Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not want to spend lots on my mum’s birthday

75 replies

1975baby · 26/05/2021 20:24

Love my mum to bits, we get on brilliantly, she’s always been great with her grandchildren, etc. Literally her only flaw - she never makes any effort with birthdays (I buy stuff the kids which she then pays me back for and hands over as her present to them). And for my birthdays - money in a card or perhaps the promise of a night babysitting and meal paid for that just somehow never happens. And sometimes just nothing if they’re away over my birthday (they like to travel). My last ‘big’ birthday (40) I got £50 in my birthday card. Zero effort. I actually went in another room and had a little cry (yes I know, a bit pathetic). She’s pretty thick skinned - she didn’t notice I was upset. I always take time to buy her something nice for birthdays and mother’s days. Now it’s her 70th coming up and my sister wants to take her and her husband out for a fancy meal (I’m talking £100 a head type meal), go halves on a present for her costing nearly £400 and also organise a small party. I can afford this but I’m still peeved she makes no effort and yet we’re spending lots of time and money doing all this. I know I should just let it go but it still bugs me!

OP posts:

SarahBellam · 26/05/2021 21:08

Would your mum actually want that? Sounds like she doesn’t value birthdays or see them as a big deal. I’d bu her a big tin of Quality Street and a bottle of gin.

Howshouldibehave · 26/05/2021 21:12

@1975baby

Oh yeah, she loves people making a fuss of her!

That’s a bit crap if she wants a fuss made of her, but never makes a fuss out of her family

osbertthesyrianhamster · 26/05/2021 21:13

I'd tell her you're doing your own thing.

AbsolutePoppycock · 26/05/2021 21:15

@SarahBellam

Would your mum actually want that? Sounds like she doesn’t value birthdays or see them as a big deal. I’d bu her a big tin of Quality Street and a bottle of gin.

The OP has previously said her mum likes a fuss

blahblahfootballblah · 26/05/2021 21:18

I think it depends if you would regret it down the line.

WannabePilot · 26/05/2021 21:20

My mum is exactly like yours. She’s even forgotten my birthday a few times. But she’s brilliant in so many ways, does so much for my family - taking a basket of ironing off or emptying my dishwasher or having the kids in school hols. So I overlook the birthday stuff because in the scheme of things it doesn’t matter. She shows her love in other ways, and it sounds like that’s how your mum is too.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 26/05/2021 21:22

I always thought that you gave a present out of generosity, not because you wanted something in return.
Your mum won’t be around forever - a party sounds like a great idea. Sack off the rest of it, it’s OTT.celebrating is about people , not buying stuff.

Clevererthanyou · 26/05/2021 21:24

YANBU. My H grandmother recently gave him an out of date ladies perfume set with 3 out of 5 items missing for his birthday, the box was battered and covered in dirt. He genuinely expects absolutely nothing for any occasion and he feels awful when people go to great efforts on special days for him but I know that this gift genuinely hurt his feelings. I won’t be going to the lengths that I used to on her birthday anymore, or any occasion tbh.

WhyMrsRobinson · 26/05/2021 21:26

My mum always said, ‘you are a grown up, and I don’t know what you want, so here’s £50 ( or more likely £20) ‘ in a card. She doesn’t do birthdays, ( I think she feels pressured - I know I do). but I do them for her because I enjoy treating her, and because she’s my mum and slaved and loved me for x years ad I think that’s amazing. Recent,y it’s been,’ I’ll give the jgrandchildren 20. Could you give it to them’ of course I could take offence but I think it’s family, 7it will all come out in the wash.
I also have a v rich sibling who would want to take mum out for £100s. It’s his choice to do that, He would expect to pay. He did too, and looke d a bit green when the bill came, but he still said, ‘ no, it was my idea, I’ll pay’ I suggest saying what he would say to me which is, ‘ wel, that’s your choice, you can take her to x which is £100s and I will take her to y which is free.’ As he would say, ‘ you do you’. Also, you say she is amazing in all other aspects except this tiny thing once a year. Where you have different expectations? Have you discussed it? My mum came from a generation where a birthday was a small affair, maybe a gift of a monopoly set or similar. Maybe expectations have changed in the last few years? Also my granny would give us a fiver, not realising that you can’t get anything for a fiver really. In the end I think It’s all about the love. And good grief, it sounds like your mum loves you, so who cares about the odd £ here or there really.
I may be a bit emotional because mum is I’ll and I have had a drink. Just se the bigger picture she is,your mum. Wo cares about wh does big presents and who doesn’t. You all do what you enjoy doing and the main thing is you are together . Which is the most valuable thing ever.

Idontknowanymore05 · 26/05/2021 21:31

@katy1213

Somebody gives you £50 as a present and you cry over it? Your mum probably has no idea what you'd like and wanted you to treat yourself. And don't you think that by the time you're 40, the expensive presents should be from children to parents and not vice versa? If you can't afford it, then don't. But you say you can afford it - you just begrudge it as you're not getting exactly the same back from a mum you love and who's great with your children? I don't know anyone in real life who would treat their mother in such a calculating way for a 70th birthday!

Getting £50 in a card for a big birthday is thoughtless. Her mum should know what she likes. Its her mum for goodness sake. If she didn't, she could ask? A gift is usually well thought out & wrapped with love! If it doesn't bother you, fine! But it does the op.

Op @1975baby I feel you. We are in similar situations. I carry on giving my mum thought out gifts though. I can't change her but I won't stop being who I am, if that makes sense.

Feelingfrustrated990 · 26/05/2021 21:35

I got two poundland gifts for my last bday then couple weeks later £10 as a after thought

FluffyRabbitGal · 26/05/2021 21:37

I’m with you- it’s not the cash value which is important, it’s the thought or complete lack of it in this case.
My great aunt used to buy gifts, which on the face of it looked terrible, she used to put so much thought into it that I was always thankful- in my first year at uni she bought me a child’s magic set for Christmas, because she remembered taking me to see a magician as a child. My great uncle said she looked all over for one, bless her.
I personally would match the effort she makes for you.

Tereo · 26/05/2021 21:38

Your mum sounds really fab you're very lucky. Ye get on brilliantly and she's great with your kids... But she's not fussed on birthdays?? that is such a small thing.. maybe i'm like her!
Just do your own thing don't feel under pressure from your sis.. but if you think you'd all enjoy the night out your sister suggests, just do it. Life is so short, she's such a great mum why not make a fuss of her.

Lalliebelle · 26/05/2021 21:39

My parents are the same and it's quite hurtful. This year is the first year I've stopped doing gifts for them and just send a card. They have not mentioned it.

Jumpingintosummer · 26/05/2021 21:40

It’s all a bit excessive. Surely if she wants a party her husband would throw it or herself for that matter?

Rube51 · 26/05/2021 21:43

I don't really have any advice as such but my mum is similar.

My mum literally gets me nothing for birthday or Christmas. Money is not the issue either. My siblings have loads! They aren't poor.

I know you shouldn't expect gifts but I've always bought my mum nice things and never had anything in return. So I've slowed it right down and try do spend next to nothing now.

Just do your own thing. Buy her a cheap token gift or two from her grandchildren and leave it at that.

reader12 · 26/05/2021 21:44

@clevererthanyou my MIL gave me a half empty old bottle of perfume this Christmas. She used to get me loads of lovely presents all thoughtfully chosen & beautifully wrapped but now she has dementia and in her head the old bottle of perfume is the same as the stuff she used to get me. That made me wonder if something similar is going on with your husband’s grandma.

Missfelipe · 26/05/2021 21:45

My mother is the same. Unfortunately she does not make up for it in other ways. We can’t win with birthdays for her, it’s never good enough no matter what we do. She’s the type that would ask for something really expensive, she knows I earn well but I point blank refuse and keep to the limit I’ve always had. Do your own thing is my advice, it’s endless trying to please otherwise.

Giantrooster · 26/05/2021 21:47

Card and money. If she starts comparing to how caring your sister is, be prepared to say 'uh i thought that was the way you liked it, as you do it like that '.

It could however be that she feels you have less cash to spend on yourself and think this is a way for you to pamper yourself and not the family, dc etc?

baldafrique · 26/05/2021 21:51

50 quid in a card seems quite generous to me from a mother to an adult child!

MintyMabel · 26/05/2021 21:53

My sister is brilliant at gift buying. I’m shit at it. Thankfully she doesn’t just decide I’m not worth the effort.

Rmka · 26/05/2021 21:53

My mum was only good at buying presents when we were kids. Once we became teenagers and then adults it changed. I accepted it, my sister didn't. I usually tell my mum ideas of what I want and then she either buys it or gives me money, or asks my sister to sort it.

People show love in different ways. And they want to receive love in a certain way. I think you and my sister care about it more than I do, and that's definitely not unreasonable. It's your feelings and emotions and they're valid. Regarding your sister's idea you're also not unreasonable, just be honest with her and maybe together you'll find another present for your mum.

Maybe try thinking of other ways your mum is showing you her love? That could help you make peace with the fact she doesn't make effort with presents. Or, if it helps, try talking to her about it. It's your mum so it shouldn't be awkward.

Aprilx · 26/05/2021 22:01

I think cash gifts to children / teenagers is fine but otherwise I don’t like to give or receive cash gifts. But not everyone thinks like that, there are so many posters on MN that would swear cash is better as a gift.

My parents didn’t quite make it to see my 40th but I am pretty sure that they would not have done anything special. I think when you are an adult child, the tables turn and there is a bit more effort celebrating their birthdays and special occasions.

RandomUsernameHere · 26/05/2021 22:04

I'm not sure that asking what the DC want, or giving money, is necessarily the same as not making an effort. Some people are hard to buy for and maybe she doesn't like waste.

goose1964 · 26/05/2021 22:04

I'd never expect an expensive gift from my children. I'm 60 in a few years time and I'll be happy just having a meal in a local restaurant.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread