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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this suspicious? Affair maybe?

91 replies

MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 14:50

I don’t know if I’m loosing my mind!

Been with partner for 16 years, we have two kids together.

He has always deleted his watts app messages (every night) for years. He is in a lot of groups with friends and it’s never bothered me (even though I’ve never seen the messages but always just looked like mates chatting rubbish, family group, work group). He says he deletes them for storage and to delete photos as the send each other a lot of stupid photos. This has been the case for years.

He has also been on furlough for over 12 months and at home everyday! I mean every day too, so he is not physically seeing anyone.

Yesterday was his first day back at work. This morning I grabbed his phone to check the weather and didn’t know where the app was so went onto Google and discovered he had it in private mode? I asked why and he said he had no idea. I asked what he was searching for and he said nothing and that he didn’t even know it was on.
(I don’t have a problem with porn but he has always maintained for the full 16 years he’s just not into that and doesn’t bother with it) I genuinely don’t think he was searching for porn.

So couple that with his first day back at work and he deletes watts app chats, that I’m know curios about, what do you think?

I asked him why his being so secretive and the response I was met with was not reassuring at all!! Threw phone, got angry, said I was the problem for making this a thing! (But his the secretive one so how is this my fault!?)

He has literally been home everyday for months though so what do people think or am I making something out of nothing?

And with regards to the relationship, yes, he has pulled away slowly over the last few years. ( I put that down to us just being together so long though)

AIBU to think something is going on here even if I don’t know what?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 14:51

Also, it’s a male dominated place he works at.

OP posts:
CanIBeACurlyGirl · 26/05/2021 14:53

Getting angry and throwing the phone would be a red flag for me.

Total innocence would reveal as concern at making you worried would it not? What's he got to be angry/defensive about?

Original poster
MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 14:57

Yes, he never gets angry either!
His also gone to work and not said bye, plus ignoring my messages.

Out of character for him. I can’t work out if his mad I’ve clocked something or if his mad I’m accusing him of something horrible when he would never do that. His always been vocal about people cheating and how people arnt “old fashioned” like him anymore.

I’m loosing my mind! I can’t figure out if I’m being a fool or if I’m being thick!!

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 26/05/2021 15:05

You’ve hit a nerve.

Francescaisstressed · 26/05/2021 15:13

The throwing the phone is weird, but can I ask if you regularly accuse him of cheating etc? If you are overly jealous he may just be angry at constant accusations?
Tbh deleting WhatsApp messages and going on private Google sounds like he just wants privacy, doesn't sound the alarm bells for an affair to me. Are you sure his friends are sending offensive memes?
Does he actually have time to cheat? Like is he working away/out of the house alot?

TwoAndAnOnion · 26/05/2021 15:17

I delete my messages daily. I really don't see the issue.

Whatsapp particularly I find clutters my phone. I'm in several muted groups (Neighbourhood watch, work) and my phone is filled it utter shite every day, people selling crap, stupid jokes and memes - whether you look at the group or not, it just arrives on your phone

Original poster
MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 15:18

No I have never accused him of anything. I don’t ask to see his phone or ask him who his talking to or anything like that at all.

Well that’s the thing, he doesn’t have time to cheat. His always home or at work. No weekends away, no work outings, no going to the shop for milk when we have some, nothing!

OP posts:
MrsSandy · 26/05/2021 15:18

It's not suspicious. It's just technology sanity to me.

I work in IT and I only ever use private browsing as the browsers completely invade your privacy. To me it's lunacy not to.

Deleting WhatsApp's is a bit odd. But not if that's normal behaviour for him. Is he a bit routine or OCD orientated?

I think you've read too much into it.

Original poster
MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 15:19

But then why all the secrecy. His reaction is what’s really making this a thing.

OP posts:
LadyOfLittleLeisure · 26/05/2021 15:23

I couldn't live with a spouse who randomly 'grabbed' my phone any opportunity, somehow knew what I did with my WhatsApp messages, and accused me of being suspicious about maybe searching on private mode. I mean, what if he's googling how to get rid of piles or something? I can't believe your mind would jump straight to an affair. He shouldn't have thrown his phone but I think he has reason to be pretty pissed off.

Divebar2021 · 26/05/2021 15:26

I often end up in private mode without consciously selecting it. If my DH were to start questioning me about what I was searching he would be told to foxtrot Oscar.... I don’t understand why you felt that was a reasonable line of enquiry. The WhatsApp thing you seem to have added on since this happened since it’s his normal MO and it’s clearly never bothered you up until now. I would have thought if he was having an affair he would have had the phone locked which apparently was not the case.

Original poster
MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 15:27

Woah! In the 16 years we’ve been together I’ve only grabbed his phone 5 times max. He grabs mine too. It’s rare. My battery was dead on my phone and I wanted to check the weather.

This is why I’m so shocked, we’re not like teenagers, we’re not in a unstable relationship, yet he reacted this way when I asked why all the secrecy!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/05/2021 15:29

He could be having an online affair, I'm afraid. He wouldn't have to leave the house, then.

Muchasgracias · 26/05/2021 15:29

Is a work phone? My DHs work pay for his phone and whilst he’s allowed to use WhatsApp, he deletes all his messages continuously. It’s never occurred to me that he’s hiding something.

I also regularly delete my own browsing history - for a number of reasons (to cover tracks if buying birthday present/so DC don’t see material they shouldn’t/to remove evidence of DM sidebar of shame browsing...). It doesn’t sound like cheating to me, but o my you are in your shoes, with a gut instinct. Is your gut telling you something??

Original poster
MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 15:30

I know about the watts app messages as over the years I’ve asked him to send me things. A photo I sent last week of the kids, or I ask can I see that photo of the niece his brother sent over, or what did Lisa say and he can never send me the photo or tell me as his deleted them and that’s how I know. Nothing suspicious.

OP posts:
LadyOfLittleLeisure · 26/05/2021 15:30

@MaybeCrazy2

Woah! In the 16 years we’ve been together I’ve only grabbed his phone 5 times max. He grabs mine too. It’s rare. My battery was dead on my phone and I wanted to check the weather.

This is why I’m so shocked, we’re not like teenagers, we’re not in a unstable relationship, yet he reacted this way when I asked why all the secrecy!

Personally, I would say then, give him the benefit of the doubt.
Stichintime · 26/05/2021 15:31

Maybe he felt suffocated?

Fromneverland · 26/05/2021 15:35

Could be chatting to someone online if he is cheating or dating sites

anxietyanonymous · 26/05/2021 15:36

On my i phone the private mode button is right next to the button to load a new web page. It would be really easy to select it by accident.

If that is the only thing that has changed (because deleting wattsapp is something he has always done) i wouldnt worry too much.

As you say cheating is unlikely as he hasnt left the house for 12 months.

Id back off and watch and wait.

Original poster
MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 15:39

Hmmm he does have a I phone and said he didn’t know how it got turned on, so maybe.

I think if his just chatting to someone, would a women really stay chatting to a guy who didn’t come and meet/see her in over 12 months, I personally wouldn’t have bothered!

It’s funny because now I don’t even care if his cheating, I just want to know if I’m right or not for my sanity!

OP posts:
Original poster
MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 15:41

Well I think that’s the problem, I don’t have any instincts! I’ve never built any up or had reason too. I haven’t had relationship experiences with regards to affairs and manipulation as I’ve been with my partner since I was 18 and always been happy.

OP posts:
steff13 · 26/05/2021 15:42

I am constantly opening an incognito browser on my phone by mistake. And I delete all my messages, unless there's something in one of them that I need to act on. No one ever uses my phone but me, so I have no reason to hide anything on it. So, I don't see any of that as suspicious.

Throwing the phone isn't great, but it sounds like you continued to press him after he told you he didn't know it was on private. I would probably have been annoyed by that as well. He told you he didn't know how it go on private, you already knew he deletes his messages, he wasn't really being that secretive. Why not just accept that he put his browser on private accidentally?

FoxgloveBee · 26/05/2021 15:44

I wouldn't look into anything in terms of Google private mode / incognito (I use this and I'm definitely not cheating). Also the WhatsApp deleting - I do that too.

Apart from the phone throwing, the red flags are coming from you, not him.

abacusnights · 26/05/2021 15:47

Personally I don't think you have evidence that he is having an affair or chatting to anyone and it doesn't sound like he is being secretive. But then I am crap with technology and inclined to have things on settings that I dont realise I have it on.

So if that is the case, you accusing him of being secretive when he isn't being would be really annoying and I can see why he reacted badly to it.

So, no I don't think you have enough to go on.

Original poster
MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 15:47

Maybe I’m thinking about this from a women’s point of view. If he questioned me I would have reassured him and said he could look at my phone and see for himself.

Maybe men just handle things differently.

I’m not trying to blow my trumpet or anything but I’m a great partner. I’m not into drama, don’t do that. He can do what he likes when, although doesn’t really go out anywhere anymore. I’m not suspicious or argumentative, I’m a great team player and will do things for him around the house that his trying to get to but busy ect.

This is all so out of the blue and we are not like this! He doesn’t get angry! And he certainly doesn’t throw things!!

OP posts: