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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum wants to be included but not speak to my DFather or his family

67 replies

AmITheURDaughter · 26/05/2021 14:48

My mum left my dad when I was a teenager (now in my 30s so approximately 15 years ago). I still don’t know why or care why they split.

I love both my parents and try and see both regularly. I am a single parent but DD goes to ExH EOW.

My mum refuses to speak to my dad, and my dad has no idea why. When they split up she refused to discuss any kind of settlement and it ended in court. She tried to stop me and my sibling seeing my dad too by banning us from seeing him (so we just got sneaky about it and were visiting friends when we went to see him).

Last week I met my dad in a beef garden had a meal and a drink. Mum found out and says she wanted to come. I said dad was there and she wanted to go and completely ignore him, she wanted to spend time with me apparently even though I’d seen her the day before and then a few days after. So she cried and told me I was excluding her from my life.

This happens regularly. My aunt on my dad’s side threw a garden birthday party for DD last summer, invited all my dad’s family including my dad and several children in the family similar aged to DD but not my mum because mum refuses to acknowledge any of them, plus my mum lives an hour from my dad and his family (I’m half an hour from both, about half way between the two). The party was the weekend before DDs birthday, and mum saw DD on her actual birthday and the day after it which my dad didn’t get to do. Mum cried when she found out and told my DD she was saying goodbye and hoped she’d see her again before she was a teenager because “mummy made me cross not letting me go to your party and obviously doesn’t want me to see you”.

For context I usually see dad once a week or once a fortnight, I tend to see mum 2-3 times a week as she works in my town and also helps me with childcare, so it’s not a case of me favouring dad over mum.

My DD will be 7 at the end of July.

So AIBU to laugh in her face next time she suggests coming to events with my dad especially if she wants to ignore everyone?

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 26/05/2021 15:33

A friend's parents divorced when she was a toddler because he had an affair. Her mum was, understandably, furious and hurt and upset.

However, the OW and her dad then maintained a long-term relationship and have been together ever since.

In her 30s, my friend was getting married. Her mum said she would not attend the wedding if the OW was there. My friend was sympathetic, but told her mum to get stuffed - it was 25 plus years previously and it was time to move on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/05/2021 15:35

@saraclara

Where there's smoke there's fire, and all that.

That is such a dangerous phrase, and leads to all kinds of malicious gossip in my experience.

I don't love the way this thread is turning into 'it has to be the man's fault somehow'.

The fact is that it could be. Equally, it could not be.

IME a lot of irrational, unpleasant female behaviour does stem from male abuse and violence. Also, there's are female arseholes. OP doesn't know nor does she care to find out.

You see on here all the time, women who are being abused and don't want their children to know. Where the man behaves nicely to the children and the woman can't move past it. It's very common.

Giantrooster · 26/05/2021 15:38

I would once and for all try to get to the bottom of why they spilt, perhaps it would make her (bad) behavior more understandable.

But I would tell her that she doesn't get invites as long as she can't be civil and grown up enough to interact. Ask her to stop her passive aggressive martyrdom, if you are to keep up a loving relationship especially since she has taken up pa behavior towards your dd.

Of course all this nicely wrapped as concern, but still as a firm message.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/05/2021 15:38

If there had been some absolutely awful reason why they split I really think, given what you've said about her here, that she would have told you and used the reason to manipulate you into not seeing your dad.

I would get yourself into a position that you aren't relying on her for childcare anymore, just in case she tries to use that as a tactic next.

Grizalda · 26/05/2021 15:46

@MrsTerryPratchett

Just to play devils advocate here... do you know why she left? Women who have been subject to abuse are often, "crazy/manipulative/irrational" and all the descriptions your mother is being called here. To leave, not settle, not talk for 15 years does rather imply a serious issue.

While I do generally agree that there are two sides to every story, the mum has definitely shown herself to be very manipulative and unreasonable.
I'd be more willing to accept your potential version of events if the mum wasn't emotionally abusing a seven year old.

OP, that comment to your daughter was horrific and I'd be carefully considering cutting contact between the two of them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/05/2021 15:48

I'd be more willing to accept your potential version of events if the mum wasn't emotionally abusing a seven year old.

I agree that regardless where it comes from, the child needs to be protected from this.

BirthdayCakeBelly · 26/05/2021 15:51

YANBU and I’d be worried about your Mum tbh as generally speaking that’s not usual behaviour.

Original poster
AmITheURDaughter · 26/05/2021 15:52

I honestly don't care why they split up and will not be finding out. Even if it is dads fault somehow, that's not my business, similarly of it's my mums fault not my business. For context my mum has had 2 long term relationships since they split but my dad hasn't had any unless he's chosen not to tell me and my sibling.

In response to what I did about what she said to DD, I told DD grandma was being silly and we'd see her after school on Wednesday (or whatever day it was she was due to do childcare) and then said to my mum on the phone once DD was in bed that DD could see and spend time with both her mums families without it being an issue.

Mums a good grandparent but can also be a bit funny if DD mentions Ex-PILs who she sees far less than either of my DPs, will say things like "But I did that with you when you were 3 don''t you remember". But usually things go by without a hitch and mum and DD have a great relationship.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 26/05/2021 15:59

I honestly don't care why they split up and will not be finding out. Even if it is dads fault somehow, that's not my business, similarly of it's my mums fault not my business. For context my mum has had 2 long term relationships since they split but my dad hasn't had any unless he's chosen not to tell me and my sibling.

I agree with you OP, it shouldn't impact on you or your daughter, particularly not this long afterwards. There is no reason for her to be acting this way now, whatever happened in the past.

If your mother can't move on for whatever reason then she should seek some help, not take it out on you and try to manipulate you into not having a relationship with your own father, and your daughter her grandfather.

knittingaddict · 26/05/2021 16:04

@Wroxie

Your mum is definitely being unreasonable and not behaving in a way that's healthy or conducive to a relationship with you, or indeed in a way that's for her own mental health - holding on to these things isn't good for her.

I know you said that you don't care why she left your dad, and fair enough to that, but unlike other people who are calling her a manipulative bitch, I think that there's a good chance that that your father did or said that was probably pretty awful. Maybe he had an affair with her best friend, maybe he was abusive, it could be any number of things. Where there's smoke there's fire, and all that. I mean of course there's a chance she just woke up one day and decided to obsessively hate him for the rest of her life for absolutely no reason, but I think we all know that's pretty unlikely.

If that is the case why does the mil want to spend time with her ex, even if it is to ignore him?

My daughter's ex was abusive and she would rather remove her eyes with a blunt spoon than spend 5 seconds in his company.

19lottie82 · 26/05/2021 16:05

Your Mum is definitely BU. But…….

It sounds like there is a reason why she feels so wronged by your father. Unless she’s 100% bat shit the history of her behaviour doesn’t make sense unless there’s something you don’t know about.

My Mum passed away a few years ago. Her and my Dad split when I was younger and she really didn’t like him at all after that (I think he cheated but it’s never been confirmed). I would never force them to spent time with me, together (bar my wedding day).

It isn’t on for your Mum to make comments like she has, to your DD, but I think you’re being unrealistic in expecting her to join you and your DF for lunch.

Original poster
AmITheURDaughter · 26/05/2021 16:06

@19lottie82

Your Mum is definitely BU. But…….

It sounds like there is a reason why she feels so wronged by your father. Unless she’s 100% bat shit the history of her behaviour doesn’t make sense unless there’s something you don’t know about.

My Mum passed away a few years ago. Her and my Dad split when I was younger and she really didn’t like him at all after that (I think he cheated but it’s never been confirmed). I would never force them to spent time with me, together (bar my wedding day).

It isn’t on for your Mum to make comments like she has, to your DD, but I think you’re being unrealistic in expecting her to join you and your DF for lunch.

I don't want her to join me and my dad, she wanted to join us and got upset when I didn't invite her.
OP posts:
saraclara · 26/05/2021 16:08

@19lottie82

Your Mum is definitely BU. But…….

It sounds like there is a reason why she feels so wronged by your father. Unless she’s 100% bat shit the history of her behaviour doesn’t make sense unless there’s something you don’t know about.

My Mum passed away a few years ago. Her and my Dad split when I was younger and she really didn’t like him at all after that (I think he cheated but it’s never been confirmed). I would never force them to spent time with me, together (bar my wedding day).

It isn’t on for your Mum to make comments like she has, to your DD, but I think you’re being unrealistic in expecting her to join you and your DF for lunch.

You have totally misread the OP. Try reading it again.
MaliceOrgan · 26/05/2021 16:12

Your mum sounds manipulative.

Also, am intrigued by a beef garden (assume typo rather than creepy euphemism)

Original poster
AmITheURDaughter · 26/05/2021 16:14

@MaliceOrgan

Your mum sounds manipulative.

Also, am intrigued by a beef garden (assume typo rather than creepy euphemism)

Haha that made me laugh, yes was a type meant beer garden Grin
OP posts:
ShoutingBirb · 26/05/2021 16:14

Why would she want to join you if she won't speak to him?

LittleOwl153 · 26/05/2021 16:22

I'd be very wary of your mum doing childcare alone with dd if that is kind of crap she's spouting - very damaging.

MaliceOrgan · 26/05/2021 16:23

Disappointing!Grin

DeflatedGinDrinker · 26/05/2021 16:31

Omg op I'm sorry to be disrespectful to your mum but she is crazy. Displays very controlling/ manipulative/ abusive behaviour. I don't think she should see your child I think she needs to seek help.

user1471457751 · 26/05/2021 16:32

Some posters really do like to excuse a woman's bad behaviour and blame a man for it. He was so abusive she's cries because she's not invited to events hosted by his side of the family...

DeflatedGinDrinker · 26/05/2021 16:35

The fact she wants to go to these events to ignore him is just about control, she wants him to know she will always be there and she can make him feel shit. Your poor dad.

PlumKetchup · 26/05/2021 16:35

@LittleOwl153

I'd be very wary of your mum doing childcare alone with dd if that is kind of crap she's spouting - very damaging.
I agree with this. I would be very concerned about the things she may be saying to your daughter when you aren't around. I think I'd be making alternative childcare arrangements.
DeflatedGinDrinker · 26/05/2021 16:37

You belong to her and he can't see you alone or she will cry and guilt trip you.

Vivi0 · 26/05/2021 16:37

@saraclara

Where there's smoke there's fire, and all that.

That is such a dangerous phrase, and leads to all kinds of malicious gossip in my experience.

I don't love the way this thread is turning into 'it has to be the man's fault somehow'.

Especially when the OP’s mum is being emotionally abusive towards the OP and her DD.

Substitute “mum” for “DH”.

The behaviour itself is either unacceptable, or it’s not. It doesn’t depend on the person who is displaying the behaviour.

Original poster
AmITheURDaughter · 26/05/2021 16:38

I agree with this. I would be very concerned about the things she may be saying to your daughter when you aren't around. I think I'd be making alternative childcare arrangements.

As far as I can tell she's not saying anything to DD when she has her over and I do think I'd know by now DD can't keep a secret at all - she's told ExH what she;s got him for Father's Day already, and had blurted out stuff she's overheard his colleagues say when he pops into work with her on his weekends.

OP posts:
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