending money and him not paying it back.

If she wants to lend it, get it in writing. Just a couple of lines saying ..... is lending ..... and ..... agrees to pay it back at 10/20 per month.

TillyTopper · 27/05/2021 10:31

I think YABU. I never lend money to family, friends or anyone. I think it causes massive tensions, no one knows your Mum's situation either. Why should she lend or give it away - it's her money!

Cryalot2 · 27/05/2021 10:32

Why did your cousin get into debt?
Just because your mum has money that doesn't say she should be obligated to lend or give to anyone.
Some people are bad with money others good.
I never lend or borrow. My adult kids buy nothing unless they have the money

Iwonder08 · 27/05/2021 10:34

You are very unreasonable. Your mum is not a charity company, it is not her job to save all the poor relatives.

LindaEllen · 27/05/2021 10:47

It depends entirely on her relationship with the cousin. If they are close, and she has never asked her for money before, I expect it was quite hard for her to do so - and she may well be desperate. With this being the case, I would lend it to her, and allow her to pay back £10-£20 a week as she wanted - as I wouldn't have needed the money back quickly!

Sometimes you just have to help people when they reach out to you. A couple of hundred might not be much to your mum (and she will get it back eventually) but it could help a family member out of a really tight and stressful hole.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 27/05/2021 10:50

Personally I am totally with your mother on this one. Never lend money to relatives or friends, it rarely gets paid back. I think that your cousin is being a bit cheeky in asking too.

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/05/2021 10:55

I'm with you on this but I can understand you Mam's perspective too.

KateAustin · 31/05/2021 00:28

I agree Karen. Life is hard

katy1213 · 31/05/2021 00:45

It's cheeky to ask - and if she must ask, why not ask her parents rather than an aunt? It does sound as if the family generally have too much opinion about what your mother should be doing with her money.
And what exactly are these bills? Food on the table or a lifestyle she can't afford on credit cards?

PinkSatinMoon · 31/05/2021 00:56

I agree with @katy1213

Why isn't she asking her own Parents ?

Paying a loan back at £10 a month is likely never getting Paid back.

🌸

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/05/2021 01:53

Yeah this is my thinking.... it's not really helping if she has to pay it back!

I don't understand how you've come to this conclusion? Of course it's helping... if no interest is being added, the amount owed is static therefore can be budgeted for more easily. And if a manageable amount of repayment per month can be agreed (note can - it's totally your mum's call what that is and then the recipient's decision as to whether the accept the generous offer) and is manageable, it can make a huge difference versus the likely amount debtors would want. Not sure why that's a difficult thing to understand?

memberofthewedding · 31/05/2021 01:56

When I was a young single woman in a professional job my sister was trying to contact me to borrow money. It was for a "deposit" on a house from one of those schemes you used to see on the back pages of certain papers. I knew this because she had tried my parents but they had refused because they distrusted the scheme. I just made myself "unavailable" and never answered the door when they called. Ive never lent money to a friend or family member. I have occasionally given someone money when they needed a new washing machine or a vital domestic item broke.

Gothichouse40 · 31/05/2021 02:06

Never a borrower or a lender be. We have been stung and would never lend again. Do it once you will just get pestered for money again. The thing that bugs me is, it's usually the folk who say they are skint, who have the most extravagant lifestyles. That really annoys me. Your cousin should not be putting your mother in this position. Why isn't your cousin asking her own parents, if things are that bad? Or does your cousin have form for being awful with money? My guess is cousin will borrow the money, they will start off paying £10-£20, then the excuses will start, sorry can't pay this week as x has happened. Possibly the payments will just fizzle out, then your cousin will begin to avoid you all. Your mother is correct not to discuss money with anyone, it's no one's business but her own.

AmberIsACertainty · 31/05/2021 02:20

Your attitude about your mum being cagey and having money tied up but then buys herself things is unreasonable. Its her money! She doesn't have to lend it to someone else and deny herself something he wants. Lots of savings accounts which are locked for a few years mean if you take the money out early you forfeit any interest and the account reverts to a bog standard basic account. Just because your mum has money doesn't give others the right to spend it for her. If she wants to invest it it's hers to invest.

On that note I do sometimes find rich people to be rich precisely because they're tight with money. Not saying this is your mum, but it could be and if it is that's fine, she's entitled to be herself. I'm not rich but for a long time I had something others were often envious of and "wished they could afford". Well, they could have afforded it if they'd been willing to give up all the things I gave up to afford it.

The bit about dealing with multiple asks when it happens can result in a lot of lost loaned/gifted money I've time. It makes no difference to the person giving if the money has all gone to one person or lots of different people. The end result is the same.

In this particular instance I'd be very wary. Money for bills? What bills? Utilities? That's someone living beyond their means. Which in turn means it'll never be paid back. And if it is, there'll be something else they need to borrow for. IME a lot of people borrowing from family or friends, especially if that's not their default behaviour and they haven't asked before, it's because they can't get credit elsewhere because they're already up to their eyes in debt. If it's utilities and a basic debt (not a default on a debt arrears arrangement) the cousins can sort out a payment plan with the company for their arrears.

Plenty are just feckless with money spending in whatever they like too. Then when they run out tap someone else up for something essential that has to be paid. Most people need to learn to budget better and cut their cloth accordingly. Most people IME are unwilling to. There's the odd case of bad luck but most financial crises are avoidable, I think, if they're even crises at all.