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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to spend lots on my mum’s birthday

75 replies

1975baby · 26/05/2021 20:24

Love my mum to bits, we get on brilliantly, she’s always been great with her grandchildren, etc. Literally her only flaw - she never makes any effort with birthdays (I buy stuff the kids which she then pays me back for and hands over as her present to them). And for my birthdays - money in a card or perhaps the promise of a night babysitting and meal paid for that just somehow never happens. And sometimes just nothing if they’re away over my birthday (they like to travel). My last ‘big’ birthday (40) I got £50 in my birthday card. Zero effort. I actually went in another room and had a little cry (yes I know, a bit pathetic). She’s pretty thick skinned - she didn’t notice I was upset. I always take time to buy her something nice for birthdays and mother’s days. Now it’s her 70th coming up and my sister wants to take her and her husband out for a fancy meal (I’m talking £100 a head type meal), go halves on a present for her costing nearly £400 and also organise a small party. I can afford this but I’m still peeved she makes no effort and yet we’re spending lots of time and money doing all this. I know I should just let it go but it still bugs me!

OP posts:
Rabbitheadlights · 26/05/2021 22:16

Not RTFT but today is the anniversary of my mum's death. I'd give anything to spoil her, you say she's great with the grandchildren and you get on brilliantly etc then honestly OP I'd let it go none of this stuff matters really

Tereo · 26/05/2021 22:40

@Rabbitheadlights

Not RTFT but today is the anniversary of my mum's death. I'd give anything to spoil her, you say she's great with the grandchildren and you get on brilliantly etc then honestly OP I'd let it go none of this stuff matters really
So agree with this. Stop being petty , chill out and enjoy spoiling your mum who you say you get on brilliantly with. Who cares if she gets you a presie or not she obviously loves you and your DC dearly
hauntedcomputer · 26/05/2021 22:40

Your sister's plan seems somewhat over the top. An expensive meal out AND an expensive gift AND throwing a party? That's a lot! I'd agree to do some of it (the party and a gift, if not the one she's mentioned) and leave it at that.

If someone wants a fuss made of them, they need to make a fuss of others. I don't personally see a problem with giving a cash gift, if I have no idea what else to give, but then I'd also be happy to receive a cash gift. I wouldn't give cash and then be put out if I was given the same kind of gift.

Gooseberrypies · 26/05/2021 23:00

@katy1213

Somebody gives you £50 as a present and you cry over it? Your mum probably has no idea what you'd like and wanted you to treat yourself. And don't you think that by the time you're 40, the expensive presents should be from children to parents and not vice versa? If you can't afford it, then don't. But you say you can afford it - you just begrudge it as you're not getting exactly the same back from a mum you love and who's great with your children? I don't know anyone in real life who would treat their mother in such a calculating way for a 70th birthday!
This has to be a joke reply? If your mum shouldn't know what you like, given she has had your entire life to find out, who bloody should?!?!
Clevererthanyou · 27/05/2021 00:05

@reader12 Oh bugger, Nanny used to buy beautiful perfumes/colognes too :/ my lovely in laws spend loads of time with her and they keep telling me they’re worried, perhaps it’s time for a gentle conversation as they’ve mentioned the possibility of dementia as well.

Robin233 · 27/05/2021 01:11

I'd love 50 quid in a birthday card!
0ur Family rule was presents for kids birthdays up to 16 and then stop.
We all love each other so it works well.
Maybe it is about love languages because a card for me means people are thinking about you. And that's enough
Our 4 kids had some great presents growing up but now it's just a card.
Same at Christmas.
Mil is 81 today - card sent - will visit at weekend. She has everything she needs and is really looking forward to visit. First since September as been sheiding.

HeartvsBrain · 27/05/2021 07:04

I think that it is so sad that you feel this way OP. I am in my 60's (and yes I do have the excuse of bad health, but I do a lot of non-grocery on-line shopping, so no excuse really), and once my children reached their teens I asked them if they would prefer me to buy them presents, or give them money, luckily for me, they chose money. If you add up the years that I spent shopping for birthdays for all of them, it adds up to about 45 years worth of birthday presents, and that was just for their birthdays. For Christmas they all get money now (the same amount each for them and their partners), but if any are staying over on Christmas eve they also get about 12-15 presents each from Santa - I had 4 adult children staying over last Christmas (because we had been living together during lockdown). I love giving them the Santa presents, they choose to ask Santa for one each, and the others are smaller, and some of them just silly fun presents. However, after Christmas I am exhausted from all the choosing, ordering, keeping a record of, hiding and wrapping them; I know that my ill health won't let me do this for much longer, but I hope to do at least a few more years.
Sorry, I have gone into too much detail here, what I am trying to say is that the Mum part of me who bought their presents when they were children, and made their themed birthday cakes, was running out of steam a bit by the time they hit their mid teens (obviously not just with birthdays and Christmas, I felt that if I never had to make another packed lunch for school in my whole life, it would be too soon!) I was worn out. I could never stop trying to be or wanting to be the emotional support they need now they are all adults (whilst I am still compos mentis at least), but the physical aspects of child rearing are sadly behind me (because of my illnesses), most people in their 60's can of course go on much longer than I can, but maybe like me, some were very grateful when their children either told them that they would prefer money for their presents, or when they, the ageing parents, quite reasonably assumed that their children would prefer to have the money to buy their own treats.
That I now get very thoughtful presents from most of my children, one has mental health problems and doesn't usually get me anything, is absolutely lovely, they don't seem to resent that they now only get money from me.
I wish you didn't resent your Mum OP, as you imply that she shows her love in other - and I would say - much more important ways.
By the way, I still bought, hopefully thoughtful, gifts, for my parents and in-law, until the last one sadly died in 2019, in her 90's! I was always so grateful to get money as presents from my parents and in-law, even though when my children were young, the money usually went to pay bills, or get things for the children.

ICanSmellSummerComing · 27/05/2021 07:24

Op I think there is a big difference between someone who does make efforts over the presents and someone who doesn't and never does.

My dm was similar ish although not quite as laid back, eg if I didn't get anything it wasn't through her being nasty or pa.

Mil on the other hand does do gifts and let's us know how she feels via presents and it's nasty.

As your dm for some reason doesn't do bdays I wouldn't take it personally but I'm surprised you can't ask her why!..

On this occasion as you do get on I would simply spoil her.
You said she's been good with your dc I assume she's a trust worthy and kind person to look after them which is worth it's weight in gold.

ICanSmellSummerComing · 27/05/2021 07:27

I have also love money in a card! It's my favourite gift! That is effort, but I'm sure money in a card must have background?

Tinty · 27/05/2021 07:32

^Love my mum to bits, we get on brilliantly, she’s always been great with her grandchildren, etc^

Did your mum get your nice presents and parties, or things you wanted as a child? I presume she probably did or you would have just been giving her £20 in a card as an adult yourself, as that would have been how you were brought up.

If she did, then I would just do the birthday and present thing with Dsis and suck up the fact she is rubbish at presents now.

A great relationship with your Dmum is not to be sniffed at.

ICanSmellSummerComing · 27/05/2021 07:32

Also where is the crime with a mum liking a fuss made?

Surely a decent mum whose usually supportive, kind, did a reasonable job on your childhood deserves some fuss once a year?

I wish I was more flush when dm was alive and I wish I had treated her more. I absolutely appreciated and loved dm when alive but I wasn't flush at all.
However, I didn't quite realise what a crap mum is until I met and experienced dh mum, my Mil.. A very good present giver when she wants but also weapinses presents when she wants.
. She's also useless and nasty in every other way. I'd take the loving kind parents who are slightly useless when it comes to gifts any day.

iminthegarden · 27/05/2021 07:36

Have you got kids? Ask them to make her something and a homemade card and tell your mum you wanted to do something personal for such a big birthday.

Livingintheclouds · 27/05/2021 07:39

My mother didn't make much fuss about birthdays once we were adults. And never wanted acknowledgement that she was getting any older! She would love a meal out or thoughtful gift, but wouldn't be hinting or expecting it.
But you know I'm coming from the perspective as someone whose parents are no longer living. I think it's not 'she never does this so I won't either'. I'd give a lot to see my mum again and know I made her happy. I'm sure your mother did much for you in less tangible ways, and if she gets pleasure from gifts and being made a fuss of, why not? You don't have to be as extravagant as your sister if you don't want to, but I'd stop the tit for tat.

honeygirlz · 27/05/2021 08:20

@1975baby

Katy1213 - she knows what I like and £50 Is nothing to her. Yes, I was upset that no effort had been made. I’m not sure what behaviour from me you think is calculating? I will go along with all the plans I mentioned.
Why?! OP, you don’t need to spend hundreds, time to nip this in the bud now and limit to £50.
StColumbofNavron · 27/05/2021 08:25

I don’t give to receive and I enjoy planning, organising or putting lots of thought into things. My DH is a bit like this. It’s my 40th coming up and I’m not expecting anything particularly special. He’ll take all the family to my favourite restaurant and probably get me vouchers for theatre or books (which I will appreciate) but he won’t think much beyond that. For his, I organised I.e. booked the restaurant, invited his family, had a special cake made, had favours and lots of touches and took him away to Monaco (he enjoys a casino and LV was too far). I don’t really mind though, I’ve got some niche things planned with various groups of friends.

AbjectHorror · 27/05/2021 09:34

I'd let it go OP. My mum died 8 weeks ago in her early 60s (cancer). She was a hit and miss gift giver, and often just a bit of cash and a Moonpig card.

She knew she'd be dead before my 31st so bought me a very thoughtful sentimental gift for my 30th. I was pregnant when they diagnosed her cancer and fortunately she at least met my DC who's nearly one before she died.

I'd give anything for my DC to have my wonderful mum as a grandma. The things I remember about her have nothing to do with her gift giving ability. Your mum sounds lovely.

AbjectHorror · 27/05/2021 09:35

On the other hand, OP, if you don't want to go along with sibling's birthday plans then don't! Do your own thing.

Minstermouse · 27/05/2021 09:40

SarahBellam

Would your mum actually want that? Sounds like she doesn’t value birthdays or see them as a big deal. I’d bu her a big tin of Quality Street and a bottle of gin.“

Would you like an extra mum? Grin

PaperbackRider · 27/05/2021 09:55

Also where is the crime with a mum liking a fuss made?

If you want a fuss made of you on your birthday but you're not willing to do the slightest bit of fuss for other peoples, do you not see a problem?

sansou · 27/05/2021 10:14

MIL sends a card to DH - that's it. She does however, phones DH to remind him of SIL's birthday and to order him not to forget it. SIL (golden child) is in her late 30's. SIL completely forgets DH's birthday - no text/phone call, nothing although she generally remembers our DCs' most years. Bothers me less over the years because I have very low expectations now. She doesn't make up for it either in any other ways - in time/attention. DH phones her, she rarely phones us and when she does, it's ALL about the golden child...... Favouritism sucks!

Let's just say, I have relinquished the responsibility of present/card buying duties for DH's family a few years ago. He's crap at it but doesn't feel bad because it's a little quid pro quo. However, I do remind him of nephews'/nieces' birthdays so feel zero guilt.

Massive contrast to my relationship with my parents.

ZenNudist · 27/05/2021 10:26

I think you can still spoil your mum for her birthday. Just pay for a normal restaurant between you and dsis and spring for a nice £100 gift between you. Or she do her own thing and you just buy flowers.

I think you are unreasonable to hold yiur dm gift giving over her. You dont give to receive.

My dm is rubbish with gifts but I don't begrudge her a birthday or Christmas gift.

It was FIL 70th last weekend and we paid for a meal for him but not £100 per head.

thisplaceisweird · 27/05/2021 21:16

Depending on how upset you are, I'd do exactly the same as she did for you. If she kicks up a fuss, say.. it's exactly what you gave me? I don't get it?

Might make her think

Hankunamatata · 27/05/2021 21:18

My mums the same but she always gives me something. I quite like cash in a card 🤷‍♀️

KarmaStar · 27/05/2021 22:11

Count your blessings,you and your mum have a loving relationship,she does mostly give you a card which shows she cares.just because she doesn't make a big fuss does not mean she doesn't care.
You are very lucky to have your mum.
Big birthday celebrations are for children.

caty86 · 15/09/2021 19:48

I'm having the same issue. My mum is very good to our kids throughout the year and helps out a lot. However when it comes to birthdays I get such anxiety because my sister (who doesn't work, is married to a millionaire and has no concept of money) always wants to spend a few hundred each. This year is her 70th and we have bought her a £700 piece of furniture between the 2 of us, we are taking her to the most expensive restaurant in town where the bill will be split between the 2 of us (even though I can't drink as I'm pregnant and actually shouldn't be out as I am meant to be isolating) . Then on top of this we paid for cake, make up and hair on the day. All in I will be spending about £700 myself, which is a big proportion of our monthly wage and I am about to have little income being on maternity. My sister makes me feel so guilty if I push back on anything so I've learned to just go with it but with so much resentment that I end up dreading the whole party. As well as that my sister and mum have become a lot closer because they both don't work (I work full time with young kids) and both spend their free time shopping and dining out, so my mum genuinely thinks my sister as organised and paid for the most of the party and this happens every year.

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