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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My mum wants to be included but not speak to my DFather or his family

67 replies

AmITheURDaughter · 26/05/2021 14:48

My mum left my dad when I was a teenager (now in my 30s so approximately 15 years ago). I still don’t know why or care why they split.

I love both my parents and try and see both regularly. I am a single parent but DD goes to ExH EOW.

My mum refuses to speak to my dad, and my dad has no idea why. When they split up she refused to discuss any kind of settlement and it ended in court. She tried to stop me and my sibling seeing my dad too by banning us from seeing him (so we just got sneaky about it and were visiting friends when we went to see him).

Last week I met my dad in a beef garden had a meal and a drink. Mum found out and says she wanted to come. I said dad was there and she wanted to go and completely ignore him, she wanted to spend time with me apparently even though I’d seen her the day before and then a few days after. So she cried and told me I was excluding her from my life.

This happens regularly. My aunt on my dad’s side threw a garden birthday party for DD last summer, invited all my dad’s family including my dad and several children in the family similar aged to DD but not my mum because mum refuses to acknowledge any of them, plus my mum lives an hour from my dad and his family (I’m half an hour from both, about half way between the two). The party was the weekend before DDs birthday, and mum saw DD on her actual birthday and the day after it which my dad didn’t get to do. Mum cried when she found out and told my DD she was saying goodbye and hoped she’d see her again before she was a teenager because “mummy made me cross not letting me go to your party and obviously doesn’t want me to see you”.

For context I usually see dad once a week or once a fortnight, I tend to see mum 2-3 times a week as she works in my town and also helps me with childcare, so it’s not a case of me favouring dad over mum.

My DD will be 7 at the end of July.

So AIBU to laugh in her face next time she suggests coming to events with my dad especially if she wants to ignore everyone?

OP posts:

Holly60 · 26/05/2021 14:51

YANBU! Your mum is being very unfair. Especially to mention it to your DD. She shouldn’t make a 7 year old feel like she has been put in the middle of her grandparents.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2021 14:52

I’d be seeing a lot less of your mum. What a manipulative unpleasant cow.

How did you deal with her blatant emotional abuse of your young child?

Toilenstripes · 26/05/2021 14:52

Has she always played games with you, and the family?

ShoutingBirb · 26/05/2021 14:53

Your DM is being a manipulative dickhead.

She's throwing a strop to try and make you choose between them.

Tell her to pack it in, you will continue to see them separately, but she has no right to demand to be invited to events on his side.

Very childish behaviour.

JackANackAnoreeee · 26/05/2021 14:53

What the hell? She split up from your dad 15 years ago and refuses to acknowledge him or his family? Of course she can't be included in his family events. I would shut her down the second she starts even discussing it as she sounds like she's deliberately manipulating you. You want to see your dad and his family and she won't be invited to these events end of story.

Wowjustwow99 · 26/05/2021 14:54

I would laugh in her face and also tell her to stop making comments to your DD it's up to your DD to make up her own mind about people. Not for your mother to put words/ideas in her head!

KihoBebiluPute · 26/05/2021 14:54

She's obviously a bit nuts and is trying to be emotionally manipulative but fortunately you seem to have your head screwed on correctly and are not taking any of that shit (well done).

YANBU to call her out on her BS. Develop a set of lines you can trot out whenever she is being ridiculous e.g. "stop being such a drama queen mum. we see you loads, all the time, but we obviously can't invite you to events where you can't be civil to everyone there".

Acupofcamus · 26/05/2021 14:58

DH has the same issue with my PIL’s. They split when he was in his late teens and it was very acrimonious because she’d cheated on him for years including with his best friend. They had a bitter and nasty divorce and still wouldn’t dream of speaking now, over 10 years later. They both attended our wedding but sat at opposite sides of the room and MIL made it very clear how uncomfortable she was with the whole situation (FIL didn’t really seem to care), she also made excuses to leave early and made a big song and dance about that. MIL’s Uncle died a couple of years ago and his children contacted FIL directly to ask him to attend the funeral so he did because they wanted him there. MIL went kind of nuclear and refused to go the funeral as a result... So ridiculous, especially given the fact she cheated on him! DH gets stuck in the middle a lot still, it’s so petty and pathetic.

Your Mum sounds like MIL. Both grown women, both need to get a grip. Years since they split, she needs to move on with her life now and stop making you feel awkward.

saraclara · 26/05/2021 15:01

Mum cried when she found out and told my DD she was saying goodbye and hoped she’d see her again before she was a teenager because “mummy made me cross not letting me go to your party and obviously doesn’t want me to see you”.

That is horrific. I generally look for peacemaking and calm resolutions to problems, but in that situation I would absolutely be looking for different childcare.

Your poor daughter. I'm absolutely appalled.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 26/05/2021 15:03

She's using your daughter and you as a pawn in her issues with your dad, and being totally ridiculous.

15 years after her marriage ended she's unreasonable to expect an invite to events arranged by his side of the family even if things were totally amicable between your parents. Does she invite them whenever she organisers anything? No I didn't think so....

She needs to be told to stop it, and if she won't, and if she continues to emotionally blackmail your daughter, I'd be considering the amount of contact you have with her

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/05/2021 15:03

Just to play devils advocate here... do you know why she left? Women who have been subject to abuse are often, "crazy/manipulative/irrational" and all the descriptions your mother is being called here. To leave, not settle, not talk for 15 years does rather imply a serious issue.

Flowerlane · 26/05/2021 15:03

Your mum is behaving terribly. I would be telling her she either cuts her behaviour out or you will be cutting contact. Save your child from her crazy behaviour.

It’s perfectly fine for you to do things separately with your dad and his family. She has no need to be invited to them especially if she is determined not to talk to anyone. She sounds very controlling and jealous.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/05/2021 15:04

She sounds bloody awful. But I’m curious why she left him and what he did, to make her recoil so powerfully.

Maybe nothing but…

Changechangychange · 26/05/2021 15:05

Your DM is a manipulative bitch, and if I were you I’d be cutting contact for a couple of months until she learns to behave herself around DD.

saraclara · 26/05/2021 15:07

@AtrociousCircumstance

She sounds bloody awful. But I’m curious why she left him and what he did, to make her recoil so powerfully.

Maybe nothing but…

So why would she want to be invited to events and lunches where he and his family are present?

She sounds irrational full stop. And probably was back then too.

katy1213 · 26/05/2021 15:08

Terrible behaviour on your mother's part and I wouldn't allow her to see your daughter in future.

Wroxie · 26/05/2021 15:11

Your mum is definitely being unreasonable and not behaving in a way that's healthy or conducive to a relationship with you, or indeed in a way that's for her own mental health - holding on to these things isn't good for her.

I know you said that you don't care why she left your dad, and fair enough to that, but unlike other people who are calling her a manipulative bitch, I think that there's a good chance that that your father did or said that was probably pretty awful. Maybe he had an affair with her best friend, maybe he was abusive, it could be any number of things. Where there's smoke there's fire, and all that. I mean of course there's a chance she just woke up one day and decided to obsessively hate him for the rest of her life for absolutely no reason, but I think we all know that's pretty unlikely.

Gazelda · 26/05/2021 15:12

If this were your DP or DH behaving like this, it would be called controlling.

Bibidy · 26/05/2021 15:14

I definitely wouldn't invite her to anything with your dad and family. There is no need and she clearly just wants to go to make everyone else uncomfortable and try and drive a wedge between you and your dad.

It's bad enough that she's tried for so long to put you in this position, let alone now starting it on your daughter. I would have firm words with her about not dragging your daughter into her issues with her ex-husband. If she never sees your dad, there is no need for her to ever mention him or involve herself in any plans you have with him.

GertietheGherkin · 26/05/2021 15:17

Oh OP you need to nip this in the bud very soon. Your Mum needs telling some home truths. You are an adult, and who you choose to see or want in your life is your decision. Your Mum is being ridiculous!
With regards to her comments directed at your DD that needs setting straight! That is absolutely appalling what she said. Your DD shouldn't be getting involved in this, you really need to make that crystal clear to your Mum, especially if she provides childcare, God knows what other crap she'll be filling her head with.
You and your DD have a good relationship with your Dads' family, keep it that way. Your Mother needs to grow up.

BigHeadBertha · 26/05/2021 15:22

First, you may have meant it in jest but just in case, I would definitely not "laugh in her face" because she clearly is in a lot of pain. However, I would also not allow her to control you. You have every right to see your father and your mother's problems with him are not your problems with him. After all, she is the one who married him and who chose him as your father in the first place.

Also, I'm not sure if it even matters but I really doubt your father "has no idea" why your mother won't speak to him. People don't just get divorced for no reason at all. Just a wild guess here but the most likely reason I can think of is that he cheated on her and she is so angry about it that she's decided to cut him out of her life forever for it , which is her right, and out of her children's lives too, which is not her right.

I'd also have a word with her about dragging your child into it. Or, if she's as unreasonable about the topic as she sounds, just ignore her and tell your child not to pay any attention to it when Grandma says silly things like that. (You said your mother helps you with child care and if she's a good grandmother otherwise, maybe tread lightly on your mother's Big Topic whenever possible, to prevent a falling out with her).

From what you've said, it sounds like your mother is okay aside from her Big Topic. If so, perhaps the thing to do is just tell her you love both of your parents and that you will not be discussing anything at all about your father with her anymore, though you do recommend she seek counseling to get over it after fifteen years because her behavior is extreme and hurts her children and grandchild, who didn't have anything to do with her marital problems but who do have the right to see their father/grandfather.

Then follow through. Immediately shut down any discussion on the topic, get off the phone, leave her house, or just refuse to respond at all. And do not tell her when or if you will be meeting with your father or his side of the family.

And be prepared for tears, tantrums and perhaps the silent treatment that seems to be her go-to punishment. I've always heard that when making a change that has to do with someone else's behavior, you should expect it to get worse before it gets better. The other person may pull out all the stops to keep things going their way before they finally give up on it. She sounds a bit exhausting anyway. Please let us know how it goes.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 26/05/2021 15:23

She soundsike an emotionally manipulative dickhead. You need to start by pulling her up on the fact she tried to stop contact when you were a child and didn't win and she won't win now. So she can either stop playing games or find someone else to latch on to.

Thank God for your dad's sake you were old enough to choose and have contact with him. Otherwise you may well have been alienated completely.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/05/2021 15:27

She behaves like a toddler.

Toolateplanting · 26/05/2021 15:27

Why do people act like this!!! No advice but reminds me of mine (though it has been massively toned down over the years) all sympathies OP.

saraclara · 26/05/2021 15:29

Where there's smoke there's fire, and all that.

That is such a dangerous phrase, and leads to all kinds of malicious gossip in my experience.

I don't love the way this thread is turning into 'it has to be the man's fault somehow'.

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