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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this suspicious? Affair maybe?

91 replies

MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 14:50

I don’t know if I’m loosing my mind!

Been with partner for 16 years, we have two kids together.

He has always deleted his watts app messages (every night) for years. He is in a lot of groups with friends and it’s never bothered me (even though I’ve never seen the messages but always just looked like mates chatting rubbish, family group, work group). He says he deletes them for storage and to delete photos as the send each other a lot of stupid photos. This has been the case for years.

He has also been on furlough for over 12 months and at home everyday! I mean every day too, so he is not physically seeing anyone.

Yesterday was his first day back at work. This morning I grabbed his phone to check the weather and didn’t know where the app was so went onto Google and discovered he had it in private mode? I asked why and he said he had no idea. I asked what he was searching for and he said nothing and that he didn’t even know it was on.
(I don’t have a problem with porn but he has always maintained for the full 16 years he’s just not into that and doesn’t bother with it) I genuinely don’t think he was searching for porn.

So couple that with his first day back at work and he deletes watts app chats, that I’m know curios about, what do you think?

I asked him why his being so secretive and the response I was met with was not reassuring at all!! Threw phone, got angry, said I was the problem for making this a thing! (But his the secretive one so how is this my fault!?)

He has literally been home everyday for months though so what do people think or am I making something out of nothing?

And with regards to the relationship, yes, he has pulled away slowly over the last few years. ( I put that down to us just being together so long though)

AIBU to think something is going on here even if I don’t know what?

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/05/2021 16:23

I dont think it sounds like cheating

I do think it sounds like there is something not right in your relationship though. You being suspicious about something he has openly done routinely for years, him pulling away and getting a bit aggressive. It doesnt sound very healthy

Original poster
MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 16:23

Because of saying what was going on he threw his phone up the wall.

That’s so out of character for him. He doesn’t get mad, I only asked him twice as he didn’t really answer he first time and then threw his phone! We don’t do that, throw and smash things, it’s not in his nature. This all happened quickly too, within 5 minutes, it wasn’t a really long argument and then he exploded, it was quick, intact, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t even shouting or anything as the kids were still asleep.

OP posts:
LilMidge01 · 26/05/2021 16:25

I use incognito mode all the time.. mainly just to stop ads popping up for something I was browsing one time for, or because I'm buying a present or something and dont want my search coming up in front of the present recipient.
I dont delete WhatsApp but am always running out if storage space so am thinking I might give that a go too
I think you've massively overreacted in jumping to affair and confronting him about it?! I could see why he'd get annoyed.
Yes he overreacted too, but to be fair, you started it and the drama, so I can kinda see why he might have done....I would not be best pleased if my partner accused me of cheating because I used an incognito browser

Cam2020 · 26/05/2021 16:27

I didn’t accuse him of cheating, I accused him of being secretive. That’s not the same thing.

Are you sure you didn't? Look at your thread title again...

Nocutenamesleft · 26/05/2021 16:27

I’ve always got my phone on private. Every single day. I also delete emails. WhatsApp. Texts. Photos. Every. Single. Day

I’d be super annoyed too if my husband accused me of cheating!

steff13 · 26/05/2021 16:28

I only asked him twice as he didn’t really answer he first time and then threw his phone

This is not really what you said in your OP, in your OP you said you asked him, he said he didn't know, you asked again, he said he didn't know, then you accused him of being secretive. Your OP made you sound much more confrontational.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 26/05/2021 16:30

Bloody hell hope the poor bloke runs a mile!

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 26/05/2021 16:31

@MaybeCrazy2

I didn’t accuse him of cheating, I accused him of being secretive. That’s not the same thing.
Well your thread title is sort of accusing him of cheating? I don't want to be mean but although the phone throwing was extreme, it's his first day back, for whatever reason you go through his phone and then accuse him of something, he gives a plausible explanation and you insinuate he's lying by not accepting it and still saying he's being secretive.

Are there trust issues generally?

Nocutenamesleft · 26/05/2021 16:32

@Acupofcamus

I couldn't live with a spouse who randomly 'grabbed' my phone any opportunity

DH and I just use whichever phone is closest, we’ve always done this because neither of us have anything to hide. You’re only arsed about your partner using your phone if there’s something suspicious on there.

Not true. My work phone was never allowed to be viewed by anyone. Regardless of if it was close and I’d never dare thing to even use my husbands work phone. I don’t even know how to get either his work phone or his personal phone. He doesn’t know mine. I’ve never used his. Not sure he’s ever used mine.

The difference is I trust my husband 10000%.

OrangeSharked · 26/05/2021 16:33

He was probably watching porn tbh.

I use private browsing all the time, normally when I want to Google something weird that I've heard from MN Grin or if I want to Google a product or something that I don't want being advertised to me for the rest of my life.

Thats really the only suspicious thing, and its not suspicious. He's always deleted his whatsapp, you say he's got no time for an affair and there's not really anything to suggest it

Original poster
MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 16:33

No I said why is it on private mode, then asked what was he searching for. After getting no answer I then said why are you being so secretive, then the phone went up the wall.

I was genuinely asking too, we wasn’t arguing, we was in bed, I was getting up and he was just going to sleep. Maybe he was tired? But then why not say that?

OP posts:
BetterThanKleenex · 26/05/2021 16:35

Can you try to talk to him calmly soon? Get everything out in the open, ask if he's ok. If his character has changed this drastically it suggests he could be going through something. Obviously there is a chance there's something going on but I think your best bet is to rule out anything else first. Do you know if he's stressed about work? He could've been worried about going back in person and it's all come out- or has he made a mistake at work?

My only other theory is he's been talking to someone and met them on his first day back. It would explain why he's so quick to defend himself.

Nocutenamesleft · 26/05/2021 16:36

Well. 80% or so have said they’d feel the same

I’d leave it for now

NoCauseRebel · 26/05/2021 16:37

You’re only arsed about your partner using your phone if there’s something suspicious on there. bollocks. My eXH used to grab my phone so he could check all my messages and accuse me of having affairs. I wasn’t.

I started to be more secretive if you could call it that because he knew my passwords for social media/email and logged into them all from his own phone so he could spy on me even though there was nothing to see. So when I figured it out I changed all my passwords in one hit and bingo, everything I did was kept from him because I deserved my privacy.

Suspicion breeds secrecy.

I had nothing to hide from my eXH but his constant snooping and accusations led to me hiding everything from him. Purely because I felt that I was trapped.

Jeds55 · 26/05/2021 16:40

If this is all there is to it I don't think it's suspicious for an affair at all. He's probably just pissed off/knackered/stressed at being back at work. You've said yourself that he doesn't go anywhere

steff13 · 26/05/2021 16:42

You clearly don't think you're being unreasonable, despite most posters thinking you are. So you've already decided he's doing something wrong and you don't trust him. "Love cannot live where there is no trust."

topwings · 26/05/2021 16:47

I don't see where's he been secretive - he has answered your questions; you just weren't happy with the answers so continued to question him. I'd get annoyed too.

bookworm20 · 26/05/2021 16:49

If his reaction was out of character, I think that is probably why you are thinking there must be something up.
However, your senses were triggered for this to have hit with you and to have asked him.
You've basically joined the dots together of 2 things which are screaming theres something odd here, and your gut is asking why.
Totally reasonable.
I have long ago learnt to trust my gut now.
Not sure what you can do, as asking him again will only make him angry.
Making be on alert and see if any other little dots get connected or anything else you start to notice which just doesnt make sense.

Original poster
MaybeCrazy2 · 26/05/2021 16:59

Your right steff, I don’t trust him. I don’t know why, but I just don’t.

We’ve been together 16 years and I’ve trusted him without absolute question, but now I just don’t. It’s switched off??

This is so out the blue how all this has happened this morning, I can’t get my head around this. It’s like it’s happening to someone else.

Something is going on, but I just don’t know what. I don’t think his cheating but something is a miss here.

OP posts:
Blankspace101 · 26/05/2021 17:13

It sounds like you don’t trust your husband at all OP. Have you discussed this with him? He’s clearly not having an affair if he let’s you use his phone.

Nocutenamesleft · 26/05/2021 17:15

Maybe he’s buying you A gift? And he’d been looking at it?

Someone up above said when they gift buy it’s on private and maybe he’s pissed off because he’s been trying to sort it for months. You said he was secretive and maybe he thought. Fuck it! Can’t do anything right.

ravenmum · 26/05/2021 17:18

So he's deleted Whatsapp messages the same as he has done for years.
And he has had Google on private mode, which it is easy to do by mistake.
Then you pissed him off when he was tired and he get annoyed, like people do when they are tired.

Very, very thin basis for suspicion. But let's imagine, as you believe, that he's up to something. What might it be? If you're having an affair, there's no need to go on private mode in Google - unless you feel an absolute urge to Google their name or something. Private Googling would be for something like porn, escorts etc. Porn does not require you to Whatsapp anyone. That just leaves escorts. He's not been out of the house for a year, so that also seems pretty unlikely.

his the secretive one so how is this my fault
But he's not being secretive; he answered your questions?

Bluntness100 · 26/05/2021 17:20

Op could it be he is stressed with his first day back. Having w tough time and just snapped?

Weirdfan · 26/05/2021 17:37

I most definitely am the suspicious sort OP and tbh I think you've overreacted if it really was just the fact that he had private browsing open. He could have been looking up embarrassing medical stuff (which might also to some degree explain his defensive reaction, could he have been embarrassed?) or it could have been accidentally on private (I have an iPhone and do this a lot) or any number of other random but completely innocent reasons. If you had no gut feeling or other reasons to be suspicious I don't really understand why you would jump straight to cheating?

Laiste · 26/05/2021 17:41

This morning I grabbed his phone ... went onto Google and discovered he had it in private mode? I asked why and he said he had no idea.

I asked what he was searching for and he said nothing and that he didn’t even know it was on.

I asked him why his being so secretive

[he] Threw phone, got angry, said I was the problem for making this a thing!

First day back at work, before even getting out of bed, after a year stuck in the house - i'd have thrown the bloody phone after that grilling OP!