To never want to drive

[Imcrc]

I'm 26 with 2 kids and cant drive.
I have taken a test 4 times and failed. The last time I had a massive panic attack and had to stop. I was diagnosed with anxiety after having my first daughter but I have have been an anxious person my whole life.

Each reason why I failed is such a long story. Basically the first 3 I only had about 3-4 minors and 1 major. Every time it's just more and more money. I stopped after I had my first daughter, then tried again just before lockdown when I failed again. Then had my daughter in October 2020 and haven't even thought about it since.

It definitely impacts my life I would love more freedom. The thought of it fills me with literal dread to the point of feeling sick. We now have some money I could use to go towards it. I just cringe at wasting it and failing again. Everyone around me says theres no pressure but they are the ones that keep mentioning it.

I'm getting worked up writing this. I know I'm being stupid! I cant shake this feeling of dread. I hate the thought of driving on my own. I'm dyslexic and dyspraxic and I feel like I will mess up and get in a accident. My mind wonders constantly. I dont think I can concentrate well.

I know it's a life skill I need. But I've left it too long and now I have such an issue around it. I dont WANT to do it but I know I NEED too.

What's outdated about enjoying driving?

My mum couldn't/didn't drive. My DF died when I was a child. Not being able to drive massively impacted her life and ours as children.

Everyone learns to drive at 15, everyone, across the whole of the US?

What happens to those who are not able/permitted to drive a car? Are they not allowed a job either?

I think there are more places in the US, like in the UK, where it's very difficult to get anywhere without a car, and I think a lot more than were designed solely with car transport in mind, but there are still non-urban areas where it's not as much of a concern.

I worked on and off from 14-17 in the US without driving. It never came up, no one cared if the bakery girl drove in an area where everyone has to walk to school anyway because it's not big enough to have school buses (and definitely no parking spaces for teenagers, it barely had enough for staff). One of the big selling points of the area which has eye-watering property tax is ease of walking so employers had to deal with the idea that some people moved there so they or their teens didn't need to drive. The shops in the area knew this and staffed accordingly

I did the driver's ed and lessons well above requirement (at least for teenagers, you had to take classes and have a certain number of hours signed off by a driving adult to be allowed to test) because there is a large culture of driving, but I never went for testing because I hated it, could not get past feeling like one mistake could kill someone and what I was later told was likely emotional flashbacks of feeling like when I was nearly killed in a car at 13.

I'm now nearly 40, still don't drive, though I've made jokes that if I can get cleared medically of learning to drive a little moped (thinking it might be different enough to maybe not set me off). Or maybe getting one of those trikes with a big basket.

I have dyspraxia and took a lot of lessons to learn. I passed on my 4th go after the driving tester chatted to me through the test which made me relaxed enough to drive well. I liked it for a few years and the independence and choices it gave me.

Since having children I don't really like driving. The children are distracting and even if I'm driving on my own I'm way more aware that if I or someone else makes a mistake someone could get really hurt. I find it stressful and don't like the pressure of having to completely concentrate for eg 45 mins at a time. I take it seriously and feel tired afterwards from paying close attention to everything.

I prefer to walk or catch a train to the extent that this would massively influence which jobs I went for now and where I would choose to live. It's not for everyone, not driving is a valid choice if you don't think it is right for you.

I'm probably dyspraxic and I would never drive. If I was younger and wanted to drive I'd go for an automatic though, I think it's probably worth giving it a try before you completely decide it's not for you.

I passed in a manual first time, but developed a phobia shortly after passing, which took me a couple of years and CBT to overcome. I also drive an auto now, which really helps. If I didn't have two young kids and time to practice I would try driving a manual again, but I do quite like my little auto. This might work for you?

I still only drive very locally - no more than an eight mile round trip, however I am getting there slowly and the freedom to just take my kids to a local park and go shopping without having to walk/wait for buses is great. I just wish I wasn't so scared, although I was confronted by an old man driving the wrong way towards me going down a one way street today and I dealt with it fine.

You could just be overthinking. My OH was very much a back seat driver when I first passed too which didn't help. Funnily enough, even with him passing after about 6 lessons and driving for 25 years he sometimes does some real clangers on the road himself.

I know two people who failed their test 8 times and drive more confidently than me. Another lady needed 150 lessons, but she didn't get a phobia after like me! In some ways I wish I didn't pass first time as I would be more confident.

Keep going OP. When you do pass (and you will) make sure you're nerves don't get the better of you and drive most days. I avoided it after a couple of non-serious mishaps (not hitting anything, just stalling on a hill or stopping way before a level crossing barrier) that wouldn't phase me now, but I over analysed them and convinced myself not to do it. Even if you have to make the same journey a mile up the road and back just to get used to the car, you should definitely do it.

I completely get this. I really hate it when people think that anyone can learn it. Not everyone. I drive but due to a huge traumatic incident I have severe anxiety about it. I do drive - but only if I know the exact route to get there. So I have learnt the route to school, shops, hospital but outside of that I won't do it. I'm not someone to jump in the car, turn the navigation on and drive. I would not do that. I would rather decline an event than driving somewhere that I don't know exactly how to get there.

Go for automatic lessons. If it makes you feel any better I passed 7th time in a manual. I’m a cracking driver. No points on my licence and never had an accident in 25 years.

I was like you! I learned about your age- failed four times. Then found the best instructor (and switched to automatic) who somehow managed to make me calm- no idea how but he was a miracle worker. He had a tiny Honda jazz which also helped as previously the instructors had massive cars. Before that I was like you and literally would be shaking. Anyway, on the last test I passed with 1 minor!! Which was a bigger achievement to me than my degree genuinely! Anyway, don’t give up- switch to automatic and ask around locally for a really patient calm driving instructor and you’ll get there.

@Longdistance

Go for automatic lessons. If it makes you feel any better I passed 7th time in a manual. I’m a cracking driver. No points on my licence and never had an accident in 25 years.

I know loads of people like you. They are great drivers now. For me it was a bad thing to pass first time given my nerves after (I even had four more lessons with my driving instructor at a later date who I think suspected I fancied him when I really didn't .)

OP remember you have no idea how many lessons people have had when they pass first time. I had about 42 hours of practice, but some may have had much more or less than that. Don't judge yourself by the number of tests you take. I was confident on the day I would pass first time, but looking back, I didn't have enough belief in myself when I was in the car on my own (and to tell my OH to fuck off when he was being critical and impatient) so maybe failing and having a bit more practice might have been a good thing. I know it is bloody expensive learning to drive, but I have wasted a lot more money dealing with a phobia, getting buses, having a car sit on the drive barely used and having some extra lessons since passing my test, than a few more lessons and tests after failing some would have cost.

• GeorgiaGirl52 Here in the US, the driving schools don't even offer instruction for manual transmission. All instruction is for automatic. As we have no public transportation except in the larger cities, everyone learns at 15 and is driving by 17 at the latest. Job applications (even for part time and after school jobs) require your driver's license number and proof of reliable transportation. Everyone learns to drive at 15, everyone, across the whole of the US?

What happens to those who are not able/permitted to drive a car? Are they not allowed a job either?*

That’s not true for the whole of the US. I’m from the States too and I have never had a license. I took the test in high school and passed, got my learners permit but rarely drove in a car afterwards. It expired and I just got a State ID instead. I didn’t grow up in a major city (nearest was 30 min drive away) and the public transport was excellent where I grew up in Illinois and was expanded from when I was around 10. They continue to expand it where now it goes from an Air Force base in Illinois to St.Louis International airport as well as other areas in Missouri. I moved to a major city when I went to university (a car was a privilege and expensive to have) and then moved to SE England afterwards.

I had never been asked for my driver’s license for jobs. As long as I had a form of ID and my social security number, made it to work on time and did my job, no one cared how I got there or held it against me for not having a car or license.

I'm a single parent and don't drive. It doesn't impact my life in any way, it takes a bit longer to get to places but I'm OK with that.

My mum can't drive so she was determined that I would drive and paid for my lessons and first car when I was 18!!
It took me 6 tests until I passed. The theory test I passed first time with 100%.

However I have always suffered with an anxiety disorder since I was a child. I HATED driving with a passion!!
I was so anxious and nervous that tbh, I was probably unsafe behind the wheel. I would avoid roundabouts, avoiding turning right at junctions, wouldn't go in to 5th gear, scared of stalling etc etc.

All I can say is it does get better!! I promise you that. However you WILL NEED to practice. Drive as much as you can once passing the test.
Get a satnav (this helps my anxiety greatly) drive when it's quiet, drive in rush hour, drive on motorways, long distance, short distance.
Basically the more you drive, the better you start to feel about it!

I can now drive anywhere with no problems. It has given me so much freedom
However it isn't wrong if you don't ever learn to drive. Don't put pressure on yourself

@misspattylacosta

What's outdated about enjoying driving?

I mean if you want to go vroom vroom and double-clutch around the hairpin turns like Steve McQueen, by all means, carry on. I assure you we're all terribly impressed. The point I was very clearly making, and which you clearly ignored so you could have a little stealth brag and use that cringeworthy little twisty-mouth smiley face, was that the received wisdom- which is that manual transmissions use less petrol - is no longer true with modern cars. So the preference which MOST PEOPLE have for manual transmissions is based on outdated information.

I started my lessons at 22 and was 25, nearly 26 when I finally passed on my third test. I am not generally a nervous / anxious person, but I had nerves around driving. I have a degree, a masters and professional qualification that involved exams but the hardest test I have ever taken, the one that causes me the most dread, was my driving test without a shadow of a doubt.

I was starting to feel disadvantaged by not driving and wanted that extra freedom. Somebody suggested an intensive course and that is what I did. After three or four days of driving pretty much every day On the course,, the test was not as daunting as the previous tests had been , particularly as I didn’t have access to a car to practice in previously. Perhaps this is something you could consider.

Give it another go and another go if need be. When you pass, it will all have been worth it.

As PP have said, try in an automatic, it's like driving a go-cart, stop and go, that's it.

I never wanted to drive, but woke up one day at 27 and decided I did want to but only in an automatic. I still have no desire whatsoever to drive a manual, it seems so unnecessarily complicated.

Wroxie

I mean if you want to go vroom vroom and double-clutch around the hairpin turns like Steve McQueen, by all means, carry on. I assure you we're all terribly impressed.

blimey, someone touched a nerve with you
Why do you think anyone would give a monkey about impressing you?!

I have both as it happens, for different use, so I couldn't care less what you think about my cars! As miffed as you are about it all, manual and auto give a different drive.

Sounds like you thought you were an amazing driver and you are highly offended we point out that automatic can be very boring on some drives . Prefering a grandma kind-of driving is nothing to be offended about

I was the same! I didn’t want to learn at all! The idea of doing all those expensive lessons just to fail was making me sooo scared. In the end, at age 30, I summoned up the energy. Tbh, I thought it would be great to have some child free time, even if I was stuck in the car with an instructor! Anyway, i passed after a few months. I wasn’t even nervous in the end as I just thought of I didn’t pass, I’d simply keep going until I did. I also thought of all the idiots that do pass, and thought I must be able to do it at some point!
It’s the best thing I ever did!!! I never have to think about passing again, and I have freedom. Just do it!!!

@BarbaraofSeville

I don't know why there is such a thing about driving stick shift in the UK

Because most people cope just fine with them, they use less fuel, which is expensive here and automatic gearboxes are far more expensive if they go wrong. They're an expensive solution to a problem that doesn't exist for most people.

20 years ago maybe

So the preference which MOST PEOPLE have for manual transmissions is based on outdated information.

I think you mean SOME PEOPLE.

Wow so many responses thank you!!
To answer some questions:
. I live in a small town with alright bus links. So it would be easier to drive, it also opens up a lot more opportunities for work as I am limited to what's around me.
.I have had CBT.. I know what I need to do. I know I'm being irrational. It's like a physical reaction I'm finding hard to control :( I need more self control with my anxiety. I know the steps I need to take but sometimes I get caught up in it. Like someone said, I started getting horrendous panic attacks and anxiety when I was first pregnant and I think I linked it with driving.

It's so interesting to hear peoples stories and feelings like mine. I feel very alone about it as everyone around me seemed to pass first time and really dont understand my feelings towards it.

I've come to the conclusion I'm going to wait and not rush it. I will drive when I'm ready as I dont want to put anyone at risk if I'm not feeling at least a bit more confident than I do now. I will look into a automatic instructor too!! Definitely seems like something that will help my poor old brain.

Actually, coming back to this. My dm is now 80 and widowed. She used to rely on my df for driving as she never bothered. It was her biggest regret in life. She was pleased as punch when I passed as I was the first female in our family (dm and df) to pass their driving test. Well, I was also the first to buy their house on their own, but that’s another story.

Another vote for trying in an automatic. I’d tried to learn in a manual on and and off for years and years, I just couldn’t ever grasp it. I’m 30 also and desperate to drive to make my school/nursery/work run not only easier but shorter. Driving it all will take me 30/40 mins I’m currently doing nearly 2 hours and 4+ buses.

I’ve had 30 lessons over 7 months in an automatic and I’ve nailed it all, I’m just waiting on my test now.

Like you I have dyspraxia and dyslexia, I found a really nice auto instructor who understands how it can affect a person especially with distance perception and left/right etc and that made a world of difference.

You could, if you chose/had to, move to somewhere that gave you more non-driving options and you would be okay

I had driving lessons & hated it. So since deciding that I wasn’t going to drive, I’ve always lived on the edge of towns / cities with really good public transport, & always make sure I have at least two (preferably three) different routes to work, and a safe route home at 2am if I need it. It works.

Admittedly I don’t have kids, which I do see could make things more complicated.

I hated driving lessons and was very anxious, but a change in circumstances meant I needed to pass quickly.

So I switched to automatic with the view I could retake in a manual at my leisure once I'd got a bit more road experience. I was still anxious but it was so much better not having to worry about gears and stalling, and I could just concentrate on where I was going and what was happening around me.

I passed first time, and whilst i left the nerves behind many years ago, I have still never bothered to learn in manual. Quite happy in an automatic thank you very much