Is this suspicious? Affair maybe?

[MaybeCrazy2]

I don’t know if I’m loosing my mind!

Been with partner for 16 years, we have two kids together.

He has always deleted his watts app messages (every night) for years. He is in a lot of groups with friends and it’s never bothered me (even though I’ve never seen the messages but always just looked like mates chatting rubbish, family group, work group). He says he deletes them for storage and to delete photos as the send each other a lot of stupid photos. This has been the case for years.

He has also been on furlough for over 12 months and at home everyday! I mean every day too, so he is not physically seeing anyone.

Yesterday was his first day back at work. This morning I grabbed his phone to check the weather and didn’t know where the app was so went onto Google and discovered he had it in private mode? I asked why and he said he had no idea. I asked what he was searching for and he said nothing and that he didn’t even know it was on.
(I don’t have a problem with porn but he has always maintained for the full 16 years he’s just not into that and doesn’t bother with it) I genuinely don’t think he was searching for porn.

So couple that with his first day back at work and he deletes watts app chats, that I’m know curios about, what do you think?

I asked him why his being so secretive and the response I was met with was not reassuring at all!! Threw phone, got angry, said I was the problem for making this a thing! (But his the secretive one so how is this my fault!?)

He has literally been home everyday for months though so what do people think or am I making something out of nothing?

And with regards to the relationship, yes, he has pulled away slowly over the last few years. ( I put that down to us just being together so long though)

AIBU to think something is going on here even if I don’t know what?

I am a woman and I would be very frustrated if I told you that I didn't know how my browser got on incognito mode and you continued to ask me why I was being secretive (effectively accusing me of lying). If you don't know, you don't know.

Now I’m talking about this it is the phone throwing. It was hard too, right against the wall, like he was trying to smash the screen.

But why? He hasn’t been anywhere! He is always on his phone, constantly, but never in a suspicious type of way ever.

That’s it, I’ve lost my mind haven’t I!!!!

Well I am a guy and I can tell you this: He is using reversal technique on you. That is why he is getting angry. He has obviously something to hide and by getting angry and blaming you he is basically bullying you into feeling guilty for asking. I wouldn't be surprised if he got you to say sorry?
I'm afraid that second guessing will only lead to more enxiety. Trust is a funny thing. He shouldn't have to prove he is worthy of your trust. You either choose to trust him or you don't. I advice you to not trust him as that is what his behaviour is pointing to. In which case you should outright tell him: I don't trust you anymore and your behaviour leads me to believe you are hiding something from me or worse you are having an affair. You have your right to privacy but unless your behaviour towards me improves and you become less distant, more loving and less secretive I don't think I can continue this relationship anymore. Then see what he says.

@steff13

I am a woman and I would be very frustrated if I told you that I didn't know how my browser got on incognito mode and you continued to ask me why I was being secretive (effectively accusing me of lying). If you don't know, you don't know.

Yeah I agree with this.

He’s deleted the messages for years so unless you think he’s been having an affair for years, I wouldn’t consider this suspicious because it isn’t new behaviour. The private mode also isn’t massively suspicious. Lots of people choose this because, yes, they watch porn and don’t want their partner to find out or maybe they don’t want to be tracked via cookies and so forth. I wouldn’t find either of those things concerning, he also deleted all of his WhatsApp messages so it isn’t like he’s just deleting certain ones. Not really worrying.

Throwing his phone in anger though, that’s the concerning part. If he were innocent this is not how he’d react at all, he’d calmly answer your questions and that would be the end of it. I’d be most concerned by the anger of all things, that behaviour is guilty.

I think he is. I mean I did ask him twice, but in 5 minutes, I wasn’t going on about it for ages and then he got angry, he got angry quick! And he never gets mad. He doesn’t throw things either and his phone went straight up the wall!

I don’t feel guilty, but I do feel like I’m loosing my mind! Is one thing going on, is it not etc!.

I definitely don’t trust him now, this is all so out of the blue!

Well, then, it's time to LTB.

He's always deleted his messages.
This isn't new - he has to go back to work, that doesn't mean he's having an affair.
My search is incognito as the search history does my head In when I accidentally click the wrong thing. I think the way you've accused him would have got the exact same reaction from
Me.

Is everything done on his phone? It's just that if you are in private browsing on a laptop, then it's retrievable as long as you haven't restarted your laptop.

I couldn't live with a spouse who randomly 'grabbed' my phone any opportunity

DH and I just use whichever phone is closest, we’ve always done this because neither of us have anything to hide. You’re only arsed about your partner using your phone if there’s something suspicious on there.

You’re only arsed about your partner using your phone if there’s something suspicious on there.

That's not an absolute by any means.

I don't really think the phone thing is suspicious and I agree with PPs that I'd be irritated in his place.

But throwing the phone is disturbing behaviour, especially if it's out of character. It doesn't mean he's having an affair but clearly something is up. Could he be worried about something?

Actually throwing phone at wall like that is quite extreme. Are you generally not getting on? An alternative explanation is he just doesn't like you much anymore and this pissed him off. Or he did have something to hide and is trying to intimidate you into not asking again.

I can imagine though that having been furloughed for over 12 months and then having your first day back at work is a bit of an emotional upheaval, even if you don't let on. My reaction to this type of accusatory conversation on my first day back at work after 12 months would honestly not have been great either.

I find it really easy to accidentally go into private (incognito mode) on my phone.

(Although saying that I wouldn't throw my phone so maybe I'm off base here)

If he were innocent this is not how he’d react at all, he’d calmly answer your questions and that would be the end of it. I’d be most concerned by the anger of all things, that behaviour is guilty. I don't agree, I would be a bit upset (I wouldn't throw my phone though) if my partner suggested I was having an affair and then lying to them.

You’re only arsed about your partner using your phone if there’s something suspicious on there. That's just not true either. People google all sorts of private things, they go on forums to ask about personal issues, they speak to family members about things that are none of their partner's business. You can be open with your partner and not comfortable with them having 100% access to all aspects of your life.

The phone throwing is a bit of a red flag, do you have shared or seperate finances OP? I'd wonder if he was visiting something like only fans.

I didn’t mention he works nights incase people did automatically think affair and I wanted to get platonic views.

I don’t think his cheating, but he is hiding something, it’s got to be the only explanation.

But what? And why not tell me of all people! I’d stand by his side even if he was in the wrong and he knows that so it has to be something that affects me negatively for him not to say.

Can’t be debt, I don’t think we are in any. Wouldn’t matter if he lost his job as I have savings....what could it be!!!

He is sending me mad!!

Wow, people really will jump to accusing a man of cheating for absolutely nothing.

You accused him of being secretive based on nothing, you didn't accept his response (essentially calling him a liar) and now you say you don't trust him at all. I'm not surprised he's angry.

The double standard on here is unreal at times.

I didn’t accuse him of cheating, I accused him of being secretive. That’s not the same thing.

Why does him hiding something have to be the only explanation. Maybe he's just pissed off the person he trusts doesn't trust him

No but lots of other posters have accused him of cheating. That's what I was referring to

Getting angry and throwing the phone would be a red flag for me.

Not if you've said you don't know multiple times and the person is still hounding you. People do get frustrated without neccessary being guilty.

I agree with poster up thread. You reiterate how he's barely left the house for a year, been working from home, then on his first morning back, you get on his case. He was probably nervous. Shit, I feel anxious going back to work after a fortnight off and never sleep well cause I'm scared I won't hear my alarm. I know I'm not the only one, colleagues have said similar, as silly as it is. Now imagine a whole year and then to top it off, a row on your way out. You pushed his buttons being paranoid and he lashed out. Not ideal behaviour, but I think he deserves a pass and I certainly wouldn't count it as proof of an affair!