To not want to spend lots on my mum’s birthday

[1975baby]

Love my mum to bits, we get on brilliantly, she’s always been great with her grandchildren, etc. Literally her only flaw - she never makes any effort with birthdays (I buy stuff the kids which she then pays me back for and hands over as her present to them). And for my birthdays - money in a card or perhaps the promise of a night babysitting and meal paid for that just somehow never happens. And sometimes just nothing if they’re away over my birthday (they like to travel). My last ‘big’ birthday (40) I got £50 in my birthday card. Zero effort. I actually went in another room and had a little cry (yes I know, a bit pathetic). She’s pretty thick skinned - she didn’t notice I was upset. I always take time to buy her something nice for birthdays and mother’s days. Now it’s her 70th coming up and my sister wants to take her and her husband out for a fancy meal (I’m talking £100 a head type meal), go halves on a present for her costing nearly £400 and also organise a small party. I can afford this but I’m still peeved she makes no effort and yet we’re spending lots of time and money doing all this. I know I should just let it go but it still bugs me!

No advice but I feel you - my mum is the same.

I wouldn’t, just get Dsis to do her own thing.

YANBU why should you spend that amount and give it that much thought when she can’t be bothered to do the same . Fwiw I think your sisters plan is OTT anyway .

I feel that when the children get older and start earning their own money then gifts from parents can either stop or turn into just cash.

Then the children can spoil the parents with their can should they want to and be able to afford it.

My parents give me a bit of cash for birthdays/Christmas but I always buy them a gift it would be weird to give them cash.

With their cash*

I would say I am going my own thing, I hate it when people try to get you to put into an expensive gift they want to get! In our family, if something cost £400 it would be split between 28 of us and the person doing the collection would meet the shortfall if they didn't raise enough capital.

My mum is the same and I have to think of something for her birthday in 10 days time. I have bought her nice things before but they haven’t really been appreciated, last year I asked her what she wanted and she asked for 2 plants for the garden, they ended up costing me £30 which was more than I wanted to spend but at least it was something she wanted. I think this year I will just buy her some flowers and chocolates.

DSIS can do her thing, you do yours. I think sometimes the gifts are more about the feeling the giver gets than the receiver. I take it DSIS is wealthy in comparison to you .

My mum is the same yet expects the gold carpet rolled out for her and loads of money spent and even hints up to the weeks following up to it "I like this but it's £300.... maybe you could get it for my birthday present." Kind of thing yet has forgotten my birthday more then once!
I cut down last year and refuse to spend over £40 on her birthday. She's still not got the hint. 😅

Remember it is your sister suggesting this, not your mum. And £50 in a birthday card sounds quite generous to me! My late mum would put £10 in a card and think that generous. Your mum gives what is important which is love for her family. That is priceless.

If you can afford it do it. I'm not a fan of this, 'teaching someone a lesson,' carry on. She's your mum. Make her happy. Set a good example to your own children.

I'm the present buyer in my family. And I totally get where you're coming from. I spend ages finding things people will like, my mum always asks me for help when buying special presents for my aunts or brother, yet when it comes to my birthday it's cash in a card.

I get that its easier and I'm grateful but I would prefer they out a little thought into it. I have an amazon wishlist, I have known hobbies. Even a fiver spent on a book would show some effort was spent. Plus I find with cash it tends to go on "normal" stuff as I'm not exactly flush most of the time.

However, as I am a low earner and the money is appreciated so I just keep Schtum and say thank you. Not everyone gets the same buzz from finding the perfect gift that I do.

I would suggest one or the other, e.g. meal or present. Seems like your sister wants a fuss and your mum doesn't care about birthdays at all.

I’m 58 now and so not bothered about birthdays. I’d actually be quite cross if my kids wasted £100s on me. Do you think your mum and dad would actually want such a fuss? Or is it all being driven by your sister?

I can’t imagine not making a fuss about grandchild’s birthday, though.

Oh yeah, she loves people making a fuss of her!

I'm in the same predicament with my mum. She's thoughtless with presents, even once wrapped up an article of her own clothing to give me as a present. I'm 5'7" and was a size 10. She's 4'11" and was an 18 so you can imagine.

We recently got to a point in a conversation where "we" agreed not to exchange presents anymore. This was more so that I could say in an easy way that I wouldn't be giving her anything. I felt so awful, I love her and I love giving presents but it can be so hurtful when some aspect of it isn't reciprocated.

I do. I still make an effort to buy her things I know she’d like even though I know that thought and effort won’t be returned.

For me presents are not about how much money is spent but the thought. Unless I tell my parents what I want I get very predictable what I would call safe and boring, I know they buy what they think I would liek but there is zero thought. My mum is very much like yours, when it's her birthday or any celebration relating to her it's a massive deal.

In your situation I would just tell your sister that you have sorted her gift already and that you cannot afford the meal. Get her to stick with the party and keep it small and cheap.

Somebody gives you £50 as a present and you cry over it? Your mum probably has no idea what you'd like and wanted you to treat yourself.
And don't you think that by the time you're 40, the expensive presents should be from children to parents and not vice versa?
If you can't afford it, then don't. But you say you can afford it - you just begrudge it as you're not getting exactly the same back from a mum you love and who's great with your children? I don't know anyone in real life who would treat their mother in such a calculating way for a 70th birthday!

I am a bit older.
Last year I was only one who bought mum anything. She was unwell and I spent more than normal. She passed on a few months later, but enjoyed her gift.
Op do what is right for you, do not go to the crazy expensive meal.

Nah fuck that...

Tell your sister you are doing your own thing.
A 100 ~john lewis gift voucher~ present is more than fine.

Different Love Languages maybe? Does she express her love & appreciation of you in other ways?

Katy1213 - she knows what I like and £50
Is nothing to her. Yes, I was upset that no effort had been made. I’m not sure what behaviour from me you think is calculating? I will go along with all the plans I mentioned.

I would tell your sister that you’ll do your own thing for your mum’s birthday. Does it not annoy your sister that your mum is like this with presents?

My mother is the same. £20 in a card, zero effort but will then go to turn her nose up at any thoughtful gifts I give her. I've made a game of it now.

There's not a chance in hell I would do what your family are planning. Fuck that shit.

Give her 50 quid in a card.